How to answer, looking for suggestions

Never mind

What about asking your dad directly if you can see him outside of your sister's house? Invite him and your mom for brunch at a nearby restaurant? Why not tell your dad directly you want to see him, just not at your sister's house? Why not be honest with him and give him the option of seeing you? Perhaps my advise is colored by own situation (I just moved across the country to take care of my ill parents), but I just hate the thought of your parents living out the rest of their lives thinking you don't want to see them. I think they would be better off knowing the truth and devising a way to see you outside the house.

The problem with that is that they are too old and frail now to meet me someplace like that. If I asked my dad to do that he may try only to face my sister's wrath and really realize how he is imprisoned and powerless. Often an elderly person that struggles to get around doesn't realize they are very limited in being able to go anywhere, they think about it UNTIL they want to and find out they can't. Often an elderly person like that will say, "we will have to get together and go for lunch somewhere" not realizing that can no longer happen. My sister would not let me do that. They are both unstable and could fall and get hurt. That is what happened to my mother where she fell and broke her wrist trying to break her fall. Dementia can take place in the body where the brain struggles to control the body to balance and walk normally, often the person begins to shuffle their feet at first. They struggle to make it to go to the bathroom so they often wet themselves or poop in their pants. Both my parents have to wear adult type diapers that can be torn off of them easily.

I totally understand that. My parents are in the same condition and I am their primary caretaker. (My mom has MS and my dad has Parkinson's). Since your sister uses part-time helpers, is there any way the helpers could be involved in arranging a visit? I would never let my parents attempt to go somewhere on their own, but I frequently take them out under my supervision or have one or the helpers do so. Would the helpers be willing to help you see them? Perhaps your sister would more amenable to that since someone she hired and trusts was there with you the whole time (but not her)?

what about contacting adult protective services your self. they will investigate your side even show up unannounced to see for their self what is going on. then they will remove your sister as your parents care taker and assign a a department of social services caseworker to your parents who will meet with your parents you, your sister and brother and as a team decide what is best for your parents. they can do this in such a way as to not cause your parents harm or stress even prosecute your sister for things like elder abuse, abuse of a mentally or physically challenged person, they can do so much for you, your parents without even your parents knowing its happening if thats best for your parents. your parents wont even have to go to court or anythnig they do not want to do. they will be assigned their own person to over see their best interests and in some cases are introduced to the elderly as a new friend not lawyer. your sister will not be present or have anything to do with this new friend, and your parents will be issued a protection order to prevent your sister from contact with your parents if need be to prevent her from influencing your parents. in other words Department of social services will know how to get to the truth and see to it that your parents are taken care of the way they should be...they will make sure that you have visitation and also that there is no interference. Department of Social services (sometimes called DHS) does take abuse cases of children, adults, mentally and physically challenged and the elderly very seriously in america and know how to handle special needs cases like your family has.

I appreciate the suggestion scorpiosis, but at this point just even making a simple phone call turns into a big deal so I really doubt any effort I make would fair well at all at this point.

I specifically called in the morning because she had said that was the time to call. Truth is it doesn't really matter WHAT time I call because it's always SOMETHING with her.

So I tried to stand up to her and that doesn't work because she ends up yelling, and tends to choose a loud F you and hangs up. She insists on people sitting through her need to direct and talk down to and if you don't do that she basically yells and stomps.
I have even seen her do that with hospital staff and at times even my parents who often described her as "mean and bossy" to me. She definitely has major passive aggressive issues and she can explode in a rage too as she has done that with me when I did not deserve it.

I understand that taking on the task as caregiver is very stressful. I have seen her react in ways where she really did not want to do it, yet she made it a point to take over in controlling ways that made it extremely difficult for anyone to help her. Even her own daughter got so she would not deal with her directly and could only deal with my sister through my sister's husband. And the way my father set things up was if for some reason my sister could not handle things that the control would be given to her daughter. I did try to tell my father that the way he set things up did not give me any authority to do anything if I see choices being made that I felt were wrong for my parents. And there have been choices made that I had felt were wrong too. Including when his teeth looked horrible and were basically being ignored and an attempt my brother and I tried to make to pay for my father to have a cleaning and exam was thwarted by her and he did not get that done. Dental issues can be expensive but it's important to understand that ignoring a person's dental health, especially when they are older can create significant health issues that can lead to huge expenses.

After I had to experience my sister yelling at me F you twice and hanging up on me and then finally getting to talk to my father so I could wish him happy birthday, I did get upset and cried that it had to be that hard like that. So I ended up calling back while crying and my sister picked up and while crying I said, "You are a very angry mean person, you should get help", and I hung up. I ended up posting here a bit, then I layed on the couch and put the TV on in an effort to calm down so I would not be in the physical pain that I experience from these very mean dysfunctional interactions. And I just got to a point where I had calmed down after a couple of hours and my phone rang and the way I have it shows who is calling on my TV, and it was her. My answering machine picked up and I could not hear what she was saying but I could hear the tone she was talking in where she is talking down and condescending. I have not played the message, I don't want to listen to her tone of voice where she is talking down and condescending and making excuses in a way where she is JUSTIFYING her very bad behavior, something like "I am sorry you feel this way but I am this and I am dealing with that and I don't have time for this". All that does is add insult to injury with no regard for the individual she dumped/dumps her rage out on. What I have noticed about her is that she looks at a situation where all the hurt and Drama is supposed to be HERS, instead of recognizing how others feel in a challenging situation.

For example, when I was visiting my mother one day and my mother just happened to have a stroke in front of me, something I have never witnessed before and I got her to an ER, my sister came through the door of that ER exhibiting HER ANGER immediately and immediately told me that I was the one who caused the stroke. Her behavior towards me was so loud and mean that the nurses at the desk were taken back and all the people in the waiting room turned to look at her behavior. Her entire demeanor was so toxic it traumatized me and I basically froze. My feelings, my fear of happening to witness my mother have a stroke in front of me did not matter, instead all that mattered was my sisters need to exhibit RAGE and BLAME me.

That is what I dealt with in making a simple phone call this past Friday. Truth is, I just wanted to talk to my father, same with my mother and I HATE having to deal with my older sister whenever I want to get near them now. I just wanted my father to know that I love him and the real reason he doesn't see me is that it's CLEAR to me that I am really not welcome and that I clearly have to face emotional harassment, EVEN IN MAKING A SIMPLE PHONE CALL.

When my mother had to stay in the rehabilitation facility recently and I went to visit her one time with my husband, we really had a nice visit and sat with her for well over an hour and my mother was really enjoying our visit. Then my sister appeared in the door way and no sooner did she come through that door did she make a B line right for me and put her hand on my arm and said, "I am putting mother to bed now". She came RIGHT AT ME immediately, and right into my physical space touching me. YES, that triggered me. And to the depths of me all I wanted was to get away from her and went right into hypervigilant mode without even consciously making that choice.

The holidays are the worst in that I don't want to not try to connect with my parents on some level. Going to her house is like going to her liar, I tried that, and it was clear all she wanted was to get me out, hovering and pacing back and forth through the room until she came up with that lie about my vehicle not being safe where I parked it. It was SO UPSETTING for me when my parents said, "Oh,don't send her away". I did not want them to be upset. I did not take the stage of DRAMA because I did not want my parents to be upset, I thought about them. They are old and frail now and I don't want them upset.

It's very hard to work around a person who can get toxic the way my sister can get especially when struggling with PTSD. I never imagined having to deal with this kind of ongoing challenge and the level of how toxic and dysfunctional it has gotten.

Sorry amandalouise, we must have been posting at the same time, so I did not see your post until just now.

Actually, I did call Adult Protective Services at one point. I did not give them my name or the name of my parents, I just wanted to find out what I could do because I was concerned about what was going on and I felt my parents were getting to the point where they needed more help then they were getting. They did not tell me anything that you have posted. If they had I may have gone further, but I was afraid their involvement might make things worse because my sister had been so controlling and angry and all I knew is she was the one that had all the power, more power than even my parents realized they gave her.

My sister's behaviors were getting erratic and mean towards me and actually even towards my parents and I was getting extremely triggered and it's very hard to contribute when someone is so controlling like that and flies off the handle in anger, even rage the way my sister did when I just happened to be there and witnessed my mother have a stroke. Had I left just a few minutes earlier I would have never seen her have that stroke. And, the good thing about witnessing that and getting her to the ER where they did a cat-scan on my mother is they saw damage she had had from an earlier stroke that they did not know was there and this damage was in the area where my mother physically navigates from which contributed to her being off balance and struggling to get around, something my sister was impatient with tbh.

From the moment I moved my mother when she was put in that room with that Hispanic woman at the rehabilitation facility who's family came in and were so loud and using the private bathroom in the room and I could see how that was scaring my mother and that is the last thing she needed because she was still so confused and genuinely struggling with the after affects of the anesthesia and really needed and deserved to have "quiet" and feel safe I crossed a line. You can't do that with my sister, she is convinced HER WAY is always right. Her idea was "this will be good, this will stimulate mother" WRONG, the last thing you do when someone is clearly experiencing trauma from a big surgery and struggling with the affects of the anesthesia where they are clearly showing confusion and stress is to put them somewhere that isn't quiet and restful where they can slowly get their barrings mentally.

What am sharing happened in 2009. My sister and her daughter took over handing the doctors and my father let them take over. When I questioned decisions all that did was make my sister angry and exclude me from even talking to the doctors. That is when my sister also decided to go against the surgeons directions of NOT making the mistake of having my mother see a psychiatrist to evaluate her because she would be misdiagnosed and what she really needed was time to slowly overcome the affects of the anesthesia. My sister did not listen and went ahead and did that anyway and that resulted in my mother being put on Rameron AD and adding more chemicals to her brain to which she responded with complaining of feeling sick to her stomach and not wanting to eat, and I know exactly what she was experiencing because that is the affect Rameron had on me and I just could not take it.

I was already struggling with PTSD myself and struggling with how I needed help and could not afford it as all the damage my neighbor's dog did put me in huge debt and compromised my ability to have what I needed to generate income to handle all the huge debt and cover normal expenses. Every specialist I found on the net was so expensive there was no way I could afford it, some were as much as $300 for each hour session. I tried to handle the growing dysfunction and what I felt were bad choices being made (through my own research I was right that yes bad decisions were being made).

The way my sister handled my mother impeded not only her recovery, but her desire to recover. Somewhere in all that mess my mother had a stroke that caused some damage to her ability to her moter skill part of her brain. I know that you have to be VERY careful about giving the elderly antidepressants because antidepressants can cause a stroke. Could have even happened during or after her back surgery too.

That one day that I stopped to visit my mother and saw her completely change once my sister and my father left the house, actually shocked me.
I watched her go from acting very disabled to dropping her cane and hopping along and very mobile in front of me. I never MADE her do anything, I never ORDERED her around, she was SAFE to be herself with me.

Honestly, I did not know what to do about that. I could not tell my sister or my father because all they would do is begin being hard on her and they ALREADY were being hard on her and her answer to that was withdraw even more. Also, what my mother did not want was to have to go right back to cooking three meals every day for my father and trying to clean the house. That could have been handled so differently where she could have been assured that she would get help and not have to return to all of that which she was getting too old to handle anyway being in her eighties.

That was a HUGE trigger for me in that after a while of witnessing how hard my sister was on my mother, my mother calling me in tears and saying, "she is so MEAN AND BOSSY", and trying to comfort her and knowing if I said anything the abuse would just get worse, is what triggered me to begin experiencing flashbacks from my childhood.

What confused me is that a lot of the flashbacks were of my older brother. What I did not realize at the time, and I had no help to realize was that the reason I was having these flashbacks that disabled me so much was because that is how I protected my older brother who was being badly abused for something he could not help (he had learning disabilities ADHD and I believe dyslexia). I did not "tell" because I had felt that if I did he would only be MORE abused. Also, my sister exhibited the SAME kind of anger and bossiness. I was always kind to my older brother but I could not play with him and be nice to him in front of my sister who ALWAYS hated him and threatened me she would be mean to me if she caught me being nice to him.

I got so I could not even be around my sister, not even hear her voice without being severely triggered and crippled, pretty much ending up being a ball in my bed. I FEEL TERRIBLE about this because this made it so much harder to be THERE for my mother more. What contributed to these triggers becoming so severe is how my sister RAGED at me in the ER in front of everyone blaming my mother's stroke on me.

The more I avoided the angrier my sister got with me too. The holidays were the worst because I could not go along with how my sister ruled the holidays. I could not go to her house or be around her. While I am sharing all this now like this, I did not understand WHY I would end up so crippled or why I was having these flashbacks back then the way I am FINALLY understanding it all now. It's VERY HARD to explain to people why you can't JUST IGNORE your sister and push your way past her etc. It's hard to explain and even understand one's self how what you are REALLY afraid of is getting overcome by a flashback and being crippled and confused for a few days where you can't even function and don't know why this is happening to you.

When I called Adult Protective Services, they did not say any of what you stated in your post amadalouise, and what you stated was really what I needed, a presence that could see the situation from the outside, and assign an individual to independently evaluate and HELP guide in a healthier way rather than what had been getting to a point where my parents were not doing well on their own because their house was getting dirty, it stunk to high heaven, and god only knows how long rotting food was in their refrigerator because that stunk to high heaven as well.

I got to talk to my older brother who himself had been on a major mend because his health had been so bad he had almost died twice in one year. The last time he was even given his last rights because he was bleeding internally and they could not find "where" and what he had and the condition he was in his survival rate was slim. I tried to call him and left several messages and he never answered. Then one day he called me and told me he was sorry but he had blocked me because my sister was harassing him and he had to block her and he had thought that she had tried to bypass that by calling him from my home. She never came here and I had told him that I had not been getting along with her and was at a loss. That is when he got to understand what was going on and he asked if we could meet at my parents house as he was finally well enough and was planning on visiting them to see how they were doing.

I had tried to get my sister to have a meeting where we could all sit down with a lawyer and my parents so that we could all ask questions, understand their finances, what they needed and what my father had set up as far as who he wanted to have the control. My sister would NOT HAVE IT, and instead continued to be controlling and secretive and even trying to tell my parents that what we wanted was their money.

So my brother and I planned to meet at my parents house. I had not seen my brother in 20 years as he lived in a different state and he pretty much went his own way, which honestly was best for him considering what he went through in his past. I have to be honest, I was nervous in that I had no idea if seeing him again would trigger me and the last thing I wanted was some flashback to pop up out of the depths of my mind somewhere hidden in front of him or my parents. He got there before me and when I walked in the door was open and a lot of the windows were open because the house stunk so bad. I had been under the impression my sister was having someone help with that, she did talk about it, but I could see that was not taken care of.

I did not trigger when I saw my brother, and we did try to talk to our parents about our concern and asked how things were set up and we were concerned about what he did set up that he may not realize might not be good. Then my sister came in and next thing I knew the two of them (my sister and my brother) were standing in front of each other with ANGER AND HATE and THAT TRIGGERED ME, because that is how it was when they were children too. My sister literally hated him from the moment he came home as a baby.

My brother told me that he was going to call Adult Services. I did not know if he was actually going to do that or was just so angry he threatened it. I am thinking that maybe he did and that maybe someone did visit. But what happened after that was that my sister got VERY ANGRY and went into full control mode. She had the door locked, put up signs saying the house was under video surveillance, put a sign on the door saying NO VISITORS and that the door would only be open by appointment. And she got even more secretive.

I do not know if someone visited and caught her off guard and advised her in any way. What I do know is that she held true to the words she had said so many years ago where if I played or befriended my older brother she would be mean and not play with me. She got very vigilant over my parents instructing them to never answer the door if she is not there and began bringing them to her house on the weekends so she could always have them under HER CONTROL. She convinced my parents that she is the victim and their other two children are the bad ones in the picture only caring about their money. She drew up a letter threatening that if me or my brother interfered in any way that we would be disinherited and got my parents to sign it and sent it certified mail.

So, my guess is that my brother was not just threatening in anger and that he did actually call Adult Services, and my fear of that making things worse actually came to fruition.

I am at the point where YES, just making a simple phone call to wish my father a happy birthday can be a bad experience for me. That I want to tell him that there is a reason he is not seeing me, because it's CLEAR I am not welcome, but that I love him and I miss him every day. Yet, now they have no way of changing things, because they are at the point where they have become very dependent. My sister has hired help where she has people come to her home to help with my parents when it comes to getting them up, getting them in a program where they move around and these people also bathe them. My sister does keep her own house clean. I saw that when I did get up the courage one day to actually stop and visit my parents while my sister paced back and forth in the back ground, she also times the calls too.

My brother did finally call her and she had mentioned that she was thinking about having my father declared incompetent and would my brother have a problem with her gaining complete conservator-ship over their entire estate etc. My brother replied that he would prefer a third party do that to which my sister emailed him back saying my father was in good health and was calling all the shots. Truth is, she figured out that was the only way she could maintain the control level that she has had.

I did not want my father thinking that he doesn't see me because I don't care about him and love him. The last time I physically saw them was this past time my mother fell and broke her wrist and went to the hospital (my sister did not tell me about it or call me until my mother was moved to the rehabilitation facility). The last time I got to see my father, I wanted to finally give him last years Christmas present I had in my car just in case I see him. When my sister wheeled him in while I was visiting my mother alone with my mother, I tried to go out to my car and get his present only to have a major attack come over me and it was so bad I really thought I was having a massive heart attack. As I mentioned, all I could think of is that I better not have it right there and it would be better if I got to my car. I had to sit in my car in horrible pain with my entire body shaking and there was no way I could have gone back in that building to see my father much less give him his present. I had to think about how to get away and where is the nearest emergency room. As I mentioned, I should not have been driving in that condition. That attack was so unbelievable painful and I could not stop shaking either. So I really worry about even thinking of attempting to physically see my parents which would mean going to my sister's house which would be too triggering for me at this point.

Something you may not be aware of... USA phones are all equipped with caller ID features built in, so you no longer have to give your name when calling places like DHS, they already have the phone number and the name of the person the phone number belongs to. Sometimes phones will come up unknown caller for name and a number if the caller is attempting to block their name from other people. but the number still comes up on places like 911, social services and other emergency help places. (kind of like when you are looking at your cell phone or landline to see who is calling before answering.. thats the digital caller ID that cant be disabled in digital phones.)

my point now days in order for a person to actually call DHS completely anon is using a landline phone thats over 50 yrs old. I found this out when my niece tried to help one of her friends by calling DHS to report her friends uncle. child protective services showed up at my door, instead of the uncles because my niece used my phone. my niece still helps her friends but now she asks to use phones so this doesnt happen any more...

my point nothing is anon anymore not with computers and cell phones and digital services. your call probably got logged in but because you were just asking questions not making an abuse report they did not tell you the whole process.

I know that you are upset with your sister. here is something some one once had me try when I was upset at another person and could not get beyond my feelings and how I felt things should be done...

going to use your own situation here so you can see what I mean....

imagine you are the caretaker and decision maker of someone else, not your parents, maybe your best friend. its not set in paper or legal form, just your best friend has asked you to help them and be the one to do this for them because they cant live and do things on their own any more.

something happens to your friend where you have to hospitalize your best friend. you have talked with the doctors, and with you and the doctors have made a plan that whats best for your best friend is to be in a two patient room (maybe its finances, maybe its to help improve your friends socialization... so many reasons behind why a doctor and friends and family decide on non private hospital rooms) anyway you have your friend settled in their room and on a daily schedule that they and the doctors feel is best for your best friend.

then your best friends son or daughter suddenly without talking to you had your best friend moved to a private room and is visiting when its time for you to be helping your friend with their bedtime routine of changing, brushing teeth/ washing up, having the bed sheets changed.. all that hospital putting to bed routine. what would you do...

when I was asked to do this I said I would be very scared that someone had kidnapped my friend from their room or my friend got up and wandered off lost somewhere, someone get security find my best friend. then I would be very angry that someone is making changes with out mine and my friends doctors permission. what the heck. my friend put me in charge and their daughter/ son keeps interfering with my decisions and routines. Im going to have to put my foot down here and make some really strict boundaries here and I would put rules on things like visitation, going places and so on.

mind you Im not saying how your sister is going about it is right for you, just what I would do if I was in your sisters position of power given by the parents.

now if I was on your end of this I would not keep fighting. if I really felt something abusive was going on I would be calling adult protective services back and making an abuse report so that they can investigate and get the information that I am not privy to because the parents didnt give me any of the power. with the investigation they are impartial and will be able to see all sides not just mine and my sisters. they would see the doctors side, the parents side, my side and my sisters side and decide whether the sister is being abusive / abusing her power.

anyway thats what I would do.

Thanks amandalouise, I appreciate your example and I have tried to consider looking at it that way. The room my mother was put in was not something the doctor suggested, it was my sister's decision and at that time my sister had chosen to take over and that was in the beginning part that gradually got more and more toxic. And it got to a point where my sister ended up raging at me simply because I happened to be with my mother to witness my mother have a stroke and took steps to get her to an ER.

What I have gradually been seeing when it comes to my sister is how she tends to talk down to others. When she does that with people it has a bad affect on them, the wrong affect and I have noticed how that has pushed people away to where they begin to want to "avoid" her and to be honest, I am the same way where she has a bad affect on me to where I want to avoid her too.

It's like my sister insists on being the "stage" director where she needs all the characters to do what SHE directs them to do and if they don't she blacklists them or punishes them in a way where they "feel" and "learn" that if you don't play HER WAY you don't get to play. I had even at one point compared her with nurse Ratchit in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" .

I remember one day when I sat with her and she began discussing my mother where she decided SHE knew that my mother had dementia and she began using that label constantly in a way that she would begin talking about my mother like that and it would be very bad for my mother to overhear that kind of talk about her.

The REAL TRUTH that was revealed after my mother had a stroke in front of me that led to her having a Cat Scan and MRI of her brain was that my mother had had a stroke that showed up in her brain that had affected her ability to be more mobile. That is what created her confusion both mentally and physically and what also took her sense of having the ability to keep up with cooking my father three meals a day and keeping up with keeping their big house clean.

When I experienced that day when my mother was acting one way in front of my sister and my father only to completely change once they left and it was safe, my mother completely changed in front of me both physically and mentally as I knew her, her old self. That was pretty traumatic for me to witness. And I was already struggling with PTSD and very confused about that at the time and everything in my own life had literally turned upside down.

If you pay attention to the drugs my mother was pushed to take and all the side affects of these drugs, including the anesthesia she was given for her back surgery that really left her extremely confused and disoriented, you can begin to recognize something that is NOT just dementia. I also know first hand what it's like to wake up from surgery all confused because of the anesthesia and hallucinating. I know when I had my life saving surgery the last thing I needed was to be put in a room with a woman who is loud and doesn't even speak english to "stimulate me". You DON'T choose to stimulate someone who is CLEARLY showing signs of confusion and is disoriented and FRIGHTENED. I also know what the surgeon meant when he told my sister to WAIT and give my mother time to gradually regain herself as her brain and body got over the affects of the anesthesia. I had to do that myself. Along with the affects of pain medications as my mother had those too because of how her back had been cut open and her spine had been worked on.

Then my mother was given another drug to help with her phantom nerve pain and that drug also had side effects of dizziness, sleepiness, confusion and even some depression and suicidal thoughts ALL OF WHICH my mother had, NOT dementia or just being BAD and refusing to do what my sister pushed her to do. Add to that how my sister refused to listen to the surgeon and put my mother on Rameron that made my mother feel sick to her stomach and not want to eat, I KNOW FIRST HAND about that because that is EXACTLY what happened to me when that drug was pushed at me.

I changed my mother's room that night because I knew I had to get her away from that room mate who's family came in and they were all very loud speaking Spanish and I could see how that was scaring my mother and she was shaking with the blanket pulled up to her eyes. I have been in that state of mind myself and the last thing one needs is loud people that you don't even know what they are saying.

I tried to step up and question and communicate my concerns, all that did was result in my sister not including me in getting to know what medications my mother was on and forget about my being able to talk to doctors or any staff for that matter.

One day I stopped to see my mother and she was sitting in her living room on the window seat already tired out from the time my sister spent with her. I had thought my sister had left and she did not leave but went up the back stairs, stayed quiet to spy and then suddenly came down the front stairs with that ANGRY cold body language and she walked past me and said in her angry cold tone, "Hi OE, bye OE" and just after that I had a flashback. I could not talk and I could see my mother yet I was overcome by the flashback and had no control at all. It frightened my mother, and it sure frightened me.

It took a few years to finally be able to understand WHAT triggered me to have that flashback that day and that my sister was the trigger. I began having more flashbacks and I was totally confused by them and why I was experiencing them. I big part of me felt that it was a punishment for "not telling" about things I was experiencing in my childhood. I got so I believed the only way I could get them to stop is to "tell". And I did not have help at the time. I was actually right about what I had thought, but where I was wrong was about WHO to tell. It's a bad idea to tell the very dysfunctional people that were so dysfunctional that it resulted in the trauma to happen in the first place.

People have said to me "ignore your sister, don't give her the power", and I have tried to explain the kind of power she had that I never CHOSE to give her and had not even realized she had over me either. My sister's behaviors opened this door in my mind that I had NO IDEA existed where I could experience these flashbacks and not even have any idea WHAT was going to come forward and put me back in a moment I never realized I had storred that moment that way.

I have watched as my sister talked down to my parents and changed both of them to where they gradually became afraid of her. I have sat with them and listened to them BOTH describe my sister as "mean and bossy" and how that was gradually upsetting them both. As I mentioned I had taken them out to dinner one time (they were both much more mobile at the time) only to see them both act like my sister was there telling them to move along and hurry up and I had to stop them and literally tell them "She is not here, we have plenty of time so you can relax and take as much time as you want to walk around and be relaxed".

The flashback I had that day was about an experience I had with my older brother who was chasing me and I was running through the doors in that house to get away from him. I did not understand how my sister could trigger that flashback because she was not in it. It took me a long time to finally understand the connection to what I was witnessing and what that brought back from my past that I had no idea I had stored or even that it could come forward the way it did.

What the connection was had to do with my older brother and all the abuse I saw him suffer through and how much my sister ALWAYS hated him and threatened me where if I was nice to him and was friends with him that she would punish me and be mean to me. What I witnessed him go through every day traumatized me and I saw he did not deserve to be treated so badly and how much it was genuinely hurting him and even more importantly how alone he was. So I became his ONLY friend and always had to do that when I knew my sister could not see me being nice to him. Yet, my older brother faced so much abuse that he would get to a breaking point and I had to know how to look for that because that's when I had to run and hide from him. I always knew this rage he had was not his fault and I was often amazed at how long he could go before he would need to vent. I always KNEW I could not tell because all that would do is lead to him being punished even more. His rages were manageable, but if he suffered even more abuse they might not be and that could end up with me being hurt, maybe even killed. My older brother was peeing his bed and floors and sucking his thumb constantly every night, all of his behaviors were a result of CHILD ABUSE and that abuse was something that my parents were told to do with him and the teachers when all he suffered from was learning disabilites and an older sister that hated him and encouraged the other children on that bus to pick on him and she wanted me to do that too, and I would not do it.

OE is a protector and I have stood up for others who don't deserve to be punished or hurt. What I saw happening to my older brother was wrong and I spent my entire childhood praying for someone to help him. That has actually been a very big part of my life, protecting someone who doesn't deserve to be punished for something they can't help including my own child who also struggled with learning disabilities.

The only way I could really KNOW how my mother was REALLY doing was to be alone with her. My sister was being to pushy and mean and bossy with her and all that did was make her do anything she could to ESCAPE. My sister tends to INSIST she is always right when she IS NOT RIGHT. That is what I saw happening to my mother and that's exactly what I saw happen to my older brother too. Yet, I never made that connection where these flashbacks were showing me moments in my past that I had no idea I had somehow saved where I could have these flashbacks. These flashbacks did not come forward in a story like one would think they would either.

My sister's behaviors towards me have been toxic and mean and even bossy much like my parents had experienced and talked with me about. I wanted to love my sister and try to focus on the good in her, I tend to do that where I do focus on the good in people. Yet, she always sees things HER WAY and she has always been controlling and always wanting to be the one "directing" and would punish if others did not give in to HER having that position. I can see it even more now, not only with my parents but I noticed it in how she was with the staff at the hospital and the rehabilitation facility where people would see her and want to hide from her.

That day I went to visit my parents at her house I saw so much in her behavior that I found deeply disturbing on such a deep level in myself. Even making that call to wish my father a happy birthday was met with her answering and forcing her control with her immediately talking down to me. Well, as was always the case, if I did not play HER game, then I would face her wrath.

People can say, "this is your parent's fault" and on some levels that is true, but they genuinely did not know it. What saddens me is how my sister will fight for the control until the very end, even if it hurts everyone else involved. The last time I got to see my mother alone she got so she began to be herself again with me and she told me what it was like living with my sister and she told me how much she missed not seeing me for so many months. I felt such a deep sadness because I was hoping this so called dementia had gotten her to the point where she would not be able to remember how long it had really been since I got to be "alone" with her.

When I started this thread I was just trying to find a suggestion of how to answer my father when he asks me "when am I going to see you". I feel terrible lying to him about why he is not seeing me because the REALITY is that I feel so unwelcome whenever my sister is present and that runs so deep in me that it can take me several days to regain my sense of self again.

I don't want my father to think I don't care or love him, because I really do and I really miss both my parents. My sister has said things to me that are VERY MEAN and she has made a huge effort to encourage me to feel guilt for any help my parents gave me. And my parents did help me get back on my feet after I experienced some major challenges, especially major medical challenges as I have mentioned. She has even said things to my older brother in an effort to encourage him to see me in a bad light. Yet, my older brother already knows how toxic she can be and he has shared that he doesn't want to remember that time in his life and I can respect that because I was there, I saw it with my own eyes.

Reality can bite hard in ways we suddenly become more aware of then we did in our past. I got so busy with my own life that I did not foresee happening what I have had come up in my face the way it has.