How to answer, looking for suggestions

Thank you for your supportive caring thoughts (((healingmeforme))) and taking the time to read my thread.

Sorry Open Eyes, I just don't know what to say atm. I know what it is to clash with family. I just don't have answers. Just know I care n I'm sorry. ❤

That's ok, I appreciate your support and hugs Crypts. It's sad when all I wanted to do was call my Dad, wish him a happy birthday and tell him I love him and instead have to face dealing with my sister talking down to me and shouting swear words at me and hanging up on me.

I agree - it is sad. I don't know why family is like that at times, I just know they are - and that it hurts. I wish I knew what to tell you to do. All I know to do is to avoid my family - but that won't help in your case. I don't know.

My heart goes out to you.
*hugs*
❤

It's stressful enough as our parents age and we consider their mortality.
One thing that stands out in your highlighted response is the wonderment of, but did he understand what you meant when you said what you were trying to find the words to say. To me it comes accross as straightforward. He resides under your sister's roof. It's her home that logic would dictate where you would or would not be welcome.
Out of curiosity as this is utterly eating at you(i've my own hairline triggers surrounding my FOO that consume me to my core), what would your desired outcome from saying that you are not welcome be?

healingme4me - just bc something comes across as straightforward to us does not mean it will to him.

He may have some disorder (such as dementia) which makes understanding more difficult n sometimes impossible - and sometimes people are just oblivious because they simply find something "impossible to believe" - and other times people tend to look more favorably on one person or possibility than the other and any suggestion otherwise gets ignored.

People are not all "black and white" in thoughts or actions - would make the world too simple if they were *sigh*

I guess you read that situation right! You threaten to come over, and all of a sudden she lets you talk to him. Does she drink? Screaming f you seems like an odd choice.

I understand what you are telling me. I do recognize that people aren't all black and white.
Perhaps understanding my point of view from my own perspective would give more clarity. My own father can be rather obtuse and it's frustrating in too many ways to get into on this thread. I wind up frustrated from not feeling heard, understood, etc with him. Except I'm not the only one that has had this experience with him.

Of course her father could have health issues. This could be unlike him or it could replay a repeated pattern with him.

I've conversed through the years with OE, on top of everything. In ending my reply to her I did ask if there was an ideal response from him. Which is important for a variety of reasons which I am not going to get into.

Yes - I noticed you asked about the ideal, and I recognize the importance.

I hope I did not offend - I said what I did only bc I know sometimes even though my dad does not have medical problems or psych problems for example - he still prefers to believe "what he prefers to believe" and there is no convincing him otherwise, but also - my dad has shut himself down emotionally to me, not bc of anything I did - but just bc of how life happened - in a protective shield, for himself. So there are many ways for a "obvious" statement to still go "unnoticed" or "misunderstood" - was my point. I do recognize I possibly came off critical, I did not know how else to word it and I am sorry if I did so. I have always liked n respected you.

My point about it being a logical statement is from the mindset of we can only control our actions/reactions in terms of how we speak. To me, where OE struggled with what to say, it was perfect. It was also diplomatic. Whether he understands by virtue of health or choice is his doing. That's out of her control.
As far as communication between us, I do tend to raise my eyebrows anytime the expression of black/white is tossed out. In psychology forums, it's a biting expression. Yet, we've interacted well through the years, so I choose to acceot that it's also that time of year where many are going through individual stresses.

Trust me .. I did not mean black n white in terms of BPD ... I get enough of that myself bc I have BPD. I simply meant it would be so much easier if ppl truly did see obvious statements all the time when stated .. would save a lot of misunderstandings n arguments.

I do agree with his understanding being out of her control though.

Anyways, as I said I am sorry for upsetting. My mind has been n is in a bad place so sometimes choosing the right words with which to get my point across is difficult at best.

Sorry.

It's water under the bridge. The black/white in terms of forums, the ones that I've noticed this more from are more catered to caregivers/partners of[bpd] and it's a jab.
Apology is accepted. I do see your posts as being supportive of the OP.
It seems my word choice in the word straight forward really struck a nerve? :\
OE said what she meant and meant what she said. It was direct and to the point. What more could she say? She could have vented to her father about her sister, to what avail?

Yes - it was the word choice I suppose. Other than being direct about why she did not feel welcome anymore there is nothing more she could say. But even then, he may have chose not to hear her. I know that frustration. And when it happens - you still feel the guilt or question what else you could have/should have done. It hurts and it isn't something that has a simple answer.

Some people have legit reasons for doing it like I said - medical or psychological illnesses affecting their understanding. For those people, its not so much a choice to not understand as it is just part of their reality.

Other people though - don't have those illnesses. For those people it is a choice n whether that choice is conscious or subconscious does not matter. The fact they do not understand very obvious things when you point them out - is hurtful.

And when others point it out as being obvious makes it sting worse, bc you think "if it is obvious, why won't he/she see it? Did I do something wrong?"

So.. idk maybe it was your wording, maybe it was my experiences, maybe it was a blend.

Anyway, thank you for accepting my apology.

I don't want him to think I am abandoning him. I want him to understand that his choice to give my sister all the power and none to me has gradually led to her abusing that power and she has made it a point to look at his finances and make judgments about what he and my mother did to help me out that was THEIR choice and is none of her business and she doesn't have the right to say things to me in order to encourage me to feel guilt and shame. She has also said things to them to encourage them to think I used them and took advantage and that I "owe them a lot of money" too. I have tried to get him to understand that she is abusing the power he gave her and because he did not give me any power to question and have my own opinion, when I do question her she tries to convince both my mother and father that I only care about their money.

What my sister refuses to recognize is the money my parents spent on Her, Her two children, and Her grand children compared to Me, and my one child and no grand children. Both her children got cars out of my parents, my sister's daughter basically lived off of my father for a lot of years where he often payed her health insurance and a weekly salary when often she only actually worked maybe one day. This was when my father was in his 70's and early 80's when he needed to be putting more away for his retirement and many of his customers were dying off too. Then my sister's son worked for my father under the understanding that he was supposed to study and get his security license and go into that line of work. He never passed the test and at times he would sit in there and play games on the computer too. So my father was paying both her children and they both slacked off. My mother would talk often about the strain that put on my father who was making very little at the time because he was so much older and did not really go out and accumulate new clients like he used to.

My sister made a big deal out of hiring my husband to put a new roof on her house and he actually gave her a deal and he made very little, not what he would normally earn doing a regular roof job on the same kind of house for someone else. Yet, what my sister kept secret is that my mother was paying for her to get her roof done. My sister made a big deal out of her cottage she rented on the beach every year for a while, yet she failed to mention that the person who actually paid the $3,500 a week for two weeks is my father. Now, I don't care about the money my parents gave to my sister, it was their choice, it was their money. There have been several times when my sister has done things for my parents but she always got PAID for her effort. Actually, even now she will get PAID and if there is any money left after they pass she gets a third. However, one thing she has done when she has been challenged is she works my parents up about the money and has even written up a threat of disinheritance if either me or my brother challenge her and she got my parents to sign it and sent it certified mail. When I asked my father about it, he did not remember signing a threat like that.

Early on I said that considering how our parents are aging that we should have a family meeting with my parents and their lawyer so that we can all ask questions and understand how he wrote up directions for how things will proceed while him and my mother are still living and that is part of their will. That is what a "functional" family should do so everyone understands and there is no feelings of confusion or fear of manipulation etc. I sat with both my parents and suggested this, I even suggested this to my older sister and SHE WOULD NOT HAVE IT. Instead she would create DRAMA and get my parents all upset and confused and tired and not wanting to deal with it at all.

This is when I would visit my parents at their home and they expressed frustration and anxiety and refer to my older sister as "she is so bossy and mean".

Unfortunately, all of this began taking place while I was struggling with PTSD and dealing with so much debt from all the vet bills addressing all the damage to my horses and ponies. I had reached out for help and unfortunately the help I got did not help me, but instead confused me and made me worse. All the expenses went on credit cards and because I needed some of these animals in my business that were lost/damaged, I struggled to be able to do the business I needed to do to cover expenses PLUS all this new debt that I could not make the payments on. I literally could not afford to drive to my parents and be more involved. Also, things were so bad that my husband could no longer afford to pay for health insurance. He got very ANGRY and MEAN, and when he came to pick me up from the psych ward, he was ANGRY. I was more exhausted and traumatized then when I went to that psych ward because all that stay did was traumatize me more and I did NOT get any sleep and true rest because every night they would come into my room every 10 to fifteen minutes and I would wake up all startled. What I have learned is that I had needed real rest and not be in a place that literally kept triggering me into hypervigilance, even when I tried to sleep. That I needed to be able to take a shower without someone standing there watching over me even when I tried to dry my hair and put on my make up and BE myself. I only took one shower because of that. Also, the whole time I was there no one told me that there was a time limit so I began to get frightened about having to stay locked up in this place for a really long time. I had not idea they typically have a limit of 10 days and I could see an end, but instead day after day I had no idea of an end and I was abandoned and my sister would not let my parents come and visit me. I sat there on Thanksgiving alone with some extremely disturbed stangers, no calls, no visit from any of my family either.

I remember that drive home with my husband and how angry he was. I remember thinking about how even though I was even more exhausted that I had to find a way to dig very deep and go right back into that tornado of addressing all that damage. I hand walked the injured animals to the point where I developed severe planter's facetious in both my feet. It was horrible because with what I do, I am always on my feet. I had to get injections in my feet and I had to have special orthotics made and special sneakers adjusted by a foot specialist so I could walk. If my mother helped me with that does that mean I should be ASHAMED?

Then my husband broke, he went to bed and did not get up to work. I did not push him, I gave him what I had needed myself. I managed to sell one horse that I spent a lot of money on to get him sound enough to sell, and I should have paid down all that I had to charge on my credit card, but while I did pay "some" I kept some and that is what I used to pay all our bills while my husband crashed and slept and slept and did not work or pay our bills for two months. During all that, with what I have learned, I was pretty much stuck in hyper vigilant mode and that only made the post traumatic stress breakdown develop into the full blown disorder.

My sister consistently brings up late 2010 and 2011 where my parents tried to help me and that is VERY triggering because I did not have a therapist, could not find one I could afford, was looking for a support group, only found this site. I began experiencing dangerous suicidal impulses. I finally found a trauma specialist that treated me on a sliding scale because he could see that I was really bad at this point. A true specialist has the ability to see ALL THE RED FLAGS. And this therapist also slowly explained to me that YES all the treatment I had gotten WAS WRONG too. I was in really bad shape, and I had to find a way to do what I needed FOR MYSELF.

I did not abandon my parents and I was not a BAD WOMAN even though my family reacted to me that way WAY TOO MUCH. I do not deserve to be SHAMED for any help my parents did when they sent me money so I could GET HELP. The PTSD got worse and developed into complex PTSD where I began having flashbacks from my childhood too. I had no idea my sister's behaviors were triggering these flashbacks, however, it did get so I could not talk to her, hear her voice even without ending up a literal ball in my bed. All that did was make her mad at me and suspicious too.

I have a hard time when someone shouts at me or personally attacks me. I have a hard time even sharing a need for myself too. I have realized this is because of how badly I have been treated when I REALLY SERIOUSLY HAD A NEED.

My mother had to have back surgery and she did not handle the anesthesia well at all. She woke up delusional and confused and physically and mentally traumatized. When she was moved to a rehabilitation facility my sister took over control of that and her choices were not good. She put my mother in a room with a hispanic woman and my laid there shivering and confused with the blanket up over her face with only her eyes peeking out. My sister said, "This will stimulate her", when that is THE LAST THING SHE NEEDED. I stayed with my mother and after my sister and father left, this hispanic woman had a lot of family members visit her and they were loud and speaking spanish and I could see it was really upsetting my mother and she was in NO CONDITION for that. I knew that because I know first hand what trauma after a major surgery feels like and how the affects of the anesthesia can disorient someone, be I experienced that myself. So I paced the halls and noticed some vacant private rooms and walked up to the desk and asked if I could have my mother put in one. I did the paperwork and gave them my credit card because even though I could not afford it, at that point my mother needed me. It was the best feeling to be able to move her into that private room and sit with her and help her FEEL SAFE.

But that would be the last time I would be able to have that power. My sister was LIVID that I did that and did not ask HER PERMISSION. Then the surgeon told my sister NOT to have my mother seen by any psychiatrist/psychologist because she will be misdiagnosed and put on meds and she just needs time to slowly get over the affects of the anesthesia. My sister would not listen to him and went and did that anyway and my mother was put on Rameron. They had tried to give that to me in the psych ward and it made me so sick to my stomach. I was on my knees in front of the toilet and the nurse came in and yelled at me for missing group. Well, I watched my poor mother not want to eat, complain about feeling nauseous and my sister REFUSED to listen and kept her on it and that was the beginning of my sister taking steps to make sure I was not allowed to talk to ANY doctor or even know what medications my mother was on. My sister led my father in the wrong direction.

It was SO triggering to watch my mother complain and my sister pushing her to eat anyway. I would get so badly triggered that I would experience debilitating PTSD cycles only I did not understand that.

People ask, why did you not do this or that, but it's important to understand how much I was struggling at the time myself and that the way my sister was reacting only crippled me even more. When my mother finally got home and I visited her, she was hunched over and struggling. Then, when my sister and my father left, and I was alone with her?
I watched my mother completely change before my eyes to her old self and she dropped her cane and literally bounced around to go get something to show me. That actually traumatized me because I could see that she felt able to TRUST me, but, around my sister and my father, she wanted them to not push her around and force her to do anything, which they were pushing her and she was learning how to fight back by acting weaker than she was.

My mother did not want to go back to cooking for my father three times a day or cleaning a house that was too big for her to keep up with. That is what they were pushing for too. It's important to understand that it takes months to recover from anesthesia, and with my mother it was worse than it was for me. Plus, she was pushed to take a medication that DID NOT HELP HER, and actually, it's dangerous when it comes to giving the elderly antidepressants. There is a risk of stroke too. And she did have a stroke in front of me one day, and as I have mentioned when I got her to the ER, my sister came into the ER and came RIGHT AT ME IN A RAGE and insisted I CAUSED MY MOTHER TO HAVE A STROKE.

My mother would call me CRYING and telling me, "Your sister is so MEAN to me and I feel like a little child sitting here on the floor crying". I KNOW WHAT SHE IS FEELING.
And experiencing this only TRAUMATIZED me even more when that is the LAST THING I needed. I would see my mother one way with me and how she was with both my sister and my father and to even try to sit and talk to them about how she is with me would actually betray my mother and could have made things even worse.

All of this DYSFUNCTION is what triggered things from my childhood to come forward in confusing and crippling flashbacks. Because TELLING the truth would ONLY MAKE IT EVEN MORE TOXIC. I have lived it ALL MY LIFE, and I know first and how that is not imagined but a reality. What one has to think about is who will end up getting hurt and what I have learned is "the one who least deserves it".

I guess the one thing I want my parents to know is all they did with that will, or living will is GIVE MY SISTER ALL THE POWER, and me NONE. I am not abandoning them, I have been trying, but when my sister is threatened she creates SO MUCH DRAMA that she gets my parents ALL UPSET.

I have gotten to a point myself where my sister can trigger me so badly that I often struggle to function for days.

I am not abandoning them, I am not taking advantage of them either but their choice has made it extremely hard for me. This old fashioned idea of "the oldest is supposed to have the power" is WRONG.

One time I drove down to my parents and took them both out to dinner. Then I took them to a big store to walk around to get them out. I watched them looking over their shoulder like my sister was right there telling them to hurry up and pushing them. I had to stop them and literally tell BOTH OF THEM, she is not here, there is NO RUSH at all and you are really free to walk around and look around and RELAX. I really cannot tell how they REALLY ARE until I can see them ALONE. I do not have that now.

The guilt I feel is how I was struggling so much myself that did not have the strength to fight back. I did try but I often would get triggered and struggle for days and struggled to run my farm and manage to do my business because I had SO MUCH DEBT along with a lawyer who was declining into dementia. I got so I had to let go and concentrate on therapy and slowly gaining an understanding of what PTSD was, I did not even know what "trigger" meant. I did not understand "hypervigilance" either. I was completely confused when I experienced flashbacks. I would have them in front of my therapist and THANK GOD he knew and would help talk me through them. Before that I was yelled at when I would experience a flashback.

I don't know, I want my parents to know how much I love them and that I am not abandoning them. But I don't want them to get so they don't feel safe because they are too fragile for that and too dependent on my sister now.

I am actually glad my mother fell and broke her wrist and ended up in that rehabilitation facility, because at least I found a way to visit her and be ALONE with her. I was so glad that I could actually call her on the phone where SHE could pick up instead of my sister picking up. What broke my heart and triggered me is that when I was alone with her and hugged her, she said, I miss you my friend and it's been hard not seeing you all these months. I felt complete remorse about that because I would have preferred that maybe her dementia was at a point where she was not able to realize how long it has been since we had time alone together and she could be HERSELF and feel safe.

I didn't have to read your whole response to know that you're in a ****** situation.

I don't have any suggestions. I just really feel for you. Siblings who behave like your sister (and I have 2) are the worst.

The only route I could suggest you try is to go to a lawyer, present the unhealthy ways your sister has been caring for your parents, and see if they will take your case.

I know from experience, your sister is unlikely to change unless something catastrophic and enlightening happens to her, and it sounds as if your parents are in no shape to either change things legally themselves nor "escape" in a legal manner.

My heart breaks for you and your parents.
*hugs*

((((OE))))

I agree that sister treats “open eyes” in unhealthy and mean manner. I don’t see any examples of her caring for parents in unhealthy manner. I don’t see how lawyers could enforce sister to be nice. Maybe open eyes can get visitations enforced.

I have toxic dad and toxic sister in law. I am full of anxiety when I see my mom
Or my niece and nephew because it means I have to put up with dad and sister in law. But I just don’t see what can legal system do here?

How do you see courts interfering here?

She stated outright that the sister went against doctors orders and made her mother see a psychiatrist knowing full well she would be misdiagnosed n put on a medication she did not need to be put on that would only further complicate things. She also stated the sister more or less manipulated the parents into creating and signing an addendum to their will in order to assure no challenges were brought by either her or her brother against the sister (something the father does not even recall doing), she stated her mother is fearful enough of her sister that her mother pretends to be weaker than she is so as to not be expected to do as much - these are all unhealthy

I do not feel my sister is abusing my parents while they are living with her. My sister has people that do come to her home, caregivers that help with my parents. I am not there where I have met these individuals, but I am sure if they saw abuse and neglect they would report it. The one time I did stop by to visit with my parents they were clean and sitting and watching TV and in good spirits. I don't believe my sister would harm my parents intentionally, she is however very controlling. My parents are now at a point where they both struggle to get around, they need to use walkers. My sister's home is set up well where she has a room on her first floor with a 1/2 bath that can be used as their bedroom so they do not have to climb stairs. She has another bathroom on the first floor that has a shower so caregivers can help bath them and they don't have to climb stairs. My sister has a nice house with a nice flow to it where my parents can move around and her home is kept clean and is actually very nice. I do not have a set up at my home where I could provide that for my parents without adding on a first floor bedroom like that and that would cost money.

At this point, I want my parents safe and cared for and I am not looking to take them away from my sister. The hard part is how I am now too uncomfortable about going there to visit them and how my sister behaves towards me that is TOXIC and triggers me so badly. I genuinely FEEL very unwelcome in my sister's home/environment and she does hover and I don't get to be ALONE with my parents. Just calling my parents on the phone is TOXIC where my sister ALWAYS has to say something and is definitely there hovering in an effort to keep the call as short as possible. It's SO OBVIOUS that my sister doesn't want me to spend time with them. When I visited my mother in the rehabilitation facility, I noticed when my sister visited and went when I knew she would not be there. I got to visit with my mother for two hours, just sit with her, hug her, talk and relax together, that is what I REALLY MISS.

All week I stressed about making at that one phone call so I could at least wish my father a happy birthday. I worried about what I would say if he once again asked me when will he get to SEE me. There were times where I told him I was sick when I wasn't, I was avoiding the truth so I did not make waves. But I HATE lying to my parents. I started this thread because I wanted to see if anyone had an idea about what to say that I had not thought of. I don't want them to think that they don't see me because I don't care about them. I love them very much and I genuinely miss them every day.

The last time I saw them both I was visiting my mother in the rehabilitation facility. My mother was having a bad day that day and when I entered her room she was sitting in a wheel chair with a phone in her hand and when she saw me she said, "OH thank you God", because she said she was trying to call me for help. Well, I discovered she had pooped in her pants and was sitting there in it all confused and upset and frightened. The staff came in and helped her on the bed and cleaned her up. She had a broken wrist so that added to her challenge about getting herself to the bathroom with the walker where she needed two hands along with having two hands to get up as she is 93 now and she is weak. The staff cleaned her up, put a johnny on her and got her comfortable in her bed and I talked to her to calm her down and help her feel safe again.
I was sitting there when next thing I knew my sister appeared in the doorway with my father in a wheel chair. My father looked very thin and frail and my sister pushed him up to the side of my mother's bed where he could see her and he said, It's me, your husband, do you remember me? I had never seen a time when my mother did not remember him. Yet that's the hard part because they are both different around me than they are with my sister. I got to give my father a hug, it felt so nice to do that and I suddenly remember that I had his Christmas Present from last Christmas in my car just in case I got to see him. I had already given my mother the Christmas presents I had gotten for her so many month's later on one of my visits, glad I didn't have to stare at them sitting on my living room floor all those months. My sister left saying she had to get something in her car and I thought about the present and told him I had something for him and would be back. I got to the front door of the facility and I had an attack, it was so bad I really thought I was having a massive heart attack. It hit me out of no where and my focus was on getting his present. The doors opened and all I could think of is to get to my car and I better not collapse there because my sister's voice in my head said, "don't want YOUR DRAMA". I focused on getting to my car so I would not be in the way if I was having a heart attack. I sat in my car and my entire body was shaking, shaking really bad. I sat there shaking and I knew there was no way I could go back in that building NO WAY. So I got so I was at least able to start my car and get away and think about where the closest emergency room was. I really should not have been driving in that condition, this was always something I worried about whenever I tried to see my parents ALONE. I was afraid that I might get triggered and have to drive when it was not safe for me to do so. As I was driving away I thought, "who could I call that would have a calm voice and help me with this?". That is when I realized "no one", I did try my husband and all he did is give me an angry voice, and that NEVER helps but instead makes it worse. So I imagined the therapist's voice that had helped me so much, talked me through flashbacks with a kind and calm and understanding voice. He has retired and I miss him terribly, but he did leave me with the ability to remember his kind voice. That's what one kind person, with a kind understanding calm voice can do that can help so much, a voice you can think about at a time when no one is there and you need help. A kind voice that is never condescending, that doesn't talk down to you, but is caring and kind and only wants you to find your way out of experiencing a struggle you don't understand.

It was not my mother or father that triggered me to have that horrible attack, it was SO PAINFUL, the worst yet. It was my sister's presence and it was not any kind of conscious decision on my part to experience that horrible attack. People say, don't give her power, stand up to her etc. but the power she has is not something I even know how to stop because it's not a conscious decision to have that reaction. I am not afraid of my sister, I am afraid of the attacks and triggers and flashbacks she triggers that take me completely by surprise. This has been the one thing about PTSD that I really don't like and the hardest thing to explain to other people UNLESS it is someone who knows what it's like first hand.

Just a DAMN simple phone call and my sister yells at me for NOTHING, what, because I don't want to listen to her once again talk down to me and tell me to make it quick? I am not the only one she talks down to either. She REALLY turns people off. One can say to me, good for you, you stood up to her, you were strong, but honestly IT'S EXHAUSTING. Just to have a few moments to wish my daddy "happy birthday, I love you".

I can understand why you feel as you do about the toxic behavior from your sister toward you but aside from either
1) sucking it up n going anyway
2) not going at all in order to keep her away from you
Or
3) going to a lawyer and outlining the behaviors that are unhealthy (not necessarily abusive but unhealthy) and letting the courts deal with it

... there are no other options.

I don't know what to tell you so I will just bow out now.

Take care n good luck.

The things I have shared have been ongoing for the last ten years. Looking back from where I am now, I can see a lot of red flags that I did not see before. I can finally see the kind of jealousy my mother said was there. It's more about that I simply exist and I can see how my sister really always wanted my parents to herself. I was never much of a counter where I felt a need to know if anyone got more than me of anything.

Honestly, unhealthy behavior has no time frame in my mind - meaning it doesn't matter if it's been going on for 10 min or 10 decades, unhealthy is still unhealthy. The difference is you have tried to help her see she needs to change it and she refused. That's when courts can get involved. If you don't want that, it's fine - but there are still no other options available. It's just a cruel fact of this life we live in.

I had not been able to click to take myself out of this thread bc I had entered it thru my notifications on PC. This time I entered thru my email so I will remove myself now. If you want to talk to me about this, feel free to pm, but I don't want to feel I am doing nothing but upsetting.

I wish you well.
❤

I can understand not wanting to get your hopes up that she will allow you more access, either by phone or in person, after this. But if she does, i wouldnt turn it down. My brother became/becomes almost human at times - its startling, but i just try to roll with punches, not look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. He doesnt define me or my relationships, much as he would like to.

((Crypts)) you are not upsetting me at all. You are trying to be supportive in what ever way you can.

I have talked to my lawyer about what I am dealing with. My older brother has talked to a lawyer too. Also, at one point when my brother was stopping by their home to visit my parents he began to notice how smelly and dirty their home was. One time when I talked to him and planned to meet at my parents house, I was a bit nervous because I had not seen my brother in 20 years. He lives in another state and he chose to distance from my parents and my older sister, he himself has a bad history with her. My sister ALWAYS hated him from the moment he was brought home as a baby. So, I grew up with two siblings that hated each other. My sister did not want me to be nice to him or even play with him. She wanted me to hate him like her, but I could not do that and I played with him when she was not around, he had problems and had no friends and I did not want him to have no one.

Well, when I drove to my parents to meet with my brother he was there first and when I walked in my parent's house it was REALLY bad and my brother had all the windows open. I snuck in the bathroom and my mother's room with a garbage bag and picked up all the soiled pee pads that accumulated that made the house stink. I opened the refrigerator because that stunk really bad and got rid of all the rotten smelly food. I was shocked to see how bad it was because I was under the impression my sister and her daughter were taking care of all that, but they obviously were not.

My brother was so upset he ended up reporting it and I don't know if anything happened after that because they never tell you if they check it out. I was under the impression that my sister and her daughter was taking care of that as they had taken over all of that and god forbid I butt my nose in.

As far as taking legal action? It would cost not only financially, but my biggest worry is how doing that could upset my parents and stress them to where they can't handle it and it may contribute to making them worse. I always think of that as you may see in what I share. If my father is not declared incompetent, which is how my sister has worked it so far, he would have to show up in court and probably with my mother and I honestly feel the stress from that could kill him. What I did notice is that after that visit my parents house was kept up and cleanned really well.

What did happen during that visit with my brother is my sister came. And I sat there and witnessed the HATE between the two of them. Truth is, witnessing that triggered a lot to come forward in me from my childhood. And once again I felt like a small helpless child in the middle. I did not anticipate that happening, it caught me off guard. And the way my sister acted was just what she had ALWAYS warned she would do, "you play with him and I will not be nice to you". That has NEVER changed. Here we all are in our sixties, yet that hate from our childhood NEVER changed.

Well, I guess my point in all this is to say that I have reached out for help and talked to my own lawyer who ended up taking over my case from the lawyer that had declined so badly and messed up my case so badly. This lawyer knows I have PTSD and was treated very badly. She is nice to me and I can call her and talk and she doesn't charge me and she is honest with me about what I would have to face. Taking legal action is expensive and could end up having consequences that hurts my parents and I don't want them hurt.