Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

Oh Lordy. I've started online dating and now have a profile on two dating sites.

Yesterday, I had to deal with two different creeps. One wanted to dress me up in specific clothing for our first meeting!!! He suggested I wear my cowgirl hat and boots and perhaps even fishnet stalkings!!! AND sent me a sexy pic of a woman dressed in this way. EW!!! I have to now back out of this meeting.

Another got all pushy with me when I said I was too tired to talk on the phone yesterday, but had to go out to dinner. He said "oh, so you have the energy for dinner, but not to talk to me for a minute?" I had told him I would call tomorrow instead. PUSHY!!!! So, I am backing out of communicating with him!

This is reminding me of the last time I tried to online date, last year. I met someone whose ex wife had gotten a restraining order on him. NO THANK YOU. And someone else who just wanted to drink and party all night. NO THANK YOU AS WELL.

I've met a couple of relatively good men through online dating in the past, but now I am wondering if this really is a good avenue for meeting DECENT people????

People online can pretend to be whomever they want. They often lie and present a facade. People troll, and God knows who is TRULY behind the picture. It's a bit scary in fact to think about WHO you're really talking to and IF they're for real.

But I don't know how else to meet people. I don't have enough money to join singles' clubs and activities that require funds.... except maybe a hiking group.

Has anyone had a positive experience from online dating??? Fallen in love even or met their true match?

My sister met her boyfriend of now four years on Match.com. That's one of the sites I'm on, so I am hoping I, too, can meet a relatively normal, stable and decent person. But right now, I am very wary because of these two men and am doubtful.

Don't let you scare off by these creeps - there are many of them, but there are many decent people as well. Try to keep looking, just be careful

Yeah, but I worry that it's MOSTLY creeps who are online. I met my last guy online and HE turned out to be abusive and not at all the person he presented himself to be. Of course, I've written all about that in different threads.

Why does it have to be so hard to find a good person?

I met someone last night online and he lives in the States and comes to Japan often to visit. We may meet when he comes. He is sweet and nice. I went through many men online to meet someone nice. Of course, I met abusive men too like you. I drop them ASAP. I met a man with bipolar but refused sex from him because he has ED- erectile dysfunction (we had sex a few times) and he has not been that nice to me since. But, this current man I won't meet for awhile and don't know if we will last until he comes here. However, I have hope as long as we communicate and remain in contact that we will meet and last. If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Only problem is that most of them my age are married or have baggage. So, I become happy when I meet someone nice. As you said, he may be presenting himself in another light so won't know who he is until we meet. But, we probably won't meet for several months. I will know as much as possible about him before we meet. If it works out, great. If not, bummer. I think communicating for months before meeting is a good idea. If he is really serious about you, he will maintain contact. I think the men who I met on a whim never turned out well for me. Thus, I am hoping for the best this time.

I hope it works out for you! Just get to know him better, and watch for any red flags! One problem i found with long distance is you cannot SEE ALL of the person in their whole life... how they are.... that doesn't mean it cannot work, but it just puts more on the communication factor for finding out who they are, and then of course, seeing what they are truly like when you finally meet in person. People can say anything online. NOT to scare you off, this sounds promising so far & I really hope he IS truly nice and a decent person... perhaps I am a bit jaded after my own last online experience. :/

I'd like to say encouraging things, Eve. And I do know people who got together that way. But, honestly, I wouldn't personally do it.

I can't think of anything worse, really.

You can tell very quickly irl if you'll like a person. Shoes, movements, voice, eyes, impressive confidence or cute shyness, their friends, their job, context, history, smile, sense of humour, what other people think of them, the place you both are... on and on.

Online must be like choosing blind.

Your idea of joining a hiking group. That sounds much better.

ALL very valid points, purple! I just don't know. I had a nice chat with someone online today... and another one just popped up who could be decent. I'm going to give it a chance and just see how it goes. I did pay for three months afterall, so I might as well use it! And maybe join a hiking group too, in the meantime!

Stay safe. Don't tell them you have a cowgirl hat

Nowadays pretty much almost everyone who is looking for a date is online. So it can’t possibky be just creeps. I have met my husband on eharmony. I’ve met long term significant other (8 years long) prior to my husband on match. Although relationship didn’t last and didn’t result in happily ever after he isn’t s creep but respectful good person. I’ve met other decent men.

My daughter recently started dating after grieving for a year (she unexpectedly widowed last year), she tells me about every date. All respectful professionals, she has good time on dates. So far she is liking one more than others. Etc etc

I think there are couple of things to consider (not for you personally, in general) : don’t use free sites, dont talk about sex, don’t continue talking if they bring up sex, dont flirt with strangers, don’t date if you are still angry about ex, don’t date if you feel desperate (did that, bad bad idea), have your own life in order, have clear deal breakers that you are aware of, know exactly what kind of men you need. Figure out what type of men you attract (if they are wrong for you) and go for different kind.

Hehehee! Will do! I will be safe, for sure.

Him being a jerk had nothing to do with meeting him online. You could meet a jerk in bible studies group.

thanks, Divine! It's SO nice to hear of positive experiences and stories! I figured there MUST be SOME decent ppl online, and as you said, most everyone is at this point.

That's also excellent advice and pointers! THANK YOU. Great reminders.... I have all of that in mind.

Today I just realized how happy and free I feel at this very moment in time. Yes, I have had my ex "moments" and am still getting past it, so I'm not rushing dates or into meeting people right away. Just chatting and seeing if I like anyone in particular that I WOULD want to meet in person.

There is one man I've agreed to meet next week in person. He may be more like a friend for me right now, but we relate on our music tastes and on many other things, so he could be a good new friend. I am not expecting anything more, really. He is still getting past his divorce.

Another good point. Very true!

Try eharmony. It’s pricey but was worth it for us. It’s safer, the way it sets it up. People can’t see you if you aren’t interested after intitual contact. It sends you profiles based on your answers to a set of questions. Also in my case it sent me profiles of type of men that I’ve not seen on other sites, or there weren’t shown up in matches or I wouldn’t naturally attract them or be attracted to. It made me go for men I’d maybe not choose myself but they’d be better choice for me. I clearly needed help

I tried eharmony once years ago and didn't like the format. Like, you couldn't just carry on or initiate an actual conversation with the person, you had to use their pre-set question and answer format to communicate, forcing no real conversation until these questions were answered back and forth first. I didn't like that aspect. Maybe they've changed it since then -- this was probably ten years ago now. But that may be a good site for me to try when I am really ready for a more serious commitment and relationship. =)

It still works that way and I specifically liked that aspect a lot because it weeds out men who are wrong for me. Saves you time.

For example, if they send you a list of deal breakers and one is “if woman is overweight”. Then I know not to bother even having a conversation. Not because I am overweight as I am not (although I gained since I got married lol) but because it just tells me he is focused on appearances. Red flag. Just an example.

My husband and I talked to each other in about a week after initial exchange of questions. So if you like someone’s responses it goes quick

Ugh... that aspect really drove me nuts the last time. Maybe I would feel differently now if it helps weed them out. Hard to know.

I guess I like the instant gratification of being able to directly chat and weed them out yourself. I may still try eharmony down the road.

Clearly we don’t weed them out successfully ourselves hahaha

LOL. Well, this time is going to be very different, I can tell you that!!! I'm already doing far better at weeding.

UGH. Well, I spent the day chatting with a guy getting to know one another only to find out we're incompatible. This made me miss my ex like crazy. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe I'll just take myself out of this whole thing and will just enjoy my life by myself instead. Then again, I want a long-term relationship again one day. This SUCKS.

If you just started talking to a guy, don’t chat up all day. One or few emails a day. I honestly wouldn’t chat up with anyone all day even if I knew them, let alone strangers (doesn’t the guy work?) be careful getting attached to strangers

It’s possible that you started dating a bit too early. Maybe taking few months off dating isn’t a bad idea. You just got out of a relationship! I also recommend (not me as much as my therapist to stay busy with variety of things so you don’t feel desperate for a relationship).

You’ll meet a good guy soon!

Yeah.... I am only working part-time myself right now but these ppl seem to have plenty of time to chat.

Maybe I did start too early. I may just decide to live my life alone. Screw it. And have fun with my friends and whatever else happens. I don't feel desperate I just wanted to forget my ex and move on.

As a man, I've never received a single message in online dating. I get likes (I wonder if out of pity), yet anytime I encourage myself to write a neutral message based on something described on their profile(common sense, no weird situations like those you had to go through)

Yet... nothing comes back. Wondered ways I had to blame myself to rectify (was my profile pic, bio? The way I wrote that crucial first message for that first impression?), just for reaching, once more, the amazing conclusion...

I gave up . I got no social circles, no suitable social status, etc. I guess I'd be seen, sooner or later, as worthless material, once I get forced to speak the truth about myself (I don't feel like catfishing anyone).

If I'm a creep, I'd have yet another reason to shut me off from the gene pool, I guess.

I’m sorry you had this experience.

Exactly. Sad but true. I laugh when I see the Match commercials on tv, touting the 'success' stories. They obviously haven't heard mine, lol. (it was a disaster to say the least )

Sorry you've had those experiences. Unfortunately it's a fact given the nature of the internet.