[Artchic528]

This is hard for me to talk about. I never thought it would happen. So strange. I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm caught up in a whirlwind of a hellstorm that revolves around relationships, so I'm posting it here.

You see, Mom left Dad to go move into an apartment. She has a lot of anger and hate toward my Dad now. Very bitter about their relationship. Dad, I think, has moved on. There's a lady friend in his life now. He's become to resentful of Mom's bitterness to want anything to do with her anymore. It's so strange to see Dad being happy with someone who isn't Mom.

Worst of all is that I feel like I'm being forced in the middle of their marital mayhem. Dad always has something passive aggressive about Mom to say, or outright complains about her behavior. He often says these things to me and I feel caught up in the turmoil. I just want to stay impartial and keep my nose out of it all. If they don't want to talk to one another, that's their issue, not mine. Mom just plain avoids Dad, rather than work through what her issues are with him and now he avoids her. She has even become bitter about the concept of marriage altogether. I love them both, but being in the middle of all this is exhausting me emotionally.

I'm honestly old enough to handle this more so in a mature manner rather than break down and demand that they try and salvage their marriage. I don't want to be a daughter who only thinks of her own selfish needs and wants over that of her parents' happiness. If they are happy apart, so be it. It's not my place to tell them what to do. Yet, a small part of me just thinks "Why can't they get their act together, get some marriage counseling and work through their issues? Why act the way they are?" Maybe this is because I just want peace in my life again. If only...if only...

To make this more complicated, this'll be the first year my parent's won't be together for the holidays since my kid brother was rushed to the hospital a few days before Christmas back in the 90's when he had Leukemia. That lasted till Noon on Christmas Day and he was released and the family could thankfully spend the rest of the day together. Since then it's always been at least my Mom, Dad, and I together at Christmas and Thanksgiving. This is a time for togetherness and family, and all I have is fragments of what once was. Going to be one Christmas and Thanksgiving I'll never forget. Not that I want to remember it at any rate.

The Hungarian guy and I are getting to know each other better and better, and honestly, if it weren't for him, I'd have gone off the deep end a while back. He keeps me sane. I've stopped looking on online dating sites and have closed my profiles. I've decided that even if I wasn't talking to that Hungarian guy, I just can't emotionally handle adding dating to my proverbial plate. It's probably a good thing he's so far away. It's like having someone special, and then it's like being single too. Only, I don't go around looking for anyone else. I just talk to him. Loyalty? Maybe too soon to call it that, but eh, it is what it is.

And that's been my life these past couple of months, sad to say. My life is no longer what it once was, and as often as I complained about it before, I can't help but miss it dearly. I guess you don't know what you have til it's gone...

[Open Eyes]

And that's been my life these past couple of months, sad to say. My life is no longer what it once was, and as often as I complained about it before, I can't help but miss it dearly. I guess you don't know what you have til it's gone...

Change tends to always be uncomfortable and stressful. Human beings tend to like following along with a structure where they can predict too. For example, we like to know that when we go and brush our teeth the toothpaste is on the sink and our tooth brush is in the tooth brush holder, that the light switch is where we remember it, that the light will just go on when we flip that switch, that the toilet paper will be in it's place when we need it and the shower will get hot when we turn the knobs a certain way without having to give it much thought. We all like to have certain things already mapped out so we can navigate without having to stop and think about every little thing because thinking about every little thing takes up mental energy and we can feel like our main goal for the day doesn't get done because of all the other obstacles that are not where they should be.

The things you complained about were things that were unpleasant about the environment you were existing in. However, that environment as toxic as it was, was still pretty much predictable and you basically learned to adjust to it. So what you actually miss was how things were in place that you just got used to being in place and you could predict a lot. Well, now that has changed and you have things out of place and that is stressing you because your mental map has changed from what you had in place and things have become unpredictable and out of place. And your father is also having a hard time with this and is venting that on you. Actually, from what you have shared he does tend to do that where if something he wanted to see happen did not happen, he would vent anger and often he directed that at you.

Your mother is the one that got fed up and left. Your father would have been content to continue the pattern he was functioning with that made your mother unhappy IF she gave in and allowed that to happen.

Unfortunately, what often happens with these breakups in a relationship is the child tends to wind up in the middle. It can become a role that the child gets used to even when that role is not healthy for the child. You did not actually get to see a healthy relationship when it came to your parents. So it's not surprising that you are not all too sure what a healthy relationship actually is. This is all too common in your generation. And that's part of the reason you had so many challenges when you tried dating sites.

Well, your father is going to be angry at your mother for leaving him, he will date different women in an effort to fill that void and find someone who will basically mother him and give him what he needs. Your mother may not date and decide that she just wants to live her own life for a while without having to answer to someone. Unless you can live on your own, you will have to live with one of them and find a way to put up with this ongoing "new" dysfunction. Let's face it, it's just a new kind of dysfunction and that will mean that the tooth paste is not going to be on the sink and you may turn on the switch only to find the light won't go on and have to learn how to replace the bulb yourself and have your own tube of toothpaste you can put somewhere that you can depend on it being there. Of course, I am just using these as examples so don't take that literally, it's just figuratively speaking.

Even when you are an adult it is still incredibly hard to see your parents say unkind things about each other.

Personally I don't think it is selfish to say to them that you understand they are hurting/angry but it is hurting you to hear them talk like that. I don't think it is fair to unleash all their negative feelings around you like that.

[seesaw]

You can't change how they feel about each other. I would simply stop them whenever they say anything about each other and either tell them you won't listen to them badmouth each other or leave the room every time they start. It's called a boundary.

I went through this in my early 20s with my parents. But I didn't live at home anymore so it was different for me. I think it's harder for you because you are still dependent on your parents.

I'm not familiar with this Hungarian guy you speak of. But at least you have someone to chat with regularly.

I think the last time you posted a lot of us had encouraged you to seek out your own housing. Have you made any progress towards that end? I think the breakup of your parents would be a lot easier to deal with if you had an independent life of your own and if your life wasn't so dependent on them.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. When my parents finally decided to divorce I was actually thankful. They made my childhood miserable by "staying together for the kids" and they are actually why I have such severe PTSD and depression - because they created a violent home environment with their relationship that traumatized me from the day I was born.

Just know that you're in the beginning of this separation, and their emotions are still raw. After a year or two, they will move on and be happier without each other and find new meaning in their separate lives.

Glad you're back.

Seesaw

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I guess you don't know what you have til it's gone...

So true! Today we must appreciate all the good in our life. Tomorrow all that "good" can disappear. When we appreciate the good moments, we tend to remember our good memories instead of dwelling on the bad ones.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Hey Artchic528! It's good to see you here! I've missed you! I do know the feeling of having a mom and dad who seem to just say to hell with it and not work on their issues. Both very selfish and thoughtless. I still feel, at least with my mom, that there is little peace. Frankly, if only one of us wants the peace that comes with working though things, then it's never going to be resolved if she does nothing.

I wish you good things and tranquility this holiday season! Cat