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  #1  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 09:35 AM
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SheilaKathy SheilaKathy is offline
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Do You Defend or Stick Up for Others?

If you would, under what circumstances would you do so?

If you have done so, please tell us briefly about the situation, like what was being done to or said about the person that caused you to feel the need to defend them?

I'm asking, because I feel sometimes that some of my friends should have stuck up for me when someone was being mean to me and none of them did. It hurt. I am wondering if I expected too much of them, or what?
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  #2  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 09:44 AM
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I always stick up for my friends, if the need or situation arises! If someone is bad mouthing a friend of mine, I will stand up for them.

It does hurt when people who supposedly care about you don't stand up for you. And I'm sorry that that happened to you. Good friends I feel should always have each other's backs, under all circumstances. To me, that is a part of what defines a solid friendship.

If people aren't willing to have your back, how good a friend are they?
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  #3  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 09:52 AM
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Depends on the circumstance. I find it very difficult to be assertive, but there have been times when I have stood up for people when I think they are being wronged.
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Old Nov 24, 2017, 10:08 AM
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Erebos Erebos is offline
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I stick up for anyone I feel isn't getting a fair hearing, friends or strangers even when it puts me in the firing line.
If there is one thing I can't stand it's someone being shouted down or ganged up on.
I have stuck up for friends who were in the wrong but trying to apologise.
I have had stand up shouting matches with a bunch of thugs picking on a bystander.
I've stood up to a drunk guy threatening his girlfriend on a train.
And I talked down a severely mentally ill guy who was holding our bus up by threAtening the driver and passengers.
Like fight or flight, you either have it in you to take up situation or you don't.
Not everyone can think with a clear head when confrontation is involved.
What's more, interference isn't always received with gratitude especially in domestic situations so u have to tread carefully.
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Old Nov 24, 2017, 10:12 AM
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SheilaKathy SheilaKathy is offline
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Thanks for your thoughts, you 3. I did defend someone who was being mistreated verbally and it seemed to me that no one else cared at all. I also advised the person to sit elsewhere, so that they were not so near to the person who was mistreating them. They did this and it helped also.

As to folks who should have stuck up for me when I was being mistreated, I know that many people do not like confrontations. I know that when I had to stick up for my friend, I did not know what to do other than to use anger to stop the meanie. So that was what I did.

Since then I have been learning about assertiveness, so I would do more along those lines in the future, should something like this happen to a friend of mine. I know I do have some friends who are totally able to stick up for themselves and put a stop to meanies. Others are not so up to it, I know, also.

I guess I should just forgive my friends and move on. Life is too short to get stuck in something like this, but I did want to explore this and see what others have thought about it.

I wonder what others will say.... ?
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Last edited by SheilaKathy; Nov 24, 2017 at 10:13 AM. Reason: CHANGED NUMBER
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Old Nov 24, 2017, 10:16 AM
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SK, these are very good points about assertiveness and about some people not being comfortable with confrontation. It is very kindhearted of you to forgive your friends. Perhaps they didn't know what to do or how to handle it. ((((Hugs))))
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  #7  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 11:36 AM
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Carmina Carmina is offline
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Others yes

Me, not so much
  #8  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 11:50 AM
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Most definitely I do - to the point of putting myself in harms way. It is ironic though as I cannot for the life of me confront anyone on matters concerning myself. This yet I will jump into action for others being wronged or slighted; especially when they are the underdog.

example:

This summer I was group camping with a good number of my boyfriend's family. Present was a nephew of roughly 25 years. He obviously had problems (I suspect Aspergers or Autism). Everyone treated him horribly throughout the weekend; I could tell his father was agonising over it. Well, one night around the campfire they all got into the alcohol and the verbal jibes, jeers, and bullying became too much for me to bear. At one point the boy spoke up and pleaded with them to stop laughing at him, that they were hurting his feelings. Of course that was all they needed to pounce and go on an even more horrible attack. I could take no more and jumped up and royally told them all off.

Afterward the boy's father approached me crying and thankful. It seemed in his son's entire life no one had stood up for him. He hadn't been able to do so to his in-laws.

But there has definitely been fall out and I sometimes wonder if I had done the right thing. A normally close knit family is now fractured. My boyfriend has been ostracised from the rest of them. We - not even he alone - have not been included in the get togethers and events that have since happened. I feel terrible and question if it was worth it.
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  #9  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 01:51 PM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Have always stuck up for myself, others & especially animals.

I learned to stick up for myself because no one around me was capable (as in my parents). First job in college the business owner tried to cheat me out of money he agreed to pay for the work I did & I had the work in my hands, turned to leave. If he didnt pay what he agreed I was darned if he was going to get what I worked on. I immediately got the agreed on price. Went home & told my mom. She was shocked I had nerve to do that. She was sure they mixed up babies in the hospital when they brought me home as a baby. Lol...little did she know how hard I worked to be nothing like them.

Negotiated wages for myself through college days even in my career.....mostly by seeing both sides & negotiating.

Given that I had learned to stick up for myself I always look at every situation I run across. Depending on the person, I dont want them to become dependent on someone else always doing their sticking up for themselves or they will NEVER learn. Though while I may not defend them directly that doesnt mean that I wont call out the person or people who are picking on someone behind the scenes & in a diplomatic way to try & let them see how unkind their behavior is toward that person.

I ended up in the middle of a confrontation where both behaviors were wrong & in my best mediation form pointed this out to both. However the next week the one lady that was the one that had been being picked on for way too long was the one who apologized while the other lady just stood there saying over & over that she had "never been treated like that before". At that point I had it with her & just said, "well its about time someone did because your behavior is unacceptable."

Most times I seriously try to make each side see what is going wrong to cause the situstion because both sides usually (not always) play a part in what is happening. Thats why I want to see the big picture. Usually the person being picked on needs to do something different that can possibly stop it from happening while the picking on side needs to learn to be more sensitive. So IF i do get involved because I see it as necessary I use it as a teaching experience for ALL involved.
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  #10  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 05:07 PM
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SheilaKathy SheilaKathy is offline
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In my situation, to my knowledge, I had done nothing for which I should have been bullied or picked on. However, I must admit that it is a repeating pattern throughout my life. I somehow must come across as a pushover or something, because I seem to attract bullies like flies are attracted to watermelon. I was asked not long ago if I am a pacifist. I had to answer yes, for most of my life, until about a month ago, I had never had in my mind for a second to harm anyone. I had always been too agreeable, if anything.

About a month ago, however, I was so upset and so fed up, that it crossed my mind to harm some of these people. I placed myself into treatment then, as I really did not want to harm anyone. So I did not harm anyone, of course. I was just very overly angry. Since then, as I have said, I have worked on anger management and assertiveness training. I will be working more on these things with my mental health professionals as time goes on.
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  #11  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 05:33 PM
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This is a touchy subject for me ...

I only stick up for those who truly love me, like my S.O., my older sister, and my niece. I don't stick up for those who've harmed me, like my younger sister, my parents, or my neighbors.

I did stick up for my guy after my neighbors complained to me about his smoking habit, and how the smoke was seeping into their windows. I told them this is their problem, and that he won't change a darn thing for them. Little did I realize my neighbors were complaining to my guy about me that same day; he also defended me. Since then, I stopped talking to them. Best decision ever.

You'd be surprised how many husbands and wives don't stick up for each other. To me, defending someone is a true statement of commitment to someone (or lack thereof.)
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  #12  
Old Nov 24, 2017, 07:35 PM
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Quote:
About a month ago, however, I was so upset and so fed up, that it crossed my mind to harm some of these people.
defending ones self. (Self-defense) is one thing, harming someone because one just gets fed up is another.

I got so fed up wirh my H & being financially trapped in the marriage, ending my life as my only way to escape was definitely tried seversl times. I was always very independent so the feeling of trapped with no escape just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean really, right after I got married he started this put downvsarcasm thing. Got so fed up since I knew I was his equal if not better that I gave him a choice. Stop or GET OUT of my life. Now that I am free, I am very cautious NEVER to end up in a situation like that ever again. I value my alone independence on my farm that I take care of myself.

That being said I am no pacifist. If it comes to a my life or theirs situation, it is going to be theirs not mine.

I definitely NEVER stick up for someone I feel holds values that hurt other people....I CONFRONT I do not defend or stick up for them.

Though I have many friends who have differing beliefs & values & we all stick together, support & help each other out when anyone needs support. The community I now live is is so different than anything I have experienced all my life.
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  #13  
Old Nov 25, 2017, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by SheilaKathy View Post
In my situation, to my knowledge, I had done nothing for which I should have been bullied or picked on. However, I must admit that it is a repeating pattern throughout my life. I somehow must come across as a pushover or something, because I seem to attract bullies like flies are attracted to watermelon. I was asked not long ago if I am a pacifist. I had to answer yes, for most of my life, until about a month ago, I had never had in my mind for a second to harm anyone. I had always been too agreeable, if anything.

About a month ago, however, I was so upset and so fed up, that it crossed my mind to harm some of these people. I placed myself into treatment then, as I really did not want to harm anyone. So I did not harm anyone, of course. I was just very overly angry. Since then, as I have said, I have worked on anger management and assertiveness training. I will be working more on these things with my mental health professionals as time goes on.
SK, you know, I have been bullied a lot myself, in high school by classmates and as an adult multiple times in the workplace by someone above me. My dad, who is a psychiatrist, asked me one day "what do you think it is about you that makes you a target for these people?" It was a very good question.

I am a people pleaser type, I am very agreeable and am very "nice". I have been told by someone that I am far too nice. I wonder about this sometimes.

Those of us who are always very nice to others.... well, I think it exudes a certain type of vulnerability that bullies sense and also envy. I always wished I could be more of biotch and exude THAT quality more... but it is not in my DNA. Where I live, most women are biotches. They exude a standoffish -- don't come near me quality. I don't have that. I have a very approachable, friendly quality to me. I like people in general and am very nice to everyone I meet.

I think bullies, deep down, are envious of those they bully.

Perhaps you are a little like me --- I get the sense that you too, are a very nice, sweet and sincere person, to everyone you come across. This is a beautiful quality, but it may attract meanness from others.

The bottom line is that bullies are envious. In a very weird, twisted and screwed up way, it's flattery. You have something that they WANT and wish they could have. This is why people become mean, mainly.

So, you are a wonderful person! I, myself, am trying to learn in business at least how to not be such a people pleasing person, to assert myself more and my opinions. I am trying not to be the "yes' person and to have my say, even if it disagrees with my boss's opinion or another colleague's.

Your assertiveness training should help with this. Learning how to say "no", or how to offer a differing opinion and stand by it with confidence!

Bullies will always exist. It's how we manage it after the fact and what we think of ourselves after someone has been mean. Don't take it to heart. The weak always want to take down the strong. The mean people always wants to tear down the nice people.

You have a beautiful quality about you that is very special. Don't underestimate that.

I am not sure if this is helpful or not.... I am rambling... but sending many hugs ((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
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Old Nov 25, 2017, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
SK, you know, I have been bullied a lot myself, in high school by classmates ...((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
Yes, you are probably right. I am too nice. Way too nice! I put up with a lot before finally my fuse blows. By then I am ready to pounce on someone. Hence my putting myself into safe hands until that feeling passed.

Thanks for your thoughts, rambling or not, they are welcome!
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Old Nov 25, 2017, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
defending ones self. (Self-defense) is one thing, harming someone because one just gets fed up is another.
Agreed, that is why I put myself into a safe place, until the feeling passed, because deep down inside, I would never want to hurt someone. Thoughts are just that, only thoughts. I knew right away that it would be wrong. So that is when I cried out for help.
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Old Nov 25, 2017, 09:19 AM
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So.. the key is then learning how to be assertive, draw boundaries and lines and tell people where to get off when they cross our boundaries, like we've been talking about.
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Old Nov 25, 2017, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
Most definitely I do
example:

This summer I was group camping with a good number of my boyfriend's family. Present was a nephew of roughly 25 years. He obviously had problems (I suspect Aspergers or Autism). Everyone treated him horribly throughout the weekend; I could tell his father was agonising over it. Well, one night around the campfire they all got into the alcohol and the verbal jibes, jeers, and bullying became too much for me to bear. At one point the boy spoke up and pleaded with them to stop laughing at him, that they were hurting his feelings. Of course that was all they needed to pounce and go on an even more horrible attack. I could take no more and jumped up and royally told them all off.

Afterward the boy's father approached me crying and thankful. It seemed in his son's entire life no one had stood up for him. He hadn't been able to do so to his in-laws.
...
I have thought long and hard about this experience that you have shared and I think you did the right thing, even though there was fallout. Good for you! I applaud what you did.

I hope in the future that you can stay close to the boy and his father; the rest of the family are a bunch of numbskulls that really don't deserve a moment of your time!
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Old Nov 25, 2017, 12:57 PM
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Bullies will always exist. It's how we manage it after the fact and what we think of ourselves after someone has been mean. Don't take it to heart. The weak always want to take down the strong. The mean people always wants to tear down the nice people.
So true! I couldn't have said it better myself. Mean people always tear down nice people like us, that is why they want us to be miserable like them.

Unfortunately, I've seen many nice people become "mean" because being nice didn't work for them. They went from being nice, to being guarded, then to being mean like the bullies. But you're right ... a strong nice person will stay nice no matter what.

It's sad when so many people place great effort into being mean, but put no effort into being nice.
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Old Nov 26, 2017, 12:28 PM
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I’ve always taken up for people who can’t take up for themselves even back to kindergarten but particularly after I was bullied in middle school. There has been so many times I’ve forgotten many. I guess the biggest time was when I saw a woman punch her 8-10 year old in the face with a closed fist. I blocked her car in with mine and called the police (I was really scared!).

The most recent time was here when somebody was being terribly bullied and I reported one of the post and said I don’t think this is what the site stands for.

I have noticed there were times that my assistance did not help the situation and times I really wished someone had stood up for me.
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Old Nov 26, 2017, 01:46 PM
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SheilaKathy SheilaKathy is offline
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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
I’ve always taken up for people who can’t take up for themselves even back to kindergarten but particularly after I was bullied in middle school. There has been so many times I’ve forgotten many. I guess the biggest time was when I saw a woman punch her 8-10 year old in the face with a closed fist. I blocked her car in with mine and called the police (I was really scared!).

The most recent time was here when somebody was being terribly bullied and I reported one of the post and said I don’t think this is what the site stands for.

I have noticed there were times that my assistance did not help the situation and times I really wished someone had stood up for me.
I'm glad you stuck up for the child, how awful of that mother! Do you know if the child was taken into protective custody or something?

I know what you mean about nothing being done about it sometimes when we report things. Sometimes that has happened to me too, either when I reported that I was being bullied, or when I reported that others were. Sometimes the people in charge may have been bullies at some time in their past and identify with the bully, rather than the bullied. Shame, but it happens, sigh....
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Old Nov 26, 2017, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by SheilaKathy View Post
I'm glad you stuck up for the child, how awful of that mother! Do you know if the child was taken into protective custody or something?

I know what you mean about nothing being done about it sometimes when we report things. Sometimes that has happened to me too, either when I reported that I was being bullied, or when I reported that others were. Sometimes the people in charge may have been bullies at some time in their past and identify with the bully, rather than the bullied. Shame, but it happens, sigh....
I never knew what happened to that poor child. I gave a detailed statement and left the scene. I’ve always hoped he didn’t fall through the cracks.

True, sigh....
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