[littlep]

I have become someone I don't like. Since being depressed the last 12 years and being diagnosed as BP II and having borderline personality traits I don't know who I am. Of course my husband blames all our issues on me since I had my problems before we got married. The other day he said you haven't gotten any better you have only regressed. I realized what that meant because of the emotional abuse I can't feel any better. . I have become spiteful, I will hold myself back from interacting with his family, do things that I know he will not appreciate. I am such loving, caring affectionate person who is being stiffeled. I have not been able to control myself even in front of the kids, which breaks my heart, I call him horrible names as he does to me. Our frustration is hurting the children not physically emotionally. Many people find strength in playing with their children I am so drained that I don't have the energy it makes me so sad. Due to the marital issues my husband gets more frustrated with them. I admit I have faults I am a horrible housekeeper and lack the ability to do many household things decorate, paint etc. It is so painful to feel so useless. I hate who I have become and don't know how to deal with it all is it my "illness" is it my real personality? Who am I? Will someone put up with me and all my faults?
littlep

[gloria]

Gosh! There are some people here involved.

Would your husband agree to a marriage retreat? Those types of experiences help clear the "smoke" in a relationship and help many decide to either work harder at the marriage or cut the losses. Retreats are sort of an "eye opener".

About your children, they need to know how much they are loved (yours probably know it) but they also need to feel it! Maybe that is a common ground for you and husband. I am nobody to tell you what to do or how to handle your situation, but, you sure sound like you care a whole lot about them, so talk to your husband and see what you two can come up with to nurture your kiddos. Do what is best for you as a family.

And last, we are all beautiful people, with illnesses or without. Illnesses are just "added features" that don't take away the beauty.

gab

[littlep]

Gab,

I have looked into the marriage encounter retreats and because they are based on religion and I am not religious I feel that this aspect would take away from the experience. I don't know if there are others in my area.

As for the kids they know they are loved and do feel it most of the time. It just hurts me so bad to get mad at them due to my own frustration.

Thanks for the insight.

littlep

[gloria]

We did the marriage retreat and to my surprise, they were not religious at all!
I went to the one the Catholic Church organizes and it really didn't have any religious connotations. They did mass Sunday morning but it was optional to attend ( we didn't) but, other than that, there wasn't anything religious mentioned before or afterwords.

Also, how about marriage therapy. Do you think he'll go for that?

gab

[littlep]

Gab,

Interesting that the church one was not religious based. I looked up the information for Marriage Encouter it is well known, however, my understanding is it has religious tones. I will have to look further into retreats in my area. We went to marriage counseling, 4 sessions, and he walked out he felt our counselor was biased against men. We are suppose to go to another one.
thanks for the info
littlep

[goodfortune]

littlep

i know. i know--i know.

my husband and i are now separated after 10 years. the fights you describe, the emotional toll on your children, are similar to my own past experience. my husband is an undiagnosed boderline. i am bi-polar.

i experienced a lot of guilt. guilt about not being good enough as a mother and wife. but what happened for me, is my youngest started kindergarten, and my husband was away for a year in korea(military).

suddenly, i had all this time--for myself. i took an accounting. i realized, i am not a housewife. i started out being pretty neat. but i was KILLING myself to be what everyone else expected me to be. so i stopped. he came home from leave, and i said, do your own laundry. you didn't marry a washer woman. fight number one. i told him, i'm going back to school. fight number two. i told him, i'm done being your whipping girl, i'm done being the person you blame for everything that's wrong with your life. divorce.

i am not suggesting that the right path for you is divorce.

mothers run around trying to take care of everyone, and nobody, except other mothers, realize just HOW BIG the job is. in the case of my spouse, he was another kid. the job you do is HUGE. even if you are doing a half assed job--it's still big.

i learned to love myself first--not the kids, not the husband but ME. i tell my kids now, you better leave me alone for a couple of hours or the game you want to play, the pokemon cards you want me to get, the movie you want to see--it ain't gonna happen. what's wierd is--they can handle it when i tell them the truth. what they can't handle is lying or uncertainty.

so, from my experience, my suggestion to you, is to try and get away for a little while. by yourself--for yourself. i mean this is the nicest possible way, give to yourself, forget the kids--forget your husband. you need to put up with yourself and your faults. you are not an angel, you are not a devil, you are a regular human being that needs understanding, love, and someone to listen. regression or healthy or better has nothing to do with ANY of this.

oh, and since you are bipolar, depressed, and have BPD traits, i'm pretty sure your husband's wiring upstairs isn't all up to code.

[littlep]

Hi Goodfortune,
I can't remember what I actually said in my original post so sorry if I repeat myself.
It is all so overwhelming that life can be this bad. I have had the hardest time trying to understand myself and learning to love who I am. I have been in therapy for over 12 years and haven't grown much which is really scary and hurtful. My husband keeps saying he has the ability to be happy and I don't. I cry everyday wondering when will I be able to be happy. My whole family has the issue of lack of communication skills which is really putting a wrench in this issue. My husband and I just had the discussion last night that he will probably move out soon. I know things are not working between us. It is ripping my heart out to know that my low self esteem is making such an impact. I am very sensitive and get upset by anything negative my husband says. I want so hard to feel better about myself and have been told that I am fighting feeling better; I just want to die. On top of which I am not confident with my meds and am in search of a new doc. I am having such a lack of processing and organizing my thoughts.

You are right, I dont know how to do anything for myself I don't feel worthy. I actually need four more classes to finish my graduate degree; my husband is nagging me to finish, I don't have the energy to do it and he is frustrated that I am not following through with our plan. Another big issue is that I don't follow the plans we set out; it goes along with me not knowing what I want in life and changing my mind.

I have to find the strength to look within myself. This is something I have not been able to do. As you said I always feel guilty. I am not sure if divorce will make me be stronger. I am really concerned about the monetary issue.
Mothers need to stick together; we all know how precious our job is.
Thanks for listening

[littlep]

Hi Goodfortune,

I felt compelled to send another post. I am so confused about everything. I can not make a decision and when I do I change my mind every 2 minutes thereafter. I am so jealous/envious of other people that when I am at the town pool I scan each and every one of them and say to myself they are happy how come they can do it right, they are smiling and laughing I just want to cry. While doing this I am then taking my attention away from my children. I am disgusted with feeling like I have no self worth. I tell myself over and over that I do; the negative thoughts of you can not do anything right overcome that. Due to my negativity I have few friends. I have had friends who have actually told me they can't deal with me and my demands on a friendship because I am so needy. I am uncomfortable around others and it gives the impression that I am a ***** when that is the last thing I want to portray or that I am a needy person who doesn't now how to "operate" in life. I am always asking everybody else for their opinion.

Immaturity, which inflames many of my issues and as something you pointed out about your husband fuels me to be like a kid .
How does your BP affect you? Do you attend a support group? There is a support group DBSA - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance that is across the country dbsalliance.com.
How did you get on with the kids after the divorce? Did you work or have financial stability?

Interestingly enough you said that your husband had bpd undiagnosed. Did you diagnosis him with this? Something you said, that he blames all his problems in life on you. I am doing this myself to my husband and it is causing him to resent me.

Blah, Blah, Blah
I could go on and on