[Divaluscious]

Sooo ... I am chatting on MSN with a few IRL friends on Saturday daytime. One person in the conversation I did not really know apart from knowing 'who' he was. He is a fairly prominent local DJ and we know some of the same people (obviously).

We ended up the only two people left in the chat and talked for a while ummm sorta - flirty heh

Sunday night we have some bubbles and nibbles.

I know he has a kid by another girl, and well - he is somewhat prolific in the breeding area He has another ex gf about to have a baby.

What I didn't know (things happen for all sorts of different reasons) was that he is now back with the first child's mother.

Totally could have fooled me ...

I know it is wrong but I chatted to him for ages today at work (not supposed to be on MSN ooops).

And we had some really interesting conversations. He is definitely much different to my initial perceptions. Is not that happy with himself at the moment, we talked about some quite personal stuff.

I know I should not continue to talk to him because there are definitely sexual undertones and I don't want to hurt his partner.

Sigh.

Does anyone have any experience / advice?

I feel stupid.

[chaotic13]

DIva,
Sounds to me like you are playing with fire. Be careful!

[Divaluscious]

I know ... but another day of a really amazing conversation ... and more 'plans'.

a) To vent at each other again over more Bolly and nibbles soon

b) To go out with a mutual friend for cocktails next week.

Neither ... were my instigation.

Sigh ... I am just very confused.

[spal]

You know, you have to ask yourself if you want to be with a guy who cheats on his partner who has his baby. You are probably feeling lonely, it sounds like, but this guy is bad news. I would end the conversations and keep away. He may be charming, interesting etc. but he is not reliable. Why set yourself up for misery?

[GYPSYEYES]

RUN.....DIVA....RUN!!!!!

End it now.. before.. you get in Deeper.

goodluck to you.

[Divaluscious]

Yah I would probably tell someone else exactly the same thing.

Hehe.

[Perna]

What are you confused about? Don't hide behind "confusion"; either stay or leave but don't "play" with yourself, him, his other relationships, etc. It is not harmless, especially to yourself. I'm sure his other gf's are wondering what happened too (or they wouldn't be stuck with him and pregnant). Whether or not they wanted to be pregnant; do you want a sexual relationship with this guy or not? He doesn't in any way sound like he just wants to "chat" and do Bolly and nibbles.

[Divaluscious]

Well the last girl he got preggers ... they were very drunk, she got the morning after pill, and apparently wanted to keep partying, and threw it up.

So he is not the total ******* here?

I have not connected with someone in this way for a long time.

no, he sounds like mr responsibility.

doesn't he have more self respect than that or doesn't he care?

and as for his choice in partner...

WTF?????

maybe... (gently here) you might want to have a look at WHY you feel attracted to this guy given his history. i'm sure way he tells the story it is all their fault but it takes two to tango. and... i'd keep the hell away from him personally. i mean... if this is how he disrespects his present girlfriends then this is likely how he is going to disrespect you down the track.

[Divaluscious]

I dunno ... he is still sending me music (which is always a big deal to me ... especially when it is supposed to make me 'melt' ... yes I get mushy easily.

I don't know ... I am still confused.

you give him the power...
to %#@&#! you over like how he has %#@&#! over most women he has been involved with thus far...

how come?

you think you can change him?

you think that (very gently here) there is something appealling about changing him?

like that if he changes for you then you must be really very sexy and amazing indeed?????

guys like that don't change until they figure that they want to change. until they figure that since they are fourty or fifty and don't have any emotional connections and so on and so forth they better darned change or they are going to die lonely. that isn't a change that it prompted by their feelings for a particular person (even though that is the romantic storyline that many of us long to believe) they change because ultimatly something inside themself drives that change.

my motto is that you don't become involved with a person like that until they have made the change already.

how come? because people like that %#@&#! you over. they hurt you. i keep my emotional distance from people who are known to cheat and emotionally mess around because i realise that if someone is going to do that in order to emotionally connect with me... they will be messing me around in order to emotionally connect with others down the track.

have you heard of this idea that the pleasure is in the chase? while you seem ambivalent i'm sure you are appealling to him. once you give him your heart then you won't seem so appealling to him anymore (because he can rely on you as a solid base while he goes on his merry way).

music might be supposed to make you 'melt' but did you tell him this? (ie did you say this so that music has become understood as something that inspires you to fall in love dispite yourself? have you given him the key to your heart that easily?)

you are worth more. you are worth more than that.

DJ... not worth much when he is fourty kicking around with no emotional connections and when he starts losing his looks and when being a DJ starts to look juvanile...

you deserve better than that...

[Divaluscious]

I don't know.

All I know is I was having a melt down and he was there for me and listened and then we had fun hanging out.

I understand - leopards don't often change their spots.

Music is HIS passion - I love it, but not in the same way. It is beautiful (and I guess appealing!) to hear someone talk about their passion in that way. Although I guess most of my boyfriends and lovers have had some musical inclination, whether hiphop / mc ing or rock or other electronica.

Sigh ...

He is in hotel management for a day job ... he has smarts too ... he has been through a lot.

Thank you for your words and thoughts Alex, you have given me another perspective I need to consider.

xx

[keepitmoving]

You already know what to do, by coming in here and asking its clear. Separate your wants from your dignity. He's not worth it... definitely not right now.

[Divaluscious]

shrug. who says I am better than this anyway.

i am not looking for support or sympathy, i am just saying ... i am very imperfect ... if you have depression, or anything else ... you are imperfect... it doesn't mean that someone with other character, mind, body flaws is any better.

just sayin.

why, I say you are better than that :-) you deserve much much more. he might be supportive and sympathetic NOW (when he is having fun flirting with you and there there is a possibility that you guys might sleep together...) but i'm wondering how supportive and sympathetic he is likely to be to you down the track.

i mean... he isn't being supportive sympathetic or honest with his current girlfriend. he doesn't exactly have a track record of pulling through with sympathy and support when times get tough (e.g., when it comes to his child).

if you get a little depressed is he more likely to be there with you being sympathetic and supportive or is he more likely to be flirting with other women and seeing which of them he can get in the sack?

'cause that part... is about where the real emotional connection and imtimacy lie. it isn't just someone who shows an interest contingently on his having a crappy time with his girlfriend right now. it is about someone who makes a committment to be there supporting you through the good times and through the bad times.

of course sometimes people don't give so much of a %#@&#! about that. just want to feel a little better now (i really do understand that one). just want to have a little fun. i guess my only worry is how many people he is likely to hurt with this one... and i guess i'd keep away 'cause i don't need that kind of pain. in fact... that kind of pain (when he drops the emotional support ball with you) is something that is more likely to lead to an episode of depression than anything else.

it isn't about 'better than' it is more about looking out for yourself. it is about deserving more than the fleeting kind of emotional support which seems to be all he is willing/able to provide. 'cause you know (from his history) that when times get tough he ain't gonna be there for you. sounds like he doesn't know how to be... and that is all very sad and all but he needs to want to change for his own reasons and i really wouldn't go there...

[Divaluscious]

I guess ... he can be so sweet sometimes tho ... today he told me i worry too much ... sigh.

he has been an awesome outlet when i have been really down lately. i guess that is it. he knows more about my bad times than most people and he hasn't run away. in fact he says that is why he wants to know me, cos we have very little small talk ... it goes both ways ...

but alex you are very sensible and i know u are right in a lot of ways ... emotionally i still feel something for him ... stupid men

sure he can be sweet at times. he probably wouldn't have left such a train of descruction behind him if he wasn't... sure he has been an awesome outlet NOW but my concern is that his history shows it to be unlikely that he will be there for you when he meets someone else who is new and exciting to him.

you can of course feel something for him without being a slave to those feelings.

is this a kind of pattern that happens with your relationships? you find someone who is unsuitable, basically, but very very charming, so you get involved despite your 'better knowledge' and then things don't work out? and then... depression?

[Divaluscious]

I don't really know to be honest alex ... I have not really thought about it in that way...

This time he was just there at a time I was a bit screwed up (had had a horrid horrid week) and just that he listened to me and hung out and stuff was exactly what I needed. I do find him really really attractive however ...

Maybe he will get bored with me ... heh.

[GYPSYEYES]

just an idea...if your looking for someone who will listen to you.. a therapist might be a better choice....not someone who in the back of your mind.. "might get bored with you."

i think you know what is in your best interest in your head..but you need to find the strength and love of yourself..to walk away from what will be heartache.

goodluck

[Divaluscious]

I simply talked to him as a friend, and he to me.

Neither of us freaked out at some of the things that have happened in our pasts.

It just made me think we had a connection that was a little stronger than usual with a new acquaintance.

plus he is hot ... lol ...

sent me some nice text messages over the weekend ... gah.

> I simply talked to him as a friend, and he to me.

And yet you said that you found him 'hot' and that there was sexual tension.

I guess I wonder... If you had a life partner, then how would you feel if he were to have a relationship with another women the way that you are having a realationship with this guy?

[Divaluscious]

You can have both with a new person in your life ...

I don't know her, their relationship is none of my business, for all I know it could be 'open'.

[Juli]

Diva,

What you do is WALK AWAY immediately from this situation. Any man that would emotionally cheat is only taking step one in full on cheating. And YOU don't need to spend one moment of your precious time on that type guy.

Also, anyone will tell you that you are at STEP ONE of becoming the OW. Is that really what you want to do/be?

Go find a man that makes you number one.

Juli

[Divaluscious]

ya ... i guess you are right ... thanks