Should I be worried?

Hon, has he ever threatened to hurt you in any way?

He said if he wasn’t afraid of going to jail, he would do really bad things.

He has attachment/abandonment issues and said he would never let go of me.

He never hurt me in the past physically.

But he is a really on the edge person. I don’t know what he’s capable of. He goes off. I think he has paranoid schizophrenia.

Plus the way he called me every name under the sun. That kind of anger and hatred really scared me.

Some people do used canned green beans (doesn't taste as good but is cheaper). I have had it this way and only like it when the green beans are fresh....

I was exposed to cooking from scratch and classic novels at a very young age but I am a real nerd (a technologically challenged one verses my H's classic talented computer programming nerdinesss). I didn't know what a troll, ghost, catfish, or any of the acronyms besides lol meant until we started conversing. And I love your sense of humor and hope I have learned to see some of the same humor in things as you do. I also love what all of my family, friends and people at work have taught me through the years.

I never remember seeing my mother make a fresh vegetable. Even spinach was from a can. Was it her generation who thought canned was better?

When I was nursing babies, she thought it was barbaric and tried to undermine me. She wanted me to stop nursing and just give them formula.

We’ve only recently come to understand the nutritional value of fresh foods.

Yes, they were from the generation where there were no concerns about using canned goods and serving twinkies as a dessert. We ate a lot of meals at my grandmother's house. She grew up on a farm--was one of 10 children--each had a job--hers was to cook for everyone. My mother used formula too because they actually thought this was good for children. During her time, when she gave birth--they stuck her in a room all alone and no one visited until after the child was born. Sometimes modern is not better....

My mother was given drops that knocked her out and I was delivered while she was unconscious. They called the doctor who did this ‘painless Phil’. Who knows what harm that did.

My ex only asked that one thing trying to open the door. It blows my mind that man really loved me. Or so he says when presented with the opportunity.

And you only replied with "Happy Holidays"--very generic and have not "fed" him with any other responses. You ARE doing better this month/year.

Once upon a time, you took the time to get to know him (and vice versa) and he loves you for many of the same reasons your friends and family love you. It seems like broken hearts just happen sometimes when we are dating. When we are young, it is a time of exploration (we don't realize how consequential romantic relationships can be). You are married--he should understand why you don't reply and can no longer be his friend (because it is more than a friend feeling for him--you just can't feed this--it is unhealthy for him too!)

What I mean by this is you have empathy for people/are kind--you respond to him (perhaps got together with him in part?) because he needed you but he just wasn't right for you in part because of his mental illness. It is sad he has no one in his life but there is nothing you can do (I know you know this but perhaps just ruminate about it in part because you do wish things were better for him?)

There was a relationship with him 25 years ago. Looking back on it through my self-counseling, I wish I had taken pause and not have gotten intimately involved with him or his friend. It was a love triangle:
First I met his friend and we dated. Then the friend passed me off on to him, ‘I don’t want her, you take her’.
I went with him. We got engaged. No one in my family was supportive.
The friend kept trying to get me to cheat with him. I refused. Yet, he was in the picture to a degree.
Then I left him. He totally freaked out. It ended with a restraining order when he confronted me in the parking lot. He wasn’t really violent, just desperate to get me back.
I laid low.
He eventually left town. I heard this from the friend, who I then, later, after much cajoling, DATED AGAIN.
That started to get nearly real, but then he dumped me by standing me up and never calling me again.
I think his reason for doing this to me was some twisted reason having to do with this love triangle.
They are both sick guys. And I am a sick woman to have gotten sucked in to this.
And it goes on...

Honestly, I would have liked to have both of them! The two of them together would have made one really nice husband, lol.

The friend was close with me and my parents. He was a clever, conniving ‘Street rat’. I was crazy about him. My mom thought he loved me, but was terrified of having kids, so wouldn’t marry me. That’s why he passed me off on to his friend. So he could keep me in his life, and so his friend could give me love and babies.

I met my h one week after I was dumped by stand-up.

I only saw my h from the time we started dating.

Fast forward 25 years...

I am severely unhappily married. I reconnect with the ex to whom I was engaged. (Plus, I had reached out to the friend, too. But he never responded)

I get into a telephone relationship trying to become a real live in person one with the ex. Even after learning about such red flags that should have had me running, but I thought would be ok.

But, the long-distance relationship is never going to work. He lives in another state, doesn’t want to move to my state, and actually has the nerve to ask me to give up custody of my son to move in with him.

I end it with him, and take back my h. But, he won’t let go, starts harassing me calling me names. The h has to get on the phone and tell him to stop. Even that won’t stop it. The police get called again.

That’s why I worry he wants to kill me. Don’t you already just want to take me out? I can’t even stand my stupid self when I hear this shyt.

But, all that drama, didn’t seem that far out while it was all happening!

Maybe the all the drama taught you more about yourself, your H, and perhaps helped you have make some positive changes?

When I think about things that have happened to me in my life--I am always looking for the silver lining. I think you do this too....

Since he's afraid of jail, I don't think you have to worry about him trying to kill you. He also has never hurt you physically in the past. People can name call, harass and do everything under the sun to try to keep you in their life, but will not take things to the extreme level of physical harm. I think you can live without this fear. Use your reason and logic rather than allowing your fearful emotional side to take over.

He said I was cursed because I hurt him, and so I would never be happy. I told him he wasn’t the first I hurt, therefore was I already cursed before I hurt him?

And I was never happy, and still ain’t now.

I do feel cursed.

I couldn’t really connect and feel content with anyone.

I’ve accepted my inability to just have sex, make love, and feel satisfied and whole. It happens all the time now. I feel old and have let go of my sexuality. Not using it. Going to lose it.

My h just doesn’t work for me. Neither did the others. I turned off to them sexually when they loved me. That was the simple deal breaker. It wasn’t drugs, crime, even stupidity. I’d even have been able to handle psychosis and stayed safe if the sex stayed good.

What does your personal T say about all of this?

I think discussing this with a therapist, would be a good step. I loved a man who had abandonment issues. He self-sabotaged because he thought he was unlovable. He was wrong.

Why do you ask?

I did the right thing by not responding. Twice he has become abusive and harassing and didn’t quit until called by police. Lesson learned. That behavior was his problem. He kept trying to sext with me, which I won’t do.

I give people (mostly love interests) too much credit, always my problem. They are not as great as I want to think they are. If they don’t want me, I pine for them and idealize them in my mind. If they do want me, I devalue them, harping on their faults, and want to run away.

So I guess the underlying cause is I have an emotional disorder.

I just have to remind myself I am just an old married woman, who can’t even deal with sex with my h, and there’s nothing else for me.

Just shut up and deal.

I found this forum, like writing on a public toilet wall, venting my angst and anger, nobody gives a flying f.

And what is interesting is a look better than I ever have lately. Considering my age, I’m hot. My hair got long and gorgeous since I started coloring and trimming it myself! for the first time in my life, my boobs look great. I am a Ferrari only getting the dust wiped off me with a gentle cloth. I want to be opened up and tear down the highway! But I’m stuck in the showroom.

I wasn’t pretty enough for the ones who rejected me. My ego is so frail, I never stopped obsessing over it. Or it’s simply OCD/PTSD.

Whatever. More shyt written on a toilet stall wall.

For a good time call...

You sound so depressed...

I’m acting just fine with my family and friends. I’m learning how to keep it inside, vent here, and wear a good mask.

L- great friend!

And I’m also triggered by some other disappointment; my mood is affected by/contingent on something quite toxic. But it’s just another harmless drama, merely internalized by a simple woman. I’m just a dreamer.

I go off into fantasy, yet I don’t go alone...

My mind might ruminate, cycle, race thoughts more than others. I’m exhausted being me!

The moments I get where I can just relax are so great.

I’ll go take a bath or something.

I actually had a nice NYE for the first time in many years last night.

I am so glad to hear you had a nice NYE. I feel bad because I haven't been able to offer much support. I keep reading your threads but don't know what to say. I am really happy to hear you had a nice night. You deserve it.

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