[madandsad]

Due to lifelong depression I know I see things in a twisted way so here's the deal.We had our 25th. wedding anniversary recently,all my wife gave me was a card.We're not rich but we're not broke either,money could'nt be an excuse.A while back when I turned 50 she got me nothing,no card no cake no gift.I've always bought her nice gifts even when we were broke.My question is this,does she only want me here because of our grade school age daughter?Do other women not give gifts on special occasions?This and my birthday were very disappointing times that should have been celabrations.What do you all think.

[Raynaadi]

Hi and welcome to PC. Thats gotta be rough not getting anything from your wife. I'm not married but I'm in a committed relationship. My boyfriend just had his birthday and I'm flat broke, so I made him something. I don't know why your wife wouldn't have gotten anything....I'd suggest having an open communication about it. I know if I do something to dissapoint my boyfriend, I want to know so I can fix it. Maybe you could just say honey, it kind of hurt my feelings that you didn't get me anything for my birthday or our anniversary. See what she has to say. It might be a good time to talk things over. I've learned that my boyfriend and I have to have talks every so often, just so we both know where the other one is at in the relationship.

[Perna]

I guess I'd want to know if you've told your wife how much you enjoy getting gifts on your birthday and anniversary? Sometimes my husband and I (married September 23, 1989) don't even get each other cards. Often we talk about it and "agree" not to.

My husband isn't great with dates and remembering and I had a wonderful time when I planned our trip to Switzerland in 2005 during our anniversary date. I brought along a card in my suitcase and worked with the hotel that day that we were checking into (got a free miniature bottle of champagne :-) and loved the surprise and sweet bewilderment on my husband's face when he understood what I had done. We "share" everything so my gift was his surprise and pleasure at my gift rather than receiving anything he'd bought.

I find it is very hard to think of presents for adults since they can buy themselves anything they want. As a matter of fact, I sometimes "bargain" with my husband to get something I really want and have it "count" as a present for a future event :-) Other things I do is lay down a "pattern" so it is easy for my husband to follow. I have mandated I have to have a chocolate Easter bunny every Easter :-) so that gives him something he can "do" and is fun for both of us since I really enjoy it.

I'm very creative and love to think up unusual ways to surprise my husband though and often buy him "something" when I'm in the grocery store alone or running into the convenience store for milk and eggs! Often I will see something (small) that reminds me of him and I'll buy it on impulse. He likes Circus Peanuts (I can't stand them http://www.oldtimecandy.com/circus-peanuts.htm ) and they're often hard to find so when I do, I buy a little bag, things like that.

Tell your wife things you like and give her a list for your birthday and Christmas and potential ideas for your Honeymoon. I couldn't think of a Christmas present so bought the plane tickets (only) to Switzerland and a couple guidebooks and left the rest up to my husband to plan for, the next September! He had wanted to ride on the Glacier Express http://www.glacierexpress.ch/theglacierexpress.php and I knew that so I used "our" credit card and made non-refundable reservations!

That's another good thing; my husband is always supportive of what I do, is "on my side" and trusts my judgment and I know it. I was able to make the trip reservations knowing they would be fine and, no matter what, he would be appreciative. Does your wife feel "free" to buy things for you, to spend money for herself and for you?

[Hayseed]

I think there's always one partner that gives more than the other. . . my husband is a nice guy. . . we've been together 20 years, but I give him gifts for occasions and no reason much more then he does. His excuse is that he cannot please me. . . . and I can go get whatever I want. Now . . we both know that it doesn't mean the same thing. However, I have had to get use to this over the years. It may be that her side of the family never exchanged gifts that much. I'm almost certain that my husband's side of the family was that way. I agree with the other post, that you should sit down and have a conversation with your wife. She needs to know how important this is to you. It may not change anything. . . BUT IT MAY. You deserve to have your feelings known.
Best Wishes. . . Hayseed

[bebop]

I haven't been able to buy my husband anything for awhile now but I do try to at least let him know how much I love him. I would talk to her and ask why. keep the communication open.

[greenpunkergirl]

lol, women are sensitive creatures guided by emotion. If she isn't getting you something, maybe she is feeling like you two aren't what you used to be. Try talking to her. Ask if there is something wrong in the reletionship from her point of view. If she says yes, then do something to fix it. It is really nice to see a caring man on here though, and as being someone who deals with depression herself, it's not you who has the misguided veiw of the world, you just have your own perfectly fine view, no matter what society tells you.

((((((((((((hugs for everyone)))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

May I ask; how have other anniversaries been, did you do anything special for her? Have you stopped to think that maybe she was waiting for you to do something special? Most women expect the husband to think of something romantic, especially for the important anniversaries.

Do you do or get something special for her on her birthdays? Maybe you've set a pattern for yourself.

I agree that you need to talk to her about this.

PS What are you doing to alleviate your depression and to change your way of thinking?