[bpforever1]

I just met him the other day. We ate dinner the night we met. But, he drank two beers before dinner then at dinner drank three shots of hard liquor. I did not think anything about it. But, when we met he was sweating profusely saying it was hot here. He is from Michigan. He also confided in me that he had a DUI about ten years ago. I am not one to judge because I am from a dysfunctional family. He is really nice but when he left he took four beers with him which I bought for him to drink. He was supposed to stay with me for four days but left after one day because his father became sick and was hospitalized. This is true. He is with his father now taking care of him. Should I be worried? I don't know any alcoholics so he may be the first that I dated. He works at a full-time job as an engineer. However, after work he is always in a bar if I remember correctly. We have been chatting for two months. I don't know what to expect. He is so nice and may be battling alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to help? Or, should I let him battle his demons on his own? He is divorced and does not see his kids often. His ex-wife lives in the same town as he does but he has nothing to do with her. I am schizoaffective with bipolar disorder. I am not perfect either. But, I am wondering if I could help him or may be it is too late for anyone to help? Does anybody have any suggestions?

[Stuckintime]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

I just met him the other day. We ate dinner the night we met. But, he drank two beers before dinner then at dinner drank three shots of hard liquor. I did not think anything about it. But, when we met he was sweating profusely saying it was hot here. He is from Michigan. He also confided in me that he had a DUI about ten years ago. I am not one to judge because I am from a dysfunctional family. He is really nice but when he left he took four beers with him which I bought for him to drink. He was supposed to stay with me for four days but left after one day because his father became sick and was hospitalized. This is true. He is with his father now taking care of him. Should I be worried? I don't know any alcoholics so he may be the first that I dated. He works at a full-time job as an engineer. However, after work he is always in a bar if I remember correctly. We have been chatting for two months. I don't know what to expect. He is so nice and may be battling alcoholism. Is there anything I can do to help? Or, should I let him battle his demons on his own? He is divorced and does not see his kids often. His ex-wife lives in the same town as he does but he has nothing to do with her. I am schizoaffective with bipolar disorder. I am not perfect either. But, I am wondering if I could help him or may be it is too late for anyone to help? Does anybody have any suggestions?

It has been my experience through others and myself that you can't make someone quit drinking or even help them quit drinking unless they want to and ask for help

[Rose76]

Three shots of hard liquor, taken with dinner. Yes, this is a guy with a substantial alcohol problem. Yes, you should be worried. He's not "battling alcoholism;" he is succumbing to alcoholism. There will be a price for that. If you stay in a relationship with him, you too will pay a high price. That's how alcolholism works.

He may well be "really nice." All kinds of people engage in alcohol abuse. Unfortunately, those who do so chronically end up neglecting their responsibilities because of their involvement with liquor. He's already neglecting his relationship with his kids. If he doesn't prioritize his own children, he's not going to prioritize you. This will hurt you, and it's inevitable. His wife probably had some good reasons for ending her marriage.

You can't help someone else reach a goal that they haven't selected for themselves. I am with a man who drank heavily for the first 12 years of our relationship. We are both still paying for that, although he has not been drunk for twenty years. I don't recommend taking on this burden.

[FallDuskTrain]

I second every word Rose76 says as I experienced it first hand.
My father was alcoholic and went through the dark voyage described by Rose76. His drinking made his depression worse and the worse he got the more he drank.
Also, please consider this: people usually act their best behavior on the first date. Yet he drank a substantial amount of alcohol. He doesn’t display much sense of self control.
Please listen to your intuition.

[seesaw]

I don't think the amount of liquor he had on your date is a sign in and of itself. There was a time in my life when I had two cocktails, doubles, with dinner every night...I was much younger and a bit of a partier, but I also stopped at a certain point and knew not to drive after drinking...I always had a sober ride lined up. I never drank more than my limit, so maybe he has a high tolerance? I think the question with an alcoholic is, does he need the alcohol to function? Can he leave a drink behind? Or an unfinished beer behind? Can he have just one drink or does he always need to get drunk (or buzzed)?

The DUI is a red flag, even if it was 10 years ago. Also the fact that he took the beers with him, that he may have been drinking BEFORE your first date, in addition to during it, and that he spends so much time in bars. I wouldn't call someone an alcoholic just because they have a beer after work every day, but what you're describing does seem to go well beyond that.

Run, don't walk, away from him. With your disorders, you don't also need to be dealing with someone with alcoholism. I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve love and compassion, but he is in no shape to be engaging in a healthy relationship right now.

You can't fix him. Alcoholics and addicts have to hit bottom before they can choose on their own to make change. And the pain of staying the same has to be greater than the pain of changing for them to make that change.

I think, if you were to continue with this, you would find that he's emotionally unavailable, and you'd end up being very hurt, because you would emotionally invest in him and get nothing in return.

I repeat, run, don't walk, away.

Seesaw

[IttyBit]

Red flags are waving.

Dump him.

[bpforever1]

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I realize he has a problem. I have been talking to him for two months and find him to be a good listener and sincere. The least I can do for him is to remain friends with him and listen to his problems if he wants to confide in me too. I know he probably is spending too much money on alcohol because he said he does not have much money and could save money if he did not spend it on alcohol. He has been honest with me. I will probably not visit him in Michigan because I can't afford it and don't think I could handle his alcohol problem. I have many problems myself. I am all alone in this world and have no friends. Weirdly, he has been the only one who takes the time to listen to my problems. I give him credit with his alcoholism that he still takes his time to respond to me. He must have a high alcohol tolerance and may be a high-functioning alcoholic. I don't know for sure. However, he only hangs out with his drinking buddies after work and has no other sober friends I have realized. He tried to get me to drink and I drank one glass of red wine and was about to black out and told him, I will not drink anymore. I thought I could handle one glass of red wine but due to my medication, I was not able to handle it and blacked out almost but drank really strong caffeine which helped alot. I don't know what is so great about alcohol but he has a disease and a weakness with it. I like him as a person and feel if he needs help and wants to confide in me about wanting help, I will try to help him. I know it is not my business to help him since he has not asked for help yet. However, he has been really nice, sincere, and honest with me. I respect these qualities and am not exactly happy that he feels comfortable to be himself with me, but realize he trusts me and probably really likes me. I cannot just dump him as a person who cares about him as a friend. I am wondering if he has any true friends who don't drink. He probably does not. I will be there just in case he wants to quit but not get romantically involved with him. I really appreciate all of your comments. I feel as if people feel the same about me that since I am mentally ill and have been homeless that people would dump me because of my history. Thus, I am not going to do this to him. Yes, I could run away from him and it would be one less problem for me. However, you would not believe the jerks I have met who are married, lie about their situations, and have no interest in me as a person. I can't say I am in love with this man. But, I can say he has a heart, is honest, and is a really good person as far as I can tell. I find it sad that he has an addiction but can tolerate it and would like to be there to help once he decides he needs help. He is still paying his ex-wife financial support. He does see his kids occasionally. So, he is being responsible albeit his addiction. I give him credit. He is not the devil and not an angel. He has a weakness like I have a mental illness. I will do my best to help myself first, of course. And, when he needs help one day, I hope he can find the help and find someone to help him whether it be me or his family. Thank you again!! Happy New Year!

[bpforever1]

So, he is going home to America tomorrow and we are meeting for lunch at the airport. His father who lives here is recovering from surgery and is doing ok he says. I believe he is telling me the truth about his father. I don't know for sure though. I'm not going to confront him about his drinking and will wish him well and good bye for now. I watched a documentary about alcoholism and realize when he seeks help, he may turn to people he can trust. I feel sad about this whole situation but am happy he wants to meet before he goes home. I as I said expected nothing but hope for the best. I will continue to talk with him as usual and see if he will open up about his drinking. He seems to be open about his drinking to me so I am hoping he will seek help one day and become sober. In the meanwhile, I need to survive myself and take care of myself. I was wondering the reason he was so nice to me but realize he could be as lonely as I am. We all need to be loved and cared for. He may on the surface be holding in his problems and drinking them away with alcohol. I will always remember these past two months as special and not forget about him. I will keep in the back of my mind though he has a problem and may need help one day. I will try to be there for him. At least, when we meet tomorrow, I will not bring up his drinking and just enjoy his company. I will try to comfort him and show him true kindness. That is all I wanted also. I want to be loved and cared for. I will remain strong as long as I can. I also hope I can be of true help one day for him. I will write him and tell him this.

hi bp, you sound like you have a really good handle on things.

If this has been a long-term problem of his, it may be ongoing for some time before he truly seeks help. Many alcoholics don't want to quit and don't want to seek help to quit. He may be happy as things are right now. I guess what I am saying is because he has not admitted the problem to you or shown that he wants help, I wouldn't expect this to happen tomorrow or in the immediate future. It could be some time before he takes that step. Just saying. However, it is really nice and caring of you to be friends and support him if and when he does seek help. And I am glad you are seeing that this would be problematic for you romantically. Alcoholism is a very problematic disease and a very serious issue to contend with. (((((Hugs))))))))

[Rose76]

He'll definitely need help in the future. It may not be to stop drinking. Over time, his drinking will have consequences and problems will compound. Eventually those problems will overwhelm his coping capacity. What gets very frustrating for those who love an alcoholic is that they tend to want help with the consequences of drinking, but they want to keep drinking. I've been there.

Even if and when an alcoholic stops drinking, he will still have consequences to the years of drinking that abstinence can't relieve him of. Heavy drinkers often aren't saving for future needs. Adult children of alcoholics tend to be stand-offish to the drinker, even if he becomes an ex-drinker. I'm dealing with that now. My guy is older and in poor health. I care for him pretty much alone. His kids wish him well, but they aren't going to go out of their way much for him because they remember when he made drinking a higher priority than he made them.

How do you see things playing out, if you eventually meet a man you do want to be with romantically? What will you do about this current friendship? Be careful of setting precedents that will give him expectations in the future that you may not want to fulfill.

Ahh-ooo-ga goes the klaxon alarm.

I realise it is early on but you need to consider where you will stand in the scheme of things should you pursue a relationship. The most common situation? That is to become a co-dependent. In my opinion this is a form of emotional abuse. Should he prove to have a drinking problem (which this rings true to me) you will not be the priority.

Consider this, if he had this many drinks on an occasion that normally would have a person on their best behaviour then imagine what kind of drinking happens when they are not trying to impress.

Yep, those alarms and bells are going off.

[divine1966]

I lived with high functioning alcoholic. No thanks. YOU bought him FOUR beers? On the first date he wants a woman to supply him with alcohol? He is an engineer from the US but has no money? Yeah, you might be better off.

Plus no one flies from Michigan to Japan to meet a woman for one dinner and then lunch at airport. Even millionaire wouldn’t. He likely went to Japan to visit his dad and combined it with seeing you (and enjoying free beer you bought). Or he was doing whatever other things in Japan all those days when he wasn’t seeing you. Honestly I’d not go to airport to meet him for lunch if I was you. I’d look for local men

[adj92]

Have you tried to talk to him about it? My husband is an alcoholic, and its very easy to tell i met him 6 years ago and he was always drinking we are working on our sobriety know because I expressed my worries and he understood where I was coming from. I am also an alcoholic, and I know that its hard to live with one but just communicate your worries

[~Christina]

I would stop communicating.

Sorry I don’t understand who lives in what county but Divine made a good point.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would stop communicating.

Sorry I don’t understand who lives in what county but Divine made a good point.

She lives in Japan and he is in the US. His father is sick and lives where OP is at.

I fly overseas annually. While there I might do additional travel in neighbour countries, I also see friends that live near location of my family. I might see them the way this guy saw BP, dinner and then maybe lunch when he is free from family obligations. I don’t fly there to see them for just one dinner. But it is the only time I might have for them.

It also could be that he was in Japan on business. Engineers from Michigan, very common to fly to japan on business. People do it all the time. He maybe ordered ton of alcohol because company pays for it. My ex flew to Japan on business, company covered alcohol at dinner time. Everyone drank because it was free. He was likely sweating due to jet lag. It’s a horrible feeling with long flight and time difference.

No way no how any man on this planet flew from Michigan to Japan just to meet a woman for dinner and lunch after talked to online for two months. Nope.

[~Christina]

Thanks for filling in the blanks Divine

OP ... I’m stop talking to him

[divine1966]

Yup. Be done with him

[bpforever1]

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I have another question about immigration and permanent residence in USA. I am US citizen. He said he has permanent residence in USA but needs to renew his visa every few years. I thought permanent residence means one can stay in the USA permanently after receiving permanent residence. Since he has a DUI, may be he is looking for a US citizen to sponsor his visa, I am not sure. So, my question is does permanent residence in the USA mean actually you have to continue renewing every few years? If this is true, I'm befuddled for the reason it is called permanent residence in the USA if one has to renew to remain permanent. In Japan, once one receives permanent residence one does not have to renew. So, does anybody know about immigration laws in the USA? If he is lying to me about his visa, I will definitely dump him.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I have another question about immigration and permanent residence in USA. I am US citizen. He said he has permanent residence in USA but needs to renew his visa every few years. I thought permanent residence means one can stay in the USA permanently after receiving permanent residence. Since he has a DUI, may be he is looking for a US citizen to sponsor his visa, I am not sure. So, my question is does permanent residence in the USA mean actually you have to continue renewing every few years? If this is true, I'm befuddled for the reason it is called permanent residence in the USA if one has to renew to remain permanent. In Japan, once one receives permanent residence one does not have to renew. So, does anybody know about immigration laws in the USA? If he is lying to me about his visa, I will definitely dump him.

No, he does not need to renew if he is a permanent resident; however, he may be required to report to the immigration office if he in fact has some sort of record (criminal or misdemeanor.) Otherwise he never would need to communicate with the immigration office unless he wants to become a US citizen. Although, the US immigration laws have been changing quite a bit so things may be different.

[bpforever1]

It seems the green card is only good for ten years in the USA. hmmm, I am beginning to see the whole picture. I think he believes I will return to the USA for some reason. Thank you again for your comments!

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

It seems the green card is only good for ten years in the USA. hmmm, I am beginning to see the whole picture. I think he believes I will return to the USA for some reason. Thank you again for your comments!

I am glad that you are able to see the red flags.
Pleas be prepared: if you are planning on confronting him about his drinking and/or other stuff, he will say anything in his power to convince you otherwise. Please stay strong. Nice and kind people also have ulterior motives.

[Squaw]

Hi bp! I fooled around and fell in love with an alcoholic; it's no life for either person, believe me..I have been treated worse than most animals! Please love yourself enough to "see" the whole picture. My heart still hurts after leaving my guy, but it's something I had to do after he got violent..I suffer from PTSD so alcohol and violence in any form triggers this problem for me..I have become healthier since I stopped seeing him like I used to. We will probably always remain friends, just nothing like before. He has caused me to mistrust him..Take care above all else...I know it's hard to do.

[bpforever1]

I let him go. But, I gave him information about AA meetings near his apartment and online AA meetings. He admits he has a drinking problem. Also, he wants to cut down but not quit. I met him for lunch today and he drank four big bottles of strong beer and two draft beers. I was like here we go again. I wanted to thank him for being nice to me. We ate a big lunch and he spent over 150 dollars on alcohol and food with me. He paid for it all. I think he has a nice side to him. But, he told me his ex-wife also brought up his drinking as an issue for divorce. I feel bad for him. I told him if he ever wants to quit to contact his doctor ASAP and go into rehab. I told him not to quit on his own because it is hard. Also, I told him if he thinks he is drinking to feel normal or to feel better, he needs help ASAP. I did my best to inform him and to tell him his drinking is not healthy. Well, I feel a whole lot better that I tried to steer him in the right direction before letting him go. I don't feel good about it still but at least he has information about getting help and quitting. Case closed for now. Thank you so much!! Happy New Year!!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

It seems the green card is only good for ten years in the USA. hmmm, I am beginning to see the whole picture. I think he believes I will return to the USA for some reason. Thank you again for your comments!

No your permanent residence status doesn’t expire. Your actual green card expires in 10 years, which means you just have to renew it. Your driver license also has expiration date so does your credit card but it doesn’t mean you can’t drive or use your card, it just means he needs a new card.

He likely has work visa and it expires. There are many foreign engineers living here with work visas. Those do expire. If he says his status expires, he has no permanent status

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I have another question about immigration and permanent residence in USA. I am US citizen. He said he has permanent residence in USA but needs to renew his visa every few years. I thought permanent residence means one can stay in the USA permanently after receiving permanent residence. Since he has a DUI, may be he is looking for a US citizen to sponsor his visa, I am not sure. So, my question is does permanent residence in the USA mean actually you have to continue renewing every few years? If this is true, I'm befuddled for the reason it is called permanent residence in the USA if one has to renew to remain permanent. In Japan, once one receives permanent residence one does not have to renew. So, does anybody know about immigration laws in the USA? If he is lying to me about his visa, I will definitely dump him.

Yes he is lying. Yes I know immigration law due to be being immigrant myself and knowing ton of foreigners living in the US

He doesn’t have permanent residence.

He has work visa as a foreign engineer. That’s why he has to renew it every few years. He doesn’t have permanent residence status as that doesn’t need to be renewed at all. You actual green card as a piece of plastic that needs to be renewed every 10 years. Your status is permanent.

If he renews something every few years, it’s not permanent residence.