New Relationship Concerns

I have to say: I was hoping that when I asked about the dating site, that he would have told me that he's not replying to other people anymore. I figured he would have been happy enough with just me thus far. I haven't been responding to people in weeks. But for him, he says it's too tempting and too easy. Well, that's also another flag. So I am wondering: does he like the attention? Am I not enough for him? He's told me how amazing things have been with me and how he feels so connected to me. He may not be ready for a real relationship.

Right now I am having a lot of doubts. I am not ready to pull the plug (I am thinking about it), and I am sitting with my doubts, processing them.

I feel very conflicted because I have enjoyed my time with him IMMENSELY. I have never had so much fun with someone, and I've never met someone who shares my greatest passion (music) in this way. OOPS. Ok, once I did, but that was in my 20's, over 20 years ago!

But I know that a relationship has many different parts and having fun together is not all of it. There has to be other aspects to compatibility. GRRR. I am frustrated.

“It’s too tempting and too easy”, was a moronic thing for him to say to you. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, huh? Errrr... I’d think he thinks of you as too easy, too. Sorry.

Thanks, Tisha. I am not sure if it can be concluded that he thinks I am too easy... ? I am not sure about that. It is clearly tempting for him to still fish around online.

He could come back to me and tell me he wants to take our profiles down and give this a real shot. Very possible, but right now I don't know.

But, you are on the fence about how you feel about him, too!

“Too tempting and too easy” would have gotten him a piece of my mind, for sure. Too soon for a first fight?

I would want a guy to stop looking and talking to women on a dating site because he is just so into me that other women are of no interest. I wouldn’t want him to stop looking for other women because I asked him to. Wrong reason to stop.

I’d have hard time accepting that I rolled out of his bed after passionate night and went home all excited about him while he went online and chatted with other ladies, not good. “Tempting and easy”, what a weird thing to say. I guess when he cheats, his excuse would be “it was too easy”? Does he always do things because they are just easy? I’d be concerned that he got involved with me quick because it was easy?

Yep -- I am now on the fence. Too soon for a first fight.

Divine, yes, that's what I had hoped for -- that he would do this on his own initiative. The way I posed it to him was I gave him two options -- one to take our profiles down and be exclusive -- or two, that we both continue to explore our options but I won't sleep with him or spend the night. I said either way was fine.

And I agree with you -- it is deflating for me to think he was online after a passionate night together.

Perhaps this all adds up to him not being ready for a real relationship yet.

When you seeing him next time? Or are you still debating? And what was his response to options you suggested?

We're totally up in the air right now about our relationship. We both need to think about things after our conversation yesterday and make a decision. He is supposed to let me know what he wants to do (about taking our profiles down and being exclusive or not), and then I am supposed to decide what I want to do. So right now, we have no plans to see each other until this is decided.

He also just received my Christmas present in the mail. I haven't gotten it yet from him.

Are you Eastern Orthodox? Getting Christmas gifts now.

Nope! I am just remarking about the fact that this is the second relationship on the precipice of breaking up just before a gift was supposed to be given. Same happened with my bday present with my ex. I never got the gift because we broke up.

One one hand, you could admire his honesty with what he said. But on the other hand, what kind of imbecile would tell the woman he is dating for 6 weeks and having sex with, that the website, where he met her, is too tempting and too easy?

You are just getting to know him, and just that comment tells you he ain’t that smart.

True enough! Although I would rather he be as open and as honest with me as possible rather than hide the fact or lie.

You saw each other for New Year Eve activities. Why weren’t gifts exchanged then? Seems a bit strange as this is two full weeks after Christmas (even parcels from overseas don’t take that long) and he just now got his and you never got yours? If he had a gift for you he’d give it to you when you were together at New Years. He likely didn’t plan a gift. Honestly if I was not exclusive I’d not be giving gifts.

I always think of James Bond and how silly it would be. Imagine James Bond saying that! Lol

We both bought a gift without talking about whether we would or not. I wanted to and he wanted to. I didn't get mine because his was mailed from China. I gave him mine on NYE. His is just late.

I have to say I thought the same thing: he isn’t too bright

HA!

Yeah.... maybe not! Still, I am glad he was honest and just said what he thinks.

Oh I see. Makes sense

I guess this all comes down to what you want. If you really want exclusivity then he doesn't sound right for you, he wouldn't dither if exclusivity was what he really wanted.

It's weird but just had an acquaintance irl go through something similar with a guy she thought she was going out with (also met through dating agency, also single dad) he suddenly told her they weren't going out only seeing each other (I have no idea what the difference is, seems like semantics to me). She was actually pretty emotionally invested in him and he was not.

I guess if your okay with that then that's fine. Idk I just get the gist you might be looking for more? In which case I'm sure there's someone more suitable for you out there who would jump at the chance to be exclusively yours.

TY, Sprout, for your input!

I do want more. I think I am leaning towards cutting it off if he doesn't want exclusivity. I don't see the point of continuing. And it's actually been seven weeks so far, not six, so that's plenty of time for him to decide how into me he is.

Just curious, did he lose a lot if weight after his divorce? Maybe he just can't believe what he looks like now if that's the case. (The opposite of Divine's trying to figure out where the holiday weight settled on the body) i know for me, after losing tons (an unhealthy amount) of weight, it was amazing to see myself thinner than I already was.....though I wouldnt stand there that length of time, it was just a wow look & it was nice to see cloths look good on me for the first time.

How would I address something like that? I would probably just ask....something like " have you always admired yourself in the mirror like that?" Just let him respond. Maybe he isnt admiring himself....at least that way you could get his thoughts about it & he can see how it's coming across to you. That way there are no assumptions going on between the 2 of you.

Yes, his feelings about the kids part of his life is normal after a divorce & will always be a part of his life during the holidays.

As for texting, my daughter does that to my texts all the time. When I text thoughts she has no idea how to respond to I dont expect a response. Only response I expect is to a direct question about her, not musing questions either like "where did your Dad's mortgage money go to if he JUST FORGOT to make the payments for a year?" She doesnt owe me a response & mostly it is just me telling her something I felt she needed to know or questions she might want to just THINK about....but I dont need or want her response to them. What she thinks is her own personal thing. Though I agree, we usually can get to know someone better if they do respond as it gives us better insight into what they are really thinking about what we wrote. However as you saw with your ex, he replied to everything but was sly enough to reply with what he knew you wanted to hear, not with what was REALLY going on with him. Which is worse, hearing a lie or hearing nothing? At least your new guy responds to your questions just not all your comments....that is actually NORMAL too. I may not respond to a texted comment but I always acknowledge I read it sometimes with a thumbs up when I do read it. Probably part of my communications programming training as every communications transmission responds technically with an acknowledge that the system has received it. Just something I do to let people know I have read what they sent without actually responding with words.

I honestly think you went abound this relationship all wrong. Sleeping with him right off the bat isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you want a long lasting relationship, it's always a good bet to not give it all away up front like that. It makes you seem uninterested in anything other than just having a good romp between the sheets.

Also, why buy him a gift if you aren't exclusive? Makes no sense to me.

I think you now know better for the next time you meet a guy. A little older, little wiser, eh?

TY for your input.

At this point, I am not even sure whether we will continue.

The mirror thing in addition to him still being online indicates to me he is looking for ego stroking/attention. It is a huge turnoff. I may be wrong, but I could be right too.

The texting -- I prefer at least an acknowledgement of my text. I feel ignored, and that never feels good to me. Like you said, a thumbs up would be better than nothing at all for me.