[anglemeasurer]

I am here because I have recently broken up with a boyfriend of 3 years , 3 years of a great relationship and I cannot seem to get on with my life. Crying every day, sometimes many times a day. Seems to have got worse over the last week. I have so many questions going over and over in my head despite the general missing him like crazy. I hate that he has become a stranger to me after either seeing him or speaking to him every day for 3 years.

The last couple of nights I have been literally physically belly crying not wanting to go to bed as when I go to bed I will be on my own ( have been for 54 nights now) and I will then have to wake up in the morning and face this whole thing on another day. This feeling is worrying me.

He ended it as I went around to talk about moving in together and wanting to know if it will ever happen in the future. He doesnt want to live with anyone. Ever. He is very independent. I get that. Obviously I would like to live together.

He then took this as " we want different things, you want this- I am not prepared to do it so we should call it a day"

Thing is he made this decision and won’t go back on it despite the fact that I still want to be with him.

He sees it that it is a very important thing to me.

Not that important that I would not be with him if I cannot have it.

He is the most important factor.

He has said there is no chance for us and it is over and I should dispose of his house key ( I used to come and go as I pleased at his house and stayed there half the time when my children were at their dads).

It hurts like crazy when what we otherwise a fabulous relationship full of laughter and love is now over.
I know when he told his mum and dad that we were over, they then said they were very sorry as they really liked me and then he said "So do I ".

What now??

My heart and head are screwed.
I have had no contact with him since 30th November.
It ended on 14th November.

I want to go and see him to get answers - it ended by text message, I then called him as he had said he was going to be busy that evening ( he was ) so I needed to ry and arrange a time to talk to him about it. His mind was made up, he was not in a great mood and so everything has been done without any face to face contact. His mind was made up

If I text him he has an opportunity to say he doesn’t want to see me and I will feel worse
I want to go and see him to reduce his opportunity to say no but I am too scared to go around. I used to go around there all the time.It hurts that I feel so scared to do it.
He truly was the love of my life

I am 45 he is 48.
He has had very few relationships. Is very independent, I am his longest relationship by quite a long time.

He works as a truck driver and plays cricket and I worked around that without making any demands on his time.
I love him so very very much
We had 6 fabulous holidays together over the last 3 years One was in the in the south of france in October in fact, we had such a wonderful time it truly breaks my heart.


I know you don’t have answers as such, but how can I stop my head from constantly thinking about it despite me trying to keep busy. I think of him and I just start crying.
I am losing the will to do anything.

HELP!!!!

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I was in a similar situation, it had been about 1 and half years, and I started questioning whether we would ever be able to live together. At one point he said no, another time he dumped me but changed his mind the next day. He always said he loves me and I believe it.

But there comes a time when you start thinking about your own future, I understand you. I want to eventually live with my boyfriend. It took honest communication with him to get him to decide whether he can accept me as I am, and my own thoughts on things I can't tolerate from him.

I don't know what to say without it maybe feeling more hurtful to you, and I don't want you to feel that. But as much as it hurts, he told you that it won't happen. You wont be happy in the long run if you are constantly running back and forth from your home to his. He is SO independent he is giving up someone who I'm guessing has said he loves, for 3 years. How deeply do you think his love went if he chooses his own desires, over consideration for what you would like from him? To me it looks like he is selfish and not considerate. I would be heartbroken, it would take a long time to get over. But I don't see a choice for you, you say he won't change his mind. I'm sorry.

You are doing what you can, staying busy, but you must allow the grief to surface. Do you have girlfriends you can go out with? Also, focus on your children and their needs, that should help.

Hi there,

I feel your pain, and I am so sorry you are hurting like this. (((((Hugs))))))

A breakup over text though? Where is the respect and the dignity in that kind of breakup? A three year relationship deserves an in person conversation.

I would try to have the in person conversation somehow. These questions will haunt you until you do, I do believe. If you really want him without living together and are willing to accept that for the remainder of the relationship (however long that is), then I would think it would be worthwhile to have another conversation about this.

However, he may stick to his guns about it, in which case, it is something else and he's using that as an excuse.

Were there any other signs of him wanting to be apart? Any issues in the relationship?

Can you call him instead and tell him that you have questions and need answers and you plan on stopping by and when is a good time to do so? If he ignores you, you have your answer.

It will hurt, yes, and letting go of a true love is very hard. Over two months ago, I had to break up with my fiance of one year and it was very hard and very painful. But it gets better and easier over time, though it does take time, as said above.

Keep us posted. In the meantime, try to take good care of yourself. (((((((More hugs))))))))

[TishaBuv]

I’m sorry you are hurting. It was just New Year’s which makes it worse.

The fact that he said he does not want to live with anyone, ever. Is all that you need to know this relationship will never materialize into what you want. It’s over.

Walk away and find someone else who wants a commitment.

[Bill3]

[anglemeasurer]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’m sorry you are hurting. It was just New Year’s which makes it worse.

The fact that he said he does not want to live with anyone, ever. Is all that you need to know this relationship will never materialize into what you want. It’s over.

Walk away and find someone else who wants a commitment.

It happened just over a week before my birthday in November so I had that to deal with, then Christmas which was hell and then New Years.

Why cant we continue with what we had - given I want that and he was happy with that??? I have hardly had any contact with him since he decided to call it day based on " we want different things" and it absolutely killing me. I feel like i may as well have cheated on him - i never did anything to hurt him or him me ( apart from this now........)
All I see is a person that is scared shitless ( excuse language) of committing himself financially with another person. He committed to me emotionally and exclusively for the last 3 years there was no doubt about that.

Sat here with tears rolling down my face right now and one huge pain in my heart and stomach. I hate this............

[Bill3]

I’m so sorry for your immense pain.

[TishaBuv]

When people tell you who they are and what they want, they tell you.

You wanted what anyone would want, but he won’t give it to you. Your suspicions for his motives are probably accurate.

Someone who loved you for three years then just cuts you off is kind of a blood sucker, a user.

Was he leading you on or telling you the inevitable but you didn’t want to believe he’d really do it?

[anglemeasurer]

It is because I brought it up. He thinks that it is very important to me else I would not have brought it up. He thinks I will bring it up again but I said I wouldn't. He is scared. I wish i could talk to him. I probably could as he hasn't said to never contact him. However I am too scared to go and see him. I feel he is a stranger now. That in itself hurts like crazy as we truly were emotionally and physically close. I want to tell him how I feel but I know it will push him away. I wish i understood why I am.so so hurt even after nearly 8 weeks. I have two kids asleep.upstairs and I am not being much of a mum to them.....my head is literally screwed and I don't know where to turn to make it better. I feel mentally ill :-( :-(

[it'sgrowtime]

It’s like he wanted all the rewards of a relationship but not the work that goes into any committed relationship.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this loss of him, but it’s true your kids need you.
Try not to beat yourself up for wanting more with him, or asking more of him. This relationship was going to end eventually, no matter what (my opinion). He’s “great” on a superficial level. I can’t understand his insides, but he has all the power. Don’t let him take your power. It was a lovely arrangement it seems, but it was on his terms.
You deserve commitment.

[TishaBuv]

Did he break up with you right before your birthday and Christmas, so he didn’t have to buy you a present? Is he so protective of his money that was his motivator to end the relationship with you? This is a person so cheap his soul is bankrupt. You’re better off finding someone new. What do you want a cheapskate for who cruelly broke up with you right before your birthday?

Originally Posted by anglemeasurer

It is because I brought it up. He thinks that it is very important to me else I would not have brought it up. He thinks I will bring it up again but I said I wouldn't. He is scared. I wish i could talk to him. I probably could as he hasn't said to never contact him. However I am too scared to go and see him. I feel he is a stranger now. That in itself hurts like crazy as we truly were emotionally and physically close. I want to tell him how I feel but I know it will push him away. I wish i understood why I am.so so hurt even after nearly 8 weeks. I have two kids asleep.upstairs and I am not being much of a mum to them.....my head is literally screwed and I don't know where to turn to make it better. I feel mentally ill :-( :-(

If you've told him you won't bring it up again, and he believes you will anyways, there seems to be not much you can do here. Seems he's made up his mind. Perhaps he has other reasons that he has not revealed. If he is inexperienced and very independent, he may be afraid of a relationship altogether. Although three years is a long time to carry on.

I know it hurts immensely. It will take a long time to get past. Thing is, you were willing to sacrifice what you really wanted with this man. Is that truly what you want for yourself in the future? To never be able to live with the man you love so much? You have to think about this. Do you want marriage in your life? Kids? These are things to think about. If you are OK with never living together, that's one thing, but if deep down, you know or think that eventually you will want more of a commitment and a closer relationship with someone, then it is best that you let go of this man. He is not the one for you.

[eskielover]

If you brought up living together then it is something that is important to you or you woukdn't have said anything & just waited for him to make that move if or when he was ever ready. For you to turn around & say ah forget it, I didnt mean what I said is contradictory ( saying what you REALLY dont believe or feel in your heart) & he knows it.

If you brought itbup, it is important to you. Tolerating a relationship that will never have a real committment on his part....IS that something you REALLY want to tolerate for the rest of your life just to have a nice person who won't commit responsibility to you. Yes, you say this while you are hurting but if you did get back together, would YOU REALLY be satisfied with a relstionship with a guy who just wouldn't be totally committed to you which in REALITY is the TRUE SIGN that someone really LOVES you.

If it was so easy forbhim to just walk away like that, I question his true love for you on the first place & the fact that it seems his FEAR of committing to you is much stronger than his LOVE for you.

Is this REALLY what you want for your life or just something you think you want to tolerate because you are emitionally hurting right now.

Honesrly he may know you better than you know yourself when it comes to this.

Im sorry you have been hurt this way. Maybe it would help to be totally honest with yoyrself about your future needs & desires in your life. You may realize that he is right & this is an irreconcileably difference unless you tolerate it with an unrealustic hope that someday he "WILL CHANGE".

[behindthemirror]

This sounds familiar.... Please don’t sacrifice your needs for anyone, let alone such a selfish person. Don’t live like this. There’s much better out there. Being alone is definitely better than trying to live like this. Don’t waste any more time with this one.