[BlueCrustacean]

When will I EVER find somebody that I'm actually physically attracted to, who's actually physically attracted to me? I'm not ugly. In fact a lot of people have called me pretty, and that I could be a model or an actress. So why are none of the guys I actually find attractive interested in me back? Why does this have to be so hard? Do I not deserve somebody that I feel excited about meeting? Do I not deserve to be loved by someone that I love with equal intensity, and get butterflies in my stomach about?

Also, I know that appearances aren't everything, and there are many things I look for in a potential partner that matter more than looks, such as being a nice, moral person and having a common goal/vision in life. But looks still matter a lot. I'm done apologizing about it. I wish I could just have what others seem to have easily, who look like me and are my age.

I can never surmount this pattern of being interested in people who aren't interested in me, and vice versa. I've never even been in a relationship yet because of this. I've never been kissed or had sex even, and I'm 27 years old. I wish I knew what young teenage love would have been like, had there been a boy I liked who liked me back. All I've ever had is unrequited celebrity crushes instead. I feel more and more alone and weird compared to everybody else.

[LifeForce]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

When will I EVER find somebody that I'm actually physically attracted to, who's actually physically attracted to me? I'm not ugly. In fact a lot of people have called me pretty, and that I could be a model or an actress. So why are none of the guys I actually find attractive interested in me back? Why does this have to be so hard? Do I not deserve somebody that I feel excited about meeting? Do I not deserve to be loved by someone that I love with equal intensity, and get butterflies in my stomach about?


Also, I know that appearances aren't everything, and there are many things I look for in a potential partner that matter more than looks, such as being a nice, moral person and having a common goal/vision in life. But looks still matter a lot. I'm done apologizing about it. I wish I could just have what others seem to have easily, who look like me and are my age.


I can never surmount this pattern of being interested in people who aren't interested in me, and vice versa. I've never even been in a relationship yet because of this. I've never been kissed or had sex even, and I'm 27 years old. I wish I knew what young teenage love would have been like, had there been a boy I liked who liked me back. All I've ever had is unrequited celebrity crushes instead. I feel more and more alone and weird compared to everybody else.

Think of the way you behave towards men that you are not attracted to vs those you are attracted to, and that might help you to understand a little of what’s going on. It doesn’t matter how progressive we are; men and women are fundamentally different, and men still value and appreciate women more if they have to work to get them. Iow. they need to be the hunters. That’s the principle behind The Rules books, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. I might not agree with them 100%, but when I read The Complete Rules right through, it made a lot of sense. Initially, I found some of their advice went against the grain, but as I learned more about the principles behind The Rules, I realised why it was necessary.
Good luck; I hope this helps you!

[Bill3]

In other threads you speak about your childhood. I wonder if your childhood is affecting the possibility of having a relationship.

When someone seems to want attachment with you, you could be reminded that close relationships bring pain. Both your mother and your father taught you that. And by seeking those who are unavailable, you perhaps protect yourself from what your childhood taught you to be inevitable: great pain in connection with attachments.

You said in another thread of yours that you gained a lot from therapy. I wonder if you had the chance in therapy to discuss what you posted here.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

When will I EVER find somebody that I'm actually physically attracted to, who's actually physically attracted to me? I'm not ugly. In fact a lot of people have called me pretty, and that I could be a model or an actress. So why are none of the guys I actually find attractive interested in me back? Why does this have to be so hard? Do I not deserve somebody that I feel excited about meeting? Do I not deserve to be loved by someone that I love with equal intensity, and get butterflies in my stomach about?

Also, I know that appearances aren't everything, and there are many things I look for in a potential partner that matter more than looks, such as being a nice, moral person and having a common goal/vision in life. But looks still matter a lot. I'm done apologizing about it. I wish I could just have what others seem to have easily, who look like me and are my age.

I can never surmount this pattern of being interested in people who aren't interested in me, and vice versa. I've never even been in a relationship yet because of this. I've never been kissed or had sex even, and I'm 27 years old. I wish I knew what young teenage love would have been like, had there been a boy I liked who liked me back. All I've ever had is unrequited celebrity crushes instead. I feel more and more alone and weird compared to everybody else.

One thing I can say about this is that while you do deserve to be with someone you're attracted to, don't make the mistake of being too picky. Don't constantly compare every person who comes along to some idea of what they should be like or you will keep seeing flaws in those people that probably are really not even there to begin with. Give people a chance. Don't rush into things but, don't beat around the bush or drag your feet either. A wise musician once said "Loneliness is such a drag." Don't become so picky that you end up never having known anyone that you'd like to know. Instead of looking for flaws, look for good things in people. Look for the things that really matter.

[ArcheM]

Well, I'm sort of in a similar boat, or used to be, anyway (although my appearance has more been in the "weird extra" range)... I suppose it's not really helpful, but in my view the universe doesn't really have the "deserve" category. Things just happen. Or sometimes they don't... Quite often, actually... I guess on this depressing note... Well, I don't know about you, but I've got the impression that kissing and sex don't necessarily mean love or whatever. So maybe your situation isn't about that. I, personally, am just abnormally risk-averse and don't trust people. Which, I guess, is related to the fact that I've never tasted alcohol, which is said to be the great relationship facilitator.

Wow, I like what Bill said. I could look back and apply that kind of thinking to what happened to me. I picked very wrong choices though. If your parents showed you that relationships are full of pain (and mine did, physically, emotionally and verbally), you may be afraid of picking someone that you get attached to which makes sense now to me. I picked guys that I thought I had no interest in. Still did with the last one. For me its different, I made sure there wasn't a physical interest in them, and tried not to attach to them emotionally. It didn't work. For me, and I think most women, sex is more than sex. It's so intimate that I couldn't differentiate between sex and love. I know what you meant about having an ideal partner in mind, someone who lives up to your values. In reality though, no one single man can do that. As women we sometimes think our partners should be, our best friends, someone who can help us with our own problems, well at least that was the case for me. I think Bill has the answer there, therapy to discuss this with a professional. Best wishes.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by Bill3

In other threads you speak about your childhood. I wonder if your childhood is affecting the possibility of having a relationship.

When someone seems to want attachment with you, you could be reminded that close relationships bring pain. Both your mother and your father taught you that. And by seeking those who are unavailable, you perhaps protect yourself from what your childhood taught you to be inevitable: great pain in connection with attachments.

You said in another thread of yours that you gained a lot from therapy. I wonder if you had the chance in therapy to discuss what you posted here.

I know all too well that I've been gypped with bad parents who taught me I'm never good enough, and had a HORRIBLE marriage that ended in a BEYOND HORRIBLE divorce. Right now I'm going through a terrible rage and resentment at how my childhood upbringing screwed me over and prevented me from having the life I deserve to have. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be stunted and held back.

The fact is, I'm stuck in rage mode because I'm afraid that I don't know HOW to get beyond this. Like I'm just broken forever. Nobody's teaching me how to get out of it. I guess I do need to go back to therapy. My last therapist said I was doing good enough that I could try stopping therapy, and see how I do. I feel ashamed to go back.

[Bill3]

What did you work on in your previous therapy and what brought that therapy to an end?