[cklasik]

Is there a way to stop being offensive to a certain group of people?

In the presence of people I see as obese, I catch myself saying things which I prefer to think is completely unlike me: covertly vicious. The first time I can recall, but there may well have been earlier times, was about 10 years ago, when I made two comments in a row, which turned a newly met friend of my good friend into a long-term enemy, and for a reason; I would not have forgiven such a behaviour to anyone either.

Whereas this does not happen very often, I do end up saying things I instantly regret. This happens even if I find the person very amusing and likeable.

How can I stop myself doing that? Not only is it legally classified as harassment, but also ruinous to my relations with some people and their friends. If I were religious, I would be ready to swear to God: I do not want it; I take responsibility, but these are reflexes.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I don't know as I can really suggest anything useful here myself. However, here's a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives titled: "5 Ways to Bounce Back From Sticking Your Foot in Your Mouth". Perhaps something in it can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...in-your-mouth/

[~Christina]

Maybe you need to just pause and think before you speak???

5-10 seconds thought before you speak could make a huge difference... sounds simple but maybe it will help..

I think the link Skeez gave could be helpful

[Skeezyks]

[QUOTE=~Christina;5952762]Maybe you need to just pause and think before you speak???

5-10 seconds thought before you speak could make a huge difference... sounds simple but maybe it will help..

Yes, the Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, talks about this in her writings. She's coming to it from the perspective of learning how to avoid, or at least lessen, the tendency to get into arguments. But what she says is to practice waiting a few seconds before replying. That momentary gap can create enough space to allow one to think about what one might be about to say rather than just "shooting from the hip", so to speak. Good advice!

[seesaw]

Yeah, I had a co-worker who had ordered some dresses and had them delivered to our office. On a break we were looking at them with her. And she made a comment about how she was now a size 8, but they didn't feel like a size 8, like they felt too small, and then she made a comment like "well, at least I'm not a size 18."

I know she wasn't directing it at me. She meant like, looking on the positive side for her. I get that. Problem is, I am a size 18. And it kind of offended me a little. However, knowing that I don't give two shits what she thinks of my size, I didn't care. I know my weight issues right now stem from issues with medications, hospitalizations, and depression. And I also know that when I was her age, I was in far better shape than she was. So if it's a competition, well, I've run two marathons, multiple half marathons, and done cross country self-contained bike touring, stuff that would make her cry from roughing it so hard...Not too long ago I could run a mile in less than 8 minutes...I know she can't. Yeah, so maybe now my health isn't as great, but I had a resting heart rate of 47 when I was her age, so she can kiss my ***. Lol...

Just try and think before you speak. And if you say something that is offensive, just apologize right away and say "you know, I didn't think before I said that, and I see how it may have upset you or hurt your feelings. I'm sorry if I did."

That should be enough for any reasonable person to get over it.

Seesaw

[winter loneliness]

Everyone has different opinions on what is attractive. Remember, what is fat to some may be sexy to others. Skinny too.

I am sometimes cruel to obese people, but only in my mind. My family always commented on my weight. I am tall and chubby.

[FallDuskTrain]

May be it depends on what you say... you did not share an example so I don’t know what to say. But, may be the best thing is not to make any comment but you mentioned that it is a reflex.
I have to also say this: some people will get offended just by the fact that you do not have the same issue that they have. And here the competitive nature, unfortunately comes into play. People look at life as a competition and subconsciously blame you for being at a better place then them. It is really strange. And unnecessary. Heart breaking to me...
Sorry for going off topic. In summary, just dont make any comment until you get to know them.

[MickeyCheeky]

Stopping and thinking for like 5 seconds before saying anything potentially harmful can be a good solution

I agree with those who have suggested taking a bit of time to think before you speak. Something else that may help is to ask yourself: "Would I want someone saying this to me?"

If the answer is no, then don't say it! People who are obese are first and foremost people, just like you. They deserve to be treated with respect, just like you and me. Try to see past the weight.

They probably know they are obese, they don't need other people making it worse for them. I've been mocked about my weight and it hurts so I understand how it feels. I've lost a couple of stone and I like to eat the best I can but still don't want to judge people. I've been through the same stuff. They are still people with feelings. Anyway why do people really care about someone's weight? It's their body, not yours. If you are fit and healthy, good for you. Some people are dealing with their inner demons. You don't have to deal with their troubles.

[TishaBuv]

Before you speak, ask yourself, “Is it helpful? Is it necessary?” This stops me often from sticking my foot in my mouth.

[cklasik]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Let me make it clear: I do not judge people by their looks. If someone appears off my standards and looks happy, I am happy for them; if they appear miserable, it makes me feel sad, although I do realise the link I may make between the various aspects of their looks and their state of mind is subjective, and as such, prone to error.

My problem is, indeed, that regardless of how much thinking before speaking is in my best interest, I simply get carried away - even if I do recall the committment at the beginning of the conversation, I get lost half way through it.
This happens even if I have to do with someone who has repeatedly abused me verbally, isolated me from most of the open-space team and sabotaged my career on a daily basis. Even then I tend to say things which may get such individuals irritated.

As you can imagine, compared to such situations, not hurting someone's feelings of someone nice and polite with a comment that comes across as criticism of their looks is less of a priority, even if the experience of the outcome of hurting someone or getting hur is rather similar: shame and disappointment.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Something else that may help is to ask yourself: "Would I want someone saying this to me?"

Bang on!

[cklasik]

I am sure it works in some cases. Not in this case though.

What I am referring to is out of my control: it just happens, then in roughly 50% I suffer consequences (ostracism, hostility), in 100% of cases I feel what was described in that article.

Then it happens again with another person some time later.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by cklasik

I am sure it works in some cases. Not in this case though.

What I am referring to is out of my control: it just happens, then in roughly 50% I suffer consequences (ostracism, hostility), in 100% of cases I feel what was described in that article.

Then it happens again with another person some time later.

So, as with anything, this will take practice. The first step is that you are mindful that you do this.

I'll give you an example. I have an anger problem. I jump really fast to anger. I have been working for a long time to be mindful that when I start to feel anger, to slow myself down, and take time before projecting it onto people.

So you need to start by trying to be mindful when you are speaking. You will still make mistakes, but if you just remind yourself at different points of the day to be compassionate with your speech and think before you speak, it will become a habit eventually.

For the first month, you may fail entirely. You may just be able to remind yourself throughout the day, but still end up saying everything you are thinking. Slowly, if you keep checking in with yourself to be mindful, you will find that you are able to catch yourself before you speak.

It will get easier as you work on it.

Seesaw

[cklasik]

Okay, so that is what I have been doing for years. I think I am getting better progressively; as for the results - you know already.

Thanks everyone.

If I am reading correctly you say you start off well then half way through you sometimes say unkind things you did not intend to?

If that is the case maybe try to keep conversations short when you feel like you are in a danger zone (talking to someone obese)?

How do you usually handle it when you accidentally insult someone? Do you apologise immediately?

[cklasik]

Keeping conversation short and possibly not too deep maybe the way to go indeed.

As for what I do when I make such a bad comment, tried various behaviours, from apologising immediately to changing the subject quickly nothing had happened.

Surprisingly, the person whom I apologized later turned out to be the most vicious, however I am not sure if that is in a direct relation with what I did because there were more things happening. She was pushing towards ' friendship' while in time telling very inviting his of her misfortunes with her friends. Very complicated, even if it hasn't been in the workplace.
The unintended remark that I made time out totally unexpectedly, and I can hardly think I could have prevented this in a way other than that then simply staying away, which in itself would have been taken as inappropriate behaviour, though.

That being said, I take full responsibility for what I did because I happen to offend also people who do not behave in weird way like that person did.

[healingme4me]

Maybe tapping into why you have a visceral initial, internal reaction so that in time you grow detached in a way that desensitizes the thought from reaching your tongue?