Trying to form new habits

So this might belong in the BPD forum, but since it is relationship-based, I’ll give it a go here.

I have been in a LDR with a man I’ve been friends with for over a decade. He’s a great man, he is fully aware of my issues with MI and has been taking a lot of my stuff on willingly and supportively. That said, being that I struggle with BPD, I also struggle hard with abandonment. I know, rationally, this guy is unlikely to go anywhere anytime soon and, if he were, his friendship would remain. But I’ve always been a massive failure when it comes to relationships—I’m needy, suspicious, moody...in short, I can be a lot to handle. He has his own MI struggles with bipolar disorder (which has been stable for some time), and understands the struggle. He says he doesn’t take some of my previous freak-outs personally, as he understands it’s the illness. However, I know that I need to get my brain under control if we are to have any kind of a chance.

As I said, I’m terrible at relationships. At 39, I’ve only had one long-term relationship which lasted a strife-filled year. I have learned a lot over the years and I understand what my triggers and shortcomings are. I am thankful that this man is patient and kind with me. However, I know that he is human and doesn’t deserve to be the brunt of the negative aspects of my illness. I can already sense that he’s pulling away a bit, maybe not because he wants out (because he says he doesn’t, and I believe him), but because he needs his own space and I have been really bad at giving that to him. I have been working on being better about that (not texting 24/7, not asking him to call me all the time, etc...he’s the type that comes home from work and just wants a little bit of peace and quiet).

Yes, I do have a T, and I have committed to working with her more intensely on this, I just haven’t been able to schedule with her in the last month bc of our conflicting schedules. I do know DBT moderately well. I am wondering what insights any of you could provide? Please, be kind. I really like and respect this person and want us to have a chance.

Thank you.

How regularly and well do you put DBT into practice?

Formerly, not regularly and not well. I don’t have a support system, nor a formal group (and no way to get into one). But my T knows DBT, I have worksheets, workbooks, and even an app, and I’m trying.

Is there a chance of making LDR into face to face regular relationship etc? I am not saying commitment right now but less LDR and more face to face?. Would that lessen anxiety? I believe LDR it is difficult for anyone. How often do you see each other? Is there a chance of it becoming something else? In the future?

My daughter is in LDR, it will soon be over ( not relationship but LDR aspect). She says if she had to continue LDR much longer, she would be done, it’s just too hard: misunderstandings, confusions, lack of time together, stress, time difference, not having person there when you need him etc

We don’t see each other a lot right now, just saw each other a few weeks ago and then I’m going down there af the beginning of March. We’d make it more frequent if our jobs allowed, but his is a M-F and based on his productivity. I’m an RN, so mine is far more flexible, and I have 5 day off stretches where I can travel to see him without a thought of taking time whereas he doesn’t have the same flexibility, and can’t always take time off work. So yeah, he’s taking a long weekend in March

And speaking of my job being more mobile, I’ve already begun to apply to travel nurse agencies. Not so that I can move where he is—I’ve told him that they’d be temporary for now while my stuff stays at home—but so that we can at least properly date and see how things are. I’m totally fine with it; I’ve wanted to travel for some time now, and I’m dissatisfied with my current work situation. I’m likely taking an assignment based in my home state, first. So yeah, there is a plan.

I know that the distance is part of what is difficult, but I don’t want to screw things up in the meantime. I don’t know that it’ll be better once we’re closer; he has his own abandonment issues in relationships (long story). He is fully open to me about this, and about going “all in” and having it blow up in his face numerous times. I’ve seen it happen to him; I get it. He likes me, a lot, and wants me to be near him but he’s not going to go head over heels in love and want to like, marry me while I’m here and he’s there.

I’m probably rambling. I just don’t want it to seem like I’m moving for a guy—with travel nursing there’s always the option of coming home in 13 weeks

Sounds like a good plan. If you move to his area, it doesn’t mean it would be for him. Not like you moving into his house. But moving temporarily for work would be excellent. Travel nursing is a great option in your situation. My husband is RN snd actually wanted to try it before he met me. I’d go for it. Even if let’s say you don’t go to the guy’s area you never know what fun places and people you might discover. Totally good idea!!! Go for it

I don't have insight, but I'm really glad that you're trying your best to improve your situation. That just shows how much you care for that man, and I'm sure he will notice your efforts. I struggle with social skills as well, so I partially understand.

I wonder if there might be DBT online support groups.