[Betrayed92]

My mother recently contacted after the death of my father. My mother wants to be in my life again, but I'm not sure if I want my mom to be in my life because I have really mixed feelings about my mom because of my childhood. During my childhood my father was physical, and sexually abusive to me and my mom never protected me from my father and she covered the abuse up for him and encouraged his abuse. I'm just not sure if I should give my mother a chance or not I need some advice.

[it'sgrowtime]

Hello. I’m sorry your parents were/are like this. You deserve a loving and safe home.
I can understand why you wouldn’t want your mom in your life.

[Rose76]

You do not owe it to your mother to let her back in. Do not let yourself, in any way, be guilted into this. Failure to protect her child is about the worst thing that a woman who is a mother can be accused of. I'll never understand why there are animal species where mothers are better at this than are many humans.

I'ld like to hear some reasons why you think you might want your mother back in.

[Crazy Hitch]

You are quite entitled to your feelings. I echo what the above posters have said. I'm sorry you had to go through this

[winter loneliness]

Originally Posted by Betrayed92

My mother recently contacted after the death of my father. My mother wants to be in my life again, but I'm not sure if I want my mom to be in my life because I have really mixed feelings about my mom because of my childhood. During my childhood my father was physical, and sexually abusive to me and my mom never protected me from my father and she covered the abuse up for him and encouraged his abuse. I'm just not sure if I should give my mother a chance or not I need some advice.

Follow your heart. I was physically abused by my father . My mother never protected us. She was very toxic, too. She died abut 1 1/2 yrs ago. She was in my life but I ALWAYS had to set boundaries with her.

Weird to mourn someone who has hurt you. Do whatever works for you, not her.

[Betrayed92]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You do not owe it to your mother to let her back in. Do not let yourself, in any way, be guilted into this. Failure to protect her child is about the worst thing that a woman who is a mother can be accused of. I'll never understand why there are animal species where mothers are better at this than are many humans.

I'ld like to hear some reasons why you think you might want your mother back in.

I think that I want my mother back into my life back I feel like my daughter should be able to meet her grandmother at least once and I also feel like this might be chance to have a healthy relationship with my mother. I also feel like I might be able to get a chance for closure on my past because I want to ask my mother why she let my father abuse me and why she encouraged the abuse before I forget I want you to know that I appreciate the advice.

[Betrayed92]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Follow your heart. I was physically abused by my father . My mother never protected us. She was very toxic, too. She died abut 1 1/2 yrs ago. She was in my life but I ALWAYS had to set boundaries with her.

Weird to mourn someone who has hurt you. Do whatever works for you, not her.

I'm not sure if I trust my heart because, it seems that I make the wrong choice when I go with my heart.

[Rose76]

It sounds like you're longing for the good mother-daughter relationship that you never had. That's understandable. I doubt this lady is somehow going to morph into who you always wished she could have been.

With your father gone, your mother may be freer to interact with people a bit differently. But I wouldn't expect too much. You say she encouraged your father to abuse you? That's hard to reconcile with her suddenly becoming a good person.

I would be very slow to bring her around my home and around my child. If you're burning to talk things over, you could meet her for dinner some eve . . . at a restaurant . . . or maybe just coffee and pie at a diner. (Leave your child at home.) See how that goes. Ask her your questions. Don't make any commitment to having her back in your life on an on-going basis.

Having your daughter meet her - just once - could be more confusing and hurtful for your daughter than having them never meet. When your daughter gets older, like over age 17, she can decide for herself. This whole thing could get real troubling to a child. If your child is still quite young, I don't imagine you've told her about the abuse inflicted on you. So how is your daughter going to make sense of Granma popping in and then disappearing (if the reconnection doesn't work out?) Your daughter might think she is being rejected. There is stability in leaving things as they are now.

As your mother gets older, she is going to have problems related to aging, as will we all. How involved do you want to be in helping her with those? How open do you want to be to getting needy phone calls? A woman who was as enmeshed as she was in a vile situation is a woman with a lot of problems that didn't vanish just because her abusive husband passed away. She's going to be a troubled lady all her life. How much of that do you need in your life?

I pay as much attention to what you didn't say as to what you did. I'm not hearing that she called you expressing deep sorrow and remorse. (Maybe she did and you just wanted to keep the story concise.)

I can't tell you what you should do, as I honestly don't know. But beware of trying to make a fantasy come true. I think it goes without saying that you will not be leaving your child alone with Granma.

Above all, don't reconnect as a favor to your daughter. She can get by just fine never knowing this woman. The sad reality is that she is not missing much.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by Betrayed92

I think that I want my mother back into my life back I feel like my daughter should be able to meet her grandmother at least once and I also feel like this might be chance to have a healthy relationship with my mother. I also feel like I might be able to get a chance for closure on my past because I want to ask my mother why she let my father abuse me and why she encouraged the abuse before I forget I want you to know that I appreciate the advice.

Could you carry out these ideas in reverse order? It seems like she needs to explain her past behavior in a way that you find acceptable before you can move on to developing a healthy relationship - and without the healthy relationship, it may not be a great idea to introduce her to your daughter.

Did she apologize at all when she reached out?

[MickeyCheeky]

It's your choice, but remember that you don't HAVE to do anything - you don't owe anything to her, considering your past. Whathever you decide to do, please be careful.

[CluckyBear]

Family isn't always about blood, it's a respectful bond that we make with each other.

It's a hard choice to make whether to let your mother back into your life, but you don't have to. If it is a burning desire you have to talk to her, you could meet up and see how it goes, but I would think it over and not rush into anything.

[Betrayed92]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It sounds like you're longing for the good mother-daughter relationship that you never had. That's understandable. I doubt this lady is somehow going to morph into who you always wished she could have been.

With your father gone, your mother may be freer to interact with people a bit differently. But I wouldn't expect too much. You say she encouraged your father to abuse you? That's hard to reconcile with her suddenly becoming a good person.

I would be very slow to bring her around my home and around my child. If you're burning to talk things over, you could meet her for dinner some eve . . . at a restaurant . . . or maybe just coffee and pie at a diner. (Leave your child at home.) See how that goes. Ask her your questions. Don't make any commitment to having her back in your life on an on-going basis.

Having your daughter meet her - just once - could be more confusing and hurtful for your daughter than having them never meet. When your daughter gets older, like over age 17, she can decide for herself. This whole thing could get real troubling to a child. If your child is still quite young, I don't imagine you've told her about the abuse inflicted on you. So how is your daughter going to make sense of Granma popping in and then disappearing (if the reconnection doesn't work out?) Your daughter might think she is being rejected. There is stability in leaving things as they are now.

As your mother gets older, she is going to have problems related to aging, as will we all. How involved do you want to be in helping her with those? How open do you want to be to getting needy phone calls? A woman who was as enmeshed as she was in a vile situation is a woman with a lot of problems that didn't vanish just because her abusive husband passed away. She's going to be a troubled lady all her life. How much of that do you need in your life?

I pay as much attention to what you didn't say as to what you did. I'm not hearing that she called you expressing deep sorrow and remorse. (Maybe she did and you just wanted to keep the story concise.)

I can't tell you what you should do, as I honestly don't know. But beware of trying to make a fantasy come true. I think it goes without saying that you will not be leaving your child alone with Granma.

Above all, don't reconnect as a favor to your daughter. She can get by just fine never knowing this woman. The sad reality is that she is not missing much.

Firstly, I want to thank you for the advice. Secondly, I think I will take it slow on if I will let her back in my life because she didn't really apologize to me or say that she was remorseful about what happened in the past and I think will be a good idea to take things slow and I think that I will let my daughter decide when she gets older on if she wants to meet her and I will never leave my mother alone with my daughter and thirdly, I think in the future as mother gets older I will try to help her as much as I can without her taking control of my life or without her bring too much drama into my life.

[Betrayed92]

Originally Posted by hvert

Could you carry out these ideas in reverse order? It seems like she needs to explain her past behavior in a way that you find acceptable before you can move on to developing a healthy relationship - and without the healthy relationship, it may not be a great idea to introduce her to your daughter.

Did she apologize at all when she reached out?

She didn't really apologize to me when she contacted me, and I think that I probably talk to her and have her if she can explain to me her reasons for doing what she did in the past before I every meet her in person again and I think that I will let my daughter decide when she gets old enough if she wants to meet my mother.

[Betrayed92]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It's your choice, but remember that you don't HAVE to do anything - you don't owe anything to her, considering your past. Whathever you decide to do, please be careful.

I will be careful on making my decision.

[eskielover]

I was going to say, your mom should be showing remorse for what she allowed to happen during yiyr childhood. That would be my FIRST requirement for allowing her back in my life beyond surface level "hi how are you" communications.

Honestly after what I put my daughter through with my major depression & suicide attempts in her senior year of high school, apologizing to her & letting her know I was healing after leaving her father was key to increasing our communication. We live half way across the country from each other so daily interface other than over the phone can't happen. But she now understands what I was going through. We now have fairly good communication though finances keep us both from being able to get together IRL.

If your mother hasnt come to you with regret about what she did then I would truly keep her at a distance. Remorse should be offered not asked for. Though I would keep some level of communication open as you NEVER know when her heart may be moved to say something