What Is It Like To Have A Family?

A real family that is one that you can count on. One that you can know that no matter will not turn against you. One that is someone who you can look towards for support and not just a group of people who you fear the actions of if you happen to not fit with their agenda. A real family is something that I have never known. I grew up in a home of narcissistic abuse. My "family" often acted as though they loved me, but at the end of the day, all that they cared about was seeing that I fit their image. If I didn't (and I did not), I have been nothing other than a worthless person that they feel they are "stuck" with. In short, they have been nothing but abusive, judgmental, and condescending towards me recently. In the end, when it comes down to it, I am at the very bottom of their list of priorities. However, sometimes they fool me by pretending to be "nice" to me, which seems real. But to be loved in this "family" is like a forbidden fruit that you cannot touch. Because in the end, these people do not care about me. They only care about themselves. However, I have known people who had what truly was a family. And I will always wonder what that is like, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be for me to know what that is like. As to my family, I'm just someone they're "stuck with" in their words. And they choose to use me as a verbal punching bag whenever they feel like and it and see nothing wrong with this at all. In fact, I'm the "bad guy" for even daring to call them on this.

I often wonder the same thing...

I know it must be an amazing thing. To not even have to wonder about whether or not they're on your side. With mine, sometimes they'll end up doing the right thing....... but only when it is convenient for them. And you never really know when that will be. When it's not convenient for them, they will just tear me down and set out to make me feel utterly worthless and discarded. And then if called on it later, they just deny it ever happened or tell me that I should just "take it or leave it". While I am fully aware now as I have grown older that my family is pretty ****** compared to others, I didn't know until I saw the love and empathy that other families had for them. It is incredible to see that there is good in the world, even though unfortunately my own "family" certainly is anything but good or even possessing basic decency or empathy to any degree.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. But it won't last forever.

I wouldn't sweat it , I blew mine off mentally at 15 and for real at 16 when I could afford to move into a single men's quarters . Be part of the only family that matters . The one you choose .

I'm going to tell you the most important thing I've learned. Family is not blood. Family are the people who love you for who you are. My family includes my closest friends. They have been there when my heart was broken, when I was hospitalized, through all of my ups and downs. I love them so much and they love me. Its amazing. Don't give up, find your tribe.

Sure isn't my biological family. I would imagine that if I were hospitalized for anything (related to mental health that is), they'd just say, "For our mental health we can't have you here." And they'd simply walk away, forgetting about me and say to themselves, "He made his choices." This is the way of thinking that these people have, and for them it works, since others don't really matter in the equation. To them, others aren't individuals to be loved or cherished but merely people to be placed into categories of "okay" or "not okay". And being family has nothing to do with where you're placed. If you're "not okay", you're still "not okay" and this is the same whether you're family or not. This is the philosophy that has been drummed into me through my entire life.

Google "Childhood Emotional Neglect" and see if you can relate with what you read.

It's easy to be bitter about it . I guess also there's the expectation of "happy family's" it's like sold as the done thing . I also think that dysfunctional ones are a lot more common than people like to admit . For me I squared it in my brain a long time ago . In the end, I see it as , they gave me food so I didn't die of starvation and there was shelter until I was strong enough to stand up for myself . So in this area they completed their obligation fully . People can only hurt you if you allow them to , if you want something from them . Approval , friendship , understanding , compassion . Once you get to a point a switch gets turned . I can remember the day when I was 15 and I said to myself " these people will never have the opportunity to hurt me again " and I wiped them emotionally . I really meant this and my brain changed that day . Took away their power . My life is my problem and they don't get a say . That for me was the day I began to become who I am , who I was supposed to be .

I couldn't agree more with what you say. Wow at 16 you were able to understand this, you are very brave and smart. I cut most of "the bad apples" last year. I have never felt better since.

One even wrote me: "you are turning your back on people who could have given their life for you and who love you very much" with a lot of guilt messages, I just blocked her number, I blocked all those who hurt me openly and who did not have the decency to apologised. Now I feel free to live my life as I want and to be proud of myself, because there is a lot of jealousy sometimes going on, embrace completely who you are and be happy because at the end of the day its the only thing that will matter. Worrying about selfish or careless people will do no good in the long run, as soon as you can go away from them @Monkey1111.

Let me understand.... they are telling you this in front of your face?

I am very sorry that we people - and I count everybody (and me) in this - make so terrible enotional mistakes...

Look, I am not going to lecture you and take away from anything you are feeling.

BUT.....

When I was 16, I hated my family with a passion. My four year old sister got more love than I ever did, my father was a violent, emotionally and abusive drunk, and my mother just cowered away and hated her life.

I did the unthinkable. I dropped out of high school and left home at 15, and went out in to the world, and lived on the hard streets of NYC. I learned my lessons, made my mistakes, struggled intensely, and survived in a very hard, unforgiving world.

When I fell hard, and I mean HARD, losing my job, my apartment, my fiancee to a jail sentence, and whatever was left of my sanity to a bipolar hell filled with alcohol and drugs, my family came through for me and saved me.

It took 20 years for things to come full circle, for my dad to calm down, my mom to gain strength and have a voice, and my sister to grow into a wonderful, responsible adult. I am living with them now, and we ARE a wonderful family, living in peace till the end of my parents come, and my sister to move on and get married.

You are young, and I am not saying that to be condescending, but I have BEEN where you are, and honestly, the fact that you feel that you think they are "stuck with you" is a horrible feeling yes, but when you are out in the world all alone, having them may not be as bad as you think.

I am not judging for how you feel, I mean I left and didn't turn back, so I am no one to argue your feelings. Hang in there, and when you are 18, you are free to go into the world and do something about it.

Yes , I certainly wouldn't advocate that path if you have a choice . It's not an easy path and a dangerous one . You could find you struggle to find a reason to live for a while until you can make sense of life or at least your sense to it . One thing I have done over the years is believe I do have a biological family , they may not be alive but they are real . The Irish girl who burnt down a barn and waited for the police to arrest her so she could be transported as a convict and escape the famine . The German man who packed his bags and left his fathers pub in Hamburg to follow the gold rush in a new country . The Wild young man who climbed down 20 metres of chain ladder to save three men struck down by explosive fumes 700 metres underground 100 years ago .. they are all in me , and yours are in you . They stretch back 150000 years maybe . Your family is not only who gave direct birth to you . It took a lot more and a lot longer than that .
P.s. I knew my path was the correct one when I went back a week after leaving to collect a few items . The locks had been changed on the house and all that had been mine had been thrown away . It's no violin session , I don't wish to sound hard done by , but I don't do forgiving , c'est la vie . I have a wonderful life , which I don't believe would have happened without action . Hopefully you don't/won't need to take it . It can be lonely until you find your own tribe .

I was just wondering today what it would be like to have grown up with parents that weren't so irritable and miserable all the time. I fee you.