There's a guy who I became reacquainted with recently. He's always been very nice and I like him as a friend. But only a friend. I think he liked me and likes me as more. I am really not attracted to this guy and he kind of smells (dirty) and has no teeth.

I have not been returning his calls. I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't want to return his calls. I want to let this fade away. But I feel guilty kind of. Not sure I should. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. He called today and left a message, and sounded very...pathetic to me (sorry, I can't think of a better, less offensive word). I was very turned off and just don't want to call him back.

Do I have to call him back? He did have me borrow a movie of his, which I'm not really into and didn't watch. But I can give it to a mutual friend of ours to give to him. He doesn't do email or text. I might see him sometimes at certain gatherings. Which I hope would be ok with him.

Anyway....I don't think it is my duty to call him and explain to him I don't want to get together anymore.. At the same time, I *could* address my concern to him that he might like me as more. But I don't know how, and I don't even know if I want to do that.

I guess I feel guilty because I reached out to *him* and had a friend give him my number.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I personally don't feel as though you are under any obligation to call this man back. Yes, I would give the movie to the mutual friend to return. Maybe that will clue the man into the fact that you're not interested.

Given that this man smells & has no teeth his "prospects", so to speak, are probably limited. But you just have to be strong & not give in. If along the way he doesn't get the message then, since he doesn't text or e-mail, perhaps consider sending him a note simply explaining that you no longer wish to be in touch & would prefer he not call again. My personal opinion is you don't owe him a "face-to-face". And giving him one may only encourage him to keep trying. Better to just make a clean break, so to speak, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Well... I personally don't feel as though you are under any obligation to call this man back. Yes, I would give the movie to the mutual friend to return. Maybe that will clue the man into the fact that you're not interested.

Given that this man smells & has no teeth his "prospects", so to speak, are probably limited. But you just have to be strong & not give in. If along the way he doesn't get the message then, since he doesn't text or e-mail, perhaps consider sending him a note simply explaining that you no longer wish to be in touch & would prefer he not call again. My personal opinion is you don't owe him a "face-to-face". And giving him one may only encourage him to keep trying. Better to just make a clean break, so to speak, in my opinion.

Thank you!!! Oh my gosh. This. This is what I want to do. I know I'm not obligated...I think I just felt guilty because I know he will feel badly, and he *is* a truly nice person. I just DON'T want to anymore. I don't even want to be friends really anymore. A friend of mine had asked me if maybe I could be just friends with him or something. And I felt myself cringe.

[Bill3]

Don't be friends with him if that idea makes you cringe. You are doing the right thing to stay away from him.

He might feel badly about your decision, but stringing him along out of concern for his feelings, or pity, would not be doing him any favors. Be genuine: follow and express and live your truth.

Agree with others, you have no obligation to be his friend. Slow fade as you are doing seems kindest. Being his friend when you don't like him would not be a kindness.

[LadyShadow]

I agree too. I like the idea of the note though like Skeezyks said. It will probably help with some closure for him, so he doesn't feel like you ditched him for no reason. People can be really hurt by not knowing what happened when a person decides to end things. I know, because it has happened to me so many times.

I suggested a note, because a phone call would be too scary, hell, even for me. I am not good with confrontation, and I am probably a coward in that regard, but I am definitely not heartless, and I know neither are you.

You're doing the right thing either way by not leading him on.

[bunnyhabit]

best way is to text "my boyfriend is very upset i text other men, so i promise he i stop now, sorry"

easy and quick dump method for me

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, he hasn't confessed anything about his feeling towards you, so you can still remain friends with him in the meantime. If he asks you, you can simply say that you're not interested in a relationship.
If you don't want to be friends with him either, same thing: just say it to him, kindly but firmly.

[Crazy Hitch]

I would say definitely don't contact him and keep your distance - you're doing the right thing

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by starrysky

There's a guy who I became reacquainted with recently. He's always been very nice and I like him as a friend. But only a friend...

Do I have to call him back?

I guess I feel guilty because I reached out to *him* and had a friend give him my number.

I guess, what were your thought processes when you reached out to him in the first place? Like, lets have lunch once a month? He seems to be thinking more? Maybe if you call him back and kind of explain that you just wanted to keep in touch as friends, instead of letting time slip away with no contact.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I guess, what were your thought processes when you reached out to him in the first place? Like, lets have lunch once a month? He seems to be thinking more? Maybe if you call him back and kind of explain that you just wanted to keep in touch as friends, instead of letting time slip away with no contact.

Hi UnaLuna. I saw him at a get together in October, and it was nice to see him. I remembered we were friends, a long time ago (I was 25, he was like, in his 40s), and he was nice. I thought it would be nice to be friends again. But I have basically changed my mind. I just feel really weird and uncomfortable about all this now.

To some others: I will consider a note. But that feels incredibly juvenile, in a sense. I have no idea what I'd say. I will just give the dvd back to the other friend. Maybe I'll ask her what she might do in my shoes. But I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with just not calling back. I am sure I will see him again at some point too, at get togethers, and he'll ask, and then I'll have to say something. The get togethers I'm talking about are a social group I'm part of. Its through a mental health organization. I don't do much of their get togethers, actually.

I should say, that we got together once since I'd given him my contact info, where he gave me his dvd. ( It smelled and made my purse smell. ) I'm saying this because its not like I just randomly changed my mind. I had time to think about this. Though, I know I don't have to defend myself.

[unaluna]

Starry, i agree you dont have to defend yourself. You certainly do have say in what kind of relationships you have.

I get that it is hard to say no and set limits. It is easier to just cut off the relationship. Why did you accept the dvd? That sounds like something i would do, frankly. Like i would say, no thanks no thanks no thanks, but the other person would insist. Some people just wont accept limits, or its like they WANT to make you feel uncomfortable. I think i missed that on my first reading. Im sorry.

Starry, this is a tough one. One the one hand, I see how you may need to be true to your own feelings and desires, and if your desire is to not call him back, you would want to honor that within yourself. On the other hand, I think not calling him back at all and leaving him hanging with no closure or answers can be cruel to another person. It is a blow off, and that is really hurtful to the other person. You reached out to him in this case to be friends.... in that sense, maybe you owe it to him to be upfront? You could always say that you feel he is more interested and now you feel awkward about being friends and that it's best if you're not anymore? That way, he has an answer, and it won't be as awkward when you do run into him.

@Golden Eve: I knew that this would come up. That it might be seen as cruel by some. But I personally don't see it this way. Nowhere does it say I am responsible for others feelings and if I said "you suck, I don't like you, you smell and weird me out, hence I don't want to be around you." That is my own idea of cruel. So I think everyone has a different idea of what hurtful is. I personally would get the message that someone wasn't interested anymore if I didn't hear back from them. I would feel sad / disappointed, depending on how much I liked them, how much I'd invested, but honestly, I personally would prefer silence than seeing the words "I'm not interested in your friendship." If this was something that he and I had invested into, I can see me calling him to tell him. I'd prefer text, but he doesn't text or have email.

Also, its not about what I "desire" doing. Its about my comfort level. I'm uncomfortable calling him and telling him I changed my mind and am uninterested anymore. Why should I do that (make myself uncomfortable) just to assuage and comfort someone. Again, I don't feel like I'm responsible for making him feel better. Hurtful things happen. But I don't see this as hurtful, and if he does, I have no idea. Perhaps he prefers me not telling him. I don't know and I'm not sure it matters.

I feel like I'm coming from an empowered place. I felt guilty when I posted, but don't really anymore. I do a little, but I think its because I'm nice and have a soul.

[Bill3]

I personally would get the message that someone wasn't interested anymore if I didn't hear back from them. I would feel sad / disappointed, depending on how much I liked them, how much I'd invested, but honestly, I personally would prefer silence than seeing the words "I'm not interested in your friendship."

I agree with you. I understand that silence means lack of interest. I would not like to be told that in so many words under the circumstances you describe.

[QUOTE=starrysky;5997079]@Golden Eve: I knew that this would come up. That it might be seen as cruel by some. But I personally don't see it this way. Nowhere does it say I am responsible for others feelings and if I said "you suck, I don't like you, you smell and weird me out, hence I don't want to be around you." That is my own idea of cruel. So I think everyone has a different idea of what hurtful is. I personally would get the message that someone wasn't interested anymore if I didn't hear back from them. I would feel sad / disappointed, depending on how much I liked them, how much I'd invested, but honestly, I personally would prefer silence than seeing the words "I'm not interested in your friendship." If this was something that he and I had invested into, I can see me calling him to tell him. I'd prefer text, but he doesn't text or have email.

Also, its not about what I "desire" doing. Its about my comfort level. I'm uncomfortable calling him and telling him I changed my mind and am uninterested anymore. Why should I do that (make myself uncomfortable) just to assuage and comfort someone. Again, I don't feel like I'm responsible for making him feel better. Hurtful things happen. But I don't see this as hurtful, and if he does, I have no idea. Perhaps he prefers me not telling him. I don't know and I'm not sure it matters.

I feel like I'm coming from an empowered place. I felt guilty when I posted, but don't really anymore. I do a little, but I think its because I'm nice and have a soul.[/QUOT]

Sorry that I gave bad input or advice. I'll shut up now.

Hey Eve, not at all. Maybe I came off too strong. I just disagreed. I wasn't trying to be hurtful at all. Hugs.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hey Eve, not at all. Maybe I came off too strong. I just disagreed. I wasn't trying to be hurtful at all. Hugs.

Hugs and thanks. Guess I see it differently but I won't insert my opinion. I seem to get burned on here if I do.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Hugs and thanks. Guess I see it differently but I won't insert my opinion. I seem to get burned on here if I do.

I have no intention to burn you at all. Though I really would prefer not to debate.

This is for everyone: Thank you. I really appreciated your replies.

I feel pretty over this right now and better about it. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by starrysky

I have no intention to burn you at all. Though I really would prefer not to debate.

I know u don't .. I wasn't speaking of u. I just get burned on this site all the time. I am glad u feel resolved. That's the main point.