Single again.... maybe for the rest of my life

LOL. Maybe it is BS. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it's just a friends date. I am doing a push/pull thing with him. I guess he probably WILL pick up the check since he asked me to go. I will let him do the talking.. good advice!

I agree on leading a full life. I will make sure I am not always available to him. I won't play games.

It’s a good point about who pays. If you are going out with a friend, then you better split the check. I bet he paid last time, and will pay again. That’s a date. If I am out wuth friend, I wouldn’t allow them to pay for me. I would not let him pay if you truly aren’t dating him.

I agree about listening. If you pay attention you can learn a ton very early on. If you really listened to the previous guys, a lot of heartache could be avoided. Good point Tisha

We've split costs so far... I could offer to split the dinner with him.

Smart move

I'm not saying she (or anyone) play hard to get. What I am saying to not give away all your cookies (or even one) if the man the man doesn't give in return (like a cookie for a cookie). In my experience I have given away too much of myself in hopes that the guy would give back in return, or to keep the relationship going.

Excellent point!

So, about paying for these outings. If you strictly want to show the guy that you are only wanting to be friends, I would suggest that you pay for every other meal or drink or whatever. That way he doesn't get a mental attitude of "I wined and dined her, now she owes me (sex).

I agree. That also sends the message that you are taking your time and not giving him mixed messages. Go slow.

And just an aside— Don’t talk about the exes and how you are hurting.

When I was dating, and yes, my 1950’s mother did groom me to marry, she told me, “Act like you just fell off a Christmas tree.” Lol

What she taught me worked like a charm. And I wish I had maintained it. Opening up and telling my h my past and all my stuff was not good looking back.

Man..this midlife dating is complicated stuff , my head hurts after reading all that advice , you may need to take a file on this non date 😝
All written out of concern and from past pain I'm sure .
When I play golf I overthink everything . Write so many swing thoughts on my glove my brain goes into paralysis .... now I only write one thing on there that I see just before I swing "smile"
I hope you enjoy your non date and have a stimulating evening of great conversation and laughs .

. Sure no need to be “open books” at all times (my therapist likes the phrase), but I don’t believe it’s wise to hide truth about yourself from your spouse or anyone you are serious about. Saying that, I agree that it ain’t cute to talk about exes and how they hurt you on the first date.

Well, not hide, but I didn’t need to be so open about all my past. Over time in our marriage, I told him about exes and issues because our relationship was struggling and I was reaching for reasons. Here I am, even still back and forth, minute by minute, PTSD. Maybe keeping all that to myself may have been a better way to go.

See, Eve, once you do establish the relationship with Mr. Right, keeping the relationship healthy is a challenge too!

It’s not just midlife dating. Any age dating is just like your golf swing!

I agree on paying for at least half of any outings, or switching off. I want to get to know him more at this dinner, so I wont' talk as much (and certainly not about my ex's!) and will let him talk since I can barely hear him when we've gone out to clubs.

Man, all this relationship stuff is complicated! It's not easy, especially for someone like me who makes poor choices and wrong steps all the time!!

Eve,

I also have made poor choices and fell for narcissistic men by and large, why do you think you make poor choices and wrong steps all the time?

I made a mistake that if I slept with someone for months that must mean we were in a relationship and therefore I was "Not Alone" [which could be a substitute for "Not Single", or it might not, idk...]

and I felt better because I was "Not Alone". I wanted so much to be in a relationship that I didn't look past that to their underlying character, or indeed I was attracted to narcissistic types (I doubt that would be true anymore, I have no idea what type I could be attracted to now which is kind of weird being 54).

I think it is an underlying confusion about what being in a relationship means, or maybe not a full relationship but at least "Not Single"...

I believe my underlying confusion about basic terms is why i made the same types of poor choices over and over again.

So the problem is really not the choices but the thoughts and ideas about really simple things, like what does it mean to be single. Is the first thought, oh I don't want that feeling of being alone forever, or is that thought there when evaluating mates or

do we really want to be in a long term relationship or not.

Your recent choices were good ones: you got rid of unemployed, stealing, fiancé. You got rid of cheating guy. And you have a V day date with someone new who interests you. There is plenty of time to see a therapist and work on yourself meanwhile. You are moving forward and if getting a h is what you want, you will surely do it.

Tecomsin, I just have fallen into relationships rather than evaluating FIRST whether the person is worthy of me or not. I haven't taken those steps to really evaluate a person and to get to know their character BEFORE committing myself... I have sometimes gotten involved too fast, I've had sex too soon, I've declared love too quickly, I've done everything wrong!! Argh.

TY! Thank you for pointing out the positives, I really appreciate that.

I think for me the longer I am "alone", sorry I don't like the word "single", I don't know why, I just don't, but it does start getting very discouraging. You do start to believe that there is nobody out there for you. It's not so much a jealousy thing for me to see other women with someone, but it does annoy me at some point when I see much heavier women than me that have their flab hanging all out, and do not know how to carry themselves, believe me I see it all too often. They have someone or with blue, green, pink, purple or whatever color hair. That's where I start to question society. Here I'm thinking how did they meet, or what is it about me that nobody finds appealing? I have natural medium brown hair, and nothing is fake about me.

I don’t understand connection between hair color/weight and dating. Ton of upstanding citizens and kind people are overweight or dye their hair in crazy colors.

Hi Deb, I think I get you...questioning and comparing, trying to understand why we'normalish' types seem to overlooked, or averagish type.
I think we can flip this around though, we can guess all sorts of things about why other people are partnered up, and not us. But, whats glaringly obvious is that looks are not what make it happen. Face it, we live in a time where all of our old fashioned ideas don't get us what we need and want, dating is about putting yourself out there, knowing and being proud of who you are, and hopefully looking for the person who likes you for who you are too. AmIright?
Listen to me, miss too scared to date for myself but handing out advice to others like I know all about it.
I have been watching though, and I can see that the people who take the time to build themselves up won't waste a minute with someone who isn't good for them, and they can see them right away too. It used to take me a long time before I would finally realize that this was not for me, and was toxic. But, I am working on pulling myself together, not because I hope for a good relationship for once in my life, but because I am hurt too much by the way it's been.

If someone is very lonely and moving far too fast, is this a red flag?

Personally I think it is, only because I am talking from experience. That being said, when my loneliness has overwhelmed me and I rushed things along with someone out of desperation, it usually ended up blowing up in my face. (He thought I was too clingy, needy and psycho, which granted I might have been a bit of all three).

Just out of curiosity, why are you asking? Is he the lonely one moving too fast, or are you?

TY. My gut is telling me it's a red flag. He's moving too fast, not me - my new male friend. I am trying to take my time with dating and not rush into anything right now. I am still trying to heal myself and get stable on my own two feet. The last thing I need is to rush into a relationship, so I am trying to avoid this. He knows this, but he's rushing things.