[Jenn1fer82]

It worries me that when my good friend came to me and said that he actually enjoys fighting with me because it is the only way he knows how to express himself. We consider ourselves as very good friends and met in college. He's been there for me for many intimate issues dealing with hard family and dating issues. When it comes to getting to know one another's personally traits and what bothers us we get into these horrible fights. We would scream and yell over the phone and it is so exhausting. The main problem that I have with him is that he tends to not understands that his actions affects other people and he needs to think before he say and does anything. Many times he's offended me and the pattern starts with me confronting him and the fighting starts all over again. He gets defensive and I'm trying to express my feelings and it’s an hour into the fighting it’s not getting anywhere. I'll end up hanging up on him and later on in the night we'll talk things over.

He said that it’s not really the fighting that he likes but how we resolve things. It’s the resolution and how we become closer that he likes. I ask him can't we get to know one another with out all the fighting. I told him that I've explained to him many times what bothers me and he continues to forget it and I'll just get my feelings hurt all over again. Sometimes I really feel like we are fighting as though we're like a couple. He said that he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings unless its after we're done fighting.

I find it so selfish and it’s a way for him a seek attention from me. I sometimes feel like he would provoke a fight to stir something in our friendship. Sometimes our friendship is so overwhelming.

[Junerain]

For Jennifer,

You sound exhausted. It sounds like the fighting is a much repeated 'pattern..' You have to ask yourself if it's a pattern that helps or hinders, even make a list of the pros and cons of the friendship. The way you describe his lack of accountability for his actions and words sounds a bit on the dangerous side. Write us more? Thinking of you, Junerain

[Doh2007]

My husband and I had to learn how to resolve issues without the emotional content. Even if there are strong emotions at first, they don't have to get in the way of resolving an issue.

We couldn't have done it without a counsellor. But now, we recognize that it is our reaction to something that happens that causes the emotional component. There is actually a thought that precedes the reaction. By saying, "I saw (heard, felt, etc.) you do this. Then I thought, ...... whatever. Then it made me hurt, angry, etc. What I need from you is ..... (explain, hear me, do this in the future, etc.)

And if the other person learned how to do this, actual issues are resolved and the emotions don't scar.

I hope you find relief from your distress. Best wishes.

[newlife07]

This sounds like a relationship that may not be healthy anymore. When fighting is the only way that two people can communicate, sometimes you have to evaluate how the communication brokedown, if it can be fixed, and really ; if it is worth fixing. I am currently "stuck" in a pattern of constant bickering with my husband and have chosen to physically separate to avoid causing more damage to our relationship while we both go to individual counseling to work on our own issues. Sometimes when fighting you are too close to the trees to see the forest ( or see the larger picture.) Good Luck

[EJ711]

Jenn1fer,

That is an interesting admission.

EJ