[whisperingskye]

So, two and a bit years ago I met someone in hospital. We became really good friends. We ended up being discharged on the same day and spent a lot of time together out in the real world.

I have been there for her, always. I have done so much to help her, literally dropped everything to help her in a crisis.

Recently she accused me of being a bad friend. Mainly I think this is out of jealousy as I’m in a new relationship, but she feels that I am not there for her anymore. It’s difficult as she is now living far away. One of the reasons I am a bad friend is because I’m too busy working. Or I’m with my girlfriend.

Obviously, I cannot help that i have a life that goes on while she is not here.

I know that she struggles with her mental health and that’s probably where a lot of the insecurities come from, but at the same time she called me a bad friend. And I just can’t move on from that. Every time I think about her now it makes me angry. I’m struggling to move on from what she said. I told her I need some time and space to think things through, and then she messaged me again today which just made me angry again.

Am I meant to forgive and forget? I really don't know how. I am very close to just cutting all ties with her, but maybe that isn’t the answer either. I’m just not sure what I should do at this point.

What would you do in this situation?

[tecomsin]

I lost a friend who also has schizoaffective disorder because for a while I thought he was a bad friend even though he had dropped everything to help me when I needed it. I really regret that I couldn't see through the state of unhappiness that I was in at the time and see my part in my own unhappiness.

I've since reached out to be friends again but he wants nothing more to do with me so the friendship is lost, probably for good and I'm sad about it. Sometimes the illness has taken over and that does wreck friendships.

[~Christina]

You don’t have to forgive.

What you need to do is focus on your own mental health.

I would probably send a text saying something like , since I am not the friend you would like and need me to be I think we need to stop communicating. I wish you well.

The end.. and don’t respond to her reply which I imagine one will come. Block and delete all contact with her for your own well being.

Since she lives far away you won’t have to worry about running into her.

Put yourself first.

[whisperingskye]

I’m very tempted to send her message saying I can’t be her friend anymore, but then maybe that is me living up to the bad friend label she pinned on me. Honestly I don’t have the energy for her anymore. I don’t need to be second guessing myself. I have been fighting the urge to block her for the last week or so, but I haven’t because i wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do or not.

[Bill3]

I read a quote today which comes to mind now.

Don't take it personally when someone hates you. What they hate is that you are what they wish that they themselves would be.

[eskielover]

Maybe just say something like:

Distance & life has made it impossible for me to be the kind of friend you expect out if me. Maybe now is a good time for us to go in our own directions. I enjoyed the friendship we shared but life paths take different directions & that is where it is today.

I would honestly just write off what she said to her mental illness. My mom wasn't mentally ill but had her issues & I was always writing off what she said to "just mom" & go on with my life. I now understand just how dysfunctional she was even without a mental illness...sometimes it's just not worth holding onto things people say.

[Rose76]

I think you may have nailed it by citing "jealousy," as her main problem. Prior to you having the new girlfriend, you could prioritize the friendship you made in the hospital. She wishes it could be that way still.

I think we have to be careful about the precedents we set with people, especially people who are very needy. She developed a dependency on you. You were okay with that when you didn't have something better to do. Maybe you felt like you were just helping her get over a hump post-discharge. But her neediness is turning out to be an on-going thing. It could consume more of your life than you can reasonably devote to her. So she is very disappointed because she would have liked things to be as they were when you both first got out of the hospital.

Could it be that she got to kind of thinking of you as her boyfriend? I'm not saying you led her on . . . at least not knowingly, or intentionally. I keep seeing threads in this forum where a supposedly platonic friendship between two people of opposite genders becomes problematic when one of them has a significant other. I think that's bound to happen. Ideally we like to think that it's okay to have cross-gender friends. Practically speaking, though, it tends to not work out without someone feeling slighted. You really have to beware of making a person of opposite gender feel very special, if you don't have a romantic interest in the relationship. From what you say, I hear that she isn't assuming that you were more than "a friend," but her neediness indicates she had come to be somewhat possessive of your attention. The question is: What do you do now?

First of all, I think you have to recognize the role you played in creating this situation. Right now you feel put upon and see yourself as having been wronged. You consider whether she merits your forgiveness. Pardon me, but I think that's a little cold. Maybe you are the person who should be asking her for some forgiveness. You fostered her becoming emotionally dependent on you, but now you are finding that she's become a nuisance. That's exactly what needy people do. It may be that you simply lacked the experience in life to see this coming. That's forgivable. It sounds like you meant well. But this is a valuable learning experience for you, if you are mature enough to let it be that. So I would say: Put aside your resentment and take a gentler stance. I'm in no way saying you should go back to lavishing the time and attention on her that you gave her before. That was a mistake, in the first place . . . but it was a mistake on your part. So put aside the irritation you feel and begin a process of disengaging from this woman that is compassionate and that involves you taking some responsibility. No matter how you do it, she's going to be unhappy. That can't be helped, but you have to do it. But don't be unnecessarily mean about it.

Explain to her that you are sorry she came to depend so much on you. Tell her you wish her well, but that she needs to find other sources of support. Maybe you could invite her to join your new girlfriend and you for coffee, or ice cream, some afternoon. That's not going to appeal very much to her, which is kind of good. It helps her see that she is the one wanting more than normal friendship. You could let her stay in touch, but within limits.

That brings me to my next point. I don't think there really is any good way for a guy to continue in a "friendship" with an emotionally needy young woman who does not have a significant other of her own. If she had a boyfriend, then maybe she and he could socialize with you and your girlfriend. That could be appropriate, and you could all be friends. But she is alone, while you are not. So it's really not going to work out. She needs more from you than you need from her. There is no real reciprocity. Basically, you are going to have to unload this gal. That's what it boils down to, I think. Try to be as courteous about it as you can . . . and learn from the experience.

[Crazy Hitch]

She may have said something off the cuff with not much prethought / not much behind it. Some people just don't think before they speak. Doesn't make what she said right, but perhaps you should have a chat with her and tell her how you're feeling before cutting ties.

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

So, two and a bit years ago I met someone in hospital. We became really good friends. We ended up being discharged on the same day and spent a lot of time together out in the real world.

I have been there for her, always. I have done so much to help her, literally dropped everything to help her in a crisis.

Recently she accused me of being a bad friend. Mainly I think this is out of jealousy as I’m in a new relationship, but she feels that I am not there for her anymore. It’s difficult as she is now living far away. One of the reasons I am a bad friend is because I’m too busy working. Or I’m with my girlfriend.

Obviously, I cannot help that i have a life that goes on while she is not here.

I know that she struggles with her mental health and that’s probably where a lot of the insecurities come from, but at the same time she called me a bad friend. And I just can’t move on from that. Every time I think about her now it makes me angry. I’m struggling to move on from what she said. I told her I need some time and space to think things through, and then she messaged me again today which just made me angry again.

Am I meant to forgive and forget? I really don't know how. I am very close to just cutting all ties with her, but maybe that isn’t the answer either. I’m just not sure what I should do at this point.

What would you do in this situation?

It doesn't sound like you want to be in a relationship with her anymore, because you're moving on your own way.
But I'll still ask - do you still love hanging out with her?

[whisperingskye]

First let me say that I am in fact female, and this was never about her being attracted to me or wanting something more out of our friendship.

Maybe I was wrong in asking if I should forgive her. And while I know her mental health probably played a part in her saying what she did, it is still hard for me to move on, because it hurt. I’m not deliberately holding onto it and making her out to be the bad one in this, but I have always seen myself as a good friend, not just to her but other friends also. I am always there for them, will drop anything if they need me.

I don’t think I was wrong in being supportive and being there for her, thats what friends are for. I saw her as one of my best friends....

Honestly I think our friendship maybe waned a bit, even before I got in a relationship. The distance between us hasn’t helped, but also that space made me see how it was a very one sided friendship. It was all take take take and she didn’t offer a lot back. And I guess I’m a little bitter about that too. There were times when she definitely used me. Or tried to at least.

It sucks, because we did have some good times. But for now I can’t keep up the friendship. Maybe that will change in time, but it’s not fair for me to act like we are still really good friends when this is constantly playing on my mind and making me angry/upset. She did also try manipulating me into staying her friend and that’s not cool at all....

[Open Eyes]

From what you have shared it sounds like you gave a lot of your time to this woman and invested a lot of efforts when it came to being there to fill her needs. Sadly, some times a person can get so they feel entitled and that is what they begin to expect from the relationship and can be a person that doesn't consider all you have done, but what you are providing them "right now". And when you can't do something "now" unfortunately some people base the entire quality of the relationship on that which is what this woman did with you when she said you are a bad friend. Yes, that can hurt because you know you gave her a lot. IMHO, her behavior is really saying that "she" is the one that is a bad friend and this is the kind of friend that is better to cut loose from.

[Rose76]

This young woman may be a bottomless pit of need. That's how she sounds to me. To someone like that, you can never meet her definition of being "a good friend," unless you revolve your life completely around her. No one with an ounce of sense would advise you to do that. Your own sense tells you her neediness has become unreasonable. So you have to go by your own common sense.

It is unfortunate that you expended a lot of time, caring and energy on someone who fails to give you the credit you deserve. But that's who she is . . . and she's not likely to change. So, for the sake of your own sanity, you have to distance yourself from her.

It's very hurtful to go so far out of your way for someone and then be told you didn't give enough. Of course you're hurt. But this is valuable feedback you are getting from her. She's not looking to be your friend, but more like a parasite, sucking the life out of you, giving little back (if anything.) So you chalk it up to a lesson learned. You good-heartedly went all in for a person you thought you knew, but you didn't really know. The only way you really know someone is after a good deal of time experiencing things with them. Now enough time and experience has occurred that you see her in a different light from how you did. So you have the right to adjust your level of involvement, based on what you now know. You may need to dial it back to zero. You have that right. It's disappointing for it to turn out this way.

How she's acting may be the only way she knows how to be. No wonder she was back in crisis soon after discharge, needing all kind of support from you. That's likely to happen again - fairly soon . . . and then repeatedly. She probably doesn't have other friends to call on because she probably drove others away. Don't be shocked, if she starts playing emotional blackmail with you. You're likely to get a call or a message where she states that she is in danger of harming herself . . . and she needs you to save her. (You think you have trouble now with her.) Don't let your state of mind be governed by whatever guilt trip she feels like sending you on. That's an express ticket to crazy land.

So do what you need to do to safeguard your own recovery. That's what you are responsible for.

[damonkeydog]

Your friend is probably hurting because your current situation prevents you from spending time with each other the way you used to. I've been through this situation before where I've been the one without a partner and I really missed hanging out with my friend. However, it is possible to make it work. Despite the distance you can keep in touch in other ways aside from in person meet ups. Try to talk to your friend and give it another chance. If your friend doesn't want to continue the friendship at least you gave it a try and showed that you care.