Just call me flipping Ms Fix It

Thanks eskie - I am miserable to be honest. But this is not something I would break up with him over but it IS something that needs to change.

Thanks Open Eyes. I like the way that you have explained this. It makes a lot of sense - "entitlement".

He has told me (in unrelated conversations when we've been chatting) that his mother did absolutely everything for him. Picked up his dishes and washed them; picked up his clothes off his bedroom floor and wash them etc etc

Haha this one actually made me chuckle. It rings so true. "Selective abilities" Love it!

This reminded me of a conversation I had with him this morning. Tomorrow night I'm back home late from work so I have frozen sausages in the freezer and I've bought a premade sauce pack that you throw over them. I asked him this morning if he wants me to defrost the sausages so he can use them tomorrow night and he looked at me with this confused expression like I'd just asked him to solve all the problems of the universe and said "I don't know how to do that". Could he not just have said instead "Can you please explain to me how to cook them ? "

I've had to pay the deposit and the first month's rent so that's a "loan" to him ...

Cleaning - well I just left his clothes in the washing basket for a week and told him I'm not washing his clothes because he never turned the machine on and then when I had washed, tumble dried and folded his clothes into piles he'd just pick them up and toss them in the cupboard. Food prep - I cook 4 nights a week; he cooks 3.

"Cooks". He will cook the one night; but cook enough for us for the next night so he doesn't have to cook 2x a week. On the 3rd night he gets take away; so yeah - he doesn't "cook" more than 1 night a week.

You may be onto something here. I get your not just throwing that label out there.

When I would tell my H something he would look at me like I had just spoken to him in a foreign language. He needed to be taught absolytely EVERYTHING he did in life & could never figure it oyt in his own (except for maybe things in his work) but he even got in trouble there when he was sure he figured it out right but wasn't even close to what was required, he would argue that he was right.

Yes, I don't throw that dx around llightly, only use ut ehere it applies after years of research after leaving him because I needed to know what I had been dealing with all my 33 years of married & living with him life. It came across as abuseful behaviors on his part much of the time & definitely emotionally neglectful but at times it felt like I was the one being abuseful especially when I felt the need tobtreat him like a child just to communicate with him & try to get him to understand what I was saying & asking him to do.

I understand your frustration but honestly if it is ASD, it wkn't get better & it seemed to get worse with older age in my case.

I wish you the best with your difficult situation

Introduce him to YouTube. He can learn anything he needs to know on there. Or when he says “well I don’t know how to fix it” then you can reply “well this is your perfect opportunity to learn”.

It sounds like if you don’t put your foot down you are going to be in a very one sided relationship where you’re taken for granted.

Is there a tiny part of you that feels like you don’t want to say no? Or a tiny part that likes being the person who can fix everything? Just wondering why you’re allowing this to continue. You deserve better.

Thanks eskie. I have to be so careful with my wording of things and really spell out in detail and explain the littlest of things to him. His verbal skills aren't great and nor are his picking up on social cues either! Those two I did know going in to the relationship. What surprises me is that my partner was never diagnosed for autism (albeit I believe he is high functioning) as a child. His son has severe autism - almost to the point of non verbal and requires a full time integration aide with him at school.

Thanks sass! I like the suggestion you and moreta have regarding the youtube videos. That's a start. By the way he is completely useless at putting ikea furniture together - he absolutely can not follow instructions.

I'm definitely not allowing this to continue. We're nearing 6 weeks of living together and last night when I made this post ... I had completely cracked. Enough. Is Enough lol.

Don't know his age but high functioning autism (aspergets as it was called) wasn't even known about in the US to diagnose until 1994. My H at that time was in his mid 40's

That was wjen I started goung to therapy after having a breakdown in 1994. I found it amazing that even thpugh he went to all my T appointments at the end & we had therapy together & the behaviors were quite obviously causing serious oroblems in our marriage that the T didnt catch it either. After I left the marriage, I required letters from both because of the mess my H made with the IRS (back taxes issue) he totally ignored the letter from the IRS because he had no idea what to do & never told me about the letter but the back taxes were on MY inheritance money. Anyway the letters from our PDOC especially indicated that he knew there was something more wrong with my H than just adult ADD but that he ignored the suggestion to go to a neuroligist for testing. To this day he is still sticking his head in the sand about finding out what more is wrong. He went a year without paying the house payment & CLAIMED he didn't realize it had been that long...like late notices didn't give him a clue?

When I first left & went to a new T in the state I moved to & was explaining ALL I had dealt with throughout my marriage the furst thing he said was, "I can't diagnose without him being here BUT those behaviors all seem very much like Asperger's".

It was actually several years later after he let the house go into foreclosure the first time that I actually bought an oytstanding guide to Aspergers & started researching the behaviors. I checked off almist every behavior as being something I experienced in him or his mom saidvabout him as a kid. What really hit me was that these behaviors actually explained my own dad perfectly too. No wknder why I had thought this was NORMAL in all marriages but it was very aggrivating to me because my personality wasn't easy going like my mom & I had little time or patience with my career life to deal with it. I wanted a team marriage unlike that of my parents & spelled it out before the wedding in hopes he wouldbget the picture of my requirements & back out before the wedding. I saw the red flage but thoyght if I set the ground rules up front he will either get them or decide he didn't want that kind of marriage. He actually agreed to EVERYTHING. Come to find out, he didnt understand the meaning of what I said & was sure I would change after we got married. Dealing with him was like banging my head into a block wall for 33 years ehich waswhy I hid out im my career & enjoyed working 80 hour weeks to avoud being around him only enoygh to find out what messes I needed to clean up while at work.

Spectrum issues like thisvare ALL DIFFERENT. Each one is unique but it is impirtant to understand your uniwue situation & determine if it is really something you can deal with long term. Being friends is a lit different than living with it 24/7 in one's life....but we also have our own different toletance levels which all play a part in the success or failure of the relationship in regards to dealing with those difficult behaviors.

Hi! I am not sure where you are headed with this relationship and perhaps children are not in the future plans, but it sounds like he won't be of much help if/when they do come along.

Thanks for sharing and opening up about your experiences with your ex. It's pretty full on what your ex did. This is all new territory to me. I mean I teach kids with aspergers ,sure, and I have a lot of patience for them. But THIS is totally different when I'm living in a relationship with the man. And having moved in together merely highlights some of the complexity just that much more. 2 nights ago I had just lost complete and all patience. I didn't have it within me.

I think I needed to snap and I think I may have made my point with him - that I'm simply not going to put up with certain behaviours. Giving up / not helping / walking off after 2 minutes claiming he just has no idea - not good enough.

I hope this is something I can live with. Yes it's pretty annoying, sometimes, but at the same time there are still lots of endearing qualities about my partner. I really do want to make this work.

We had failed IVF last year - cost $$$$$$$$$$$ ....

i tried for 33 years. Tons of blow ups & ultimatiums before finally losing it. I felt so trapped those last 13 years because financialli I had no way out & he fought divorce....he finally told me why....."because it would make him look likeva failure"....he didnt give a darn about me or the marriage. I got so depressed living like that , that suicide became my only choice. I tried more times than I can even remember not trying to get him to listen but because I just wanted OUT!!!! Well obviously I wasn't successful though came close several times but now I am thankful I wasn't successful because lufe wirhout him has become amazing & the first time living on my own.

The point of being pushed to the anger point of seeing red scared me right before I left. He started iff with some sice stuff thrown in but mistly life wirh him was just totally stressful. I firced him to care for our daughter when first born because I had a c-section & never connected with babies in tje first place. He had been the oldest of 4 kids so he knew how to care for babies so he had no choice because I had no interest in caring for a baby. The things I totally refused to do, he did some of them....other things just wemt undone until their problem became a priority I had to handle. It got worse as years passed & my tolerance wore thin. Most don't expect what I expected in my marriage relationship especially not back in the 70's but it never grew & there was no emotional connection though I guess he thought there was & forget communication. It was continually like I was married to a child & he was PROUD of being like that always bosting "I'm a toys RUs kid I will never grow up" cute maybe when 22 but definitely not attractive at 55.

Your partner may be higher functioning is certain areas that make it tolerable compared to what I experienced since spectrum disorders are so very individual anyway & so are our tolerance levels.

beware about having kids because this can definitely be inherited or at least the tendency toward it...just something to think about. Caring for a H & a child would double the stress.

I know you will work out what is BEST FOR YOU. Knowingbwhat we are dealing with I think can help because all those years before leaving & finding out what I had been dealing wirh I just thought he was being abusive with his behaviors & doing it all intentionally. Now I know I still would NEVER go back to living like that again but it has helped mebrid my feelings of hate & anger toward him & niw look at his behaviors understandingbwhete they are coming from. Just wish he would get diagnosed because he needs a cinservator orvat leastva payee & that can't be gotten with just a dx of adult ADD ehich is something that goes along quite iften with ASD.

Hi Hitch, sorry to read you are having frustrations.

I think reading your last few posts it does sound like your partner may have some kind of organisational problem, particularly when you write he can't put flat pack together.

Yes, it's totally different teaching kids in your professional life with learning impairments and living with a partner in your personal life who may also have impairments - your expectations will be different.

My h has a past TBI and recovered well, so well in fact I often forget that he does have some organisational issues, he can do some things but others (a string of instructions) prove more challenging - it's his 'executive function' which it sounds like with your partner too maybe. I have had to adjust my expectations of him, he can still do stuff it's just it requires some planning (for instance writing down instructions for preparing a meal), it is about forward planning, which can be a pain (& I often still get it wrong & assume he can do things he can't) but it helps him a lot.

Terribly sorry about that. I know that it is costly. My brother and his wife went through three rounds. They eventually adopted.

Eskie I think some of your exes behaviour is so beyond bizarre I have no words. As for some of his comments they are beyond ludicrous. I know sometimes I have thought he does it intentionally but then I remind myself it’s part of his make up.

Sorry I’m on my phone and it’s just deleted half of what I’ve typed grrrr