Boyfriend Didn't Accept or Appreciate the Birthday Gift I Got Him

I've been with my bf for about 4yrs now and we also live together. He's my dad's caregiver and really helped me get through some tough times. He's an amazing boyfriend, but when it comes to appreciating or even accepting any gifts I get him, he's confusing and awful at it. Most of the time I get him gifts, he doesn't show appreciation for it and at times will even tell me he prefers money over a gift.

Besides Valentine's Day today, it's also his 24th birthday. I planned for months that I wanted to do something very special for him to show him how thankful I am. Since we don't get much alone time due to my dad living with us, I thought it would be a great idea to surprise him with a hotel room on this beautiful lake. Today he kept making comments about how if I was getting him a present he would just prefer cash. I've been planning this for 3 months and saving money from my job for some time on the side. Besides the hotel, I planned two days of fun events to do together.

I told him how much it hurt when he said that since I had been saying for weeks I worked really hard on putting his surprise together. He kind of pressured me into telling him what the surprise was and I finally gave in. Instead of being happy, he seemed upset and kept telling me how I should just cancel it. It really hurt as I've been working extra shifts trying to raise some extra cash to save on the side despite having poor health the last month.

He told me he would have rather just had the money again. All my gifts have always been things he's asked for in the past. It's not like they're gifts he doesn't like. Sometimes I do give him money/a gift card instead. I just thought it would be nice to get away from our stressful life and spend some quality time together. He never once even said thank you or showed that he at least appreciated it. Did I honestly do something wrong by trying to go all out for his bday? He's making me feel that way and when he acts like this it confuses me so much.

He doesn't like surprises.
He doesn't like gifts.
He doesn't appreciate how much effort you put into you doing something, in your way, for him.
You like giving gifts.

Neither of you learned from the other. Ideally, you would have found other ways to show appreciation. And he would have learned to appreciate your gifts because they are yours, even though he doesn't like gifts in general.

It is impossible for me, and probably for everyone else, to understand why this is happening. Is he really annoyed that you went through all this trouble for him, when he would have much rather have it that you didn't stress our yourself so much for this? Maybe in his mind, it hurts him that you went through so much trouble the last 3 months.
Maybe it hurts him that you weren't able to understand that he doesn't like gifts, doesn't like surprises, and doesn't like spending effort and money on something that is largely symbolic and lasts only 2 days. I mean, you say you went 'all out' on something he already didn't like in the past. You thought that by going 'all out', it would be ok when it wouldn't if it was just a normal gift?
What are his goals for saving cash? If he has specific financial goals and he likes to work on that with you together, and you work really hard but then act in opposition to those goals he thought the two of you shared, that may also be troubling to him.

I have not been really positive about what you did. But that is because you asked the question here. If he had posted here with his side of the story, I would press him into why he is unable to appreciate all this. It was his decision to turn your gift into a battle ground over something where the two of you have different views.

Also, you don't say what he said after you told him how much it hurt. Next sentence you say 'he told me to cancel it'. But I assume that is not how the conversation went, right? "It hurts me so much that I worked so hard for this gift, and now you do not want to accept it." And then him: "Ok, then just cancel it. Problem solved!" I doubt it went that way, so maybe you can tell us his response to you saying that this was hurtful to you.

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. You put a lot of time and effort into your thoughtful gift. People like to give and receive love in different ways. Some people like tangible gifts, some people like acts of service, such as having a nice meal cooked for them, some would just prefer time alone with the one that they love. You need to figure out what he sees as 'love'. I suggest that you read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Well.. have you asked him WHY he doesn't like it? Did he just feel like you sacrificed yourself too much for this present? It seems weird he didn't even thank you, but first I think it's important to know why he's acting this way.

"Neither of you have learned from the other." ~ thx Talthybius, I think this very well said. This is a mess that goes both ways. Of course you are disappointed but you knew going in and making these plans that they would not be appreciated.

Perhaps next time just ask. You could also explain that getting him a gift is a sign of your own appreciation. "I would really like to observe your birthday with a gift, what would you like?"

There is another matter here. Just why does he prefer the cash? What circumstances is he facing that he would wish it this way? Is receiving money a matter of necessity?

Its not acceptable at all. It is never okay to be unappreciative of a thoughtful gift. One valentines day I had a boyfriend who got me a hideous sweater. I thanked him and wore it. Its called manners and being gracious. If it was me I would go without him and enjoy the weekend.

My first thought was what does he want to do with cash?Maybe I shouldn't say this but many drug addicts ask for and request cash instead of gifts.

'Most' people are very gracious when it comes to receiving gifts.I have received many hideous ones through the years,ones I would never use,never wear and wouldn't want.But since the person giving them has obviously thought about me and took the time to get me one,I am grateful and gracious.

If it was my BF,I think I would skip gift giving for awhile,not out of spite,but why bother if he's going to act that way about it?And if he asks why I would politely tell him he never seems happy with what I get him and I don't feel comfortable giving cash.

I wonder whether in general you feel that he gives you enough attention.

A gift is supposed to be something the recipient would like. There must be some bizarre reason why he hates gifts and asks his gf for cash. I’d be bummed that with this bf, you are never going to get what YOU enjoy, which is giving and getting thoughtful gifts.

You mention that your boyfriend is wonderful in other respects so it looks like gift giving is the one bone of contention. He has made it clear that he doesn't want gifts besides cash. I'd stick with that for awhile and try to find out more about how he feels on the subject.

For instance, he could feel it puts and undue obligation on him. He might feel it puts an obligation on him. Or maybe he was disappointed when he was a child and didn't get gifts, or it could be that he feels you don't have the money for those things, or it could be some of the other possibilities mentioned already...

It's disappointing for you since you enjoy giving and receiving gifts. Our partners are not always fully compatible. Maybe he would enjoy smaller, symbolic gifts, or even a card to show you thought about him. I would try to talk it out and just accept that you may have an incompatibility here.

Some people prefer to receive cash or gift cards to places they like, because then they can choose what to buy and will know 100% that they will enjoy it. I don't see anything wrong with that personally.

I think it's fantastic that you thought of these plans and worked hard to make them a reality. However, it would do well in the future to think if the recipient would appreciate the gift. Your partner seems to have said to you before that he doesn't care for surprises, and prefers cash over a gift. So it should not have surprised you that he reacted the way that he did. Open communication and understanding does wonders for a relationship, but it has to happen on both sides.

This is excellent advice. I understand that you really like giving your boyfriend these kinds of gifts because you want to show you care. However, when we give gifts, we have to think about what the recipient likes. Your boyfriend just doesn’t like surprises or expensive gifts. Luckily, he does tell you what he wants so next time you can do something to show him that you listen and care— get him the gift card/cash he asks for! I can relate to this situation because I’m like your boyfriend. I HATE it every year when my family gives me an elaborate, expensive gift that I explicitly said I don’t want. It’s a constant fight because I want to return it because I hate it and it PAINS me to see money wasted. It makes me so upset!!! I can’t understsnd why my family won’t listen and get me a nice card that says they care (and I wouldn’t turn down a gift card!) But, every year, without fail, I get the same kind of elboatate gift my SISTER likes. It makes me feel like my family doesn’t listen to me or accept me for who I am! It would mean so much to me if they listened and gave me what I asked for instead. Sometimes the best way to show someone you care is to LiSTEN to them and do what THEY like. I know you probably want a nice night in a hotel, but maybe you can ask for that for your birthday, when it’s your special day. On his birthday, do what he wants.

Does this post back last summer you made still what your living conditions are like now?
https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...e-anymore.html

You said your father wasn't like this before his heart attacks & coma. I am wondering if he had some lack of oxygen to the brain while all this was going on because that woould explain the change in personality.

Your living conditions can explain much even in this thread. Yiyr BF was a LDR before he came to help you care for your dad. Did you really know much about him before moving in together to care for your dad?

It must have felt horrible to have a planned romantic get away so easily dismissed.

Has he opened up about what it is about his life story that causes such unwillingness to be the recipient of gift giving?

And what would he prefer cash for? I know someone that recoils on gifts but doesn't demand cash in lieu of gifts, just the gift aspect in general is triggering. Not that they don't say thank you at least. But also once that line is drawn, it's about respecting their wishes.

To ask for cash as a gift from your gf is ridiculous. What will he do with it? Take out someone else?

I read the opening post in the thread that Eskielover linked to. Is your financial situation still as difficult as it was? My SO and I manage to pay the bills, but not much more beyond that. Sometimes he offers to pay for me to get a massage, or get me something as a gift, and I say that if he has spare money, I would prefer he give me cash instead. BUT, he knows that this money would go toward bills and serve the purpose of leaving me/us some breathing room.

Honestly it frustrates me when my SO wants to spend money on a gift or a trip when we’re living paycheck to paycheck. I would much rather spend a small amount of money on a little treat, and then worry less about making rent when the first of the month comes.

I mention this in case it fits your situation— don’t know if it does.

Have you ever given him cash instead of a gift ??! If so does he show you what he used it for ?

I would be really upset if I planned such a lovely trip and him to be upset, I’m so so sorry this happened to you

I think this is awful
Do you know how many people would be soooooooo grateful for this gift. I got a lump in my throat reading this