Any advice for my daughter and I

So this is the first time I have done something like this.. I am a single mom of the great kids 11 9 and almost 7.. However me and my oldest have got a lot of the same mental health diagnosis.. Over Christmas break we had to have her hospitalized cause she had an incident and tried to stab herself.. She was released after 7 days.. Unfortunately she became someone that wasn't my daughter.. My kids were raised with manners and respect and picked up after them selves slightly argued but this new kid wasnt my kid.. She expected to get what ever she wanted when she wanted it, everyone to worship her, the whole 9 yards.. Well the more I would call her out on her games and crap the worse her attitude towards me got.. She even kicked me in the chest twice.. I eventually had to spank her.. I don't like spanking my kids.. Once I spanked her she started screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs " someone help me, call the cops.." Its extremely hard being bipolar depression having anxiety and ptsd and function yourself. Its even harder when ya got a mini mi fighting you even harder.. Shes bipolar has anxiety and ptsd too.. She pushed my limits that day.. She pushed them hard.. I had to walk away and call my grandma to come get her so all three of my kids didn't end up in foster care or I ended up in jail.. Even though she isn't around me anymore I guess her attitude still hasnt improved.. She would tell me that she hated her life and wanted to die cause no one understands how she feels and what she's going through... I told my daughter things I never told anybody so she knew that I understand and that I was there for her.. But she just kept fighting and fighting to where I had to send her away.. I cry everyday wondering if I did the right thing... But my gut tells me I did.. So anyways I guess I'm at a loss cause I'm trying to find information on coping skills and better strategies to handle everything and find ways my daughter and I can work this together so she can come home..if anybody has any advice or anything please feel free to comment back on this post or send me a pm.. Thank you..

Ruby, wish I had some great advice for you but I wanted to say I think you did the right thing sending her to Grandmas for a bit until you figure something out. Better that than having things get out of control.
Good luck to you, I am keeping the best thoughts for you and your daughter

She is definitely pushing your limits and you did the right thing to disengage for awhile. This will help set limits in the future.

I went through a very rough period with my son. What eventually helped so life did not spiral out of control is that I picked my arguments with him very carefully. I let a lot of things slide but not certain ones. If she is physical with you and you are not able to stop it call the police.

We also got therapy separately. It helped. I had to learn to disengage from arguments with him and not get emotionally drawn in. It was hard but it helped to some degree. I know this is not perfect advise but it is a start.

If you don’t want your daughter to be physical with you, it would help for you to set the same example by not spanking her. Spanking her sends the message that when we’re Upset, we hit. If you can show some control and use your words with her, it will help teach her to do the same.

Is your daughter in therapy? If she is not already, she probably should be. If she is, can you ask her therapist for advice?

Most kids at that age just want to feel loved and understood. They want to know they are important and their parents will love them and stick by them no matter what. I know you’ve chosen to send your daughter away for now, but you could still call her and tell her you love her and will bring her home as soon as you get some help for yourself so you know how to handle these situations better. Do you see a T for yourself? If so, can you ask for parenting strategies to help you?

I agree with Scorpiosis about the spanking. I also agree that you both should be in your own individual therapy. I think it's quite possible that she's feeling resentful that you had her hospitalized and then you abandoned her by sending her to her grandmother (saying this from her perspective). What I get a lot of from your post is you judging her behavior and actions and very little understanding or compassion for her feelings. I also agree that parenting strategies will help you de-escalate these situations before they get out of control.

I also don't think it's appropriate to share the struggles you've been through with an 11-year-old. It's fine to know mom is struggling, but it can be easily misinterpreted as blaming on the child or the child feeling like they have to take responsibility and all sorts of unintended consequences to the child's psyche.

I think that the OP made a good decision. Regardless of why the older child is acting out, the younger children need to be protected.

Agree with a lot of what is posted above bec I’ve gone thru a similar experience.
How do you spank an 11yr old? I would think what would be more painful at that age, at least with my own kids, is to ban something they have use of. A screen or game system like an iPad, Xbox or just the tv. “Hit” them where it hurts & screens can hurt. Lol

If you recall this story to a therapist of what you posted here it can cause problems. It’s a red flag. I recalled a incident I had with my child to a therapist where I was physical and as soon as I said it, I was told not to say anything more and CYS was brought into the picture for over a year. This is one area of zero-tolerance that a therapist has to break confidentiality and get help into your home and I hope into your family. For us it was a lot more problems, but in the long run it did help. We were not expecting this action when I tried to speak honestly in a therapy session.

So please go with your gut and tell yourself that you need to take a break and exit the situation ASAP. For me that meant I was to stand on the back porch and take deep breaths & cool off.

I also agree that sharing your own issues with your kids is a bad idea. I do understand that you want to convey to them that you can understand their feelings, but you don’t want to lose that parental relationship. Children can miss interpret it and blame themselves. They might feel obligated or have a self fulfilling prophecy of MH issues that might not be there. Save it for when their much much older.

Does the school system offer any structure to help. Some have a parental liaison to work with schools & therapists. If it’s a public school like in the US start pesting them for some help.
How about finding a family therapist for all of you. One that will work with you as a group. We had some luck in this area. Our oldest was acting out & I could see where it was effecting the younger ones too. They will be effected too. And yes therapy for you so you have a place to vent & work on your own struggles bec you don’t have that built in back up of a spouse for help. So you need to be more aware of when you need a break before things get to the “red zone.”

Our library had parenting type lectures once a month I sometimes wento & we have one great therapist in our town that puts on monthly parental discussions for “today’s teens,” that’s been really helpful.
Dig into your town & see if there’s anything that will help. Ask the domestic shelters to maybe point you in some direction.
All this effort will help you, your family & even the court system if they get involved, that you’re trying to reach out for services.
Best of luck to you!

Thank you all for the comments.. However we are all in therapy including my other two children.. And when it comes to taking away electronics that don't phase her.. She acts cold as ice... And I do call her everyday.. I also share things with my daughter because she is a very smart girl and I want her to know her feeling are understood and she's not alone...

Has your therapist set you up with any parenting classes? There's classes like positive parenting. Have they mentioned anything about defiance or the explosive child or non violent communication? What services are being offered to her? Is when she moves back contingent on when you feel in a safer mindset? How is your grandmother handling this?
You are definitely in a crisis. Does your area offer in home crisis support?

We understand why you thought to share that info with her but do you understand why we are saying it's not a good idea? You can do a lot of damage sharing what you think she is ready to hear, when at 11 years old she most assuredly is not.

I can understand why you though get sharing your own experiences might make her feel less alone, but it can unfortunately have the opposite effect. If you want her to feel understood, why not let her do the talking and really listen to her. Even if you have had the same experience, you may feel very differently about it or cope with it in different ways. Plus, kids rarely want to listen to their parents talk about how they had he same experience “back in the old days.” They feel like everything is different now. Maybe she would feel more heard if you just listened to her (without any criticizing) and just validated her experience and thanked her for opening up to you. It might take her some time to feel comfortable doing that, but keep trying. She has to know that it’s really safe before she might start sharing her private feelings.