Co-Dependent Friend

I have a friend (I call her Michelle) who is very co-dependent on a few certain people. Her reasons for being this way are understandable: her parents are distant, she's got terrible self-esteem... It makes sense that she would cling to a few people.

At the start of our friendship, it was freshman year of high school. So I didn't mind walking with her to the bathroom, even if I didn't need to go. I was still finding my feet, myself. As the year progressed, though, I was more comfortable and more confident, but Michelle... Just wasn't. In fact, she seemed more open about putting herself down.

Lately, she's gotten downright annoying. In some ways that are connected to this co-dependent behavior (she tries to monopolize me if I'm in a group), others are completely unrelated. Regardless, I can't remember the last time I identified with her, let alone the last time we had any fun without making fun of each other.

Not to mention she's gotten really rude to me lately, trying to push me around for some reason. I told her I was angry about one situation, and immediately she breaks down.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Do you forgive me? I just want to be friends again. I can't have you mad at me. First Ben's mad, now you?"
Not wanting to fight with her, I told her I forgave her for that incident.
She came back with, "Let's start over. Hi, I'm Michelle. I think we're going to be really good friends."
I told her, "In the end, that has to be a mutual decision. It's my choice, too."
"You mean you don't think so?"

At this point, I simply don't want to be her friend anymore. We're pretty much incompatible. But I'm not sure how to help her understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. The way she's percieving it now is if I'm not mad, we're best friends. I don't want her out of my life totally, but I could deal without her calling me and saying we should hang out more often.

Mag,

I am a co-dependent person but only with my wife. I always need her to be there so I can feel safe. Now that I see it from your perspective I understand how she really feels now. thank you for sharing

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magasanguis said:
At this point, I simply don't want to be her friend anymore. We're pretty much incompatible. But I'm not sure how to help her understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. The way she's percieving it now is if I'm not mad, we're best friends. I don't want her out of my life totally, but I could deal without her calling me and saying we should hang out more often.

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So tell her not to call you so often. I did have to smile because you started with "I simply don't want to be her friend anymore." and then went on to "I'm not sure how to help her understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing." -- sounds like you're pretty conflicted too? You start with a statement of fact, that you don't want to be friends with her anymore but then qualify that all or none statement by saying it isn't all or none. I think you don't want to be friends but also don't want to hurt her, two different things.

Can you tell her you don't want so many calls and then screen your calls so you're not quite so available? I think no matter how gently you disentangle yourself it is not going to be easy for you or her but for different reasons: she's not mature enough to understand and you're going to hurt because you'll see her hurt and take too much of the "blame".

My therapist helped me learn the difference between love and like by asking who I liked and I answered, my husband. She then asked me why I like him and I answered, "because he is warm, fun, and friendly." She then asked me about my stepmother, whom I loved but who was abusive and using the "friend"/like scenario, realized I did not like my stepmother and that was okay. We don't have to hang out with people you don't like, it's our choice. Have to "put up with" people we love sometimes if we don't also like them but can limit our "hanging around" time. I now apply the "warm, fun, and friendly" to everyone I meet/deal with over time :-) friends and family alike.

@dragonphoto - This situation might not really relate to yours, due to the difference in age, but the only insight I can share with you that I feel might be mutual is that your wife cares for you, as I care for my friend. Some people don't mind if others are clingy, and they'll put up with it especially if they do care.

But in my case with my friend, I first cared for her by attempting to nurture her self-esteem. Which backfired slightly, because she saw me as a person who made her feel better about herself, not a person who helped her do that for herself. I wanted to see her become more independent, but when I didn't let her lean on me as much, she just went to someone else. Her aversion to her own personal growth is what eventually made me stop nurturing her.

I don't know if my history with my friend bears any resemblance to your situation. If so, I'm happy to contribute, if not, then best of luck, anyway.

@Perna (I run into you a lot, don't I? ) - I definitely don't want to hurt her. I want things to kind of be neutral, like they were when we were friends in school, but not outside of school.

Well, this other friend, she mentioned, Ben, chose a strange route for making things up with her. He's afraid that not being her friend at all would be inconvenient and difficult for him. He sees her in school, her mom cuts his hair, his brother is friends with her sister...
So when she asked him, "What about me is really that terrible?" he answered. He told her all the little things that she does to annoy him. And there was a lot of stuff. This approach concerned me, so I told him, "You can't expect her to change everything about herself just to be your friend."
"Not everything," he replied, "Just some habits."
I can understand this method, but I would have phrased it as, "I don't like it when you do these things. It annoys me to the point where I don't want to be around you. You can decide whether or not it's worth changing yourself for my friendship."

I'd like to do that, myself, but I definitely don't want to hurt her. Even if that isn't our intent, it could still happen that she ends up completely lost without me and Ben.

I understand what you're saying about the like/love thing. I don't like her anymore. There was a time when I did, but she's still growing up, so to speak, and so she's changed. I think it's natural that I should like someone one year and not like them the next, at least concerning adolescents. But we still have history together, and I'm trying to do this in a gentle, thought-out manner.
If I weren't, you wouldn't see this post.

I would try not to fall into the trap of saying she was terrible or even of saying anything about her changing to be one's friend. The "what about me is terrible. . ." is a double bind; you have to fall into her negative opinion that it is all her fault, that she's terrible, etc. kind of like "have you quit beating your wife yet?" You can't win so I would deflect things back to what she thinks/feels about herself and being with herself, etc.

I'd try to use "I" sentences about myself only, not about her and her behavior, that's her problem :-) "I don't like to talk on the phone very much" (and then get off quickly if she calls, reminding her you don't like talking on the phone and/or you are doing something else at the moment (none of her business what, bad manners to ask and can be deflected if she does make that mistake of demanding to know what) and if she goes on about your not wanting to be with her, she's no good, etc. explain it is not about her, it is about your not liking to talk on the phone, etc. Keep it on what you like/don't like (but not relative to her) so as to encourage her to get her own likes and dislikes instead of honing in on you and yours. "We have to hang out more often" you counter with "I" don't have time, etc. She has to choose to make it about her and what she says/does and there's nothing you can do about that if she does. Not everything is about her is what you want to teach; other people's behavior is not about her, it's about them and what they want. In short, she has to live her own life and if she's doing that "successfully" (has interests of her own) then others will be attracted to her instead of her having to hang on to others. That's the bottom line to dependency. If she wants you to go to the bathroom with her, things like that, you now reply that "I don't have to go right now, sorry." If she takes that wrong, and she might, call her on it! You are allowed to feel like your time is more important that going to the bathroom when you don't have to go!! LOL

And I do most of the above. She'll ask me to go somewhere, and I'll tell her I'm busy. Of course, she WILL ask, "With what?" at which point I usually lie my way out of it. Schoolwork, don't have a ride, chores... et cetera.

It's not always that easy, though. Sometimes she'll say something like, "I miss hanging out with you," to which I can only nod and say, "Mhm."

So while I try to deal with things as rationally as possible, she puts me in difficult positions sometimes.