My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

His parents have probably gone through some version of this kind of thing themselves. I'm sure, at some time or another, they disappointed him by being merely human and, thus, imperfect. That's intolerable to him. He must not be disappointed! That is the code he lives by. Stop and think for a moment how colossally entitled that outlook is . . . . . and tell me he's not immature. What he's doing in that psych unit is taking one big giant fit: It's the end of the world . . . he might kill himself (they only lock you up for being dangerous to yourself or to somebody.) All because you didn't stick to the script about how things are supposed to be. How dare you!

You have rights to stay in abusive relationship but you mentioned you want family with this man. I strongly encourage you to NOT have kids with this man.

An abusive relationship is complicated. The abused often feel compelled to stay in the relationship out of fear. It's like they are held under a spell. What they need is to open their eyes and see the abuse they are recieving, how unhealthy it is, and to gather the strength to just walk away. This in and of itself takes an unimaginable amount of strength.

I can understand when someone constantly criticises you it must erode your self worth, maybe even thinking no one else will want you. But you are young with many chances ahead of you and other partners may treat you better than this.

Well, yes, I am choosing to stay in this toxic relationship.
There are may things that sound harsh about him and I understand why you may call his behaviour abusive. But there is more to it and I often I just feel I can't get my head around things.
His reasoning makes sense... mine is poor, because I made a major change in my values... and I feel that this is what makes discussions difficult.

He is not locked up. He was in the hospital for one night. Since I have been around him. For one thing his parents did not like the idea of him being alone and neither did he.

Today he has two appointments with possible new Ts. And he asked wither we should talk about it afterwards. (So far it usually ended disastrous when ever we talked about my past or his T meetings).I wish we could talk though. It is what is bothering him the most at the moment and I feel very disconnected not talking about it.

But according to his views and reasoning I can't see how. He is convinced that I lied to him, when I did not tell him about my past, because there would never be a man who would know about it and start a family with me. (I give people the credit to change.) According to his values it is any partner's right to know, to be told about a past like mine, to have the choice to say: No, I don't want to be with someone who has/had a lifestyle like this.
I regret how poorly I knew what I wanted in life and how careless I was about STDs. And yes, I did risk his health. But I don't see a way to talk about it. I deeply regret that I didn't live differently in many ways. But there is no way to change it now. To him it is easy to say: I regret. Because I did all these things.

There was the question why I still want this. I never felt this alive with anyone before. I was giving myself away easily and never did really regret about it. This is the first time I ever felt: This is it! And I wish I had waited and never been involved with anyone before.
The thought of him being with another women just moving on... it is killing me.

One thing I learnt from my past abusive relationships is that they can manipulate you into thinking that you’re in love while in fact, you’re just tricked into thinking “this is love”.

I thought it was love before the conflict accured. Why would you just think it is love?

The first T asked him wither he could imagine being with a former prostitute.

This is just my opinion, I think before conflicts accured, or early in the relationship, it might be infatuation instead of love. Love is something that is built over time, happens after we encounter conflicts and solved them. In case of abusive relationship though, the strong feeling we have after conflicts happen is made under a manipulation, makes the result is influenced by abusive manners.

You have a good point. I think I am still willing to find a way to support him and to cope with my issues. Things got better recently . But I think it is mostly because he has no power for fighting...

Well, I don't know. It is just that no matter what, wither we are fighting or whatever I always know why I want to be with him and what I like about him. I don't feel a rush of happy reunion after a fight. Because I know this conflict is not over.

Let me get this straight— you say you had ten partners before him, you were not a prostitute, you did have unprotected sex, but do not have an STD? He is unable to handle this information and judging you as a terrible person? You are judging yourself as a terrible person?

I don’t understand this whole thing. I really do not see ten partners as a problem having happened before you met your to be husband and settled down. While you may regret having made choices that were risky, you must be glad nothing bad came of it. You will not cheat on your spouse. You will be every bit the ideal wife any virgin would be.

I was not any different from you in my promiscuity before I met my husband. While I wished I had used better judgment, I learned from those errors. I admit I was a little ashamed of myself, wishing I had been more of the ‘ideal woman’ for him, but I was 26 when we met and I didn’t predict my future.

My husband didn’t shame me. I never gave him any reason not to trust me. Heck, he was probably glad deep down that i did have some sexual experience so that the sex with us was good.

If he had tried to shame me, and judged me for being a ‘slut’, I wouldn’t have let him. I wouldn’t have married him. Who needs that negativity crap? If he wanted such a virgin, let him go find one in a monastery.

There’s just a screaming red flag to me about a man who makes such a big deal about this issue. He’s talked you into shaming yourself. I’m not ashamed of myself. No slut shaming!

Thank you Thishabuv! I agree. If I would not think that I could be a loving wife I would not have been holding on to this relationship.
I wish we could just go on. But his thoughts are always coming back to this. And I can't think of anything to say that would make any difference.

I hate many choices I made... but how? I could never see a deep relationship in my parents love. I thought it was a fairy tale.

To my bf my past is a red flag and it is abnormal to him. In hospital they told him it is really just about him not being able to adapt to me having this past and that he is otherwise not prone to this... I thought there was more to it... I don't know. If they are right maybe we can fix this.
I keep holding on to the thought that he still wants to be with me. Else he would just leave me and not bother with therapy or like now, heavier meds.

Yikes! I think I was kidding myself when I said my h didn’t slut shame me. Now that I think of it, thanks to this thread, maybe he did passive aggressively.

We developed a struggle because he wouldn’t initiate sex in a way that turned me on. We could not get into a pattern of healthy sex that worked for us. We couldn’t bond. It was a toxic dance.

I wonder if this was because he was deep down intimidated by my sexual past? I wonder if he did do this to shame me? I definitely felt shamed and humiliated for wanting to be made love to and to feel satisfied.

But you and your husband did solve this issue? You are using past tense.

I am a sexual woman who enjoyed sex, and he had a lower sex drive. The whole thing made me feel very ashamed and humiliated!

You may have the same situation.

No. We are getting divorced after 25 years. It was a nightmare!

I'm sorry.

And you are already in a nightmare before you have married him. If I can help you from my trauma, it will not all be in vain.

Honestly, the ten partners were nothing. The incompatible husband was the killer.

Did you hear a health professional say this yourself or is this what he is telling you they said?

No, that is what he told me. I have no reason to doubt that this is what they told him.

I don't know. Maybe it is getting to big for me. Today he had two appointments with Ts and some other things... I offered to drive him in his car, with the new meds he is not supposed to be driving. But I m a bad driver, especially when under stress as today. And he told me a few times how I am ruining his car... so that ads to the szress. Plus being asked wither he should drive when he is not supposed to. He said he was afraid of driving with me. Maybe I am trying to hard and unwillingly putting people around me in danger.

The thing is I just want to feel loved. But I feel like a total waste of space. I now there are moments when he is so caring and gentle. But know I feel stupid and unworthy. I am afraid of being alone. I don't know how to go on. I feel so lost and I am not seeing my T before the end of next month.

But equally you did not hear it so it may not be true.

You kindly drove him home and he criticizes your driving now too?

Consequence - you feel further belittled and unworthy/stupid.

Can you see the pattern in this relationship?

Many people in your situation feel exactly the way you do right now... afraid of being alone, lost, stupid and unworthy etc. Part of it is a lack of self-esteem that preceded this relationship and part is due to the incessant put downs you receive from your abuser.

This is the main reason leaving such relationships is so difficult. It is more comfortable to stay and keep the blinders on.

The STD aspect is a legitimate concern. (About the only one I can find.) I went through a lot of encounters/flings before I met the man I am with for a long time. (I won't even hint at the number for fear of you dismissing me as a floozy . . . which I actually don't think you would do.) But my guy had just had massive blood transfusions before meeting me, at a time when the blood supply was not all that safe. So I had us both get tested for HIV and Hepatitis A, B AND C. We were negative. At my annual gyne appointment, I got swabs taken to check some other common things. I was fine. It might give you some piece of mind to get some or all of those tests. You don't necessarily even have to tell him, at this juncture. Anyone who goes to bed with anyone else who is not a virgin is taking a chance on catching something. He took that risk, didn't he? Somehow I don't think that is even a real concern of his.

Pardon me, but I don't see where you are being all that illogical and he is so logical. The basis on which a man would have a right to be told a woman's sexual past would be if there were a strong chance it could come back to embarrass him. Like if you got interested in a guy whose cousin you had already been to bed with. Or if you lived in a town where it was widely known that you had gone off with every second guy, and he was new in town and did not know that. A guy has some right to be warned of of what might get thrown in his face (though not a perfect right.) That doesn't sound like what's going on here either. I'm still at a loss to know just what is his problem. Your level of prior experience is really not that unusual. It sounds like you would have been glad to settle down monogamously earlier in life, if someone up for that had come along. Instead you were in unsatisfying connections that you kept leaving (or who left you.) That's what people normally do till they find the person they click with. Is casual sex wrong? I think it's more a symptom of loneliness. People do what they need to do to cope with feeling alone. With experience in living, people learn that some quick solutions don't really help. No one is born understanding all that. Your guy is setting himself up to learn a lot about coping with loneliness, himself. He may seem like a great catch to you, but he sounds like a babyish, self-righteous pain in the rear end to me. I truly doubt that there will be a bunch of well-adjusted young women lining up to win his favor . . . who'll stick around when they get to know him. What was he doing before he met you? Had he previous girlfriends? None of them measured up either?

By caving in to his demands that you feel bad about yourself, you are keeping him from learning an important lesson. This is stifling his growth. This is telling him it's okay for him to keep a mindset that I think most people would consider ridiculous. I hope the reason for his thinking is immaturity. Then there's hope he can grow out of it - if everyone stops babying him. If, instead, this represents what he believes as a mature adult, then maybe he should import a wife from some third world country where they sell off virgin daughters.