My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

Perhaps. I’ve done that.

Or is looking for validation.

Sometimes we know in our gut that something isn’t right, but we want someone to tell us that it’s in our imagination, that things are okay. I’m incredibly guilty of that. I just re-read my posts from a few months ago and was like my god I was pulling the wool over my own eyes.

Can’t convince someone of something they don’t want to know.

Sorry for taking so long. I am definitely not yet done with this topic. All of my friends and family can't hear any more if it... and I felt that maybe I am over stretching it here , too.
Maybe some of you are right and I just don't want to see. But I always feel that my boyfriend is a good person who has suffered a lot from his parent's divorce when he was really small... he broke of all contact to his biological farther. His mother's second marriage is very happy and something like the perfect archetype of a very intimate and intense relationship. I guess he has a very deep need for security. He wants to trust and be trusted. And e.g. in our last fight when he would mention how I am wasting money when I am renting a room that I am not using... I snapped back that as my he is not willing to be at my place we could instead be seeing each other only every second day. And the last two days he was trying to make me "keep my word" ... He is convinced I would never say something like that if it was not what I wanted.
My natural reaction to this would be to pull away... but what he is craving for is just me showing that I really want this!

You probably have a point. It is just that so often I do things that I can not understand when he confronted me... I would like to start the change in my behavior, but it his hard. Really he is very sensitive... and bullheaded. But only yesterday he told me that I should give him more contra. He is willing to listen and often asks why I did certain things... but most of the time I just can't.

From experience it’s not about lying to ourselves, but the deceptions others can cause us. While our gut can say something is wrong, our desparate hopes can get in the way and go for it regardless - it’s either live for ourselves and be alone, or live for others and feel belonging

Your last post gives us some explanation of why he is as insecure as he is. It's not because of you, it's because of his past - can you see why members are posting that it is not You, your sexual past/financial situation but what he himself is lacking?

It sounds as though he projects insecurities onto you, and you seem prone to self blame (I understand, I am prone to that too) so you accept it, but you are unhappy. It isn't healthy or fair that he does this.

I know you mentioned he is in therapy so hopefully his therapist is working with him to address his insecurities. Projecting it on to you is no answer and will likely destroy love and trust over time. Please don't accept this.

I found much comfort in your comments!

Unfortunately, he is still looking for a new therapist.
Of course my interpretation about the divorce is just a guess. But his mother views it quiet similar. I think he is looking for romantic love to be something that is as absolute like the love parents have for their children. This is why he wants his partner to be everything and to be around all the time, to count on always! He is very hesitant to open up...and many things about my past just violate his idea of love. It is eating him alive.
This is why he is always expecting the worst... he wants to regain trust. But is afraid to be disappointed once more... I sense this and am afraid to disappoint him... and it pushes me to make one "mistake" after another.

Today things escalated. I hope it is for the better. Don't know though... When I finished work I had a text from him saying that he was really sorry but he was in a bad state and didn't want to put me throug this... When I called he sounded even worse then the last time when he was saying things like "I don't want to be me anymore..."
He said he doesn't know weither he should go to the psychiatric clinic... he had read some girls personal report about a threesome...
I was asking him to go to his parents or to a friend or to let take him to the hospital. He said he had nobody to turn to and that he is going to end the call and hang up.
I had about 5% battery left on my phone and couldn't reach his brother. So I went to his best friend so that he could have a look. And I texted his brother what he had said... who called their parents. When I had come to my senses and called his parents the were on the way... called a doctor... tonight he is in the hospital.

His mother was a mess when I came to his flat... (jaust for today he had told me to take the key...)
I love his parents. It was a comfort to see them.

I was just texting with him... this doesn't make sense anymore. He was writing how much he loves me, that he wished it was my snoring next him, not some stranger and then his thoughts returned to the threesome...
And he started asking how I got in touch with his best friend, why I knew his last name and where he lived... (and I can guess what he might imagine...)

I really don't know. I can't do this anymore. I want to be there and support, but either he realizes that there is much more to this and that his insecurities don't route in my past... or I just can't take the responsibility for his state...
His father said something like: "He should be glad he got a pretty girl, instead he is putting you through so much." And that his son is always trying to make everything perfect...
This reminded me of some comments here that comforted me so much and make me feel I am starting to get back to my senses.

When I came back to my parents they were crying. My mother fears her cancer is coming back...

I feel so lost at the moment. His condition is connected to me and it is my impression that when we're having contact his mood is getting worse.
I couldn't fall a sleep very long... and when I did I slept for a few hours. I woke up late at 9.30 and texted him.
He answered that he thought I was not going to text him. How he is hurt that his girlfriend doesn't care... I was afraid to trigger his mood. I don't know what to do...

Your boyfriend needs to grow up. His therapist is a nut-job.

Maybe you can salvage this relationship . . . and maybe you can't. At least learn from this experience. Your past is two things: #1 - It's yours. #2 - It's past. Do not go giving detailed reports about your past to anyone, especially not to any man you plan on building a future with. I don't say that because I think you have anything to go around feeling shame over. I say that because putting out TMI (too much info) is just plain foolish.

Men are very visual, especially regarding women. A man will conjure up images in his mind to illustrate anything sexual that you report. Then a man often can't purge those "vusuals." So they stay posted up on the interior walls of his mind. In future, don't go littering a man's mental landscape with debris from your past that needs to be left in the past. Learn to move on. Don't keep pumping energy into stuff that should be allowed to wither.

If you have the idea that sharing this stuff about what you did where and with whom is a way of being genuine and honest, get rid of that idea. It's a dumb idea. There are good, healthy ways of being honest . . . and there are dumb, pointless ways of not knowing when to keep your business to yourself. Maybe you think real love means having no secrets. Baloney! Maturity means having discretion. Discretion means knowing what to say and what not to say. There is nothing admirable about being a blabbermouth.

If this guy leaves you just over this, then he's not worth having. By age 29, most of us have wracked up some experiences that deserve to be forgotten. What you have related is not that big of a deal - in this day and age. Do not embrace a bunch of guilt over a learning process you needed to go through.

Thank you Rose76, you are right. It was never my idea to share everything. But things came up and questions accused to him and he said if I won't answer certain questions he will b e expecting the worst...
I can't change it anymore.

For now this is not about saving the relationship. I just don't know how to react and what to do... He was hospitalized yesterday. And since he is blaming me for this (I refuse to take this responsibility) it is really hard to know what to do.
Every text seems to wrong. I don't know.

If you have no guts to leave him then at least take your stuff and move out of his place. You aren’t married or formally committed or have a family together. Don’t live in men’s houses if you have your own and if you have no commitment. Living with him just because you otherwise won’t see him often enough is ridiculous. Plenty of people are just dating. Why do you need to be attached 24/7? Go get a job and start living your own life.

At this point I know we should end it. At least I feel that the contact to me is making it worse and I can't handle this anymore. It's just that I don't know how... he is in hospital. I will wait what the doctor says today and will talk to his parents...

Saying “I am upsetting you more and adding to your illness” is a good say to gently get yourself out of this. The first step is to move back into your own place while he is in the hospital. You can still be caring right now as a friend. I understand you are feeling guilty about breaking up with him while he is inpatient. He’s not a well guy. He’s abusive to you, not only to himself, you don’t want to fall in and commit to that.

You are right, Rose. I made this mistake, myself. It only hurt my marriage in the long run, but I think I only told him because I was so unhappy with him I was trying to help our situation with info about my past— yes, dumb idea.

No way was this breakdown your fault. Very likely he has a history of mental ill health.

He has a long uncertain road to recovery. You do not have to be part of it. You can wish him well as a friend. You need to take care of yourself above all.

Paradoxically it can be addictive and validating to have someone who has serious problems blaming them all on you. It can give meaning to what otherwise seems an empty life.

His breakdown is NOT about your past. He was simply due for a breakdown. This guy is a "blamer."

Stop texting him. That's just fanning oxygen on the fire. Discontinue putting energy into something that needs to be allowed to shrivel up. Learn the art of "changing the subject." If your past had been happy and you'ld been in great healthy relationships, then you wouldn't have been available to get involved with him. He's no prize catch himself with his mental instability. You needn't worry overly much about "losing" him. There aren't going to be a lot of takers looking to line up to get with him. He's a self-absorbed baby.

You have a history of falling in love rather easily . . . too easily. (What do you love about this guy?) Hang back a bit and let him seek you out. He's going to keep harping on your revelations. ["How do I live with these images of your past? . . . oh, no . . . OMG . . . oh, no . . . oh, no!" This is nothing but shallow drama. Firmly state that the subject is closed, when he badgers you.

He is very, very immature. You have to be the adult in the room. You have to handle him with a firm hand - setting limits. That's what he needs to feel more secure.

No, it's better to find meaning to life beyond being blamed for something you are not responsible for

I was not saying that it was a good thing to do. What you wrote did not contradict what I wrote in the quote therefore your "No' is a non sequiter.

You misunderstood. Tecomsin never said it’s good or healthy, she/he just stated that that what happens not that’s is a good thing. Not sure why you are saying “no”.

I've been relying so much on this forum lately, thank you! Unfortunatly, it is already too late for a lot of the good advice I got here.

Is it just validation to be blamed? It feels the opposite to me. I enjoy the moments when we are getting along, when we enjoy each others company. I have issues with confidence and this does not help with it. But, yeah, you are right to some extend. I don't have something as a goal at the moment except that I crave a deep relationship, a partner to start a family with.

I don't agree that he is immature. I acted a lot more immature and irrresponsible in many situations.

I know I wrote we can't continue and that we should end it. It is just that it is too late and I don't want to "sneak out" at this point. There are moments when he needs me. Of course there are other moments when I just remind him of all of his bad thoughts.

Maybe I am just giving mayself excuses. I can't imagine what my life would be like if we would break up. The thought of it is just draining all energy out of me.

It won't get any easier.

Because they said it can give meaning to an empty life.
I think there are better meanings to look for in life than this

Yes, you are. Worse, you are making excuses for his bad behavior. You have to understand that, because you’re willing to put up with his poor treatment and bad behavior, it’s not going to get better. He has no incentive to do better, because why should he? He can be nasty to you, and know that you’ll blame yourself for it.

If you’re willing to live like this, with being put down and made to feel less-than for the duration of this relationship, then that is a choice only you can make.

You do not have to "end it." Lots of people, including myself, make the decision to stay in a relationship that has some profound problem. I agree with the poster above who warns you that this will not get easier. But, no matter how "toxic" a relationship is, you still have the option of continuing in it. Considering that option is your right. If you decide not to leave him, then your task is to figure out how to "be" in this relationship and not become unhinged mentally yourself. This guy needs a strong partner who can survive the turmoil he creates. Maybe you are up for that.

Your task then is to figure out what is justified and what is not. His reaction to the revelations about your past is not justified - IMO. And it's not really even about you. If you were a virgin with no sexual past to upset him, he'ld find something else. He has an emotional problem that you did not create. It was there long before he met you. I am not suggesting you get into arguing with him about this. Just the opposite. To mentally survive being in a relationship with him, you need to understand that he becomes irrational. There is no point arguing with a person over something that person has become irrational about. And there is no amount of reassurance you can offer that will satisfy him. This is what you need to understand, so that you can be the adult in the room when he goes into full-blown neurosis - which is what he is in the midst of doing right now.

Only you can decide whether or not this guy is worth holding on to. If your heart tells you that - to you - he is, then carry on. But don't buy into his neurotic conception of things, or you'll go nuts too. One of you has to stay sane. He is going to need a lifetime of emotional support that is very taxing to provide. Maybe you're up for that. To give it, you have to see things for how they really are.

What's pivotal here is that he does not seem to want to end his relationship with you. He wants you, but he doesn't want you. So he's driving himself crazy - literally - because he can't reconcile this conflict within himself. That's probably the story of his life. Think back. He probably has a history of being in the throes of severe inner conflict over issues he cannot resolve. That is immaturity. Becoming mature means coming to terms with reality. He has trouble with that . . . big trouble. He always will have. Life disappoints him. It always will . . . because life is inherently disappointing. Accepting and adapting to that is the big hurdle that each human being faces. He won't acceot that. Maybe he can't. This is why he is in a locked ward for psychiatric care.

So the solution is not for you to agree that "Yes, I am an immoral woman and the scum of the earth." You're not . . . and you know that. The solution is for you to show him that life goes on, despite disappointment. All is not ruined. He's telling himself that it is. Don't buy into that. Don't affirm that by being profusely apologetic, as if you had commited some great crime against him. You haven't. On the other hand, don't bother arguing with him over this. You'll get no where. Just role-model for him the art of moving on. He's stuck. Don't be stuck with him on this. Kindly insist on looking ahead, not backward. He'll get over this. But he'll keep wanting to revisit this issue. Simply decline to do that with him. (I know it's not simple.)

You do not have to let how you feel about yourself be dictated by his craziness. He cannot "make you feel" anything, if you are strong enough to remain centered around your own concept of reality. That strength is what he requires in a partner.

Wow, thank you! This is what I am trying but still struggling, not to go nuts myself. I try to concentrate on the fact that even his parents who support him and know most about what is bothering him don't blame me.
I think I will go back to re-read this post! Thanks!

My main problem with your reasoning would be that you say you don't have the self-confidence or strength to leave. And that that is in part why you aren't leaving him. And that you think he is not immature because you are even more immature.

In the end, you need to judge if this relationship is working out for you on the long term.

What if you stay with him for a while and then he decides to leave?

Look, I am not saying you should leave someone. But your arguments for staying are not things like "We talked about this and it is improving." or "I actually feel now that we both make each other stronger." etc I forgot all the details but I don't feel the both of you are able to help the other one with issues you obviously both have.