My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

What do you want from the responses here?

I guess I want to be judged. I feel like I am completly loosing all sense for what may or may not be appropriate. I know I did not do well, when I applied for that job that would fit him better wihtout telling him... and now the money issure came up he is completlely mad about it again...

I am not sure I understand what you mean applying for a job that suits HIM. What??? I can ensure that everything you described about his behavior indicates that he is inappropriate.

If you have a choice for a better life then take it

I applied for a job in his field. Without actually thinking that I would have any chance. Bit I didn't talk to him about it. I did not suggest it to him.

And I feel he has a good point. He doesn't know how to pay the next rent. I don't have any financial troubles, mine are about identity and lack of self-esteem...

Well ... I have no plan... few ambitions... he doesn't judge my failures of the past years much different than I do. I guess I need to sort out my life before I can commit to a relationship...

I don’t fully grasp what’s going on but it sounds as he expects full disclosure and submission from you. Why must you tell him about bank accounts and what jobs you want and who you slept with etc etc it’s ridiculous

What do you think would happen if you lived your entire life according to your boyfriend's instructions?

No you do not want to be judged. You want to be free, away from this eternal questioning of yourself, when the answers you get from your boyfriend are against you

I've only read back a few pages in this thread, but there are red flags going up all over the place. You have a right to apply for a job that suits you. Your money should be a factor only to you. If you are living with him and splitting the expenses, then that is a separate matter.

When someone is making you feel this badly, and to question yourself (and the relationship) this much, things are not in a healthy place. No one should make you question what is and is not appropriate or yourself this much.

Thanks for yur replies!

A good question! I think it is what is happening right now... he doesn't feel any attraction towards me anymore. Because I am not accepting myself and have been ignoring a lot of things and denying them because they didn't fit into my identity. I never wanted to be wealthy nor be seen as such. But it is reality. He feels that I have no understanding for his situation. And we'll how could I? I never had to fear that I won't know how to pay bills. That in itself is a great luxury. But on the opposite I never used much of the potential. I have a small room, don't own a car...
He feels that we are too different. To him my financial situation is a luxury. I know it is. But I have always been ashamed of it, trying to hide it away even from myself...
When I do cleaning work it is just theater to him.

Yes. And still a conversation I had with him yesterday and your comments made me realize even more that it all started with how I view myself.

@Grey street:
I don't think anyone has the power to make feel anything, not do I want to be blamed for anyone's feelings.
As you mentioned many things do depend on the relationship and the two partners' expectations. To him many things I did are red flahs. I can tell something is odd and that we are struggling... he doesn't want any of my money. He wants to feel supported Andy understood. And he doesn't want a partner who is delusional about their own situation. I guess I have to truly accept myself before anyone else can.

Thank you all for the support!

I hope that you can look back on this post and see how many times you have mentioned feeling ashamed.

He's telling you things are red flags, that he just can't deal with them, all the while staying with you. It's more respectful to say hey, this isn't working for me, we are incompatible. Instead, he is shaming you into becoming more of what he wants. That isn't love, it's enmeshment.

Please consider doing what you want in your life, not what your boyfriend wants you to do. Even if he wants you to be a better person (whatever that means), there are far more loving ways to convey this.

Best of luck.

In addition to being controlling and simply unkind to you he also feels no attraction to you yet you are sticking around. Please respect yourself

He tells you working at cleaning houses is theatre because your parents are wealthy? This guy is twisted and is trying to brainwash you. You sound like you don’t know which way is up anymore.

Be glad you have wealthy parents who take care of you. You are safe and don’t have to give yourself to someone abusive. If I were you I’d take a nice, long break from this guy and find yourself.

Let's stop giving advice and let her think things on her own for now

That’s an option but she did want to hear our opinions because she said she doesn’t know anymore what’s appropriate. She is unhappy but doesn’t know for sure why. People in abusive situations don’t always grasp that they are being abused hence they are sharing with others. If she didn’t want advice, she’d tell us. So far she seems to be ok with people giving suggestions.

"Thank you all for the support!" means "Goodbye" (for now at least). Let's leave it at that

True. I have graduate degree and career and make good money yet I worked all kind of side jobs over the years to supplement my income. It’s no one business why I want more money. I’d be mad if a boyfriend told me it’s “theater”. Cleaning is a legimitate job that often is paid well. Not his place to question that!

Blubbbrabbel, I am a little confused by some of this thread, there seems to be quite a lot going on.

One thing I would like to comment on is about your cleaning job being 'theater' in his view, because you have the back up of wealthy parents. There is another way to view this, maybe you are cleaning to have the dignity of work? He seems to jump to a negative view of you very quickly.

I do a retail job which some may regard as lowly, and I don't need the money either, but I do it to support myself rather than live off my husband (who can afford to support us both). I say you and I both have dignity of work, and we know the value of what we earn, that is good.

His financial situation is his own and your family background and cleaning job have nothing to do with it.

I get what you're saying, but keep in mind that she does have a choice to read or not to read. Comments on a thread are not like talking directly TO someone. I've walked away from threads where I've said I was done listening only to still lurk and read what people had to say. People here are only trying to help. I think it's important to respect that.

NO, it means "thank you all for the support" Nothing in that states overtly that one is saying they are done, that's only one interpretation of it. I see people say thank you all for things in the middle of a thread that keeps going.

No matter, I still think she needs time to think things through and that it’s worth a try

I'm going to throw my 2 cents in the ring here and say that the OP needs to lose the control freak of a boyfriend she has. It's HIS issue and she should leave HIM to get the help HE needs to get better via leaving him single and finding a lover who isn't so obsessed and controlling about her and her very normal love life.

I recently came to the realization that I have been wishing all my life that someone would stand up for me, and feeling sorry that I have never really had anyone in my corner. Then I took a step further, and realized it has been me all along, giving up taking a stand on myself, giving up what would give me self respect. I had good reasons and chose to try and belong to my alcoholic family and then to my narcissistic husband. But now, it feels so good, to stand in my own corner, and stay with what makes me respect me. I am talking to the person inside that has been ignored or not been chosen for such a long time.

I haven't understood the OP's answers to any of my questions. It seems to me she is content to leave things the way they are but is looking for people to vent to.