Husband won't take meds/ultimatum?

Hi everyone,

My husband is dealing with very severe depression and anxiety but is still very much in denial. He also abuses alcohol. We have 2 children, as well.

His mental health has downward spiraled in the last 2 months. We live in a nightmare. He goes to see a therapist once/wk and thinks that's enough. I'm impatient, he says.

I'm at the point where I hate him. He's so detached and has also become a liar. I don't know this person. The worst thing is that he's terrible to the kids.

He's always struggled with anxiety but now the depression has taken over. I'm ready to tell him to get on meds or get out. I have had depression before and I'm medicated. I feel like he's dragging me down the hole with him. I did what I had to do to be the best parent I can. Why won't he do the same?

I don't know what to do. Advice? TYIA

Did you ask him why he won’t take the meds?
Not everyone believes or is interested in taking medications to deal or solve issues

Alcoholism is its own ball of yarn. What brings him to therapy in the first place?

The mention of an ultimatum, sounds like more than just wanting him on meds. Is there hope that if he reaches sobriety that the life that you both started will come flooding back? Was there a solid foundation to begin with? What are your dreams for your family as recovery begins?

Alcohol is a depressant. No point in taking meds for depression only to counter them with alcohol & most of those can be lethal if used in conjunctikn with abusing alcohol.

His problem is not the "not taking meds"....his problem is ABUSING ALCOHOL.

Unless he is willibg to admit & chsnge that there are no mefs in tje wirld that will help your situation.

You are better off keaving & letting him sort out the oriblems of his life without you

I suggest you seek out two support groups:

Al-Anon - this is a support group for family and friends of alcholics
Mood Disorders Support Group - this isn't just about him, this is about your own mental health too. He may een eventually attend with you.

As hard as this is, I say draw the line. This is affecting both you and the children. I would ask him to part for a while until such time as he is either showing improvement or demonstrating he is seeking and following a treatment plan.

I think it's very important to sort this out in couples counseling. A good couples counselor will help you to take a look at the whole picture, to discover issues/potential remedies TOGETHER.

This might also involve each of you getting involved in various support groups, as well.

First, I'd see a couples counselor to set some goals together and to make sure you are on the same page. It's too easy to increase the gap between the two of you and to start heading in very different directions.

Just my two cents.


WC

He needs to stop drinking all together. With drinking the meds wont do anything infact it may make things worse. He needs to go to a AA support group and Al-Anon is a good group for those effect by anothers person drinking. Also once he stops drinking the meds if he is willing to take them will help him. Also both of you should go to couples counseling and also you might benifit from one on one yourself. Hugs

The meds might help him. There is no guarantee meds will help (anyone). Hopefully, he and his pdoc are able to find meds that do help him, but there is never any guarantee.


WC

Most psych meds are dangerous with alcohol.

I agree with this. Drawing the line and saying he must seek additional treatment or get out may motivate him.

He just says he's "going through things" and won't answer me when I ask him why he won't take them. He stares at the floor. He doesn't think he needs anything since he's not depressed.

We had a very solid foundation. We had a good marriage, despite his drinking. He decided to "cut back on drinking" on his own, so instead of getting wasted every night, he only did it on the weekends. As soon as he did that, he went off the rails. He was definitely self medicating for years. He said lots of childhood stuff surfaced and I think that's where the depression set in. He had a tough childhood with parents who went through a nasty divorce. There may be more I don't even know. So he gets mad that he can't just talk to his therapist about his "childhood stuff" bc he ends up talking about us fighting in there instead..like he wishes we all would just go away so he can focus only on that. Too bad, his behavior in our house is so awful, he and I fight all the time bc he's nasty to me and the children.

I convinced him to see a couples therapist. The first appt pissed him off. He doesn't want to be accountable for anything he's done. I made another appt for next week, so I'm hoping he'll go. Things have gotten to the point where I am sleeping upstairs, he is on the couch and we do things separately with the children. He screamed at my son the other day and I pretty much said, get more help, or I'm done. Have fun sleeping on the couch. Until you get more help, I can't live like this. I'm hoping he'll go to the next appt but he's pretty stubborn. I don't know what to do now.

Yes, I understand. I am also medicated for my depression and was fortunate that it did work for me. I just want him to explore all options. He had terrible insomnia too. Getting more sleep would probably help the situation.

Background on his drinking. He drank to get drunk EVERY SINGLE DAY of our marriage to go to sleep. When we met in our 20's we had a lifestyle of going out all the time. Fast-forward to having children and I wanted him to slow down. Barely happened. He'd go on the weekdays sometimes just to get hammered on the weekends. All the drinking happens at home from dinnertime till he passes out.

I had to stop drinking due to a medical condition and he agreed to do it with me. He lasted 40 days and that's when the depression started to set in. He went back to getting wasted then tried to slow down again but the depression took over. The nights he didn't drink he'd roll around with insomnia. He didn't understand what was happening but it took me just a few short weeks to see he was suffering from depression. He self medicated for years. He still gets drunk a few nights a week. He's in denial he abuses alcohol and he has depression. I don't know what else to do.

We've essentially co-exist in the house now. He sleeps on the couch. I said he needs more help or it stays this way. He's convinced himself I'm the cause of all of his problems so he enjoys saying no to me. He's nothing like the man I married. I know he's hurting but he can't take it out on us. The yelling at my 7 and 4 year old boys has got to stop.

Has he considered anger management? Sometimes that can help. My ex was court manadated to do so. I think because something like that gives tools to build by it's effective with helping to notice what is depression. He's far from perfect but I notice the difference. Far from being the father that I'd like to see out of him but he comes accross a little more self aware of his moods. Enough to reach out sometimes for support regarding the kids.

Actually, he is the man you married. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You can contact his therapist --phone call, email, or letter -- and tell her/him what is going on at home. You can also separate from your husband. In my opinion, he needs to move out of the family home until he gets his problems under control. Inpatient rehab might be called for; he probably can't and shouldn't try to detox on his own. This is for him to get the help he needs and to protect the children from any more upset. He might not do these things for himself, so you will be doing him a favor by researching the options where you live. I hope for the very best for all of you. Your husband is suffering and I know you and the children are too.

It's not going to change or get better even with ultimatums so yiu might as well take the action yiu need to take to peotect yiur kids from living around this & being yelled at. Kids growing up & thinking this is NORMAL because it is all they have ever known growing up is as bad for them as his yelling at them.