[graystreet]

I made an OkCupid profile about a week ago, back when I thought I was "doing okay."

YES, I know how it sounds.

I stopped replying to the people who were talking to me when I was in my most recent tailspin; I totally recognize that, while I'm breaking down, filling the hole with another person isn't what I need.

Here was my thinking, and pretty much what I put on my profile: I'm not looking for anything super serious right now. If it happens, it happens, but right now, I want to go out, have a beer with people, get to know them, and see wheat happens.

I have never dated like a normal person in my life. It has always been "OMG, I am going to find THE ONE asap!!! All I want to do is get married, settle down, have my own little family unit (I don't want kids, so not like that) and just be loved." That's what made it so stinking easy for J to take advantage of me.

Honestly, I just want to go out like a normal female. I was just telling my friend that I may not be emotionally available right now--but "emotionally unavailable" for me, given how far too emotional I've been in the past may be normal emotional for other people.

Anyway. The point is, I just want to go out and have normal dates here and there. To feel like a normal woman going out with a couple of guys (and females--I'm heteroflexible) and see what it feels like for my heart and mind to not have it be this big, clingy thing. Because honestly? I'm not there at all.

Do I want to have a long term relationship with someone some day? I...don't even know. Do I trust people after what happened recently? Sure. Tentatively. As much as I have to in order to have a decent Saturday night or Sunday afternoon with them. Not everyone is like J was to me, and I know the warning signs.

For heaven's sake, I'm going to be forty years old in a very short time. I'm sick of being this total invalid when it comes to dating. Yes, I'm very actively working on healing my heart from this BS with my therapist, but I also just want to get out there, experience life, and have fun.

[SorryShaped]

You kind of have the same feelings I do about "if it happens, it happens." I never get a chance with the ones I want and the the ones that want me aren't what I'm looking for. My T and I discuss this. He wants me to go out but I just don't because I get stuck on one person too easily and that one's never what I think I want and never wants me back.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

You kind of have the same feelings I do about "if it happens, it happens." I never get a chance with the ones I want and the the ones that want me aren't what I'm looking for. My T and I discuss this. He wants me to go out but I just don't because I get stuck on one person too easily and that one's never what I think I want and never wants me back.

I used to get stuck on one person too easily. I am sort of feeling that isn't the case. There is a part of me that is shut down a bit, for better or worse.

I am meeting people (talking to) with whom I think I'd click and then something happens where I find out they're just too weird for me (just me personally), and I have to shut it down. I don't feel like compromising.

I also have a thing where if you're not going to ask me out, then we're not going out. I did all of the pursuing in my last relationship or whatever it was, so...I'm not doing it this time.

[SorryShaped]

I've done some asking. I'm done with hookups. However, I'm usually the weird one. Ok ok, ALWAYS the weird one.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I've done some asking. I'm done with hookups. However, I'm usually the weird one. Ok ok, ALWAYS the weird one.

Well, I guess I'm the weird one too because when I tell them I don't wish to do the endless online messaging or the endless text chatting they get all annoyed. Look, I'm all for getting to know someone for a bit before you meet up with a possibly crazy person, but aren't we all on a dating site just to eventually go out?

This one guy and I exchanged phone numbers last night...and then he continued to message me through the dating site. I said look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but it sort of doesn't sit well that we've exchanged numbers and you're still messaging me here. He was like WELL. I didn't know my refusal to text you immediately would be a deal breaker. And then immediately made it clear that he doesn't want to talk anymore.

Sorta thinking I dodged a bullet with that one.

Why can't people just be effing HONEST anymore? What the heck is wrong nowadays??

[unaluna]

(((Graystreet))) i wonder, if because the dating site isnt like texting and can be deleted etc away from prying eyes e.g. a SO?

[graystreet]

Who knows.

People (not you) keep saying, "Be kind to yourself."

What does that even mean?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by graystreet

Who knows.

People (not you) keep saying, "Be kind to yourself."

What does that even mean?

I know, i know! I know this one!

For me, anyway. My parents never treated me as anything special. Even tho i got like all A's almost?! I was generally recognized as the smartest of all my cousins, of which there were many, like 60! Still, nothing special.

Being kind to yourself would mean treating yourself the way someone else might treat you, if they thought you were someone special. Most or some people? - their parents thought that, and did that, so people know what it means. Some people learn it from their therapists if theyre lucky. otherwise we keep trying to do it for other people, without realizing we really want it for ourselves.

[graystreet]

I guess I have absolutely no idea what "be kind to yourself" looks like, then.

[SorryShaped]

Some people find giving your direct number to be a relationship step. Also, this person could have been a cheater or dating many at once seriously or casually. I do think you're better off either way. I also think you want a relationship a lot more than you think.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Some people find giving your direct number to be a relationship step. Also, this person could have been a cheater or dating many at once seriously or casually. I do think you're better off either way. I also think you want a relationship a lot more than you think.

1) This person did give me their direct number 2) I don't think you actually know me well enough to know what I want.

[divine1966]

I couldn’t stand endless messaging either but men are just as scared of meeting someone crazy or being scammed just much as women and sometimes want to make sure the person isnt nuts or fake for a bit longer.

You can find out if they are nuts or incompatible before you directly call them? Maybe that’s what he is trying. Who knows

My husband never dated as he was married his whole adult life so he was petrified of the whole dating thing (before he met me he only talked to one woman on dating site and she turned out not being “yet” divorced, supposedly in the process but he freaked out). So that’s why I liked eharmony as it forces you to talk a bit longer via the site before you give away personal info.

I don’t know what the deal with this particular guy though. As others mentioned he might not even be single. Dating is unfortunately a number game.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I couldn’t stand endless messaging either but men are just as scared of meeting someone crazy or being scammed just much as women and sometimes want to make sure the person isnt nuts or fake for a bit longer.

You can find out if they are nuts or incompatible before you directly call them? Maybe that’s what he is trying. Who knows

My husband never dated as he was married his whole adult life so he was petrified of the whole dating thing (before he met me he only talked to one woman on dating site and she turned out not being “yet” divorced, supposedly in the process but he freaked out). So that’s why I liked eharmony as it forces you to talk a bit longer via the site before you give away personal info.

I don’t know what the deal with this particular guy though. As others mentioned he might not even be single. Dating is unfortunately a number game.

I tried eHarmony for YEARS with no luck.

Honestly, its not dating or a relationship that I want. I just want to erase the memory of this. Replace it with something that doesn't feel like this feels.

I'm really, really spiraling. And I don't feel like my T or my pdoc are taking me seriously.

Can someone tell my how to make the little trigger box? Because there are a lot of things happening right now that might be triggers if I talk about them

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by graystreet

I tried eHarmony for YEARS with no luck.

Honestly, its not dating or a relationship that I want. I just want to erase the memory of this. Replace it with something that doesn't feel like this feels.

I'm really, really spiraling. And I don't feel like my T or my pdoc are taking me seriously.

Can someone tell my how to make the little trigger box? Because there are a lot of things happening right now that might be triggers if I talk about them

I could never figure out how to do trigger box. It explains somewhere on the site I think.

I understand about replacing. But I doubt this dating is going to make you feel better at the moment. You are getting upset that they don’t call directly or message for too long, I don’t think it all makes you feel better. You are too vulnerable right now to enjoy dating game or have patience with it

Go out with women instead. If you don’t have enough women in your life to go out often, sign up for meetups. And join bunch of groups. Go meet women. There are ton of women out there who want company of other women. That will keep busy plus they can relate to your story.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Go out with women instead. If you don’t have enough women in your life to go out often, sign up for meetups. And join bunch of groups. Go meet women. There are ton of women out there who want company of other women. That will keep busy plus they can relate to your story.

Not in my city there aren't. I've been on this site complaining about not being able to find friends many, many times. The meetup groups are dead around here.

Believe me, I've been looking.

I'm feeling very anhedonic lately. Truth be told, I just want to go out and have meaningless sex. It was bad in TN. I was told it would be good, and it wasn't. I'm bored, and I don't want to sit at home and think anymore.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by graystreet

Not in my city there aren't. I've been on this site complaining about not being able to find friends many, many times. The meetup groups are dead around here.

Dang it.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by graystreet

I made an OkCupid profile about a week ago, back when I thought I was "doing okay."

YES, I know how it sounds.

I stopped replying to the people who were talking to me when I was in my most recent tailspin; I totally recognize that, while I'm breaking down, filling the hole with another person isn't what I need.

Here was my thinking, and pretty much what I put on my profile: I'm not looking for anything super serious right now. If it happens, it happens, but right now, I want to go out, have a beer with people, get to know them, and see wheat happens.

I have never dated like a normal person in my life. It has always been "OMG, I am going to find THE ONE asap!!! All I want to do is get married, settle down, have my own little family unit (I don't want kids, so not like that) and just be loved." That's what made it so stinking easy for J to take advantage of me.

Honestly, I just want to go out like a normal female. I was just telling my friend that I may not be emotionally available right now--but "emotionally unavailable" for me, given how far too emotional I've been in the past may be normal emotional for other people.

Anyway. The point is, I just want to go out and have normal dates here and there. To feel like a normal woman going out with a couple of guys (and females--I'm heteroflexible) and see what it feels like for my heart and mind to not have it be this big, clingy thing. Because honestly? I'm not there at all.

Do I want to have a long term relationship with someone some day? I...don't even know. Do I trust people after what happened recently? Sure. Tentatively. As much as I have to in order to have a decent Saturday night or Sunday afternoon with them. Not everyone is like J was to me, and I know the warning signs.

For heaven's sake, I'm going to be forty years old in a very short time. I'm sick of being this total invalid when it comes to dating. Yes, I'm very actively working on healing my heart from this BS with my therapist, but I also just want to get out there, experience life, and have fun.

I just want to say I identify with just about everything you wrote. I don't have answers, but wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling like this.

Seesaw

When I broke up with my ex fiance, I dated right away, casually. I went online and I met someone with whom I had a wonderful two-month fling. It helped me to get over my fiance. Granted, that relationship ended, but he was a great buffer for me and I had a ton of fun with him. So I say go for it. Do it and have some fun.

[avlady]

could you just hang out with people you know already, and be happy, if you know anyone who likes that sort of thing? I myself get very anxious when i meet new people an end up doing and saying things I wish I hadn't. I am married for 23 years now, so i really don't have a choice of people besides my husband and the friends i have now, and i don't even feel like socialising much anymore. i guess I am content and happy about it. I could have ended up in other places and am so happy i am where i am now, considering i was where i never wanted to be where i was several times in my life.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by avlady

could you just hang out with people you know already, and be happy, if you know anyone who likes that sort of thing? I myself get very anxious when i meet new people an end up doing and saying things I wish I hadn't. I am married for 23 years now, so i really don't have a choice of people besides my husband and the friends i have now, and i don't even feel like socialising much anymore. i guess I am content and happy about it. I could have ended up in other places and am so happy i am where i am now, considering i was where i never wanted to be where i was several times in my life.

I know like, 3 people. They’re always busy. I’m basically an afterthought. My 40th bday is coming up in a few weeks and I said I wanted to plan something if people wanted to come...no one said anything. Then I’m like, why am *I* planning my own party? Someone said well, we were thinking of taking you to a wine and paint class.

That is so far from something I’d enjoy. The thought is nice, but man...I just realize I’m humoring everyone because no one wants to do anything I like. And dammit, I don’t really feel like humoring people on my birthday.

[graystreet]

Just FYI, I deleted my apps. Obviously not a good idea to try and meet people right now. That first week, I really thought I was okay. What is the first stage of grief, denial? Maybe that was it.

[FallDuskTrain]

Graystreet;
You may not want to do this but I strongly suggest that you do not communicate or date anybody, at least for a while. I mean a while.. may be a year or so...I strongly suggest that you practice being alone 24/7 for a very long time until you feel very comfortable with by yourself and doing everything by yourself, suffering alone, laughing alone, embracing joy alone... Practice putting the idea/concept of romance on hold for a while. When we are in love with love and in love with romance, our perception of the other person or the relationship gets impacted and we cannot see clearly. We become delusional due to our craving for love and connection hence we end up making mistakes (i.e., falling in love with the wrong person or trusting too soon or becoming jealous or not respecting their boundaries).
I am suggesting this because that is the path to emotional independence... I do not think we can love anyone or be loved by anyone unless we achieve this emotional independence.
I feel your pain as I have been there so please do not think that I do not understand. I do understand so well and in fact that is the reasons why I am suggesting the hiatus from filling your heart with bunch of junk.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Graystreet;
You may not want to do this but I strongly suggest that you do not communicate or date anybody, at least for a while. I mean a while.. may be a year or so...I strongly suggest that you practice being alone 24/7 for a very long time until you feel very comfortable with by yourself and doing everything by yourself, suffering alone, laughing alone, embracing joy alone... Practice putting the idea/concept of romance on hold for a while. When we are in love with love and in love with romance, our perception of the other person or the relationship gets impacted and we cannot see clearly. We become delusional due to our craving for love and connection hence we end up making mistakes (i.e., falling in love with the wrong person or trusting too soon or becoming jealous or not respecting their boundaries).
I am suggesting this because that is the path to emotional independence... I do not think we can love anyone or be loved by anyone unless we achieve this emotional independence.
I feel your pain as I have been there so please do not think that I do not understand. I do understand so well and in fact that is the reasons why I am suggesting the hiatus from filling your heart with bunch of junk.

Yes. I DID just say I deleted all apps. See above.

By the way, prior to this happening, I hadn't dated in 9 years. So I'm not sure I want to wait another year to date again. I'm almost 40. Time's a-tickin'. It's either I date, or die alone. And I don't really want to die alone, so...

I think I'll date as soon as I please or when I'M ready, thanks. And I'm very, very aware it isn't now. I know how to be alone. I'm good at it. I've taken several overseas trips alone, I've made a great life for myself alone. I'm not doing well NOW...that doesn't mean I've not thrived alone in the past for a very many years.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Graystreet;
You may not want to do this but I strongly suggest that you do not communicate or date anybody, at least for a while. I mean a while.. may be a year or so...I strongly suggest that you practice being alone 24/7 for a very long time until you feel very comfortable with by yourself and doing everything by yourself, suffering alone, laughing alone, embracing joy alone... Practice putting the idea/concept of romance on hold for a while. When we are in love with love and in love with romance, our perception of the other person or the relationship gets impacted and we cannot see clearly. We become delusional due to our craving for love and connection hence we end up making mistakes (i.e., falling in love with the wrong person or trusting too soon or becoming jealous or not respecting their boundaries).
I am suggesting this because that is the path to emotional independence... I do not think we can love anyone or be loved by anyone unless we achieve this emotional independence.
I feel your pain as I have been there so please do not think that I do not understand. I do understand so well and in fact that is the reasons why I am suggesting the hiatus from filling your heart with bunch of junk.

Yuck! What? No

[divine1966]

My therapist says that people should date when they processed and reflected on what happened, which could be two month or 6 months or 5 years. No rules. As long as we process what happened. So “very” long time isn’t always required. But I do agree that some time as needed.