My Letter

Should I send this to my friend?

He and I had an argument the other day.
I was texting him with a bunch of "annoying" questions about our relationship (namely, why he'd put up with me / what he was getting out of it). I've let him know that I don't ask those sorts of things as an ego boost. Rather, he gives me a good reality check most of the time. I can't understand why he was harsh with me the other day, so I tried to ask him.
Apparently he didn't want to answer because he felt the question was "pointless," even after I told him it was important to me.
So he ended up upset with me. Today I wrote a letter:
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Dear Ben [pseudonym, of course],

First of all, I apologize that I have to bring this up. I have noted that you really hate when I do this, but I feel the need to. If it’s uncomfortable for you, I can only ask that you bear with me. If you think it’s pointless, keep in mind that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I hold value in communication, and your input especially is helpful in allowing me to internalize you so that I don’t have to annoy you like this ever again.

All I’ve ever tried to do is internalize people. To know just enough about them to the point where they can exist in my mind. I can predict the outcome of a question; formulate another person’s probable response to a statement that I would make. Such is the creepy, methodical way of the introvert. When I ask you a question that annoys you, it tends to be a much tougher question than usual. But your answer is so important because it tells me a lot more about who you are and how you think. (That in itself contributes to it being a tough question.) So I store your answer in the file in my mind with your name on it, amongst everyone else’s... But yours is strangely incomplete.

In fact, it seems like I know next to nothing about you. Aside from petty facts about your life, there’s not much there. Of course, I’m going on the assumption that you are a relatively deep person with higher-order thoughts. If that’s not the case, then I can’t blame you for not sharing. Now, if you’re withholding this information from me, I’d like to know why. My first assumption would be that there’s a lack of trust, which brings me neatly to my next point.

It’s a common misconception that misplaced trust is dangerous. Although that’s true, imbalanced trust is just as bad. Misplaced trust leads to external conflict (i.e. someone tells your secrets publicly, to your humiliation), while an imbalance in trust leads to internal conflict (i.e. keep reading). You know way more about me than you should. That was my fault. But what’s done is done, the ball’s in your court, and you can choose what you want to do with it. If I may suggest: the game is a lot more fun when both teams are engaged, as opposed to putting the ball away once it’s yours.

Presently, you’ve given me no reason to think that you are a good confidant. There’s a limited appeal to a confidant that has no use with your information. It’s like if I won a million dollars, which meant a lot to me, but you were a billionaire and couldn’t understand the value in that amount of money. I’d ask you to hold that money because I know you wouldn’t use it against me, since it is of little worth to you. But meanwhile, you’re likely to forget about it or misplace it, as it doesn’t burn a hole in your huge wallet. It doesn’t seem fair. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, I’d be lying if I said you meant nothing to me. You’re easy to relate to. I guess that’s why I hold you in such high regard. My expectations of you are demanding, which is why I wonder why you continue to associate with me.

There are times when I wish you simply wouldn’t. There are times when I wish you’d get upset with me, or I with you (though the latter doesn’t seem possible because I can always understand your reasoning). I’d say that certain things were easier before I knew you. Things were simpler back when I thought of myself to be in a totally different league from you. And now, the pressing inequality makes me wonder if it’s worth it at all. It doesn’t seem fair for me to be friends with someone who can take it or leave it. Not when I put a lot of effort into this.

It’s a hard position to be in when you’re trying to talk to someone, but first you have to revise your statement so that they’re likely to respond. However, I’ve been in your position before, with people texting me with the most random or boring things, which I can’t even think of a logical response to. But while I understand the way of filtering these things, I can detect if someone really just needs someone to talk to. In that case, I’ll think of some way to get us on a meaningful or at least entertaining conversation. Is it too much to ask for that same consideration?

A lack of an adequate response only leads to me making assumptions and overanalyzing things. It’s kind of a hobby. You think I’d be writing this if I didn’t want to? This stuff has just been eating away at me and it didn’t seem fair that you had no clue. My annoying questions can be seen as hints that I feel like something’s amiss, but I can’t expect you to realize that. I wouldn’t ask you to read my mind. Not unless I took the liberty of writing it down for you. Then, it’s only polite that you would.

In conclusion, I f---ed up. I try really hard not to complicate things, but call it a gift. I’m sorry for not being straight with you when I tend to ask that of you. Take this for what you will. My intention was to tell you what’s been bothering me and why. Regardless of its impact on you. Rereading it, I’m not sure how it’s going to affect your opinion of me. I’m sure there’s something in here that is going to shock you, confuse you, or %#@&#! you off.

So, yeah.
Lemme know.
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This was a personal letter that I originally had no intention of sending to him. I even saved it as a hidden document on my computer... But I'm wondering if there might be any benefit to sending it to him? I do think he needs to know how I feel, and this is the most organized way I could put it to him... But is it worth the risk?

Oh, and if you need any clarification before committing yourself to an answer, I'll be glad to tell you.

Thanks for your time. I know that was a long read.

Ok, honestly?

It seems quite high-maintenance. I'm not trying to be mean - it just seems that if he's already irritated and upset because of the conversations that you're trying to engage him in, then a letter like this is likely to make it worse.

I can relate to your line of thinking, but being on the receiving end of something so intense can be really draining on the other person. It seems very needy and your friend may care about you very much, but it sounds as though he's made it clear that he only has so much patience to get involved in your neuroses. I do think you have great intentions, but I would probably not send the letter and would check myself when feeling tempted to text questions as you did.

I mean all of this kindly, btw.

Yeah, I totally get that. In fact, I have my own friend that's rather high-maintenance. She is to me what I am to him.

But I still feel like he needs to know some parts of this. Namely how I feel like things are totally unequal between us. Which isn't his fault, of course, but mine. It's hard for me to lessen my views on him and at this point, like I said, I'm ready to give up. I have a lot of shame just from being so needy with him. But I don't want to just cut it off without knowing how / if it would affect him.

Any suggestions for posing that to him without making him bristle at the thought of a deep conversation?

Do you have a therapist? If so, that might be a handy way to introduce your thoughts/concerns without putting him on the spot for answers. You could say (not email, but say) something similar to what you just wrote in your reply to me, and then follow it up with "I'm working with my therapist on this issue and hopefully he/she and I can get to the root of it"

but the point is that I'd keep it as short as possible; no brain dumps (which is ironic coming from me, considering my last few posts that I've made at PC...)

Well, I have a meeting with my therapist tomorrow morning. I'm not going to do anything too soon. Rather, until I better understand my own needs in this matter, I'm going to try not to bother him at all. With stupid stuff or with brain dumps.

Okay. Update. I've found the solution.

It's so simple! I'm just not gonna text him anymore! I find it easier to express myself through the written word, and perhaps that's not a good thing. He doesn't need/want to know what I tell him through text, and if he does, then he can strike up a conversation with me. But in retrospect, telling him all the things I do doesn't help our friendship, it hurts it.

And the best part about it? It's in MY power to change this!

Of course, he'll probably assume I'm mad at him for a while. At which point, he'll probably text to ask. Which gives me the perfect opportunity to tell him I don't think I should text him anymore.

Yay! Eureka moment.

right on, sister...