Letter to T

I am a %#@&#! mess tonight. I wrote this letter to him instead of just journaling. I want to tell him these things tonight. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this or not, but I figured it would be okay.

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I am writing this because it seems as though I have lost the pieces again. I have to admit that I completely need you right now. The thought of not having a session until Friday is completely overwhelming. It has kicked me in the stomach over and over again tonight.

I remember when we decided that 2x per week would be a good idea. You said it would be beneficial. You said that once my schedule changed, we would work with it. I felt somewhat safe; taken care of. Like maybe in some small way, things would be okay.

Then it occurred to me—here we are back to once per week. And that’s it. With the overwhelming offer to call when I need to. What the %#@&#! did you do to work with it? I don’t like to get hurt. Therefore, I don’t like to move in closer. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to. And I hate you for encouraging it. I %#@&#! hate you for understanding me in a way that no one else ever has. I really do, because it only makes things harder for me. If there were no you, I wouldn’t be upset like this right now. I want to destroy you. As much as I need you, I want to obliterate you. I want to take all the things that are supposed to connect me to you, and get rid of them. I want to rip up the %#@&#! McWilliams book and throw it in your face. I want to throw the medicine down the drain. I want you to leave me the %#@&#! alone. I don’t ever want to need you again.

When I got off the phone with my dad tonight, I imagined what it would be like one day when he is gone; when I would no longer have the opportunity to speak with him ever again. Then I thought what it would be like to no longer have the opportunity to speak with you. I wondered if maybe this Friday you are going to tell me that you are leaving. This terrified me, so I want to get rid of you.

But I know that I cannot physically eliminate you. And I know that I am not emotionally strong enough to walk away. So I feel like I want to destroy things that have elements of you. I found out today that in a small way I had connected. That I was internalizing what you had said about the medication. I know this because I took it properly last night. But I did not take it this afternoon. I don’t think I am ready to be connected. But perhaps I am writing this letter in an attempt to be— but I am not sure because emotions are too intense right now.

This is quite insightful on your part. You seem to know what is going on. It's hard to feel we need our therapists when we have been so hurt in he past.Are you going to give it to him? Maybe just writing it and talking about will help. Your feelings are very normal. As far as I know people have these feelings often in therapy. try to pick up and know it's par of the work. It hurts but it does feel better for many people.

Thanks Wise. I might read it to him, or at least parts of it. He really likes me to bring in stuff that I write because it gives him an idea of exactly what was going on with me at a particular moment in time. When I describe things to him, I often detach from the emotionality of the subject, or talk about things in a very analytical way-- so bringing in the writing is sometimes my only chance to show him what was going on in my head at that precise moment in time ... until I learn how to show more emotion in the room with him.

Pink.. He is not going to leave you................ really. I know the fear is real... but he is not.

Much like my T now has my number.... your T has your number and how anxiety producing is that... vulnerable...wide open. Scarey. Now... what do you do with it? When shall you decide to connect?

Can you tell us more about your dad.... age, health, your relationship?

Wow! What an outpouring of emotion. I think you are like me in that you are better at expressing emotions in writing rather than verbally in the T's office.
I hope you work up the guts to share some of that letter with T. I told my T that she is not allowed to leave. I am glad that you have internalized some of T. I find the internalizing of T to be very strange, creepy and pleasant all in one.

Wow that's a really intense letter. I hope you read some of it to him. I often feel kind of detached in therapy too -- I'll be describing something painful but with the deadest voice. Like it was a program I watched or a book I was reading or something. He always helps me with questions about it and tries to get me to tell me more about my feelings. It's hard though.

Sidony

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Hopefull said:
I told my T that she is not allowed to leave

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I did this too with my T. But I know mine is moving out of state someday. At first he was like "I can't move?" all sweet and then he said "well it's not a forgone conclusion yet and even if I do I'll still have a place here" and then later on in the session he said he wanted to foster a "healthy dependence vs. an unhealthy dependence" with me. This all happened in one session!!!!

I still say, he can't move, he's mine and needs to cancel all of his other clients so he will have time for me whenever I need it. I hope I never hit the lottery, that would be his worst nightmare realized!!!!