Your definition of LOVE

Another thread has had me thinking about what I really define love as.

I believe that I’ve always seen love as a form of obedience, until I woke up.

Here’s what I came up with for me.

Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with someone and to be really known by them and feel accepted and valued - endeared to them.

I was curious of other people’s definition of what they define love as.

My favourite quote comes from British Pianist James Rhodes. "Love is like Disney on crack. It's dangerous."

I used to think I wanted the all consuming kind of love of Romeo and Juliet. Now I think I would settle for feeling safe, to feel cared for, respected and appreciated.

It's a feeling that goes beyond words for me.

T and i were just talking about this today!

I told him how, when i was living with my mother some twelve years ago, occasionally this old guy, long beard, somewhat shabbily dressed, with a big scraggily dog, would be walking down our street. Whenever she happened to see him, she would call me and say, "come here, your boyfriend is outside right now."

I told t, there were good times with my mom, they werent all bad times, but i dont think she recognized them as good times. Like that one, with the guy and his dog. Then we talked about was that negative attention or positive attention?

Anyway, i think my definition of love is skewed.

For me it is respect, truth, compassion, and companionship all rolled up together.

Healthy love to me is respecting and honoring each other; it's wanting what is best for that person.

Love is not need--you need to breathe--healthy love is a choice. I could live without my husband, but I choose to be with him--in that way it's stronger than need.

Being with him, makes me a better person--and visa versa....

I think love has a level of sacrifice.

I like bell hook's definition: "To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients - care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication."

For me, loving someone is simultaneously wanting and attempting to be brutally transparent and real with them, and them with me, while also somehow continuing to desire and value their presence.

Love is non-possessive. That's what therapy has taught me.

Reminds me of a quote by Maya Angelou."Love liberates."

I have no freaking clue. *sigh* I know what love isn't? Love isn't parents who constantly belittle and abuse their children. Love isn't unquestioning obedience. Love isn't full of resentment or guilt. Love isn't cheating spouses or a complete disregard for your partners feelings. I know a lot about what love ISN'T, I frequently question if I even can love if I don't even know what it is or what it feels like. I read somewhere that love is a concept that is taught to us by our parents so I'm pretty sure I am screwed when it comes to that emotion.

But I also might be in a dark, unhappy place right now.

You just know.

Yeah, this is kind of how I feel. I've been thinking about this question and can't figure out how to describe it. It's just a feeling, a sense.

The way my dog looks at me on my worst days. The way he wants to be with me no matter what. That's real love

Thank you.

I agree with you on what it’s not.

I hear you on being screwed when it comes to emotion.

My place right now is not too bright either.

I have to believe that there is healing and a peeling away of the hurt.

Maybe?

This so feels like what my ultimate safe place of love would be. It’s what my heart craves, but it’s so very scary to actually open myself to it.

I get lost in the part of being good enough to be desirable and valuable to them.

What does non-possessive mean?

I mean that seriously.

Does it mean that you are not someone’s property?

Anatomy?

I’m just getting an understanding of that word.

Sacrifice.

That’s always been my feeling of it.

To me that borders on obedience and self sacrifice.

That’s just the feeling in me that I don’t matter and what I need or desire has no value.

That’s just me and where I come from.

I agree.

Those sound great as things that someone looks for in love. It gets really out of balance when you are going into it trying to make those things for the other person for your benefit.

That sounds selfish but in some way it’s what we go looking for. Right?

Not to sacrifice yourself, as in who you are. But making sacrifices for the betterment of the other person. Like a friend who needs to talk at midnight even though you're in bed. Things like that. The less you're willing to sacrifice, the less you probably care about that person; the more you sacrifice probably the more you care. But you should never sacrifice who you are. If they care about you, they'll never ask that of you.

This hits close to home for me. My sister thinks she has to be submissive in her relationship in order to be happy. But she is losing herself. Then she has outbursts of anger, depression, anxiety. She is completely unhappy. But she doesn't realize she's in a vicious cycle. She just wants her boyfriend to love her. Sorry for getting off track...

My wife asked me this several years ago when we were going through a bad time because of thing i was doing. i won't put here what i wrote her because it was several pages. to sum it up there are different types of love. family love is what you have for family that you still like, even if you hate them once in a while. friend love is care about a friend enough to be there when they need you and they would do the same to you. relationship love is like a industrial fire works show. pretty at times, loud at times, and deadly/dangerous if someone is not paying attention. not sure if this makes sense to anyone. not real good at putting thought to "paper" any more.

Hugs if you want them. I know the feeling all too well too.

I hope there is healing and peeling away of the hurt. I hope there is a way to find a healthy form of love because I know my way of approaching it is incredibly unhealthy.

This. So much this.


Your sister could be me. The thing is, my girlfriend doesn't ask for me to sacrifice anything but I do it because I care and I want us to work but I am losing myself so much. I do recognize that I was 100% groomed to be this way by my parents and that is what love is to me. Love is putting all other needs above my own. Love is denying my hopes in dreams out of fear that it might inconvenience my significant other. Love is an overwhelming fear of rejection. Love is painful.

(Sorry....still in that dark place....)