Friend issues

I've known my friend since high school (20 years). We hated each other back then. High school drama and all that. My husband also went to high school with me and was friends with this friend. After our first child was born he set up coffee with me and her and we hit it off. We became very best friends. I had my 3rd child on her birthday and she spent the evening in the hospital with me. I was there when she was battling cancer. We've laughed and cried together. She is more than a friend, she is family.

The last couple years have been rough as she has a lot going on and I've been struggling badly with my mental health. I was on the psych ward back in sept/Oct and she visited me once. I haven't seen her since. I texted her merry Christmas and she said it back. We haven't spoken at all since. Not even interacting on Facebook.

I have borderline personality disorder. I am working with a therapist to manage my thoughts an emotions. I was hurt so I sent her a text saying I missed her and asking if we were still friends or if she had moved on. I got zero response for 24 hours so I sent her a Facebook message asking if she got my text. She said she did, she was busy and she can't use her phone at work but she would send me a message later.

It's been 3 days since the first message. Reverse the situation and there is no way I would let one of my friends go 3 days feeling uncertain about our friendship.

So I know I have BPD. I know I'm extremely emotional. I know I have abandonment issues and I react strongly from hurt. So I'm asking for your opinion. What would you do in my shoes?

I think you should thoroughly inspect yourself to see if you may have said something wrong to her. Sometimes people keep distance when something bad has been set or thrown by another
If you can't find anything... then just sort it out with your therapist

I would send only one more message. Make it very simple. If it were me, I'd say "I miss you but I feel like I'm a bother to you, because you haven't been responding." But, I have very few friends so what do I know?

I would be hurt too in your situation. I agree with SorryShaped. Maybe just one more message. If she doesn't respond, then it sounds like she doesn't value the friendship the way you do.

I am notorious for blaming myself for everything. My therapist doesn't want me to do that. If the friend won't talk to me it is unhealthy for me to speculate what she may be thinking. I can't fix things if she won't tell me what is wrong.

I'd probably stew for a small while. Because honestly, times like you describe are painful. Of course it hurts.

Then, I'd move on. A friendship that isn't honest, isn't really much of one.

Like you, I wouldn't make a friend wait to sooth or confront. Doesn't sound like she deserves your friendship.

Friends may drift with the busyness of life, but avoid, they do not.

I understand where you are coming from and I tend to agree-- I would no allow a friend to wait, while wondering, for days.

I might though, if I were VERY overwhelmed and/or VERY depressed. In these cases, I might let it slide, even though it would be rare.

I admire your self-awareness.

I think I'd give it a few more days and possibly another text. I think I'd say I'm a little anxious about our relationship and would appreciate hearing from you, or something similar. A similar message would catch my attention even if I were, otherwise, overwhelmed.

You are right, blaming yourself and/or making up excuses/reasons for your friend are not most healthy.

It sounds like you are really trying to be reasonable... and are succeeding in doing so.

I hope you hear from your friend.


WC

You asked her point blank if she had moved on and in four days you have not gotten an actual response to the question.

If it were me, I would conclude that I have my answer and I would not contact her further. However, if at any time in the future she were to contact me in a friendly way I would welcome her.

I’m so sorry for the pain that these last months, and especially these last few days, have brought you in connection with her.

(((((TheSadGirl)))))

(((((( TheSadGirl ))))))

I am sorry you are in this very tough situation.
I do hope you hear from your friend soon.


WC

I think that I would need more context in my humble opinion for me to decide what I would do, but I am not asking you to divulge more, TheSadGirl.

Based on what you said and your question, maybe, wait a few days (the weekend) as other members have suggested. Then, text her or even call her during her off work hours if you are aware of them. Attempt to be explicit through your words once again about reconnecting with her and even ask if there was/is any past events that might serve as an explanation for the lack of interaction between you two.

If she does not reply or replies with a distant message (oral or verbal,) then, perhaps, just leave the relationship with her as in stop trying. You seem to be reaching out to her, but she does not seem to be reaching back to you.

Please, do not blame yourself.

Sometimes it takes time to word replies in the best way to be honest yet kind. She may be having a hard time coming up with the right words to express her thoughts.

OR she may just really be busy. I have had times like that where I just really don't have time to write a thoughtful reply & it just has to wait until I do have time.

Be patient....3 days is not much time.....really when we used the post office mail to respond sometimes it would take weeks to get a reply. We have become too used to everything having to be instantanious.

She said she would "send you a message later" trust her that she will. If she never does, then you know where she is coming from. If she does, then you know she was just busy.

I also agree totally with what Bill said.

I am so sorry. If I were you, I would be so hurt... in fact, I did have a similar experience with my childhood friend and that friendship ended five years ago however I am still grieving that loss.
I don’t know your friend, or her communication style, her approach to handling conflict or her ability to sharing her emotions.
With that being said, if I were you, I would not contact her anymore. I am in complete agreement with Bill.
She either does not have anything positive to say or she is giving you the silent treatment or she is incapable of handling conflict.
I agree with your therapist; meaning if she has a reason for not communicating with you anymore, she should kindly come forward and share her feelings and issues. A friend shouldn’t let someone wait and worry, especially if that someone has been a close friend and has an illness.

Me personally? I'd flag her. End the relationship which is not really a relationship. It's unfortunate because you guys have been through a lot together in the past but that's what I'd do - and it's probably half the reason why I'm alone, but still - in the situation you described you're not being respected. They may make 101 excuses but the fact remains, you're not being respected.

I would call her and ask her if I did something that upset her? Why are you standing on ceremony with your best friend? I wouldn’t obsess over wondering what I did. I would just call her. If she won’t take your call, leave a message. “Did I do something to upset you? Please call me when you can.”

I agree with this 100%. You are not a mind reader. If you did something that upset her, she needs to tell you so you can address it.

Agree with this 100%.

Any update, SadGirl?

I’d step back and give it more time. It hurts though

I am an emotionally driven person who is impulsive and I always tell people how i feel. I decided to try a new approach. Wait for the impulse and heated feelings to pass. This is a really big step for me.

After 5 days she has not responded. The only excuse I was given is that she is busy, yet I see her on Facebook all the time when I'm talking to other friends. In my opinion friends don't ignore each other.

So today I blocked her on my phone and Facebook. I also deleted most of her family from Facebook as well. She is still friends with my husband and I'm fine with that. I did not say anything else to her because I don't want to fight or hurt her feelings or mine. It's open ended though. If things change down the road I will be here. If they don't, I'm grateful for the memories.

I am so proud of you as this is a very calm and a classy approach. There is no reason, as you said, to talk about something that is so obvious (meaning her silence tells us what we already know) as it will most likely be a dramatic conversation in which you might say things that later you will regret. And, as much as I think what she did is unacceptable, she, for whatever reason, is choosing not to communicate with you and you are respecting her silent (and coward ) response.
I know how difficult it is to hold back your emotions while you so want to get the answers about the obscurities of this friendship. You are practicing 'letting go with class' and I admire you for that. Thank you for inspiring me.

(((((( TheSadGirl ))))))

Thinking of you.


WC

((((TheSadGirl))))

Sounds like a positive step.

I would see if she is really still a very good friend. It sounds almost as if she just abandoned you due to you going through a rough times. I would try contacting her maybe one or two more times and then that's it. Given that you guys used to hate each other, it is possible that she reverted back to her old ways. I hope not but who knows. I had a friend do this to me. She didn't like me at first. She denied it but her actions said it all. It was so obvious through her actions that if she had just simply said she didn't like me, I would not have been surprised. But then we seemed to have become good friends. But then, as you may have guessed from my previous posts in the past, she just cut me off. I wonder if your friend did the same kind of thing. I hope not but it sounds that way. :/

The above emoticon encapsulates what I am thinking and feeling better than words - it wasn't a short cut to a comment. I don't know where you started from on your mental health journey, but there are plenty of folks out there who never needed to address mental health concerns that would do well to take a lesson from you.

First on the surface I would say I agree with others in relation to the idea that this is not her acting as your friendship is valuable right now. I do also believe in most cases it would be appropriate to just let it go after one more message but that being said...

You mentioned you've been friends 20 yrs so there could be more context to this that is left out in your brief post. You also mention that you've been struggling yourself and she's been busy. Somehow you know that she's been busy which implies some interaction going on.

I am not making any judgments based on what you've said because I have a few questions related to the past 20 yrs. You should and probably do know her very well. My question is, is this really that out of the ordinary for her or was she known to be distant in phases over your life? The way you state things in your post it seems as though you are very unsure of her behavior but is it that she's really acting that much out of character or is it that your bpd is reacting badly and some of this may be over playing the whole story in your head about what could be going on, what she's thinking etc. Because sometimes our imagination gets the best of us and we play things out in our head, it gets exaggerated and overblown as we spiral out of control in our minds.

So I would honestly take a step back and give yourself some distance from the trigger first before making any decisions which may strongly affect what I would guess is an otherwise good and long relationship you've had with your friend.

You're bpd, I'm going to guess she either knows your behavior and knows your dx (due to being a long time friend and therefore trusted) or just knows how sometimes fears can get to you. either way she likely knows your tendencies related to fear of abandonment correct? How did she react before? Is this typical? Has all this happened before?

These questions are important because when we spiral out of control, its typically out of context of reality and the bigger picture. we zoom in on the failures, the issues, the behaviors of another etc... and forget the rest of the story.

I honestly feel you should take some time and ponder those questions

Hope this helps.