[salukigirl]

recently i have been very scared about how much i love my boyfriend. we have been together about 2 years and he is still head over heels. i mean calls me all the time, sends me emails, always wants to hold me and hug me and always tells me how much he loves me. i like being with him and we have fun but i dont have the same intense feelings that he says he does. and that scares me. mostly because he is totally perfect for me and treats me so well... so how can i not love him the way he loves me? then i come up with crazy things to be mad about and i feel like im just sabotaging myself because deep down i dont feel the same. and i dont feel physically attracted to him like i used to. he wants sex much more than me, and not just normal guy type a deal. i mean i hardly ever want it. maybe once or twice a month i genuinely want sex. anyone else ever feel like this? its starting to scare me that his feelings arent dwindling at all while mine are.

[kimmydawn]

In not comparing your feelings to his, I have a question...

Do you still love him?

I ask that because, all longer term relationship have valleys and can become a bit stale...and not with both partners at the same time. If the love and dedication is there, it usually resolves with sometimes some hard work.

KD

[salukigirl]

yes i do. i still often randomly think about how lucky i am to have him throughout the day. but then once i get home its like it all goes away. i dont know why i always think about him when im gone but then when im home its like i push him away.

[kimmydawn]

Hmm, that is interesting.

I know I did that several years ago in my own relationship. It was like the cloud began looming on the drive home and descended the minute I walked through the door.

I thought it was my husband and began resenting it/him. I realized that it wasn't my husband but that he was just a part of that "cloud".

I felt overwhelmed when I came home. It was hard for me to go from working, just to walk through the door to more work and demands...I wished I'd just stayed where I was. I would dream of coming home to feel a relief and sense of "home" and I'd end up feeling unsettled and disappointed.

I felt unnoticed for what was important to me though he was doting to me personally. I didn't necessarily want that kind of attention because I had other needs...needs he was missing completely.

I needed acknowledgments in ways that he wasn't picking up on. When I needed space it's like he knew it and then felt threatened by it, smothering me more. When I needed cuddling, he was on the couch. He'd hand me money to pay the bills when I needed him to share the responsibility. We were just way out of sync. All along he's thinking he's doing good and helping, and he was but not in the ways that I needed.

Could that be it? Could it be that he's just a part of the bigger picture, but is central to it as well? At work, he's precious and you're lucky. When you get home, he's not giving you what you really need and desire in the mix?

I think you're on the right track in knowing where the difficulty might be and when you figure it out, talking with him might help. Explain to him that you feel awful when you come home and though you know it's not him, he's there and you don't like feeling that way? He sounds like the kind of guy who would try to help you pinpoint what's going on and work with you.

What do you think?

KD

[salukigirl]

he does try and help when i let him know that things like that are going on.

he is probably about 100 times more affectionate than me. my family just isnt that way. i didnt tell my dad i love him (and he didnt tell me) until i was about 16 and 17 and it felt awkward so i just dont deal with affection very well and he knows that.

he generally picks up on when i just want to be left alone and hell ask me if its him a couple times but when i say no he generally leaves me alone.

the biggest problem it seems that we have is that well both say the same thing but not realize it. so well argue over something when we have the same views. its like were saying the same words but its not coming out to where we understand that were actually on the same page. my mom and i do the same thing.

youre right, i dont feel on the same page as him. last night was the first time in a long time that i have. were moving back to dayton and he was actually excited and planning stuff out when usually im the one doing everything.

i have had a long history of depression so i think i might just be depressed again but im around him the most so he is who im taking it out on.

[AAAAA]

salukigirl,

It could be the depression. I went through that a few years ago. People would comment on how lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband, I'd agree. I'd think of all the wonderful things that he does for me and the kids. Everything was good until I opened our front door. I'd be angry and frustrated for no reason, no idea where it came from. Good luck to you

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
salukigirl said:
.. so how can i not love him the way he loves me? then i come up with crazy things to be mad about and i feel like im just sabotaging myself because deep down i dont feel the same. and i dont feel physically attracted to him like i used to. he wants sex much more than me, and not just normal guy type a deal. i mean i hardly ever want it. maybe once or twice a month i genuinely want sex. anyone else ever feel like this? its starting to scare me that his feelings arent dwindling at all while mine are.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Salukigirl, I'm in a similar place-- questioning if I really love him or if I am just feeling obligated to love him because he loves me. The difference in my case is that my husband does not always treat me so well. (This issue is still a work in progress.) I was hoping that as we started to resolve some of our household issues my feelings for him would return and the physical connection part would resolve itself. This has not happen yet, which leave me thinking --maybe I just don't love him anymore.

So to answer your question 'Has anyone else ever felt like this?---YES. Does it scare me?, YES!, How does one fix the problem?-- Sorry I am still struggling with this one.

I hope you can work though this and regain your connection with your BF

[salukigirl]

thanks guys. sucked feeling like i was a horrible girlfriend. doesnt help that the job market sucks so bad down here that we both have to have 2 jobs just to get by. hence, im not going to school next semester and working so we can afford to move back to dayton. the time that i felt the best with him was when we first moved down here and it took about 3 weeks to find a job. we were together 24/7 for about 3 weeks and we were both happy. i keep trying to tell him that money isnt a big deal and to quit his second job but he feels obligated so that we can have all this fancy crap. i think he is starting to see now though that him working 70 hours a week is killing us.

you guys have really been a big help just letting me vent. thank you.

[chaotic13]

Sounds like you have a lot of things going on. I wish you the best.. It sounds like you two are at least talking about things. Hopefully as you make the transition through these changes and reduce the external stress your feeling. You will feel more up to reconnecting with him.

[kimmydawn]

I wish you so well with the move and hope it's a new start...to the comfortable.

I'm sorry to read that you live with depression, and you're right...that could be a factor.

BTW, I'm just 20 mins south of dayton. Welcome back.

KD

[salukigirl]

thats cool. i grew up in centerville my whole life. were probably moving back to fairfield so i guess more cincinnati. the drive to oxford is too far from south dayton and fairfield is a central location. my mom is in centerville, his parents in west chester and school in oxford.

i guess we thought the grass would be greener here. it is, literally. but thats the only thing southern illinois has going for them. nobody knows what a right of way is. or a stop sign for that matter. last night i stopped at the red light to look left and then turn right on red. i wasnt even stopped for a full 3 seconds and the guy behind me honked lol. and i was just thinking.... you would have never stopped if i werent here.

anyways... now im just ranting. thanks for all your help. hopefully i grow some courage and talk to him soon.