My family frequently calls me selfish and other negative social adjectives
What they don't understand is had they encouraged me and given me more resources to grow from, I could be a great giver
Unfortunately, since no one tends to my wounds (except for potentially a therapist) and as it seems I am in a position of suicide ideation, I turn out to be very selfish, but my family doesn't care why, only to be angry at me for it
"You never care about us", "You're an anti-social" - all met with outbrusts of anger and huge disrespect towards me, which really hurts

I really don't want to be caring for someone who disregard what I've gone through and just goes angry at me for things which are not my fault
But those kind of people create only more faults - themselves

I have no idea what to do

I guess I am just venting

[Deejay14]

VO,
If you are now an adult, you can become the person YOU want to become. It may take work on your part but you dont have to be defined by negative experiences in the past going forward.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

VO,
If you are now an adult, you can become the person YOU want to become. It may take work on your part but you dont have to be defined by negative experiences in the past going forward.

The person I want to become is blocked by a self-diagnosed CPTSD caused by my ex therapist. Besides, adults usually have back-ups, like parents and friends. I have none, because the people I knew never ever backed me up

[Deejay14]

The person you want to be is not blocked by anything.CPtsd can't take who you want to become away from you. YOU and you only are in charge of who you want to become. If you want to be a giver start finding ways to give you time and energy to something or someone. There are causes out there to match your interest. If you are going to get better you need to take responsibility for that. As an adult you have to take control of your life. Continuing to blame is not going to solve anything. It just reinforces all the negative stuff. You don't need backups to become a better person. It only takes a desire from you to start.

In agreement. It seems to me you are falling into the trap of the blame game. I am seeing a person who finds it easier to blame someone else than taking personal responsibility; whether that be responsibility for their lot in life or responsibility to change it. I get that the people around you haven't been supportive - including your therapist. But this does not discount that you owe it to yourself to make change. These people don't owe you anything more. They won't change. BUT YOU CAN.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

The person you want to be is not blocked by anything.CPtsd can't take who you want to become away from you. YOU and you only are in charge of who you want to become. If you want to be a giver start finding ways to give you time and energy to something or someone. There are causes out there to match your interest. If you are going to get better you need to take responsibility for that. As an adult you have to take control of your life. Continuing to blame is not going to solve anything. It just reinforces all the negative stuff. You don't need backups to become a better person. It only takes a desire from you to start.

The problem not acknowledged nowadays is that there are people who hurt. Worse yet, there are some people who intentionally hurt
This isn't about "being an adult and taking responsibility" anymore. This is about questioning - do I really want to live in a world where people hurt and no one does anything about those same people who hurt?

Originally Posted by justafriend306

In agreement. It seems to me you are falling into the trap of the blame game. I am seeing a person who finds it easier to blame someone else than taking personal responsibility; whether that be responsibility for their lot in life or responsibility to change it. I get that the people around you haven't been supportive - including your therapist. But this does not discount that you owe it to yourself to make change. These people don't owe you anything more. They won't change. BUT YOU CAN.

Therapists are the first people who owe you change because they are literally paid for it
And parents owe to give you the life you want. Some parents give birth to children for their own gains, and hardly, if ever, think of the child's future gains

[Deejay14]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Therapists are the first people who owe you change because they are literally paid for it
And parents owe to give you the life you want. Some parents give birth to children for their own gains, and hardly, if ever, think of the child's future gains

No..thera lists HELP you change. They can't do it for you no matter how much you pay them if you don't want to. Parents are responsible for financial and family care until you are a n 18 year ild...if you are lucky they might help you pay for college of they have resources. They DO NOT owe you the life you want. Only you are responsible for building the life you want. It's called growing up.

[12AM]

I think it’s not as simple as “you’re an adult, you are responsible for your own recovery”. I do agree that we are the ones who have to decide to walk on the path to recovery, however some of C-PTSD main symptoms are helplessness and hopelessness which one cannot overcome without the support of others. I don’t have any therapist, I’m not living in a country where getting a therapist is relatively easy, but I do have a supportive fiancé who understands my illness. That’s how I manage to get better from C-PTSD.

Obsidian, I’m sorry you have a bad experience with your ex-therapist. I’d try to find a better therapist. Not all therapists would treat you as bad as they did. Nothing you can do to change your family behavior, but for friends, you can always try to make new ones. I wish you all the best.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

No..thera lists HELP you change. They can't do it for you no matter how much you pay them if you don't want to. Parents are responsible for financial and family care until you are a n 18 year ild...if you are lucky they might help you pay for college of they have resources. They DO NOT owe you the life you want. Only you are responsible for building the life you want. It's called growing up.

Yes, I am familiar with "growing up" very well
But you have to realize some people hinder growth for whatever reasons they have up their sleeves
Ignoring the fact people limit, depress, abuse and mistreat only allows the problems to continue and escalate
And I'm not talking about me or a select few in this matter

[Deejay14]

Do not make room in your life for those who try to hinder. If that is family it's not so cut and dry. VO if the only person you have to depend on is you than make the best of that. If option A is not available than go with an alternate option that you have control over. I have had the experience myself of family not getting it so now I have different boundaries with those family who cannot support me for whatever reason. Blaming yourself or blaming others does not help. It's just another wall to bump into which keeps you from moving forward. You can make the life you want with or without your parents support.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Do not make room in your life for those who try to hinder. If that is family it's not so cut and dry. VO if the only person you have to depend on is you than make the best of that. If option A is not available than go with an alternate option that you have control over. I have had the experience myself of family not getting it so now I have different boundaries with those family who cannot support me for whatever reason. Blaming yourself or blaming others does not help. It's just another wall to bump into which keeps you from moving forward. You can make the life you want with or without your parents support.

The life I want is a life where people who abuse don't get away with it
That's a broad thing to say, but when we experience some severities of abuse from people with whom you're supposed to build a life together, even if they are not from your own family, then there's a matter of a sensation of unsafety

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

The life I want is a life where people who abuse don't get away with it
That's a broad thing to say, but when we experience some severities of abuse from people with whom you're supposed to build a life together, even if they are not from your own family, then there's a matter of a sensation of unsafety

I understand how much it sucks to grow up being abused and nothing is ever done about it. That was my experience growing up as well. I spent my young 20s wishing that I could somehow get the parents I didn’t have or have someone make up for the fact that I grew up without love or safety. However, as much as I wish life worked that way, it doesn’t. In order to be a happier person, o had to give up on the idea of anyone else “fixing” things for me and just create my own life by myself. Put myself out there to make friends. Take care of my own emotional needs. Build my career on my own (including putting myself through my PhD). You can build the life you want, but you have to do it for yourself.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I understand how much it sucks to grow up being abused and nothing is ever done about it. That was my experience growing up as well. I spent my young 20s wishing that I could somehow get the parents I didn’t have or have someone make up for the fact that I grew up without love or safety. However, as much as I wish life worked that way, it doesn’t. In order to be a happier person, o had to give up on the idea of anyone else “fixing” things for me and just create my own life by myself. Put myself out there to make friends. Take care of my own emotional needs. Build my career on my own (including putting myself through my PhD). You can build the life you want, but you have to do it for yourself.

You're right
I just have insecurity regarding what I want to do. I want to create music and share the muses I have. I am working on finding a crowd, but one of the barriers for my drive is - "how will the long-term be?"
I want to make sure once I get into something, I can make enough money to sustain myself in the long run. So this is why for example, I do not hone the skill
It's hard for me. There are too many things to pick, but I am the kind of person who needs to make a pick and stick to it. It's hard for me to be flexible

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

do I really want to live in a world where people hurt and no one does anything about those same people who hurt?

I've asked myself this same question so many times. I've always answered "no" to this. There's another question I ask myself though, and that's "do I want to give myself a chance for it to be a tolerable life for me?" Usually the answer to that is "yes", but there have been two occasions that the answer was "no" and I've even given myself "just last to this age" requirements. I'm approaching one of those reqs in about 3 months. I too idealize suicide so I know the struggle for you. I don't really have any advice beyond trying to give yourself a chance and not letting others make you miserable because they don't deserve that power over you. I know it's much easier said than done, though.

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

I've asked myself this same question so many times. I've always answered "no" to this. There's another question I ask myself though, and that's "do I want to give myself a chance for it to be a tolerable life for me?" Usually the answer to that is "yes", but there have been two occasions that the answer was "no" and I've even given myself "just last to this age" requirements. I'm approaching one of those reqs in about 3 months. I too idealize suicide so I know the struggle for you. I don't really have any advice beyond trying to give yourself a chance and not letting others make you miserable because they don't deserve that power over you. I know it's much easier said than done, though.

It's either to go away from them or have a better stand than them. While I unfortunately do not have the tools to be able to do so, I do know they commit allot of bad immoral acts which only serve to serve themselves rather than any self-righteous goals

[Deejay14]

Unfortunately many times abusers get away with it. My abuser certainly did! I am not happy about that but if I allow myself to get stuck on that I am giving away my contentment. That was a process, not 5 or 6 sessions, but mostly work on my own. If you are a HF ASD then it might be worth it to have your therapist work on social skills with you. Doing this might help you develop a sense of trust and then you might feel better about talking about relationships of all sorts and work towards other subjects. Eventually you will have to find someone you trust, but that does not necessarily mean they will be in 100% agreement. Having a therapist is also a relationship that is fraught with disagreements at times and it is important to learn how to manage those things which can make then carry over into other relationships. It's a natural part of all relationships to disagree at times. It's just part of being human.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Unfortunately many times abusers get away with it. My abuser certainly did! I am not happy about that but if I allow myself to get stuck on that I am giving away my contentment. That was a process, not 5 or 6 sessions, but mostly work on my own. If you are a HF ASD then it might be worth it to have your therapist work on social skills with you. Doing this might help you develop a sense of trust and then you might feel better about talking about relationships of all sorts and work towards other subjects. Eventually you will have to find someone you trust, but that does not necessarily mean they will be in 100% agreement. Having a therapist is also a relationship that is fraught with disagreements at times and it is important to learn how to manage those things which can make then carry over into other relationships. It's a natural part of all relationships to disagree at times. It's just part of being human.

That is not a life to live, for me at least