This is an off-shoot of another (great) thread regarding sensitivities and expectations.

I admit I have become quite the complainer. It is sourced in my personal set of standards and expectations. I am aware they are higher than they should be. I am working on this just to let you all know.

When something though blatantly falls short of your standards and expectations I'd like to know what you do. Do you ignore it and let it fall by the wayside? Do you get vocal and take some sort of action? Why? How?

In my own case recently I was very disappointed with an art course I attended over the weekend. It was in no way indicative of the $275 I spent on fees (plus fuel money to drive the 3hrs). So I have thrown my weight around, caused some flack, and demanded my money back. Did I over react? I don't think so. I could not ignore this was my thinking. I had to take a stand. My reasoning too was that someone had to. And so once again I dove upon the sword and took one for the team.

[Taylor27]

I don't think you over reacted, i hope you get a refund for the course that was not what you had hope for. I have gone to courses that i have paid into and have been disappointed and have had a tough time getting a refund.

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

I don't think you over reacted, i hope you get a refund for the course that was not what you had hope for. I have gone to courses that i have paid into and have been disappointed and have had a tough time getting a refund.

Getting the refund is always nice, but I admit there is some gratification in not standing down.

There are times though when I just can't bring myself to it. When someone has slighted me for instance. I balk at advocating for myself. I can stand up for someone else (or in this case the group)but generally allow myself to get walked over when it is just me who has been wronged. Does anyone else experience this?

[*Laurie*]

It seems that whenever I truly feel that someone has done me an injustice and I stand up for myself people come down on me and just won't let it go. I get accused of being "out of control" (I usually don't feel that I am; I'm usually just expressing righteous anger). In therapy I'm always told to prioritize self-care and assert myself when I feel someone has crossed my boundaries. But when I put that into practice it just goes all wrong. I often wonder if, because I am usually kind and empathetic, that when I become angry people are *shocked* that I am not always kind and empathetic. It's like...OH! She doesn't want to be walked all over! She must have gone crazy! Is she taking her meds?!

I end up, almost every time, feeling like I need to be nice ALL of the time. Or I need to be absolutely tranq'ed on high doses of meds so I keep my mouth shut. Because if I dare to stand up for myself it just seems like the people close to me are completely non-supportive. Due to that I tend to isolate a lot. Who wouldn't....

Gosh *Laurie* you have explained and related to this rather well. Yep, when the quiet timid girl suddenly stands up and takes a stand she must obviously be off her meds.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Gosh *Laurie* you have explained and related to this rather well. Yep, when the quiet timid girl suddenly stands up and takes a stand she must obviously be off her meds.

Yep. A stunning example of mental illness stigma, as well as discrimination against a woman who uses her voice to speak out.

[Sasqautch]

I never complain when i should or ask for help. Been like that since i was a kid and it makes life hard sometimes. I learned to just withdraw as a kid after my teacher in my first year would call me a liar and stupid and would lock me in a closet. She would be fired years later for verbally and emotionally abusing students.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Sasqautch

I never complain when i should or ask for help. Been like that since i was a kid and it makes life hard sometimes. I learned to just withdraw as a kid after my teacher in my first year would call me a liar and stupid and would lock me in a closet. She would be fired years later for verbally and emotionally abusing students.

Well, I'm glad the monster was eventually fired.

[riptide53]

Laurie- just wanted to let you know that you did what you thought was right as well as what empowered you. It's been a good while I learned to stand up for myself but when I know I should I have no compunction about doing it. And more so these days it seems the consumer gets the shaft sometimes without even realizing it. Others' opinions of what you do are useless and unimportant especially when you know you've advocated for yourself. You go girl!!!

Thanks everyone. I feel a sense of vindication now.

[eskielover]

I always have stood up for myself from the time I was in grade school. Pribably because I saw my oarents NEVER standing up for anything & I didn't like what I saw in them & I knew thay wouldn't stand up for me so I learned to do it myself. Maybe I was born with that gene.

When I first moved here, I had an agreement about how much I was going to be charged for my rental car. Wgen it came to turning it in the cost doubled. I fought & won.

I am dealibg with something right now actually. My divorce lawyer required the NORMAL retainer for what a normal divorce costs. Only thing, my H never responded so he has never had to spend time talking or negotiating with anyone. I don't mind spending that miney to get it accomplished but then I get a bill for the warning order attorney which cihld very eell come out of the unacckunted for money I have paid in the retainer that he will never spend the time to earn completely....sooooo, I am standing up for the fact that the fee should come out of the money I have already paid him. We will see, but I always have my logic & arguments totally out together before ever approaching a conflict.

Actually DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness provides really good guidelines to folliw if it doesn't come naturally & even if it does, it helps to organuze ones thoughts & approach.

Had a conflict with my pakn specialist a year ago. I didn't win the the conflict but I came up with another solutikn for myself & never went back. I basically won because the care Ibwas going to get wasn't worth the money Ibwas paying & I got the treatment from my GP to do it at home fir myself that the pain specialist refused to provide I told me I could just come in more often as they lowered the med.....screw them. When I feel wronged I usualky come up with my oen solution. Now I have a good support sysyem to run everything by so I don't have to just depend on my iwn thinking like I had to the rest of my life.

Sometimes I use life circumstances as reasons to cover up a real reaskn so I don't hurt someone. Like in my perfirmibg dance group, I was ok with the partner I had for the waltz performance but his bunnyhop with the tango I just couldn't handle. It was justvat the time ehen a lot if personal stress came up with my divorce. I just bowed oyt if the group at a time when everyone had time to reorganize using tok much oersonal stress & not knowing when I might have to be out of town. It was true but I also just didn't want to dance with thst partner but didn't want to say anything tovhurt feelings & I really had no idea how thibgs were going to go in my life if they willingly made changes. It wouldn't be fair to anyone....so I looked at the big picture & decided that leavibg the group at that point in time was the best solution.....so loojibg at the BIG PICTURE usually determines my choice of how to react.

Usually if I have nothing to lose I alwaysstand up for how Ibam wronged & know exactly what my response will be if they balk at what I have to say.

[hprodf]

I don't think there's a balance of letting things go or standing up. For example, the course you asked for the refund may not have met your standards or expectations, in which case you can be justified in asking for a refund if they didn't do what they suggested they would on selling the course to you.

However, it's also about standing up for yourself/others productively. Such as when you demanded the refund did you just rant and rave or did you give justification as to why you believe a refund is due.

There are times, usually when the cost isn't worth the time or effort, to let things go. If someone makes joke about you then you don't always need to defend yourself if it's just a bit of fun. In fact, in that situation you'll show much more insecurity if you feel the need to defend yourself and ultimately the joke is harmless.

Originally Posted by hprodf

.......it's also about standing up for yourself/others productively. Such as when you demanded the refund did you just rant and rave or did you give justification as to why you believe a refund is due.

There are times, usually when the cost isn't worth the time or effort, to let things go. If someone makes joke about you then you don't always need to defend yourself if it's just a bit of fun. In fact, in that situation you'll show much more insecurity if you feel the need to defend yourself and ultimately the joke is harmless.

i just want to point out that I don't rant and rave. I point out each failure or situation with an example of the failure AND a suggestion of how it should have been according to what in my opinion ought to be a reasonable expectation. Where possible, I provide a recommended solution to ensuring the same problem doesn't repeat itself. When I say I get demanding, the wording looks more like, "I thus require a refund." Never do I use the word 'request'. Never do I rave.

Yes, you are right in that there are times it does seem better to let go and just avoid a lot of trouble. When the situation involves wrongs committed only towards myself for instance, I completely back down. However, when I see someone else being treated wrongly or am part of a larger group receiving the same I seem to grow a backbone.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Yep. A stunning example of mental illness stigma, as well as discrimination against a woman who uses her voice to speak out.

This is why I tell know one about my mental health issues. They can speculate all they want and whisper that I something is just not right with me.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

This is why I tell know one about my mental health issues. They can speculate all they want and whisper that I something is just not right with me.

I regret sharing as much as I have about my mental illness with my family. Sadly, as much as we love and respect each other, they (husband, children, sister) just don't get it. Practically every time my (adult) daughter disagrees with me she tells me she's very concerned about me and that she feels I need to talk with my pdoc. It gets damned annoying and at this point I feel like I can't be myself with her.

[hprodf]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

i just want to point out that I don't rant and rave. I point out each failure or situation with an example of the failure AND a suggestion of how it should have been according to what in my opinion ought to be a reasonable expectation. Where possible, I provide a recommended solution to ensuring the same problem doesn't repeat itself. When I say I get demanding, the wording looks more like, "I thus require a refund." Never do I use the word 'request'. Never do I rave.

Yes, you are right in that there are times it does seem better to let go and just avoid a lot of trouble. When the situation involves wrongs committed only towards myself for instance, I completely back down. However, when I see someone else being treated wrongly or am part of a larger group receiving the same I seem to grow a backbone.

That's good, I didn't want to suggest you ranted at them about a refund, but just asked the question to confirm. Frankly speaking, if you justified your reasons for a refund, you did nothing wrong.