I have to get this off my chest. My boyfriend is absolutely, hands down amazing and wonderful... BUT..... today... he did something that upset me.

I love the band, Phish, and so does he. Phish is HUGE and well known among Deadheads/hippies. My boyfriend has seen 99 Phish shows. I have seen like 25???

So Phish does these once in a while, every few years (?) 3-day camping/music festivals. I haven't gone to one in about 15 years???? My boyfriend has gone to nearly all of them (I think)?

Anyways, he's a FAR bigger fan than I am and has a TON of friends who also go to all these shows together. It's a big, enormously fun event that he absolutely loves.

I could do without the 3-day camping festival at this age... but for him, I would do it again.

Thing is, we can't go to the festival this summer because of me, my new job and finances...... I have other priorities financially, we would have to buy all the equipment we would need to camp (and I don't want to spend that money right now, and he doesn't have it himself), and I don't even know if I can take a day off that soon in my new job, or if I will have even earned a day off by then.

He has belabored over being upset that we cannot go, every single time it comes up with our friends.

Well, today he tells me that he is sad we're not going, that it's the first time he hasn't seen Phish in a whole year, that all his good pals are going, that they are sad we're not going, that Phish has been a huge part of his life etc etc, and well, after hearing this over and over again, I finally got upset.

I told him he needs to either go without me or drop the subject altogether. He refuses to go without me so he's opting not to go.

But now I am left feeling super upset and massively guilty over him not being able to go because of me... and mad at him for belaboring over something that to me, should not be a big deal -- but it is to him, and I need to understand and respect his feelings.

I am also very annoyed that he dumped all his feelings about it on me, when I already knew he was upset about not going, and when I already felt bad about it.

He is a great guy, who is normally very sensitive to my feelings.

I guess I am simply just venting, but I am still upset & feel very down spirited because it's all my fault we cannot go, and I know he's going to continue to quietly be upset about it. I wish he had never brought it up to me today and I wish he had just kept it to himself.

[healingme4me]

I used to be quasi pen pals/relay chat pals with this guy in college. I remember he mailed me a tape(yep, a cassette) of Phish. Great band, indeed!

It stinks that job and financial responsibility call, at the same time instead of bemoaning, I understand it would better to look at the bright side--your new job! And plan for the next year.

It's not like you didn't give him the out, in that he could just go without you.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I used to be quasi pen pals/relay chat pals with this guy in college. I remember he mailed me a tape(yep, a cassette) of Phish. Great band, indeed!

It stinks that job and financial responsibility call, at the same time instead of bemoaning, I understand it would better to look at the bright side--your new job! And plan for the next year.

It's not like you didn't give him the out, in that he could just go without you.

Yes, Phish is simply AWESOME!!! They are an amazing band -- PLUS, we are seeing Trey Anastasio play in just in a couple weeks! He's the lead singer/guitarits of Phish.

TY so much.. that helps..... I need to convey that to him, to look at the bright side. And yeah, I did give him the out.

Plus, I have to add to this. My boyfriend grew up very rich and very spoiled, and even though he is independent and his family lost all their wealth, he still has a bit of this kind of privileged approach to finances and all things in life. His parents used to pay for all his concerts, even into early adulthood...... I think he is just not that used to living on a budget, and it really really gets to him sometimes.

[graystreet]

I’m quite familiar with Phish. Along the same vein, my ex-fiancé (from way back) and I used to go to DMB shows quite a lot because he was kind of a groupie, having actually traveled with them the previous summer to hook up to their sound board to record bootlegs. Also, he was friendly with one of the band members, and we got in for free. It was a good time. Then he decided that he was over that little passion and didn’t want to go anymore. I still really liked them, so it became an issue when they’d come within reasonable driving distance and JG didn’t want to go (I have too many J names in my past). But it was his decision, his reasons, and just because I didn’t have a free ticket wasn’t actually preventing me from taking another friend.

It’s hard not to feel guilty for how your bf feels, but you simply can’t go. There isn’t anything to be done about it. He has the choice to go on his own, he chooses not to. Therefore, it isn’t your fault that he is upset, here. He’s making his own choice. And it’s not like Phish is going to suddenly stop touring and you’ll miss the boat. It’s Phish. But, at some point adult responsibilities have to take precedence over our desire to be free and be part of the hippie culture I’m having my own issues reconciling that lately. And I’ve been an adult a long long time.

Originally Posted by graystreet

It’s hard not to feel guilty for how your bf feels, but you simply can’t go. There isn’t anything to be done about it. He has the choice to go on his own, he chooses not to. Therefore, it isn’t your fault that he is upset, here. He’s making his own choice. And it’s not like Phish is going to suddenly stop touring and you’ll miss the boat. It’s Phish. But, at some point adult responsibilities have to take precedence over our desire to be free and be part of the hippie culture I’m having my own issues reconciling that lately. And I’ve been an adult a long long time.

YES, YES & YES! I think my bf kinda likes to put fun first, I've learned. I am the more responsible, level headed one in our relationship -- not that he's not responsible -- he is. But I am his logic and reason. He often has fantastical ideas that are not rooted in reality, lol.

And yeah, that culture certainly lends to wanting to be free spirited!!! It's SO easy to get caught up in it -- this show, that show, what's next? Let's go!!! LOL.

And with the Grateful Dead being gone, with Jerry Garcia long gone and John Mayer not being quite the best replacement for him? Well, Phish then at least is still together and touring..... for now. They did split once years ago then got back together.

Anyways, it's great hearing there are a couple of Phish fans in the crew here & I hear ya!

[healingme4me]

[unaluna]

Just for context, how old are you guys? Does he have a job? Are you planning on having children?

Originally Posted by unaluna

Just for context, how old are you guys? Does he have a job? Are you planning on having children?

He's going to turn 46 next week and I am 47. We both work. He's been in his career for 24 years. No kids, & don't want kids, neither of us.

[TishaBuv]

You by-passed all the years I’ve had of not being able to do things that I’d like to do because of having children. It sounds like Phish is the new Grateful Dead. Too bad your bf can’t just pay for you both to go. Since he was raised wealthy, too bad he didn’t become wealthy on his own accord so you can follow the band.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You by-passed all the years I’ve had of not being able to do things that I’d like to do because of having children. It sounds like Phish is the new Grateful Dead. Too bad your bf can’t just pay for you both to go. Since he was raised wealthy, too bad he didn’t become wealthy on his own accord so you can follow the band.

Yes.. Phish is definitely like the new Grateful Dead..... in fact, the lead singer of Phish has played with the Dead a few times.....

If he got this job with Ferrari that just came up yesterday, we may actually be able to afford it...... Hmm......... the festival itself is a $250 ticket, plus camping fees.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry that you're upset. But I think you'll both be able to get through it - especially if it's the first time something like this happened.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Sorry that you're upset. But I think you'll both be able to get through it - especially if it's the first time something like this happened.

Thanks, Mickey! We did talk about it yesterday and we're both fine now. Everything is great between us again.

[TishaBuv]

Free love ain’t cheap, baby. Yes, don’t be too hard on your guilt feelings. That’s a relationship and both need the maturity to handle the set backs and hurdles.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Free love ain’t cheap, baby. Yes, don’t be too hard on your guilt feelings. That’s a relationship and both need the maturity to handle the set backs and hurdles.

YES, we do! I am glad we talked it over last night. I feel far better than I did when I first posted this thread.

[divine1966]

46? I’d be somewhat concerned that at 46 and after 24 year long career he has no money for camping gear (?)etc One doesn’t need to be wealthy to buy camping gear and concert tickets. And he didn’t raise children, has no financial obligation to kids or ex wives.

It would be concerning to me re his financial situation (unless maybe he recently bought huge property or something) . It’s neither here nor there but I’d be very careful that he isn’t taking financial advantage of you. I am not saying he needs to support you. Of course not. But I’d be worried that he relies a lot on your financial contribution. I’d be worried he isn’t going to a concert because he can’t afford it without you paying for it. I sure hope you are not helping him with bills/supporting him. Especially now when you are making more money and since you supported men before. Just be very careful.

Originally Posted by divine1966

46? I’d be somewhat concerned that at 46 and after 24 year long career he has no money for camping gear (?)etc One doesn’t need to be wealthy to buy camping gear and concert tickets. And he didn’t raise children, has no financial obligation to kids or ex wives.

It would be concerning to me re his financial situation (unless maybe he recently bought huge property or something) . It’s neither here nor there but I’d be very careful that he isn’t taking financial advantage of you. I am not saying he needs to support you. Of course not. But I’d be worried that he relies a lot on your financial contribution. I’d be worried he isn’t going to a concert because he can’t afford it without you paying for it. I sure hope you are not helping him with bills/supporting him. Especially now when you are making more money and since you supported men before. Just be very careful.

Yes, I totally understand the concerns, especially after my ex fiance debacle.

He is financially responsible & earns almost as much as me. He pays the rent and all his bills. He works on 100% commission in his job, and his team hasn't earned the usual $2,000 bonus for the last month, which has hurt him, so money has been tighter for him. He just got a call from Ferrari though to be a service advisor for them, so he could receive a HUGE bump in pay. He would be earning far more than me and can carry a lot of our extracurricular expenses. Just right now, he has just enough for rent and bills, food, etc and some entertainment.

He isn't taking advantage of me.... he pays for a lot of our outings, concerts, hotel expenses and dinners out, etc. I would say it's about equal between us, sharing the expenses.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, I totally understand the concerns, especially after my ex fiance debacle.

He is financially responsible & earns almost as much as me. He pays the rent and all his bills. He works on 100% commission in his job, and his team hasn't earned the usual $2,000 bonus for the last month, which has hurt him, so money has been tighter for him. He just got a call from Ferrari though to be a service advisor for them, so he could receive a HUGE bump in pay. He would be earning far more than me and can carry a lot of our extracurricular expenses. Just right now, he has just enough for rent and bills, food, etc and some entertainment.

He isn't taking advantage of me.... he pays for a lot of our outings, concerts, hotel expenses and dinners out, etc. I would say it's about equal between us, sharing the expenses.

Ok. I am glad to hear that!