Friend or Foe?

She wants us to make up because she enjoys getting together as the three of us. I’ll just not say anything and just say no if she invites me to go out with them both. Meanwhile friend E is in therapy herself to figure out why she’s attracted to the toxic friend. I’m not going to say anything to try to turn her against C. If she wants to see her that’s her business.

Even if one likes to get together with all 3, when there is a disagreement between 2 of them it us still between them & you just get together separately while things are getting settled into their new situation or resolved.....still none if her business no matter how much she enjoys getting together as all 3 of you. She still should know not to meddle.

I think friend E likes having us as a group of three friends more than just seeing me alone from now on. Toxic friend C “knows she screwed up” when she attacked and alienated me but she never apologized. Now E invited me to join them for lunch. I replied “thanks but I don’t ever want to see her again.” They both just want me to forgive and forget and just get together just as the toxic relationship always was. C says she knows she was wrong but “that’s just who she is and all her friends accept her”. So I am painted as the overly sensitive one. Oh well. I’m staying away from toxic. And if friend E is also a casualty because she enjoys the train wreck more than healthy me then I lost another friend too.

Good for you, TishaBuv!

You nailed it in saying they wanted to paint you as oversensitive. Abusive people sure like that strategy for not taking accountability for their actions, don't they? Blame the victim. Let's just carry on like there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, right!

I'm so glad you've extricated yourself from that toxic situation.

I would suggest getting rid of anyone who thinks they know you better than yourself. A real friend would never try and make you believe their opinion about what is best for your life is more important than your own. You did the right thing, keep her blocked and move on. You don't need people in your life that take it upon themselves to mind your business, personally I can't stand people poking around in my private affairs, I'm at a point in my life I don't put up with anything anymore. I do what needs to be done to make my life peaceful and you should think about doing the same. I'm my own best friend, I come first , my wants and needs are above nosy busy bodies.

Sounds s little like one of the comments my (almost ex) H said to me when I was leaving him.

"You tolerated me for ALL those years (33), I thought you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives".

There comes a point where enough is enough!!!!

Stick to your guns.

Friend E called today and said, “We really missed you yesterday. I wish you’d change your mind and get together.” I said, “I am not just going to get together with her and act like nothing happened. I don’t want to have anything to do with her ever again. I think she’s a narcissist and using you as her flying monkey.” The good news is friend E made plans to see me and another nice friend of ours this week without toxic friend C.

I have had to battle for respect from certain people who refuse to give it. Ultimately, I had to end all contact with those people...husband included. The nerve of them to think they can get away with it is truly unbelievable.

C is no doubt a toxic friend, and I am sticking to having defriended her. However, her hurtful words are ringing somewhat true.

She said, “You better take back your husband because you are miserable with or without him, and you are so crazy no one else will ever put up with you. You have BPD, and you need an intervention.”

Well, I have not been miserable without him. I have been doing just fine and happy to not be on an emotional roller coaster that I am on with him. Without him, I have been stabile. If I am so crazy no one will put up with me, then I am fine with that. Honestly, I am not terrified of never having a partner again. I feel old and all my friends are also happy having their own space and keep boyfriends who do not live with them, so maybe it’s a good thing for many women if they can make that happen, rather than being in bad marriages.

While I don’t think I have the disorder, I do have traits. I do have feelings that are all over the place. I am learning healthy ways to cope and have been handling myself in a good way that does not make anything worse. Now that I recognize this, staying stabile is easier to do and simply avoid the triggers.

I had a huge change of feelings last night, 180 degrees in 1.8 seconds. He did one small thing that made me happy. It made me want to take him back, miss him, want to love him. But I know I can’t keep going back and forth.

I feel so stuck I wish I could just disappear.

Her haunting words about an intervention gnaw at me.

I agree. I would also block her. It’s just weird that she won’t leave you alone.

She hasn’t contacted me again since the blow out last month. She talks about me with our mutual friend and says she misses me. But she never apologized about her attack on me. No matter what she does now, I am done with her. She’s toxic and I don’t need that due to my emotional health.

But, she’s always been very astute and knows how to cut me to the core. Her words haunt me. I keep playing it over and over in my mind. I’m pretty sure I have OCD/PTSD and things repeat on me forever.

Now that I had an abrupt change of feelings (probably fleeting) toward my divorce, I feel like she was somewhat right.

Don’t let her get into your head. Take some time and make yourself some space to thing things through rationally. It’s hard when there are so many emotions involved.

1. I am trusting in my emotions, just allowing myself to feel them. With him, I was crying all the time out of frustration from him not giving me the love/sex/attention that I need, no matter how I plead for it to become ‘his idea’ without me initiating.

2. I notice that if he does something that makes me happy, I feel loving and great toward him. I don’t think it’s idolizing him on a pedestal unrealistically— merely feeling good and satisfied.

3. Then, shortly after, he will not be consistent. He turns right back to being negligent. Then I feel trapped, miserable, traumatized, hysterical. This is the reason I need to divorce him.

4. Now that I found out he did do some underhanded things with money, my trust issues will only be worse. I don’t want a marriage where I am constantly policing him and nagging.

As far as my friend— I’ll never fully understand why she said those things to me. They aren’t fully true. But, I can’t change her. I can’t make her control what she says. It’s really not my job to be her therapist. So sad and unfortunate.

These are great insights, TishaBuv. And I think that getting away from the crazy-making push/pull behavior of your ex will continue to reveal the real you (not any "crazy-made" you've been dealing with) and --as a bonus to the awesomeness of that unto itself -- should make C's words ring more and more hollow.

I believe, hope and wish that for you.

Just remember, one nice from your H doesn't cancel anything. One needs to see more than one nice to know a change has occured. I am sure you will get through this. That would have been like me saying wow the meeting with my H went well yesterday & we were nice to each other. The FACT remains that the REAL problem hasn't changed in the least & a nice moment doesn't change that.

Toxic friend C is now former frenemy C. Friend E showed me text messages yesterday between them where C says horrid, hateful lies about me, obviously trying to steer friend E away from me and more toward her. We are women over 50 years old! This is shockingly immature behavior. Until seeing these texts, I didn’t realize how two-faced and evil C was. She started the text saying “Tell (Tisha) I love her.” Then she proceeds to spew insulting lies about me. She is also gossiping these same lies, plus whatever truthful dirt she has on me to any mutual acquaintances we have. There’s really nothing I can do. I guess I don’t really care what she says or does and it doesn’t really effect me anyway. It’s just giving me nightmares now. I hope she gets what she deserves. Karma’s a *****. She’s dead to me now.

At least I now know for sure she is not a friend, she is a foe. Time to be kind to myself and move on and heal. I’ll just keep nurturing my healthy relationships and seek to form new, healthy ones. I hate to think all people are back stabbers if given the chance. I don’t want to be bitter. But...

Wow, I'm sorry she is doing that, TishaBuv. How immature! I had a very similar thing happen and I had to WORK with her in a VERY small business(!) Also in our 50s(!) Honestly, you'd think you wouldn't have to deal with that crap after high school.

You are right in ignoring it. You're WAY too mature and sensible to get dragged in. Sending good luck for your healthy relationships.

People who profess to love me have fooled me because I can’t imagine they can be such two faced liars and I believe them.

Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing. Remember that sometimes it isn't obvious till the right set of circumstances arises for true colors to show up CLEARLY.....they can stay pretty fogged over until then

I’m really traumatized by this slander that continues. I woke up upset, nightmares. I called friend E and said I need to take a break from her for fear of anything I confide in her going back to evil B frenemy C. The fact that she stays friends with someone slandering me makes me feel distrust of her as a true friend now. I was honest. I need to distance myself. She said she understands. This is why we can’t have nice things... I can’t even have a friend.

Hmmm, distancing yeah. It might be easiest to step back and wait till the dust settles. She will run out of steam. They tend to do that when there's nothing to push against.

(I won't even SAY what my thoughts were like when I went through that similar experience! But now I feel pretty indifferent. Can't let an azz have that kind of power over me. I WON after all, and so will you, by getting the toxic out of your life. )

Lesson learned: do not confide anything in a friend you don’t want told and even distorted into lies

That toxic who said she was a friend needs to stay away from you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

At one point (years before leaving my H) I pulled away from the negative people that had invaded my life when I was in deep depression. I was better off as bad as I was, away from their negative thinking which only fed into mine. Now I am surrounded by ALL positive people I can see how dark (black hole) that period of my life actually was without any help from anyone around me. Not easy to pull away....takes a lot of determination.

Keeping your focus & boundaries.....you are doing well