Friend or Foe?

How did I end up with a non-friend? How does this happen? Our mutual friend says that she honestly believes the things she’s saying to me and saying it out of a genuine caring place, but she just has boundary issues. Yet all here can so easily see through her smoke screen.

I’m handling it well. I’m just letting time pass and feeling sad, but hopeful for a healthier future. I showed my family her texts. I’ve reflected upon if she is right and I “better not divorce my husband because I am miserable with or without him and I have BPD and need an intervention”. And my feelings are that I am doing the right thing with this divorce as I can’t stop getting triggered by my husband. I am NOT miserable either way.

She told me I am not functional. I am pretty darn functional just fine. I take care of others, not even just myself.

She’s so evil! Why’d she go take those jabs at me and persist until I had to end our friendship? I’ve been such a good friend to her!

My mother forbid me to be her friend in HS because she broke my mom’s couch and destroyed my mom’s shower, causing the wallpaper on the ceiling to fall down from her masturbating with the Shower Massage and soaking the ceiling. She broke the couch jumping all over my bf. She was not allowed to come to my Sweet 16. But I stayed her friend anyway behind my mother’s back.

I actually can’t think of too many genuine friend actions over the years. I can think of many more annoying, bad actions from her.

I haven’t been the truest of friends, either. There were plenty of times I would not include her because mutual friends hated her. My mom did not want her in my wedding party, instead convinced me to have my sisters and cousin since we had to buy them the dresses anyway. My friend was very hurt over this. She, in turn, did not invite me to her wedding. We stopped being friends then for a few years.

But she called again and we both had young boys the same age. We rekindled. And she has done so many obnoxious, rude things. Mostly, I accepted it.

Yeah, I see how I was friends with a toxic person and then surprised when she’s toxic. My bad.

I had a 40 year friendship with someone who is not a friend.

She maybe was a good friend at some point? Or maybe that’s how she sees friendship? We all understand friendship differently.

She’s not a good person and there is something wrong with me for gravitating to her instead of nurturing people who are nice but kinda boring. I was drawn to her kookiness and love to laugh. The price for that was a bad friend who does emotional damage.

I’m growing up finally. Moving on.

I am glad you moving on!

Maybe it would help also to learn to be more discerning with who you share personal things with & not let them be pried out of you.

I have a friend (a real friend) who I learned up front things I could & could not share with her because she always wanted to fix things she had no idea even the real background of & would spend her time alone coming up with "THE" solition that she was absolutely sure was right then got hurt when it wasn't accepted. We have a great friendship still but now I don't share everything with her & NO ONE pries anything out of me I don't want to share.

Might be a good time to reflect on that. The more shared, the more ammunition THEY FEEL free to use.

Why have you still been engaging with her after yiu defriended her on social media. Even if you couldn't block emails (texts can easily be blocked at least on smart phones) you didn't HAVE TO respond.

I would definitely STOP ALL contact with her & YES, your divorce is a PERSONAL matter that the decisions are best not talked over with anyone other than your lawyer & thought through based in your own feelings about it.

There are always going to be a lot of arm chair coaches in life but yiu are the coach & author of your OWN life. Yiu need to listen to you becayse yiu are the one that has to live with your choices, nit the choices others want you to make that really don't hold onto the big picture of your lufe, experiences & ALL your thoughts.

Take care of YOU.

When I sent her the final email, saying “I think it’s you who is nuts. I won’t be your friend anymore because you can’t control your mouth,” I was hoping she’d say she was sorry and was overly aggressive, and she would drop the subject, and we’d be friends again. But people rarely do what I’d like them to... sigh

P.s. Husband was just here. I told him what happened with her. He said, “You’ll make up with her. You always do. You know you will.”

So, he knows I am a person who lets people get away with mistreatment. Hmmmm, see how many times I took him back, too. He knows I can be abused and I will still make up.

She was always fun to be with. We had a good time doing things together. She’s a million laughs. She’s very astute and witty. I enjoyed her company usually. I guess, whether or not she acted like a good friend to me, she was a friend simply because I enjoyed her. I’ll miss her good qualities. I liked the thought of maintaining a life long friendship. But, I can cut my losses and go no contact.

I would think a friend would have pondered their behavior and apologized to me, but she didn’t and won’t.

She is the pushiest, nerviest salesperson in the world. I had to be just as aggressive back at her to get her off my back. I shouldn’t have to tolerate that.

I am no longer going to let toxic into my life.

It's kind of like eliminating an abusive person from your life. Yes, they can be really fun sometimes, and yes, they can sometimes be very loving and endearing. But the flip side is they are highly toxic and can effect your own mental health immensely. That's when u know they need to go..... when your own mental health goes down the tubes because of another person, they've gotta go.

I've noticed people like that don't apoligize because they are so SURE they are right.

Yeah, she’s really not sorry at all for her disrespectful harassing. I’ll have to find a kinder, gentler new friend.

And, yes, she did contribute to my meltdown last week because I was upset over this. She gets under my thin skin.

Wow, from all you've said, it does not sound like she was ever a friend. She sounds like a user who was maybe a fun person to be around, but not a friend. I know plenty of people who are fun to be around but they are terrible at any kind of relationship, including friendship.

She definitely is gaslighting you. Yeah, you've gone back and forth about the divorce, but it's a major decision. A friend should be supportive. It's not like your divorce or marriage affects her personally.

I'm confused because I know I've seen in other threads where you've asked if you maybe do have a PD, so I don't know if that's something that you shared with her, but, wow, people can be assholes when they get in their head that you have some disorder or another. My dad tells everyone I have bipolar. I do not. Numerous psychiatrists and psychologists have confirmed that there is no bipolar. He tells people I have bipolar so he doesn't have to admit that I was abused and have PTSD, from his abuse. Maybe her accusation of BPD (and why should a diagnosis be an accusation? do you accuse people of having cancer? geez) is to make her feel better about her behavior or something? Like if she can blame your emotions/choices on your BPD, then it absolves her of her bad behavior towards you (which is really the reason for your emotions/choices)?

Sometimes we remain friends with people because of familiarity, not because of true friendship. Sounds like that might be the case. I would not have expected her to apologize after what you said to her about her mouth. That probably just fueled her fire, but it also does not sound like there was anything to salvage.

Take the trash out. Good riddance. Sounds like she was all drama.

Seesaw

I think getting rid of her will last a his time. I’ve learned now. Also my husbands comment is yet another reason why he triggers me and I feel like the divorce is my only choice for my sanity.

I’m so happy to be traveling now with two of my sons to visit family across the country. Leaving Mom behind. Getting away from my whole environment will be so nice.

I’ve been on a ‘how much is me and how much is them’ journey for years. The only way I’m going to know for sure now is to remove these people from my life and then see how I am.

Don't you think it's a combination of both?

It will give you good time TOTALLY AWAY so yiu are not influenced by the environment you live around to clear your mind & pull together YOUR OWN thoughts without outside influence.

Enjoy your time away

I know for me it was both. It was how my reactions built up over the years to the behaviors I encountered. It was definitely both though it was validating when my T & others commented that my reactions were more NORMAL given what I was dealing with than I gave myself credit for.

"It takes 2 to tango" in any relationship good or bad.

I know it is a combination of both. I fear that I will combine with the weaknesses of anyone else I meet in the future and find the negatives and dwell on them. The therapist said I’d never be happy with anyone. but, I’ll keep an open mind and try to seek out non-narcissistic abusers.

Maybe that is something you can work on in therapy.

Honestly I prefer being alone now after all I went through & am still dealing with in this divorce.

Someone would have to be NEAR perfect before I would even consided getting involved again. Friends are easier for me to tolerate not having to live with them 24/7 though behaviors build on me even with friends & I back off if necessary to avoid any real conflict. "Live & let live" doesn't mean I have to be closely involved on a personal level.

Now our mutual friend says we three should have a sit down and talk. I said, “So, I guess C has realized she pushed a little too hard this time.” Hell no, I’m not going to forgive and forget this time. I really am eliminating toxic!

Meanwhile, it’s a big, beautiful world with many places and people. I am loving being away and with my family. My kids are loving this experience and getting to know their cousins. They said, “Let’s spend more time with these relatives on this coast more than the ones back home.”

Your mutual friend needs to butt out. Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine when a third party tries to intervene and tell me how I should handle a toxic person, usually telling me I should forgive them and move on. Just so they can do it again. Nope.

If I were you I would ask the mutual friend, politely, to stay out of it.

Seesaw

She’s being used as a flying monkey. She’s a sweetheart and means well. She’s a victim of C as well.

She makes her choices just like you do. She should know better than to get involved at her age no matter how well meaning she wants to be. She needs tp know her meddling is NOT appropriate. Maybe she has never been told that before.....but no time like now.