[graystreet]

So, most of the reason I'm posting is just to get things off my chest. I know what I need to do in the situation (mainly) but I'm feeling pretty down at the moment and don't have anyone to talk to.

A lot of you know about the guy I was seeing who turned out to be cheating, have an already established gf, on and on, etc. Some of you may know that the girlfriend started harassing me a bit (admittedly, my fault). Well...that hasn't stopped.

I have two Instagram accounts. One is private, on which I post friends and family and most of myself. The other is public. I practice Wicca, and since there is no one in my city to connect with--it's a conservative area and there's nothing like a meetup group for that unlike other cities--I created that account to connect with other like-minded people. I can't even talk to my offline friends (all two of them) and family because they blow me off. I post a lot of inconsequential photos and reposts as a lot of us do. Much of the time, I'll put a longer talking point about something I've learned recently or just something to connect with others. The reason I leave it public is to do this connecting, and I have hundreds of followers. Some I talk to on a daily basis.

This account doesn't have my name on it. However, she found me. I woke up the night before last to a message I couldn't see from a name I didn't recognize. Couldn't find the account--it was blocked. Looked it up with another account. It was her. Then, I found that she had dug through my posts--we're talking months--back to March, when things went down between he and I. Did I have posts talking about the incident? I did. Especially immediately after it happened. I was devastated, and reached out to this community. We all share things, not discussing names, but discussing circumstances because they can help another person. And people have reached out saying that it has helped to know they aren't alone.

She used a throwaway account in which the user name included the term "the thin blue line" (for non-American's, that refers to the police) and began posting comments on my photos about how he never wanted me. He never had anything to do with me. That I was just his stalker. That the reason I was upset in March only amounted to the fact that he had to change his number to get away from me. That this past 13 years, I've stalked him. That I'm trying to ruin a serious relationship with the woman he truly loves (and has, apparently, wanted to be with for 17 years) just like I ruined his last relationship. That I'm playing the victim to distract from the fact that I broke several state and federal laws and will go to prison and lose my job (yes, she threatened this twice on a public forum).

I was livid. And that energy carries me through sometimes to the point that I ignore what is being said and just focus on being mad. But now, after sleeping, I just feel worn out. And sad. I don't have feelings for this man. I haven't felt anything since before I left him. I left for a reason, and the more I know, the better I feel about the fact that I did, and that I never got caught up in him wanting me to come to TN for that assignment. It would have broken me completely, to have this happen in a place I don't know with no friends, family, or even therapist.

But the fact of the matter is that I'm not lying, and I'm dealing with my own fallout. I'm over most of it, or I was. Working with my T, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to grieve the loss of the friendship, the person I thought he was, because I was so focused on being angry at who he is. And that is something I'm working on. So, to have someone tell me these things cuts deep. I'm sure that was the aim. Being told I'm nothing more than a stalker when I remember years of friendship, and those months of him being sweet and funny, and totally all-in with me. And yeah, he changed his number. He does that. I wonder how many numbers he's had. I'm sure my blowing up his phone and email, angrier than I can remember being in years, when I found out about the cheating, asking him to at least just tell me if he'd been tested, didn't help. But it sure helps his narrative.

And you know what? There isn't much I can do at this point. Ignore her. Block her. She has me blocked in most spots so it's difficult...when she wants to poke, she comes out of hiding, throws a bomb, and blocks again. I can kind of understand how she feels seeing as we are both being confronted with a truth that didn't match our reality. However, she's made a choice to continue to dog me for two months. Which I actually said to her--if you want me gone so badly, why do you poke at me and do thinks to keep me around? Just go be with your boyfriend. I've told her time and time again I want her to leave me alone.

Anyway. That's what's going on. It isn't so much about her; hopefully, she'll get tired and stop (I thought that a month ago). It's more the stalker story he's weaving for her. Like...really?

[JustJenny]

Makes me wonder what is going in her head. She seems to be obsessed with you and the only way for her to communicate with you is to cyber-bully you (seems like an appropriate term). She must be in pain, as far as I understand she was cheated on as well? I am not trying to defend her, but if you try to see things from her perspective, you might start feeling a little better about how she is treating you.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Makes me wonder what is going in her head. She seems to be obsessed with you and the only way for her to communicate with you is to cyber-bully you (seems like an appropriate term). She must be in pain, as far as I understand she was cheated on as well? I am not trying to defend her, but if you try to see things from her perspective, you might start feeling a little better about how she is treating you.

Yes, she was cheated on. And I was as well—he had another woman besides us (at least one). I do understand her perspective, but that doesn’t excuse what she’s doing. This broke me down hard. It’s asinine to say “Just see things from her perspective,” and expect me to feel better about it. I don’t even live in their state. I’m not much of a threat. She’s dragged it on for two months, when if she doesn’t believe me (as she says), she could have made that clear, then returned to her relationship.

I am not interested in trying to convince her, or break them up. She’ Figure him out eventually; all of us have. But if you poke at someone who is already hurting, eventually they’ll react. And unfortunately, that hasn’t worked well for her because it just results in hearing more that she doesn’t as I try to defend and deflect. Yes, I should ignore her. I’ve tried that tactic, and it isn’t working. She is like a bottomless pit. Of course she’s hurting. So am I.

I think it’s wrong to expect something of me that isn’t expected of her. Honestly, and maybe I’m just in a bad place and reactive at the moment but it sounds a tiny bit like you are blaming me as the other woman. I didn’t know about her. I didn’t know about any other women. None of his girlfriends do. Once I was clear he was lying, I left.

[graystreet]

A part of it is (and this is just me talking, not a response to anyone) that’s I feel she’s invaded a space where I felt safe to talk, albeit vaguely, about things. Yes, it’s a public forum but this is why I don’t put my name on the account, my profile pic isn’t my face: I don’t want people I know finding me. I don’t have a ton of offline support. Most people just don’t understand what happened and think it’s just a budding relationship that didn’t work out. Which would be true if you took out the lies upon lies upon lies and the abuse. I need to be able to talk to people. Therapy is expensive (though I’ve been going every week until the last two), and honestly I felt like talking about it here I was either getting a similar response as offline (“Why is this bothering you?”) or no response at all.

[divine1966]

Wow. She doesn’t stop! There is something wrong with her.

I think people do respond and gave you suggestions, it’s just hard to know what else to suggest. Would it be hard to prove that it’s her doing all that? I’d still talk to a lawyer and see if some type letter could be sent to her to stop harassment? It’s aggravating!

Now you do need to grieve “friendship” but I think it might be useful to acknowledge that a man you were talking to online for all those years was not who you thought he was. As soon as you finally spent time irl it turned out he was a jerk. And he didn’t become a jerk. He always has been. Heck he has STDs and won’t tell people. He has a girlfriend and cheated on her. It’s no matter if you talked online for 13 years or 3 months. He clearly knows how to present himself

Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to present themselves online as entirely different people than who they are. That’s why I always worry when people post on PC about relationships and friendships that they maintain strictly online. You never really know who you are talking to and how these people turn out to be. It sometimes ends way worse than your story.

Your travelled across the country to stay in his (strangers despite talking online- as you only met once before and not for a significant period of time) house ended very ugly but it could be worse. Way worse.

Technology opened so many opportunities for us but also created so many dangers. Even contacting this woman (again a stranger) online proved to be not worth it as now she won’t let go. She could be dangerous for all we know. You don’t know any of these people. Internet is awesome yet it could create unsafe situations if people aren’t careful

Do contact a lawyer and see if she could be stopped through legal channels. She is determined to drive you nuts. I’d see what lawyer has to stay. You can’t really move on if she keeps harassing you.

[graystreet]

I know people are responding. I kind of meant when things initially happened.

It hurts when I'm continually reminded that I formed a bond with someone I only knew, at first, online. I don't really need to be reminded of that. I already feel stupid and ashamed. It's most certainly not the first time he's done it, but I was a terrible target. I was too easy for a person like him to manipulate in spite of pushing him away several times. We had met prior to my going to Tennessee, actually. The fact that he refused to change things up and come to Michigan after I broke my foot and was working with a cut income should have clued me in. But that's how it works for them, isn't it. They know our weaknesses. He was patient. Freaking years he spent wearing me down until I finally gave in to his advances. But no, I have no proof. I'm the kind of person who hates clutter in her inbox; I delete messages and texts frequently. When I looked up getting text transcripts, it doesn't seem that's a thing irl. Verizon says they can go back 90 days with a court order, and even then it is only the time and date of each text. Not the conversation. I can't prove the things he said, begging me to come see him. But it'll show how, during his mini-discards when he'd stonewall in the middle of my expressing hurt to him, I'd freak out and text bomb him. That abandonment thing runs so deep.

I'm sure he knows all of this. He knows how far he can go, and what I can prove. I doubt this is the first time he's done this. I'll venture that there's not been a woman who has hit back as hard as I have, but that just makes him more dangerous; he's up against a wall, and trying to save his reputation and relationship with a woman who will ask how high when he says jump. He can easily make this bad for me.

In the research I've done, I have no recourse. A letter to cease would only provoke them further to call my bluff. And I don't know that I can easily get a PPO for another state without having to appear in court in TN and I'm not looking to go back. There are "Ask a lawyer" sites kind of like "Ask a Vet," and I may jump on and ask about the PPO. I've used the ask a vet service and it was very helpful...it was a long time ago, but basically it listed the professionals and their credentials, and required a small fee for a correspondence.

But otherwise, I don't know. I'm not in the place where I have the energy to fight much. I have missed three days of work this week with a respiratory infection--in bed and on steroids, then after I had all of this happen, I spiked a fever and slept most of the rest of the day, til about midnight tonight. I'm not usually one to get sick often and if I do, it's usually pretty minor. But I've had this, and about a month ago I had a weird virus that my doc could only describe as viral meningitis. Viral isn't necessarily super serious, but there was another two days I missed. I undergo stress daily and can deal, so the fact that my body is wearing down tells me my mind has about had it.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by graystreet

It’s asinine to say “Just see things from her perspective,” and expect me to feel better about it.

I am sorry it came out a little insensitive. What I was trying to say is that most people who are mean are the way they are because they are in a bad place. I try to remember that when someone says something mean to me, it really does make it easier to cope, for me at least.

Originally Posted by graystreet

[...]it sounds a tiny bit like you are blaming me as the other woman.

No, not at all. I am on your side here. I don't know the whole story, but from what I read just now, I am starting to get a good picture. I am sorry you had to go through this

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I am sorry it came out a little insensitive. What I was trying to say is that most people who are mean are the way they are because they are in a bad place. I try to remember that when someone says something mean to me, it really does make it easier to cope, for me at least.

No, not at all. I am on your side here. I don't know the whole story, but from what I read just now, I am starting to get a good picture. I am sorry you had to go through this

Thank you. I get where you were coming from.

Just want to say I am soooo very sorry for the pain and torment you are going through, based on this one past relationship.

I don't have any answers or solutions for you, but I feel for you..

that woman is a complete nightmare!!! Will she just go away already????

Something IS seriously wrong with her -- she sounds disturbed, and honestly, kind of crazy!!! To keep harassing you, after all this time....... when really, she is barking up the wrong tree and should be angry with your ex/her bf or whatever..... it is so wrong. No wonder you are worn out, after being continuously harassed by her.

I hope she eventually leaves you in peace so that you can properly heal... she is hindering your progress. ARGH!

[graystreet]

I can’t honestly say if it was him or her that made all those posts when I think about it. I have to remember that he is backed against a wall here, and I’ve seen how scarily unstable he can be when he has been wounded. Being left in Knoxville with no way to get back to his home and my car so that I could leave the state was one of them. So, while he has remained silent all this time, it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that he is coming out of the woodwork.

[TishaBuv]

I guess all you can do is stop engaging with him or her, delete her nasty posts, report her posts, if you know a lawyer, have him write her a threatening letter to leave you alone, call the police.

It sounds like your ex found a very troubled new gf because the way she is acting is very immature, and he fed her BS about how you are a stalker.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I guess all you can do is stop engaging with him or her, delete her nasty posts, report her posts, if you know a lawyer, have him write her a threatening letter to leave you alone, call the police.

It sounds like your ex found a very troubled new gf because the way she is acting is very immature, and he fed her BS about how you are a stalker.

I can’t do anything since they are in a different state, unfortunately. I can’t block or report because she uses throwaway accounts that are deactivated.

Sadly, she isn’t his new gf. They’ve been together since early last spring. I was basically, unwittingly, the other woman. Not that he wasn’t sleeping with others besides us. And once I knew, I left.

[TishaBuv]

If she’s spending time and effort to lash out at you, it means she’s not content and secure.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If she’s spending time and effort to lash out at you, it means she’s not content and secure.

Oh, for sure. That’s how he works. He is very good at pushing the trigger buttons so you start breaking down/doubting yourself/doubting the relationship just so he could rush in at the perfect time to soothe you and be the knight in shining armor over and over. It creates this weird dynamic where you almost resent him, but you need his approval. I guess that’s the trauma bond they talk about in psychology.

But I am aware she, on some level, believes me. And I do know where JustJenny was coming from because if she had previous experience with a terrible relationship which she probably did, knowing how he picks his women, then any suggestion that this isn’t her white knight is probably very scary and devastating. Yep, I feel that. I wish she’d just deal with him...making me the bad guy and tearing me down doesn’t make him any less of a terrible person.

[seesaw]

Don't respond to her comments. Just keep blocking and reporting. Screenshot the comments for proof then delete them from your posts.

She'll move on when she sees it doesn't phase you. And the people who know and follow your feed will see she's just a troll.

Seesaw

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Don't respond to her comments. Just keep blocking and reporting. Screenshot the comments for proof then delete them from your posts.

She'll move on when she sees it doesn't phase you. And the people who know and follow your feed will see she's just a troll.

Seesaw

Yeah, I’ve screenshot everything. I reported the fake account (I was doing it wrong initially). My followers have already sent me support. A couple went after her but I was like noooo don’t go there. I did send an email to the address that keeps bothering me because I was pretty emotional. Re-reading it, I’m proud of what I said. It was basically saying that continuing to poke at me does nothing but keep her in a negative spiral and give me free therapy because I know how much he’s lying, and tells me that I’m not the only one he did it to. I said go work on your ***** with him; I don’t want to be a part of it and that’s why I left. Seems like they’ve backed off..at least, no one tried to get into my private account today *eye roll*

I sort of think it might be him, that she saw a post that triggered her and raged at him...because the writing was more coherent than she usually is. But it doesn’t really matter. They’re both crazier than a bag of wet cats.

[divine1966]

Don’t contact her (or him if it’s him or them). More you contact them, longer it’s going to continue. It will be also much harder to prove that they harass you if you keep replying as now it’s back and forth. You already told them to stop and hopefully that was documented. Either go through legal channels or keep blocking and deleting. They clearly not type of people to reasonably explain anything to.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Don’t contact her (or him if it’s him or them). More you contact them, longer it’s going to continue. It will be also much harder to prove that they harass you if you keep replying as now it’s back and forth. You already told them to stop and hopefully that was documented. Either go through legal channels or keep blocking and deleting. They clearly not type of people to reasonably explain anything to.

Yes Divine. You’ve told me in every single post not to contact them. I’m aware that. I know that. I’m not. Thank you.

You’ve also reminded me that I met this guy online in every single post I’ve made. I’m also aware of that. Thank you.