[Confused1984]

My partner never admits wrong doing. If he does, it's just the words to avoid conflict, end conversation etc. etc. He also never validates how I feel. He minimizes my feelings or tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way. For example, he has always had a very sarcastic humor. When it crosses the line and I tell him he went to far and hurt my feelings he will behave dismissively and say that I am "overreacting" or "too-sensitive" He especially behaves this way in front of his family. He flat refuses to discuss any relationship issues with me stating I'm only nagging him or wanting to fight. He flat doesn't help around the house (except for cutting grass 2x month. Also, he doesn't help with the kids much maybe 15% overall. I have a full time job also. When I bring this up he blames his job (he works nights) or illness (he has health issues he will not get help for) or he tries to turn it around on me and nitpick the way I raise the kids or keep the house. The times I push the issue of talking about all this and I can't just turn away and shut up AGAIN he refuses to acknowledge me, tells me to leave him alone, completely ignores me, and it usually ends with him aggressively yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE" with some kind of aggressive posturing like balled fist or acting as if he is going to hit the wall, furniture, etc etc he has not hit me. This wrong in my soul but I keep trying to rationalize it.

This is definitely emotional/psychological abuse. Have you read up on the signs of emotional abuse? That may help you to identify his behaviors even better.

Abuse statistically worsens over time, unfortunately, and abusers rarely change unless they are threatened by someone leaving. Even then, they may make lots of empty promises, and never do actually change. I am sorry you're in this situation.

If you are married and have children together, it's more complicated to leave, but I would suggest rethinking this relationship.

[Confused1984]

Thanks for taking time to comment. I knew there was emotional abuse going on. I was just looking for a little validation you know. My anxiety level is through the roof. This is so cruel and unfair. I have no idea where to pull the strength to put an end to this and all the "collateral" damage to come. I don't have supportive friends or family to rely on which makes it so much worse.

[Deejay14]

You can rationalize this to the nth degree. I ask you one simple question: why stay with someone who treats you poorly? If only one of those things in your title is true things can only get worse over time. Maybe it's time to think about leaving him. No one should have to be treated that way.

[crushed_soul]

Originally Posted by Confused1984

My partner never admits wrong doing. If he does, it's just the words to avoid conflict, end conversation etc. etc. He also never validates how I feel. He minimizes my feelings or tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way. For example, he has always had a very sarcastic humor. When it crosses the line and I tell him he went to far and hurt my feelings he will behave dismissively and say that I am "overreacting" or "too-sensitive" He especially behaves this way in front of his family. He flat refuses to discuss any relationship issues with me stating I'm only nagging him or wanting to fight. He flat doesn't help around the house (except for cutting grass 2x month. Also, he doesn't help with the kids much maybe 15% overall. I have a full time job also. When I bring this up he blames his job (he works nights) or illness (he has health issues he will not get help for) or he tries to turn it around on me and nitpick the way I raise the kids or keep the house. The times I push the issue of talking about all this and I can't just turn away and shut up AGAIN he refuses to acknowledge me, tells me to leave him alone, completely ignores me, and it usually ends with him aggressively yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE" with some kind of aggressive posturing like balled fist or acting as if he is going to hit the wall, furniture, etc etc he has not hit me. This wrong in my soul but I keep trying to rationalize it.

I wish for you to be well, Confused1984, and empathize with you immensely.

From what you wrote, you are indeed a victim of psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation and of control/dictation in general (and maybe more.) To list some of the tactics that are defined as "emotional abuse" and/or "psychological abuse" in which he is engaging are: denial (of responsibility, actions, words,) stonewalling, marginalization, humiliation (disguised as "humor,") neglect, intimidation, threats and more.

As much as your consciousness (as in decisions, perspectives, emotions) may seem like "rationalizations," if you are emotionally attached to this person and/or like/love him, you are probably engaging in cognitive dissonance. In general, victims of abuse often develop emotional attachments and/or like/love the person before abuse begins to serve as a/the dominant trait in a relationship. I am not claiming that you should tolerate the abusing or anything similarly. I am merely indicating to you that the dynamics of a relationship, which is abusive in any form, is complicated to say the least in most cases.

[downandlonely]

Yes, it sounds like psychological abuse to me. I'm sorry that you don't have family or friends to turn to.

[healingme4me]

I know what it's like to not have the necessary support around to sift through things. Consider one of the points on the Abuse Cycle--Isolate the Victim.

Are you in therapy? That's usually a place to start working on things for yourself.

[MickeyCheeky]

If he doesn't want to change, then it's up to you to leave him and start living his own life.

[nicoleflynn]

This is verbal abuse. tHE Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[HappyArizona]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there! And it is difficult to get out--but you need to! Not just for you but for the kids. I'm sure you've heard it before, but they will grow up thinking this is an okay way to treat people or be treated. It took going on anti-depressants for me to get my thinking on tract and quit reacting to him. Reaction is what he likes, and he is getting it. Start acting instead of reacting. The meds cleared my thinking so I was able to do that. Mine never physically abused me, but the physical threat was there. And he did beat his ex-wife. (I learned later). The chance he will change without counseling or slim to none. I left mine twice, and each time I went back the crap started again even sooner than the last time. Third strike he was out, I never went back. He even told me early on that I needed to be on meds, when I was and he couldn't get the reaction he craved from me, then he told me I needed to get off the drugs! Please seek a counselors advice.

[Raging Quiet]

This breaks my heart to read. I wish you had support x

[poorlittlefish]

Have you considered whether he might be on the Autistic spectrum? My partner sounds very much like yours. He is impossible to talk to about feelings and his answer to any unhappiness I raise is to dismiss my viewpoint, blame me for everything and then just pretend that nothing has happened so there is never resolution or improvement. He refuses to see that his behaviour causes a lot of problems but I recognise a lot of Autistic traits in him. It's not an excuse for everything, but it might be an explanation worth exploring.