Me again!

I've had a friend for 13-14 years. We met in collage and bonded instantly. She has severe depression issues, I have my issues. We relate to each other on many levels. When our kids were young she moved to another province. Shes flown here for me and I've flown there for her. She is one of a handful of people I will talk to on the phone.

Well hubby and I decided to go on a vacation, no kids, to reconnect with each other. The city we were going to was 1.5 hours from my friend. Because the visit was a focus on my relationship I turned down invitations for visits from friends, across the board.

So the friend in question unfriends me on fb. I reach out to ask what I did and apologize. She flips out that I didnt contact her for a visit. I said is was a reconnect for me and hubby. She said thata fine, but I should have messaged her to explain. I said I wasnt aware that I needed to explain myself to people.

In the end I said it was 50/50 fault. She could have communicated her hurt. I could have been less oblivious and more sensitive. To be fair though, it is way easier if people just tell me what bothers them. It wouldn't have bothered me if the situations were reversed, so I didnt think of it.

She told me she wishes me the best. Friendship over just like that. Input welcome. I guess I feel like I dont get people at all these days.

Well that’s disappointing. Friendships are so hard to build and yours has lasted many years. My guess is she may regret this later and come back to apologize. It also seems like there’s more to it than she’s telling you. Either she has more going on than she’s been able to express or she’s had frustrations with the friendship she hasn’t felt able to express. I hope she comes around.

[SorryShaped]

Sucks losing friends. Sorry

She's probably dealing with abandonment. It might be best for you to take advantage of the space apart from this debacle to rekindle your relationship with your husband.

After all. You don't have to live with her.

I know that's brutal, but I'm still trying to get the first published copy of the friendship handbook too.

But if you're both loopy, you might have to make it up to her over a coffee. Or better yet, help paint her house.

In my personal experience, the third wheel didn't help move things along. But at least it was interesting.

You could also just pick up the phone and maybe meet =]

What's your husband's stance on all of this.. guys are usually black or white.

[Taylor27]

She probably has some abandonment issues going on. As a friend you do not have to tell her your vacation plans even if you are near her. I think she took it too personally and she will regret it later that she felt the need to end it. I hope she will come around if she does encourage her to get into therapy there probably more going on in her life right now . Hugs

[marvin_pa]

I wonder if FB played a role in this? If your friend found out via social media that you were relatively nearby in relative real time, it might have triggered a sense of disappointment more palpable than finding out later, along with the context of the trip's intended purpose, at the same time?

The instantaneous nature of modern social media tends to spread information faster than our ability to consciously manage it & makes it easier to leap to conclusions before knowing all the facts.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

I wonder if FB played a role in this? If your friend found out via social media that you were relatively nearby in relative real time, it might have triggered a sense of disappointment more palpable than finding out later, along with the context of the trip's intended purpose, at the same time?

The instantaneous nature of modern social media tends to spread information faster than our ability to consciously manage it & makes it easier to leap to conclusions before knowing all the facts.

I agree. I’m envisioning that your friend must have seen fb posts of you on vacation and she had a hair trigger response to defriend you.

The defriending without any discussion was very immature on her part and very strange. It should have been nothing more than her making a comment, “I can’t believe you guys came here and didn’t call me!” Then you’d have posted or called to tell her it was a much needed quality time for your marriage. That’s all it ever should have been.

I’m sorry you lost your friend. She must be going through some things and took it our on you.

My dad abandoned me when I was 9. He promised to come back and never did. He died before I ever saw him again. I am significantly sure he caused my BPD between abuse and abandonment.

My friends know that I will talk anything out, but just leaving triggers me. This is the second time she has done this. I started to tell my husband maybe it's me and he stopped me cold. He said I am not responsible for her not being able to talk her feelings out and it's not a flaw with me.

She may want back in some day, but as far as i am concerned, the bridge has been burned. I will not chase. My heart is not a revolving door to be used at will. I tried and she made her choice.

[Carmina]

If it's really a friendship it shouldn't be over, you can both get past this. I'm sure she will realise the friendship is more important than some imaginary slight, give her a bit of time.

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl2

My dad abandoned me when I was 9. He promised to come back and never did. He died before I ever saw him again. I am significantly sure he caused my BPD between abuse and abandonment.

My friends know that I will talk anything out, but just leaving triggers me. This is the second time she has done this. I started to tell my husband maybe it's me and he stopped me cold. He said I am not responsible for her not being able to talk her feelings out and it's not a flaw with me.

She may want back in some day, but as far as i am concerned, the bridge has been burned. I will not chase. My heart is not a revolving door to be used at will. I tried and she made her choice.

2nd time around & if she was aware of the BPD... perhaps, you do get into more emotional strife than it's worth territory.

Having said that, it sounds like she may also have signs of borderline in her reactions. From personal experience, I know that depression/stress have certainly caused me to over-react after a perceived slight, if only momentarily. Social media allows that kind of snap action to be made instantly, before logic claws back into control & one breathes in & draws back from retaliation.

Either way, I'd try to avoid thinking of this in terms of flaws, or burnt bridges, as it's further negativity that doesn't tend to help oneself - perhaps file under hiatus & see what a future day may bring?

Thank you all. Another issue with my BPD is black and white thinking. You are my friend or you arent. You are a part of my life or you arent. I dont understand grey areas or being in limbo. I am in therapy and I am trying, but it's a really hard concept to understand for me.

She has left and she is not my friend. I simply can not open myself up to the possibility things will change. I am working on mending this damaged heart, but I still have a long way to go.

[ShadowGX]

Wow. What the hell? That's insanely immature for her to just drop you like that. Glad you've already said the bridge is burned and that you won't chase, someone like that is a horrible friend, it's just unfortunate that she stuck around so long only to leave like that.

[Wild Coyote]

Your desire to nurture your marriage has nothing to do with anyone else.
It's too bad your friend jumped the gun and would not understand your desire to attend to your marriage. A friend should be supportive to your goals/desires/needs.

I am very sorry about the loss this creates for you.


WC

[Bill3]

If she comes around again in a bit of time, how readily might you take her back?

Originally Posted by Bill3

If she comes around again in a bit of time, how readily might you take her back?

I dont know. At this moment in time there is no chance. Down the road? I dont know. My therapist says one day I may be able to accept people who come and go. As it stands I can not. It's extremely painful and once you leave me, I cant trust you again.