controlling husband? HELP me understand..

I have been married to my husband for 33 years. He was a little controlling about what I wore when we first got married. Over the years he has not seem to really care that much. He was very much absorbed in his job and missed a lot of family time because of it. I got to the point where I would just go do my own thing and he acted as if it was ok with him. He lost his job a little over a year ago and things have become almost unbearable in our relationship. He has become overbearing and ridiculous with trying to dictate what I wear, no yoga pants or workout tops. No cleavage at all. Shorts need to be a certain length. Only wear a swimsuit in our back yard pool area. Never walk into our garage or anywhere else in the yard with it on, this is a one piece not a two piece. I am overweight and would never wear a two piece anyway. I wear clothes that are comfortable to me. If wearing something stylish that shows a little cleavage makes me feel good is that a bad thing? He stalks my FB page. I have had one for YEARS and he has just recently gotten on FB. I had to delete most male friends on there because of him. He even sent friend requests to some of my male co workers that he has never met, none to the female ones. He is very possessive and controlling all of a sudden. And he doesn’t see it. He wants to know who I am texting and what we are saying. I am getting truly fed up, but I don’t want to throw in the towel. What can I do to make him see he is killing my love for him? Sorry this is so long. But it is only touching on part of the problems. I need HELP.. thank you.

He definitely NEEDS a job to keep his attention off of controlling you.

Maybe could suggest some volunteer work he could get seriously involved in.

I understand not wanting to throw in the towel but find something to help. I doubt that with his controlling personality (it was there from the beginning just distracted by his work) that he would be interested in marriage therapy but you might suggest it if he really wants the marriage to continue. I sure wouldn't let it continue like it is but I have no tolerance for being controlled.

you really can't MAKE anyone see anything if they don't want to. Doing something that will make him want to may work or it might backfire & make him want to be more controlling. Hard to say not knowing his personality.

I actually left my H after 33 years. I was separated from him for 11 years (2100 miles away) before finally getting my divorce this week. My issues were mostly financial but lack of being capable of emotional connection added into that causing major problems that just could NOT be resolved even with therapy. He was mentally incapable of making the changes needed to make the marriage work. I hid out in getting my degree & my career for 19 of the 33 years. The last 13 years I was financially trapped & couldn't get out....looking back it was a time that was proving just how bad things were though I wasn't consciously aware if it at the time. Didn't see the big picture till I left.

Sometimes a period of separation can be a wake up call to them if they want it to be or are capable of making it be that. Sometimes it reinforces that divorce is really the right next step.

He is definitely very controlling. Have you already talked to him about this? Perhaps you can try to suggest couple therapy and see how he reacts.

This is abusive behavior. He is way out of control and is overstepping many boundaries. He has no right to tell you what to wear, or where to wear it, or to be friending your male colleagues, stalking you on FB and demanding to know who you're texting. This goes beyond just control issues -- he is overly insecure and overly possessive, which describes the abusive personality.

He may be too far gone for therapy to help. 33 years is a very long time but you don't need to be putting up with this atrocious behavior from him. IF you want to try and salvage it, the only solution WOULD be couples therapy, but even then, he may not be able to make drastic changes. I would start drawing the line and telling him that his behavior is entirely unacceptable to you and that there needs to be drastic changes or else the marriage is in serious trouble.

Also, I wonder how much he was like this before he lost his job, but it just worsened after losing his job? People don't just suddenly become abusive out of the blue. Usually there are hints of it along the way, and sometimes, very subtle hints.