[ShadowGX]

I just wanted someone to say they would miss me if I was gone. Instead of giving any positive affirmations whatsoever, it turned into an argument, and he said he's "done for now", whatever that means. He left the personal chat server I have (I don't know why, we never talk on it) and no doubt he would block me outright if it didn't mean the program removed the person you block. I'm supposed to take the rest of the time that he's on medication (until the 26th/27th) to "meditate" and "take that time" for myself. Sure, because that's going to go well. Me thinking is what gets me into these traps in the first place.

I did it to myself I guess by asking him for comfort while he's high, but I so badly needed someone to say they'd miss me... Why is that so hard anyways? I don't understand. If he would miss me, why can't he say it? Why does he have to beat around the bush and make me feel worse because I sometimes feel like no one wants me around?

[Bill3]

(((((ShadowGX)))))

[healingme4me]

I hear what you mean about needing to know that you matter to the person on the otherside of the screen. At the same time, I can understand why such chatter could be an overstepped boundary.

I don't agree with how he handled it, however. It's punishing in its own way.

[ShadowGX]

Punishing, yes. v.v It's not like him either, so I'm hoping when he's out of meds and no longer high he goes back to his kind self. I don't know if I'll get so lucky, though. Trying not to keep my hopes up. He could just decide I'm too much and get rid of me.

[TishaBuv]

Did you ask him point blank, “Will you miss me?” Or did you ‘test’ him, hoping he would pick up on your clues and say it?

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand how you feel.

Hugs. He sounds like he has issues.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Did you ask him point blank, “Will you miss me?” Or did you ‘test’ him, hoping he would pick up on your clues and say it?

Good point. Could he have felt manipulated? Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this w/ (and without) him.

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Did you ask him point blank, “Will you miss me?” Or did you ‘test’ him, hoping he would pick up on your clues and say it?

I did outright ask, something like "would you miss me if I was gone?" His immediate response was something close to "I can't believe you would ask me such a question when I'm high". I made it even worse when I said I did it on purpose knowing he was high to "get an honest answer" since he has less of a filter right now... Which seems pretty horrible of me to not only do consciously but outright admit to.

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

Hugs. He sounds like he has issues.

He does, but so do I. Not his fault he got sick and had to be on these meds, but his timing could not have been worse. This month is the hardest for me by far and so it's much less easy for me to keep it together, especially when I have no other outlet for my emotions other than my posts here. Before the meds he handled worse from me like it was nothing... Had to remind myself of that last night. He's got a good heart, I'm just horrible.

[TishaBuv]

You’re not horrible.

I asked because I have realized I make the mistake of testing, wanting my husband to show me love, when I really just need to come right out and directly ask for it.

If you asked, you must be insecure.

(((((Shadow))))) You're not horrible.

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If you asked, you must be insecure.

Aye, insecure is exactly what I am. People tend not to like that trait in others, it really pushes their patience. It makes me wonder if he'll really be nicer after meds again or if he'll keep with this mindset that I can't say things like that... I wonder just how much of what he said is what he really feels, basically. I guess I'll find out in a few days.

I hate waiting for what seems like it will just be bad news. He probably should have just gotten rid of me like I asked, that's probably what will happen anyways. ><

[Bill3]

You’re not horrible.

I personally don't believe there is something wrong with you, or anyone else, for being insecure. It does seem to have sort of a reputation for being..."shameful" or..."uncool." But it shouldn't. If you can get your hands on a copy of "Attached" by Amir Levine, it might ease your insecurity about being insecure.

PS: in your original post, were you talking about your boyfriend? Or a friend? You deserve people who lift you up. Good luck

[ShadowGX]

He's just a friend, but frankly if people saw our chats they'd be skeptical. I don't care though, it makes me happy and there's zero worry about it getting sexual which is great. I do have some added feels for him though, which I tend to get for anyone nice to me... He's the same friend I've made posts about before. The last one I made in this forum was when I told him about those feels and had some... Not fun times. There's also a post in BPD where I've said how good he is and I had to remind myself of that last night. He really hasn't been this bad before, it really could just be the meds... But people do change and maybe I pushed too far this time.

I will look into that book. I have a hard time sitting down to read anything lately. I do so much reading online as it is, heh.

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

He's just a friend, but frankly if people saw our chats they'd be skeptical. I don't care though, it makes me happy and there's zero worry about it getting sexual which is great. I do have some added feels for him though, which I tend to get for anyone nice to me... He's the same friend I've made posts about before. The last one I made in this forum was when I told him about those feels and had some... Not fun times. There's also a post in BPD where I've said how good he is and I had to remind myself of that last night. He really hasn't been this bad before, it really could just be the meds... But people do change and maybe I pushed too far this time.

I will look into that book. I have a hard time sitting down to read anything lately. I do so much reading online as it is, heh.

Thanks. Sorry if I seemed like I was trying to tell you what to do. You should do what you want to do.

[ShadowGX]

No worries, I didn't get that vibe from anyone here and I appreciate everyone's replies. <3 It helps calm me down and sort my thoughts when there's another human being to engage with. My cats can't really respond, they just listen. D:

I am always here to listen and you can message me any time. If you need a reminder that you matter, I'm happy to do that too. We all need that reminder sometimes.

I can also relate to your situation in a way. Stuff with the heart hurts, even more so when borderline. Hugs.

I wrote a nice reply and then my finger slipped and I deleted it. Short version: I'm always here to talk or reassure you that you matter. I can also relate to your situation. So big hugs. This stuff hurts.

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl2

I wrote a nice reply and then my finger slipped and I deleted it. Short version: I'm always here to talk or reassure you that you matter. I can also relate to your situation. So big hugs. This stuff hurts.

Hmm, looks like both posts went through.

Anyways, I appreciate it, and I will try to keep that in mind next time. Probably a good idea not to bombard him with things all the time, but at the same time I feel bad bugging other people about it too. >.<' If I make a thread then people can come to me if they wish, but what if I choose to PM someone and they're not having a good day themselves, maybe they ignore or snap at me? Is scared to upset anyone with my stuff when they're probably hurting too. I don't wanna hurt anyone just because I'm hurting.

Edit: Of course, it might also be interesting to talk to another person with BPD, so I'll extend the same offer to you too. I will say some days when I'm not having a good day I find it hard to be supportive, but in general I do like helping people.

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

Hmm, looks like both posts went through.

Anyways, I appreciate it, and I will try to keep that in mind next time. Probably a good idea not to bombard him with things all the time, but at the same time I feel bad bugging other people about it too. >.<' If I make a thread then people can come to me if they wish, but what if I choose to PM someone and they're not having a good day themselves, maybe they ignore or snap at me? Is scared to upset anyone with my stuff when they're probably hurting too. I don't wanna hurt anyone just because I'm hurting.

Edit: Of course, it might also be interesting to talk to another person with BPD, so I'll extend the same offer to you too. I will say some days when I'm not having a good day I find it hard to be supportive, but in general I do like helping people.

So I see both posts did go through. Awesome. Lol.

Thanks for the offer as well. I'm always around and I like to talk, so never feel like you are bothering me.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Shadow ))))))))
I only just saw this post.. sorry my hugs are so late

(Eta )

[ShadowGX]

It's ok Fuzzy, I appreciate it. <3

[ShadowGX]

Still unresolved and I'm failing to cope with it. Now the dark place is getting involved again. It's telling me to get rid of him. Maybe I should. Maybe it would be good for me too, not just him. Sure, it would hurt like Hell, but then no more hanging in limbo waiting for what may never come...