So, my boyfriend has been talking about engagement for a while now. He frequently says things like "I cannot wait to put a ring on your finger", "I can't wait to marry you", and "I need to put a ring on your finger ASAP.. and like RIGHT NOW" (mainly in response to other men looking at me).

He's also talked about asking me as soon as money comes in that he's been waiting months to receive. That money is coming to him next week.

Then the other day, he mentions that he'll ask me over New Years, or after New Years, at a concert, if we go....

And I got really bummed out. I mean, here he's been talking about getting engaged as soon as this money comes in (which is now), so I am anticipating that and am excited for it. But then to say maybe not until New Years or later is a huge disappointment for me, especially when he's built up so much anticipation.

Not only that, but what I want? I want a romantic setting... I want to be able to call friends and family after he's asked me, to share the news! I don't want to get engaged at a concert necessarily. At a concert, you cannot easily share the news with everyone. That's why I wouldn't want it to be done there.

So, my question is: does the woman have any say in the how or where part of an engagement, or is it entirely up to the man?

I gave my boyfriend the strong hint that I wanted to be engaged sooner than New Years, simply because that is what he has made me expect or anticipate and look forward to.....

But now I wonder, is it really completely out of my hands, or do I have any say in this? I mean, I have imagined this moment too, and have had dreams of how I want it to be -- it goes both ways. I don't know. I feel selfish for even asking the question, but I am really looking forward to this moment with him, and I thought it was going to happen as soon as this money came in.

I know it's not a matter of him doubting a future with me, so that's not the case, in case anyone brings that up, so please don't. Thank you!

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't see why you shouldn't have a say in it. I'd try to give him some suggestions. Perhaps start with hints, but you said it didn't work.. so perhaps you need to be more explicit?
Either way, I'm really happy for how things are going for you.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I don't see why you shouldn't have a say in it. I'd try to give him some suggestions. Perhaps start with hints, but you said it didn't work.. so perhaps you need to be more explicit?
Either way, I'm really happy for how things are going for you.

Thanks Mickey!!! 😊👍

[divine1966]

Didn’t he already ask you? I thought you are already engaged? I remember your post where you said he asked you to marry him?

Does he want to ask again because that’s when he will have a ring? If money is an issue, there are ton of rings that aren’t crazy expensive, if he thinks you want one for 10k you might give him a hint or tell directly that it’s not necessary. Zales always has great deals, just saying.

If he wants romantic setting, it’s great. There are ton of romantic settings that he can find.

Sure you have a say. It’s not selfish whatsoever. If he already asked anyways (if he never mentioned marriage then maybe I’d give it time), I’d say I want a ring and proposal next week lol. Or whatever other times you have in mind. Don’t be shy

[WishfulThinker66]

you have a say in everything

I believe it should be totally up to the person proposing. I was proposed to om valentines day while sitting on the stairs in our house. The truth is that he could have asked me anywhere. Its who is asking that matters. All else is just back ground noise.

[Carmina]

You can ask him you know

[divine1966]

I think I kind of misread the original question, I thought question was “when” not “where”. I’d not tell a person “where” and “how” I want to be proposed. But I think I would be bothered with a time frame. I am either engaged or I am not. I don’t get in between kind of thing. If he is asking me to marry him, then where is the ring and I want to be engaged officially then. Not a year from then.

[marvin_pa]

Is it possible that he already knows your preference, but may be teasing you (or even trying to scope out your reactions to find a preference?

I'd say that the choice of time/setting is down to whoever manages to end up poised upon a single knee first (which doesn't necessarily have to be the guy). Of course, there's nothing in the rules preventing the application of a few subtle hints, like a giant notice placed strategically where it cannot be missed, stating a preferred place & time...

Thanks everyone!

Divine, to your question: he asked me previously but without a ring so it wasn’t official.

He could be feeling me out a little on the subject...

I guess my issue is mainly timeframe due to the expectations he’s already laid out, and I also would much prefer a more romantic setting than a concert.

Maybe I’ll strongly hint that I want a more romantic setting. I’ve already mentioned that I’d like it sooner than next year, but maybe I can casually bring it up again, or drop the hint again when he brings it up again? Hmmm.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thanks everyone!

Divine, to your question: he asked me previously but without a ring so it wasn’t official.

He could be feeling me out a little on the subject...

I guess my issue is mainly timeframe due to the expectations he’s already laid out, and I also would much prefer a more romantic setting than a concert.

Maybe I’ll strongly hint that I want a more romantic setting. I’ve already mentioned that I’d like it sooner than next year, but maybe I can casually bring it up again, or drop the hint again when he brings it up again? Hmmm.

I’d be direct. Hints aren’t always working. Just tell him you don’t want to wait till New Years. As soon as he can get a ring (or if you choosing one for your own liking) you’d like to get engaged. Don’t tell him what setting you want. Let him choose but no way you want to wait that long. That’s it.

[TishaBuv]

I don’t blame you for being concerned that he is putting off getting you the ring. I agree you can tell him you don’t want to wait and he should do as he promised. But, if I were the guy, and my beloved told me when, where, and how to propose, I would be very put off about her being too controlling.

I knew my husband was going to be proposing, as we had talked about it. But, I was surprised when he did it. So surprised, when he did it I blurted out, “Oh shyt!” And I can never live that down. So embarrassing! Saying that was not exactly part of my fantasy, lol.

[atseamedic]

Coming from a guy that just asked his GF my answer is no unless you want to ask him. We have talked about it for a few mos but I told her I would not ask her she would have to ask me. Well got tried of waiting and on a weekend trip I asked her. She said yes, so wait or ask.

Thank you again, everyone, for your input and thoughts!

I agree with the two posters above that asking him to ask me soon is OK. He will have the money sometime next week or by the end of next week. He keeps saying he cannot wait to buy me a ring, so I don't see a problem with my saying let's get engaged as soon as you can buy a ring.

As far as when or where, yes, I can see the points about that seeming controlling. It's just that I'll be pretty disappointed if he asks me while at a concert. It's not what I want. UGH. That part sucks.

[Borderline69]

Men are usually under a lot of stress surrounding engagements and getting it perfect. I personally think it should be left up to him to decide, and if it turns out you dont like his plan, accept it. Women have enough say in relationships so give him this one. It isnt just your day, it is mostly his in terms of where and how. Swallow your pride and love whatever he decides to do. Just be happy he is moving forward. This is a test of compromising something you will be doing plenty of during marriage.

Originally Posted by Borderline69

Men are usually under a lot of stress surrounding engagements and getting it perfect. I personally think it should be left up to him to decide, and if it turns out you dont like his plan, accept it. Women have enough say in relationships so give him this one. It isnt just your day, it is mostly his in terms of where and how. Swallow your pride and love whatever he decides to do. Just be happy he is moving forward. This is a test of comprising, something you will be doing plenty of during marriage.

Ty for your advice. I will take it into consideration!

[marvin_pa]

He might be planning a unique approach like this one:
Man proposes to girlfriend using the side of a cow - BBC News

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

He might be planning a unique approach like this one:
Man proposes to girlfriend using the side of a cow - BBC News

LOL! Pretty funny.

[Stone92]

I would say don't bother with the hints. If it's important to you, communicate about it! Good relationships thrive on good communication. What other people chose for their relationships is secondary to what YOU want in YOUR relationship.

Originally Posted by Stone92

I would say don't bother with the hints. If it's important to you, communicate about it! Good relationships thrive on good communication. What other people chose for their relationships is secondary to what YOU want in YOUR relationship.

Thank you! Excellent point!

[healingme4me]

I agree about communication. I think it's appropriate to say that you know it's important for him to make it meaningful, at the same time there are certain venues etc that wouldn't sit well with you. It's not like it's an actual surprise that he's going to officially propose, it's that you have ideas and feelings about the matter that count to the experience as well.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I agree about communication. I think it's appropriate to say that you know it's important for him to make it meaningful, at the same time there are certain venues etc that wouldn't sit well with you. It's not like it's an actual surprise that he's going to officially propose, it's that you have ideas and feelings about the matter that count to the experience as well.

Thank you sooo much. That helps!

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So, my boyfriend has been talking about engagement for a while now. He frequently says things like "I cannot wait to put a ring on your finger", "I can't wait to marry you", and "I need to put a ring on your finger ASAP.. and like RIGHT NOW" (mainly in response to other men looking at me).

He's also talked about asking me as soon as money comes in that he's been waiting months to receive. That money is coming to him next week.

Then the other day, he mentions that he'll ask me over New Years, or after New Years, at a concert, if we go....

And I got really bummed out. I mean, here he's been talking about getting engaged as soon as this money comes in (which is now), so I am anticipating that and am excited for it. But then to say maybe not until New Years or later is
a huge disappointment for me, especially when he's built up so much anticipation.

Not only that, but what I want? I want a romantic setting... I want to be able to call friends and family after he's asked me, to share the news! I don't want to get engaged at a concert necessarily. At a concert, you cannot easily share the news with everyone. That's why I wouldn't want it to be done there.

So, my question is: does the woman have any say in the how or where part of an engagement, or is it entirely up to the man?

I gave my boyfriend the strong hint that I wanted to be engaged sooner than New Years, simply because that is what he has made me expect or anticipate and look forward to.....

But now I wonder, is it really completely out of my hands, or do I have any say in this? I mean, I have imagined this moment too, and have had dreams of how I want it to be -- it goes both ways. I don't know. I feel selfish for even asking the question, but I am really looking forward to this moment with him, and I thought it was going to happen as soon as this money came in.

I know it's not a matter of him doubting a future with me, so that's not the case, in case anyone brings that up, so please don't. Thank you!

—- This man is going to be your partner in life, not your boss. I understand that you don’t want to hurry him beyond what he is comfortable with, but unless you want a surprise I think you need to decide this together as practice for the million other things you are going to decide together throughout your married life. If nothing else, you need to tell him in a nice way that the uncertainty about the when and where has started to make you jittery. Tell him your preferences. He can’t read your mind!

Originally Posted by luvyrself

—- This man is going to be your partner in life, not your boss. I understand that you don’t want to hurry him beyond what he is comfortable with, but unless you want a surprise I think you need to decide this together as practice for the million other things you are going to decide together throughout your married life. If nothing else, you need to tell him in a nice way that the uncertainty about the when and where has started to make you jittery. Tell him your preferences. He can’t read your mind!

TY! This makes a lot of sense to me!!

Update: we're going to a jewelry store to get my ring size today. Last night he said let's do this soon (meaning get engaged). But we were a little buzzed on drinks, so I want to be sure he meant this. I need a follow up conversation, perhaps today since it seems fitting.