Names

Hi guys.

So my partner recently got a cat-- me? I was reluctant to it (still am) because I'm allergic to cats. Well anyway. He asked for my input for renaming this pretty cat. I was reluctant to doing that because it's not my cat. Well we landed on one. All he said was that it was fitting because he kept almost calling the cat the name I chose. So that's cool.

I went over to his place the next day and he then told me the reason he almost kept calling the cat the name I chose and how fitting it was. It's his deceased ex-fiancee's cat's name. It didn't click until we were heading to dinner and I asked, "Did we just name the cat your ex's cat's name?" All he said was, "Yeah. Is that weird?" And I said, "Yes." And that was the last of it.

I'm unfamiliar in recognizing the emotions I feel at the time and I think I figured it out. I think I feel disrespected a bit. If it were me and my partner threw out a name that was somehow linked to my ex (deceased or not), I'd veto it. Wouldn't you? I'm confused on whether how I feel is correct or not.

I would handle the situation the same way too. If there’s anything like a name that brings bad memories or emotions don’t do it. Best of luck!

That is disrespectful of him. Your feelings are what they are and are not wrong in any way. Does he need to be single to get over his ex?

I'm going to talk to him tonight about it. I'm afraid his response would be something along the lines of "oh well. Sorry you feel that way, I'm not going to change it."

I guess we'll see what his response is tonight.

What are you going to do if he won't change it?

Well, I brought it up last night. He got defensive and accused me of being passive aggressive when all I said was that it made me uncomfortable. I asked if it didn't bother him at all. He snapped and said that it didn't. So I left it alone because essentially, it's not my cat and it's not my choice to change the cat's name, which is what I told him when he asked if we were going to "f*cking just sit in silence." I told him that I didn't have anything else to say considering how this conversation was going and I was about to get off of the phone.

He apologized for his behavior and explained he's very uncomfortable and that the name made him uncomfortable too, it's just that he didn't want to talk about his "dead ex-girlfriend". He explained that he didn't want to get into the reason why he wasn't comfortable with the name and proceeded to go along with the name. Which didn't make much sense to me. He could have just said no and we'd have moved on from it. I'm not attached to the name and I was just reading off of a list online.

I don't know. The issue has not resolved because I did not like his reaction of snapping at me and back-pedaling. I've been quite angry today. I don't know how to process this.

Well, if he doesn't want to talk about it, gets defensive yet keeps the name, something is up. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

Not sure why he has to tell you what the name reminds him of. He could just keep quiet.

Other than that I am not sure how I’d feel. If it was both of yours child and he wanted to name them late fiancées name then it would be a no no. But it’s his cat and you do not live together so I guess he could name his cat what he wants. I just don’t think he had to tell you about fiancés cat

I agree. I just let him know that it made me uncomfortable because it's another reminder for the both of us (different reasons). I essentially said that if he's fine with it, then I have nothing else to say. But he said that it made him uncomfortable as well but didn't want to get into why it made him uncomfortable. He could have just said no and we'd have moved on from the name.

To me the fact that you were reading the names of a list online and the fact that it didn't click for him until you brought up that it was his ex-fiances cat's name it doesn't seem like it was intentional. Also I don't know everything but how long ago was the death of the ex? If it was a long time ago it may be a coincidence but if it short amount of time then yea something may be up there. You guys agreed on the name because it fit the personality so it doesn't seem like it was something to spite you or anything. Your feeling in this situation do matter and it's good that you voiced it to him.

He may be uncomfortable with the name because you are and he doesn't want anything that is going to be around the house for a couple years to constantly make you uncomfortable.

Also someone that also is allergic to cats make sure that you take a lot of allegra lol

Maybe he doesn't understand his feelings any better than you say you you don't understand yours? Some people have a difficult time expressong why they feel their feelings in words.

Yeah, it's hard to interpret. But I suppose it's not a big deal if it's only his cat...

Even if it's just a cat, if you're both uncomfortable with the name, why is he keeping the name? That is very odd to me.

Wow, that's interesting really. Here you were both thinking up cat names, and your partner included you in that process, and of the hundreds of different names for a cat, you pick the name of his deceased ex's cat[!] Maybe he felt it was a sign from the beyond and thought, yes, I'll go with that. Anyway, just wanted to say, I can understand if you don't like the fact it's his ex's cats name. It's like a permanent reminder of her. Or maybe it's part of his grieving process. I don't know.

Honestly if I dated someone and he told me I have to rename MY cat because he doesn’t like the name (no matter for what reason), it would be a red flag for me. They day he doesn’t like cats name, what’s is he going not like tomorrow: what I wear and what I buy? They don’t live together and cat is his, not their mutual.

Nope. Not enjoying being told what to do in my home with my cat. Now i also wouldn’t blab about my ex and how he named his cats. That was silly of the guy

I am not saying she should tell him what to name the cat. All I am saying is the fact that he's keeping the name is very ODD. That is all. Why keep the name if it's uncomfortable for both partners? He is being insensitive to her feelings, I feel, and is holding onto his ex. That's what it tells me. I personally wouldn't like it, but it's not her place to tell him how to name his own cat!!

Well, this is supposed to be "his" cat and he should name it. YET, he didn't pick a name for either cat now did he? His ex picked the name and then YOU picked a name for this one so theoretically he hasn't really picked a name of his own. He SHOULD pick a name of his own, "not" a name you or his ex picked but instead his own. I don't think this is about his attachment to his ex either, I think it's more about how he has a habit of needing someone else to name the animals in his environment because that's probably what he experienced in his history where all animals were given names by someone else and not him and he just subconsciously accepted it. He did not NEED to pick a name himself either, and as I mentioned he didn't, instead he let YOU do it. It probably bothered him that you picked the same name as his ex and did not want to tell you that it does remind him of his ex.

I think you are putting so much of "your" emotions in this that you are not actually seeing that it's not what you "feel" it is.

Actually, the conversation you could have with him about this is more about how he should really pick his own name, not the name you or his ex happened to pick. You could say to him that it's better that he see how he unknowlingly let someone else pick for him when he should gain his own confidence in deciding things for himself instead. The name of this cat could be his reminder that it's his cat and he can pick the name and every time he calls out it's name it's a reminder of his independence and ownership and personal choice and "not" someone else's choice.

my question is how is the rest of your relationship? Honestly is the naming of one's pet really something to create issue with? Now if he purposely named the cat in that way based on the ex, sure I'd say something MIGHT be up, but first off, you suggested the name, he didn't realize initially why it was natural to call the cat that particular name so no ulterior motive is involved at all. His realization was after the fact. Unless you don't believe him and if that's the case, there are deeper issues going on than the naming of the cat and this event only brought that issue out.

So I would ask yourself whether this is really an issue in the grand scheme of things and if this is that big of a deal to you, I'm going to guess that everything else isn't necessarily hunky dory. But if they are, you may be splitting hairs.

I agree with Mickey in that it is hard to interpret. Are you in therapy OhMyDaisy? What does your t say? Have you considered couples counseling? Is this the only issue for you guys? My 2cents: You have every right to feel upset and I feel for you. Someone posted in your other thread that they still struggle with the loss of a SO and its been many years. and that made sense to me too. I just don't think this is the sort of thing thats going to get sorted out in an internet forum thread. Good luck though and I hope you can find some support you need (here or elsewhere!).

I didn't want to name his cat, but he kept pushing it. So I threw a name out and he took it. He later said he was uncomfortable with it but didn't say anything.

I just essentially said it made me uncomfortable. I didn't tell him to change the name because it is his cat. He admitted to not liking it (after the fact) and I don't understand why he went along with it and the rest happened.

He explained that a lot of feelings arose for him as well and the entire conversation got weird. He was reminded of his ex as well and it didn't feel good for him.

That's what I'm saying. He should have just named it himself. If he didn't like the name, he should have said that also.

Our relationship is good. But there has been a lot of hard issues that happened recently and this was on top of all of that.

He did know initially when it was brought up, he just didn't want to say the reason why he didn't like it and lied about liking the name. That's what I took issue with. Instead of being honest of not liking it, he lied and then all of it unfolded. He didn't have to explain the reason why, he could have just said no but he told me things and I put them all together.

of all of the other hard issues happening, how does the name of his cat rank in the grand scheme of things? do you see what I'm getting at?

Also he could have said no and essentially lied to you. Is that really what you would suggest to your partner to do? to outright lie or to be up front and honest with you in everything? how do you feel when you look at it that way?

here's my take on him mentioning that. he was up front and honest, likely because it's something he doesn't feel is something that was really a big deal. and likely although he knows you migh t find it odd, trusts you enough to still be honest about it. his being forthcoming with this information says more about the type of person he is than the idea that he would name a cat related to someone that is dead and can no longer be a threat to you in the first place.

I'm not saying it should in no way bring up any kind of feeling in you but that it's not one that should be a major issue in light of more important relationship issues that might come up.

Well, you should have kept to your decision about not wanting to name his cat. He coaxed you into it and you gave in. You are learning about him and that you have to be more firm about your boundaries with him.

I get ya. I appreciate the honesty that I have with him. Sometimes it's hard though. I wish there wasn't a deceased ex. There are unresolved feelings around all of that and if I'm being honest, it makes me insecure.