[romantic rose]

I call it harassment here but I like chatting to people. It's guys who won't take no for an answer I don't like being rude to. Part of me I feel doesn't want to be a ***** or feel like one. Today I had another guy friend me (he was a mutual friend of someone else and I didn't think he would be looking for a relationship/sex) and I ended up saying not to get his hopes up, even though I don't want anything other than friendship at best (I don't even know him, is a fb friend). He has mh problems so that made it harder to be firm, but maybe I have just made things worse by not being honest and saying no way.

This has happened a few times recently and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I hate thinking I have upset anyone.

How do other people handle this? I like chatting to people and I tell guys I just want to be friends, but they don't listen.

Maybe it is karma because I have a friend who I annoyed by going on about liking him for long enough, but I would never have forced myself on him, I feel if I met up with any of these guys as friends I would be putting myself in a vulnerable position and it would be a mistake. But this guy has already mentioned meeting up and although I said ok as friends I think that might not be a good idea. As usual, I don't want to be nasty so I don't just say no way.

How can I tactfully refuse these guys and is there any way you can just be friends with them and they will get the message and accept it do you think, or am I just asking for trouble staying friends and even meeting up with them?

Feel free to tell me off for being an idiot, because I think I maybe do more harm than good by chatting to these guys.

I prefer the blunt method. Just telling them directly that I'm not interested. If they react negatively I delete and block. You have the right to protect your personal boundaries and you should feel no guilt for doing so.

[ShadowGX]

Unfortunately, in my experience if what they're after is a relationship or sex they will not settle for friendship and meeting up with them is definitely a bad idea. You have to be firm in your boundaries. If they push or get mad, they are not worth keeping as a friend anyways, so it's no real loss of they leave or you have to block them.

[romantic rose]

I think I might have gone too far already by having a chat with that guy today. Maybe I should have blocked him. He says he is on his own and doesn't have anyone much to talk to, and he has mh issues so it would be cruel just to ignore him now. I just don't know how to defuse the situation that I have got myself in with tact.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that, if they're interested in a relationship, friendship with them would be complicated. So I'd say just be honest from the start. Whether they accept it or no is up to them. I think the same thing goes even if they have MH problems.. you can be nicer but it's substantially the same thing.

[WishfulThinker66]

It might sound unreasonable to you but it would certainly prevent any grief. Just don't friend anyone you don't know in real life.

Tell them you're not after anything more than friendship and if they keep pushing, ignore and block

[s4ndm4n2006]

don't accept random friendships from people you dont' have an active desire to be friends with on fb. then if you do. just be straight forward. if they persist, unfriend and block them.

You talk about not wanting to hurt feelings and that's understandable but if they persist and ignore your statements (assuming you first do this) that you want to just be friends, how are they thinking of your feelings? *shrug* Idk, that's grounds for me to cut them off and not even worry about their feelings. reciprocity is a thing. can't worry about the feelings of others that dont' care how you feel at all.

[Stone92]

It sounds like you're having trouble asserting your boundaries. Sad thing is, there's no award for being the most nice and accommodating girl. Sometimes you have to tell people, "No." And there's nothing 'b****y' about it.

You're a person, and you deserve respect and consideration, just like everyone else. If you don't want to talk to someone, don't talk to them. Unfollow and unfriend people who aren't really your friends. You have every right to do that. You deserve to be able to spend your time with people you care about, who care about and respect you in return.

I'd recommend looking up Captain Awkward. She has a lot to say about trying to be 'the nice girl', since she struggled with her boundaries in the same way. It helped me feel a lot better about starting to assert my own boundaries. I hope it helps you, too.

[romantic rose]

Originally Posted by Stone92

It sounds like you're having trouble asserting your boundaries. Sad thing is, there's no award for being the most nice and accommodating girl. Sometimes you have to tell people, "No." And there's nothing 'b****y' about it.

You're a person, and you deserve respect and consideration, just like everyone else. If you don't want to talk to someone, don't talk to them. Unfollow and unfriend people who aren't really your friends. You have every right to do that. You deserve to be able to spend your time with people you care about, who care about and respect you in return.

I'd recommend looking up Captain Awkward. She has a lot to say about trying to be 'the nice girl', since she struggled with her boundaries in the same way. It helped me feel a lot better about starting to assert my own boundaries. I hope it helps you, too.

Yeah I have problems with always trying to be nice and to not piss people off. Also I do struggle with boundaries a lot tbh, people take advantage sometimes.

It does feel *****y to friend someone and then hurt them, if someone has mh problems it makes it a lot harder. But I didn't intend anything more than friends anyway.. it's just letting them down gently gets to the point where I don't like saying flat out I won't ever feel the way they want me to even though I know that is the case.

The guy keeps arguing that I might change my mind at the moment, and I don't want to hurt him by saying that I know I won't. He seems a bit vulnerable and I of course didn't know that when I friended him. If I just friended people I know in real life there wouldn't be much point in doing so as I see them outside of online and can communicate with them that way. Maybe just refusing friend requests is the best thing to do.

You can tactfully say, I think you're a really nice person but friendship is all I seek. I don't want to get romantically involved, I'm not interested in you that way, and that won't change.

Men get rejected by women all the time. Men chase women, men try with many women, and get rejected by many women. You cannot sacrifice your own comfort level and well being to save their feelings. They will survive, and they are used to rejection.

Even with someone who has mh issues, they will be OK. Just because someone has issues, doesn't mean you now need to sacrifice what you want and need.

Assert yourself. Have stronger boundaries and watch out for yourself. It's OK to be direct and blunt, and that is honestly the only way to handle men who cannot take no for an answer.

Men will always hope there's room for something more. It's up to you to let them know that it will never happen, and you have to be firm and strong in your stance. I find it best to not even hang out with someone as friends who has hope for something more. It's almost leading them on.

But if they continue to harass and push, then simply unfriend and block. You don't have to deal with that, and pushing and harassing crosses over into disrespect. You've already laid down your boundaries, so if they push and cannot respect the boundary, you have every right to take take care of you well being and block them. Think of it in that way.

Self-care is number one, and that means having strong boundaries around men who pursue and chase you.

[healingme4me]

What happens when you click accept to friend requests? Do they immediately start writing to you? Do you leave your status as available on messenger? I turn my status off, personally. Do you reply right away? You're not obligated to start chatting just because they desired access to your page.

[romantic rose]

Sometimes they do, yes. They are obviously only interested in a sexual relationship or just sex. One guy did randomly message me the other night for the first time and asked me if I was single, which was annoying. I told him I was in a relationship, which is a lie, but if it stops guys from keeping on asking, then at the time it seemed like a good idea. But I don't like lying. They don't live in the same part of the world though so are unlikely to find out otherwise.

I don't reply right away now, no. The guy I originally made the thread about is still messaging me. He says it's fine that I just want to be friends but says things that make me wonder if that is the case. He said he would like to cook for me and he was thinking about me, to which I replied that I hoped he meant only as a friend. He replied that that was the case but I am not convinced. As soon as I shared a post of his today (I didn't notice he had posted it)he messaged me. I have turned off Messenger though so my status is not active.

I keep reminding him it's just friends but I am not sure that a guy would say he would like to cook for a woman unless he wanted more, and he said he was thinking about me which I don't think someone would say if they just wanted friendship. Whether he is testing out my response I don't know, but I don't answer him straight away and try to keep him at arm's length. It has got to the point where I get a feeling of dread when he messages me. So is not good.

[ArchieAus]

Caution : caveman alert .
Personally I would be dubious of any male that seeks out females " just to be friends " I'm looking for my friends to want to go to the golf club , kick a football with . Discuss the driver trade in the Formula 1 . Yes I'm sure there's females out there that are into those things , but I've not met any .
I don't do social media . But seen plenty of friends in proper life say they are seeing this female because they are friends . I'd say 95% of those guys were lying not only to us , but also themselves . If given the opportunity they would go straight to much more than friends in a blink of an eye .
While the cave man is here , he would also table this word " friends" . It means so many different things to different people and so many varying levels of personal interaction .
But anyway . If it was me I would not accept any males as friends if I didn't want complications . If I liked talking to males I would accept there will be complications often . If that was the case I would recommend being blunt with them . If your not they will just think there in with a chance .
Neanderthal male , over and out .

[romantic rose]

Well I think I have fallen out a bit with the guy who has admitted to not being ok with just being friends. I just hope I did not hurt him and he is ok, as he has mh problems. Don't know if he will contact me again as I said he needs to accept that we are just friends. He still wants to meet up and I don't want to regardless of whether he accepts us being friends or not. He is lonely though, I just don't feel it's my duty to keep him company. I feel like a ***** saying that but I wouldn't meet up with someone online again, it would make me very uncomfortable.

The last time I did that I liked the guy and he just wanted to be friends, so I know that not accepting that the other person feels that way doesn't end well.

[seesaw]

You keep saying that he has MH problems so you feel bad. I'm not sure why having MH issues would give anyone more allowance to harass you or break your boundaries. He's just as responsible for himself and his actions as anyone else. It is not cruel to assert your boundaries and be safe. Rather, it's cruel and abusive to use his MH issues to prey on your kindness.

We can protect ourselves and still be kind to people.

SEesaw

[romantic rose]

He hasn't really used his mh issues in that way, I am just worried it might affect him because of them. I have told him from the start I wasn't wanting anything other than friends. He hasn't got back to me so I think he has got the message.

I'm just too soft, that is my trouble.

[downandlonely]

I've used the "just friends" line, and many men seem to take it as "not now, but maybe someday". They won't accept that nothing will ever happen. So I end up having to cut off all contact.

[romantic rose]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I've used the "just friends" line, and many men seem to take it as "not now, but maybe someday". They won't accept that nothing will ever happen. So I end up having to cut off all contact.

Yes, that is how this guy is taking it. It's really annoying.

I just need to stop taking friend requests from men.

Originally Posted by romantic rose

I just need to stop taking friend requests from men.

There's your answer.

[downandlonely]

I agree. Unless you think there is a possibility of more than friendship, don't accept the requests.

[romantic rose]

Well you can't possibly know that unless you have talked for a while, just looking at a picture isn't enough for me, and I have sexuality issues anyway, so I am best just not accepting them.

If I know the person and they are fine with friends that is different, but not for strangers.

[healingme4me]

The attention grows old, really fast when it's at a superficial level. At least it does, for me. After enough attention, it becomes easier and less complex to sift through intention. As cliche as it is on paper, commanding respect truly is about believing in your self worth.

[romantic rose]

Yeah I have self worth issues, no doubt about it.

I'm not interested in meeting anyone online anyway, as I keep telling them, it is very superficial. This guy I am talking about appears to have views on certain things very different to mine so we're not compatible; he has just seen a photo and decided I am worth chasing. Am no oil painting but have deleted the photos of myself since then just in case. Maybe if you post a photo of yourself men think you are after someone? I don't know. I am not posing half naked or anything. Maybe just having the right genitals is enough for some guys online.

[ArchieAus]

What is the "chatting" vehicle you refer to ? FB , chess club , antique cars forum ? The place you chat will possibly makes a difference on who you meet there and what their agenda is , hidden or otherwise .

And yes ..you being a female alone is def enough for a proportion of guys to pursue you . Guys all have a portion of that in them . It's there to ensure the continuation of the species . Some guys are better at controlling that urge than others .

Was it Einstein who said that madness was continually doing something the same over and over and expecting a different result ?

If that's happening to you and you wish for a different result , then you have to change your method . Be that posting a pic of Kim Jong Un instead of your own , or posting no picture at all , or just telling it like it is regardless of people's feelings . Or not speaking to a section of the population who are likely to want more than you seek . We all have to take responsibility for our own actions in the end .