Dealing with defensive with roommate/friend (long)

So, I have this friend? We became friends through a group we play in 10 yrs ago. I will admit it's always been complicated as I had some jealousy- when she came into contact with the group, she wasn't very good, but from the country the music we play is from and technically with some related experience. I knew how to sing the songs, memorized the lyrics, got the style, etc, without getting wasted on stage I might add, but was never allowed even the chance. The guys (everyone else was men, it's a pretty big group) all wanted her bc. 1. literally half had a crush on her 2. she's "authentic"

At the time I started another group to have an outlet for singing which I wanted to do a little of, focused my energy that way, and eventually left the city/those groups for a number of years. I was lucky for them to accept me back when I moved back and my relationship with the group is good, I'm grateful (I guess we're all older too). In the meantime she had improved much, sounds great. I have had a deeper relationship with my friend since returning and share both deep conversations about life and goofy times.

Her bf bought a house, and offered a room for rent at an insanely cheap price in a great neighborhood, I decided to go for it. So trifecta of friend/roommate/bandmate! What could go wrong?

Much of the time it's a fun place to live but other times there's a lot of stress.
She frequently gets in screaming matches with her bf, always that I've observed she starts (which I'm sure there's two sides to it, but increasingly it really seems like literally anything can push her over the edge to initiate it). Couple times a week last month-two. He has apologized to me (literally I can be in the same room when it starts) but she never has. It's at the point where I don't really feel a good vibe about the place, I just never know when that could happen and I don't want that in my home. Especially because I grew up with a dad that could start screaming at whatever, and was verbally/physically abusive to me.

I'm not a psych dr but I am honestly wondering if it's bordering on abuse. It's especially irritating since she 1. has taken non-violent communications classes, but doesn't seem to have absorbed it/blames her bf for not wanting to learn these skills 2. frequently will try to put me in the middle afterwards, getting to take her side. I've tried to discuss this/other issues with her on occasion (mostly staying out of it- I don't initiate these convo's) and she gets very defensive. She also will do this with house stuff: moving all the stuff around in the kitchen various times without asking anyone, then freaking out at people when things aren't in the place she put it. Then saying about how it's everyone's space, but also saying she had done all the research on the best way for this or that, and she deserves more say. Or leaving stuff everywhere like everyone has been doing, then complaining about no one cleans up and she's the only one (say if she's on an energy surge to clean). The rest of us, while admitting there can be issues here and there, never have this sort of craziness/accusatory response, everyone's chill, brings stuff up respectfully.

This has happened in the band also- ex: she left with not much notice for a couple weeks, other people including me covered vocals while she was gone, later she screamed at me/another two people about how SHE is the singer, literally "it's about [her]", no one else can sing. Luckily the band had our back (specifically mine, saying, they liked my singing and had no idea I could- facepalm) and basically we all decided if she's not there, someone else can sing (we can't do all the other tunes anyway even between 3 of us, bc of learning it, or key or whatever) and just don't bring it up. She's been complaining all the time to me privately that she doesn't want to be there for low paying gigs- I'm like, don't come then? It's fine. She'll still be on the big ones anyway, people specifically ask for her. But she goes on about how the band needs her and then will passively aggressively not show up or text right before a gig she's not coming, I can't decide if it's just her feeling bad way of bailing, or if it's so no one can prepare to sing instead. Personally I've decided I'm just going to be ready now at all times. Sort of annoying bc I can't practice in the house so she doesn't know, but I have a car now at least to do it.

I recognize that long-term I am going to have to leave, I really don't see things changing unless she moved out, which is unlikely (tho their relationship is so up and down who even knows). It's just very stressful for me. Maybe in next few months, I'm not sure. But in the meantime how can I deal with this situation and not be stressed/still be respectful without being a total recluse? I know the only thing I can really control here is my response/how I feel.

I don’t think that you can readily control how you feel. I know from experience that it is stressful living in such a household. I think that you can mainly control only your response.

I honestly think the root of all this, besides whatever happened in her upbringing (her parents are divorced and yelled a lot, plus they had high/specific expectations they put on her) is that she's not happy in her life with what she's doing- career-wise mostly, but also relationships etc. But instead of taking responsibility for this she often seems to turn it on people either with her mood, or stuff I hear her say to her bf.

Then additionally she will occasionally lash out at others- ex- one day they had a fight, after which we carpulled to gig. She had tried before to lend me her clothes on numerous occasions, which I like her outfits often but these specific ones I didn't like for me (I have different style and body type), I gently declined. They were long dresses/pantsuits. On the way she was making comments about how she didn't like to be objectified and would never wear a skirt or shorter shorts (she does wear shorts tho?), she didn't want people looking up her skirt (the stage is 6" above the floor for perspective). She didn't want to be "slutty". Of course, I almost ALWAYS wear a knee-ish length dress/shorts. She made some comment about the sort of man you would attract wearing such a thing. I was like, yo, I wear this bc I like this, and I'm actually sweaty. And to say I dress slutty anyone who knows me would think is laughable (also, bc I am in my late 30s, never had a boyfriend, and a virgin for goodness' sake, I don't even know if I could look slutty if I tried). For the previous reason, also a sensitive topic for me. I knew that this comment probably came bc she was upset about other stuff but it's really in retrospect not cool? A lot of the stuff that happens in the house is like this too- for instance, thing with fridge being a mess, sometimes stuff was disappearing, stuff everywhere, food going bad. She had good idea to make shelves for each person. This was a great idea and it seemed to solve the problem, but first it was 2 months of blaming a specific person, claiming her bf always took that person's side, saying that she can't afford like the rest of us to just eat whatever (tho she quit her main job, and reduced hours at another, meanwhile other of us are budget conscious- I get income based CSA produce, and another roommate later lost his minimum wage job). That she's the only one to have any problem, not so much about how it will benefit everyone.

Any coping strategies?

The thing that really sent a warning bell off for me was today. I was sitting in the common area eating my breakfast. Roommate comes out and tells me I put the dishwasher on the “wrong” setting (we’ve had it a couple months). It should be on this other setting. I said, oh, sorry, when we got it someone said put it on X, I’ll do it on new setting now that I know. Then I got a 5 minute lecture on energy savings, and how it was so important to her to save water, energy, etc, that she was trying out new settings (so this new thing wasn’t anything official) whatever. I mentioned, I just try to go along with whatever everyone is doing (the other ones had been roommates elsewhere for a couple years, and I think she had moved in with them pretty soon after they started dating), if people want something a different way than it is, just let me know. Somehow it became this conversation about how she feels like she’s the only one who cares about the house, environment, etc. There’s a specific roommate she tends to go at and I admit that person isn’t the most on top of house stuff, I tried to play mediator and suggest that maybe just clearing things with people first is a better way before you make changes that confuse everyone, or people don’t feel they were part of the decision process- that way they’re more likely to take part.

Well, that was the wrong thing to say and I realized my mistake. Immediately it became, “Is this just a feeling you have, something you made up in your head? Or is this an actual thing you've talked about?” Ok, not cool. I was flustered, admitted yes, it was something that came up- honestly everyone had been frustrated by the at times unilateral decision-making. But not a big deal, just something in passing. “So actual conversations?” She then demanded to know who exactly, grilled me a bit. I’m pretty sure I’d talked to everyone about something here and there (including this roommate) but these were like 1-sentence things- ex: “Oh, are the things in this other place now? It’s kind of frustrating when everything is moved around”. I tried to emphasize not a big deal, but yeah, it was something, and again just if we can all be in communication about stuff it’s probably more likely to get people to do whatever. Even tone of voice and asking than announcing makes a huge difference. And if things have been a certain way for a while, I and probably others assume it’s cool to whatever extent, if one/more want it different, just communicate this.

She talked again about feeling frustrated, like everyone’s mom- I tried to play mediator, but it was increasingly hard and I felt very on edge.

There was also the part about saying she was making these changes- like everyone should be equal and part of everything, but then also, I did all this research before figuring out kitchen layout, or energy stuff, or common space design, or whatever, so I have more say about it because I put in all this extra work. I called her out on this, in a joking way- which one is it then? we’re all in this together, or you’re making some of these decisions yourself? I don’t care but which is it so we know and she was immediately on the attack, saying, I didn’t say that- tell me exactly the words I said. Of course I couldn’t say this exactly and this provoked the no, I didn’t say that, I would never say that thing which was like whaaaa??? You literally just said both it should be equal and you had more say.

She will do this thing with her boyfriend a lot where they will get into a discussion-argument-yelling and I was afraid to provoke it, it starts with her interrupting him and then being like, “No, that’s not what I said…blah blah blah” and then saying that he’s not listening to her. At that point they are usually both starting to yell at each other and talk over each other anyways so it’s a little hard to say who’s on first. So I basically tried to just let her talk it out and not prolong the conversation. I think things were better but just now I heard her complaining loudly upstairs to her bf. I heard her trying to provoke him at first (did you ever complain about me?) but then it seemed to shift on what I was saying. Good news! Maybe she won’t pick on the other roommate or start fights with the bf for a bit. Bad news! Maybe she will pick on me now.

I’m definitely out of here in a month or two.

Interact with her less. Spend more time in your room. Wear headphones and listen to music. Don’t sit there for 5 minute lectures.