[Albatross2008]

I'm not putting this on my Facebook page because if my daughter sees it, she'll feel bad, and I don't want her to. I'm talking about the general practice, not what she in particular said. She's totally forgiven, and in her case I *know* it was only a joke. Trouble is, family members before her (where she learned it) might not have been so innocent about it.

After recovering from an injury, I'm getting back in the swing of things at the gym. Due to physical disability, my main form of exercise is in the pool. I can do things in water that I can't even begin to do on land. Well, the last time I was there, while I was jogging in the water, I nearly lost my bathing suit bottom. I couldn't hold my water weights as I normally do, because I was busy holding the bottom of my suit up. (You can laugh at that if you want to. ) It's a tankini type, two separate pieces with the coverage of a one-piece. It's been getting loose on me. And it's already a size smaller than the last one was. We don't have it in the budget to buy a new bathing suit right now, and this one isn't very old. I know how to sew pretty well. So I put some darts in it, taking about 2" off the waist, and 2" apiece off each leg hole. It held up better today, but I think I could have taken off a little more.

Mentioned to my daughter that I'd had to do this bit of tailoring on my bathing suit. With innocent facetiousness, she responded, "Why? Because it stretched out?"

She immediately let me know she didn't really mean that, but she felt like she *had* to say it. I answered yes, I knew somebody was going to. We agreed that if my grandmother had been here, SHE would have been quick to say it must have stretched out, despite it not being old and worn enough for that to be true. My mother would have said something like, "Oh, you've lost weight? Well, turn around... there it is behind you." If questioned about it, they'd call it joking. I call it never letting me feel good about myself. And that's the environment my daughter was raised in too, so I understand her conditioning.

Where do you draw the line between "just joking" and put-downs?

[healingme4me]

Are lines to be drawn between yourself and your daughter and generations going forward? It sounds to me like a necessary discussion between yourself and your daughter. I am not sure if the voices of the past can be fixed, per se.
I think it's a milestone moment to discuss that these are the things that have been said and these are the very things that are not ok.

[TishaBuv]

When it hurts your feelings it’s a put down disguised as a joke. If you say, I don’t like your sense of humor, It’s hurtful and they do it again then it’s obvious abuse. Then it’s on them and they have to stop or you sever the relationship.

Your daughter learned a bad thing from your mother. She knew to apologize. You both can work on stopping the cycle.

Recently my sister told me I need to get a thicker skin because I took offense from my family’s abuse and I responded, after learning it here, “That’s what abusers say”

[MickeyCheeky]

Regardless of the intention, if certain jokes hurt your feelings, then it is your right to ask them to stop it. I'm sure you can explain this to your daughter pretty easily.

[Albatross2008]

I don't think she'll say that again. She doesn't actually want to hurt me.

My grandmother made jokes like that because she didn't want me to get stuck-up and think I'm better than other people. In practice, I was never allowed to develop any self-esteem at all.

My grandfather did it because he thought he was being funny. But turn it back on him even in the slightest, and that was unacceptable! Now you're getting personal! (Like he wasn't.)

My uncle did it because he was the youngest of his generation, I was the oldest of mine, we were only six years apart, and I was the little sister he never had. Again, he thought he was being funny. It felt good to him to have somebody HE could pick on, for a change.

My mother did it, I think, because I was some form of competition to her. She wanted to make sure she always outshines every other female in the family. This continued into my adulthood, which is a whole other post.

My siblings did it because it was a game. Plus, one of my brothers was insecure about his own social standing, and put me down so he could stand taller compared to me.

My ex-husband did it to show me who was boss, and make sure I never dared to think I was in any way superior to him. If I felt like I was worth anything, I might figure out I didn't deserve this, and leave him. (Notice the "ex" in there.)

My daughter grew up thinking this was normal family banter.

[Albatross2008]

I put this together. My daughter saw me doing it, and fortunately doesn't connect it to her wisecrack. Turns out she's going through the same thing with her boyfriend. What he thinks is playful banter, she takes offensively. So he read it too, and now we'll see what happens there.